Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Gold. Because she's amazing as a writer, has an wicked sense of humor, and is one of those intelligent people I value. Even if she DOES want me to feed Touya every now and then...
CHAPTER FIVE
It is human nature to assign blame. As I reflect now, I am tempted to blame Yukito, for being who he is... But to blame Yukito is to blame water for being wet. How can you hold water in your hands without it slipping through?
I would blame Yue, and he would accept it, for such things as blame do not bother him, from what I've seen of him now. But part of the satisfaction derived from blame is knowing you've made the other person uncomfortable, and Yue is as distant as the moon from which he derives his name.
I could even blame Himitsu, for it was her fault I was out that night, to be shaken from my comfortable worldview. But blame gets us nowhere. I have accepted it happened, and now I know. I would rather know the truth, than remain in ignorance.
There is no blame, simply truth.
Owning a dog brings companionship and joy, but it also brings great responsibility. Dogs are high maintenance animals, and caring for one properly requires a great deal of commitment, time, money, and my least favorite thing, exercise. I really dislike having to take Himitsu for her evening walks, though I know it's good for the both of us.
I'm a night person at heart, and Himitsu and I have gotten into the habit of taking long runs together just as the sun is setting. I love looking at the night sky, and it was cooler out. Fewer people were out so I could be alone with my thoughts and just enjoy the rhythmic pace I set. Himitsu was kind to me, never demanding we go faster than I could take. I was slower than I had been when we had first started these runs, and I knew that in a few years, I would be even slower. Still, I was proud of the pace I set, for not many middle-aged women could manage a two-mile jog.
That night, the new moon hung over my head, with only the brightest stars pushing through the inky blackness of the clear sky. The air was cold, preparing itself for the holiday season.
I wasn't Christian, but I was anticipating Christmas with an eager wariness. Eager, because I enjoyed the festivities with my friends. Wariness, because many of my patients fell into depressions. Around Christmas, depression and suicides sharply increased. It was a statistical fact, and my life became more stressful. I always attributed it a bit to seasonal affective disorder as well, since humans were definitely affected by the loss of sunlight.
Tomoeda is a small city with a population of perhaps 200,000. I encounter my clients occasionally as I go about my business, and I've discovered that it's best not to acknowledge them until they make the first move. Many people are embarrassed to be seeing me, and don't want to admit to knowing me outside of the office. It's something I've come to accept - it's about boundaries.
I don't know what made me take a left that night. I'm a creature of habit, and I like routine. But for some reason, I took a left instead of a right, deciding to take a peek at the new shop I had heard was moving in on Momiji Street. Himitsu was glad for the change of pace, continuing a steady lope at my side as my sneakers pounded in a steady thrum against the sidewalk.
I rounded the corner, pulling up short when I saw the scene before me. Yukito was there, talking to a girl.
It was my hesitation that cost me. I should have kept running, and pretended that nothing was wrong, or should have turned around and let Yukito live his own life, but I was curious. This was the first time I had seen Yukito outside of my office, and I wanted to peek in on him.
I looked at Himitsu, giving her a hand signal for her to lie down and be absolutely still. She obeyed instantly, and I dropped the leash. Between us, the leash was a formality. Having a trained therapy dog was wonderful.
The girl Yukito was talking to was young, no more than fourteen and I wondered if she was the Sakura he so adored. Her long black hair hung to her waist, but her clothing was out of place. There was a Chinese cut to it, and I could see, even in the streetlight, that the cast of her features marked her as foreign, probably Chinese.
Yukito's body language was wrong, as well. I knew him well enough to realize that he valued touch with those he was close to, and he wasn't touching this girl at all. While his expression was serious and considerate, he stood a few feet away from her, and I wondered about that.
I felt a bit guilty for invading his life. I was just about to turn away from him when the most remarkable thing happened. The girl shook her head, turning aside but Yukito held up his hand to forestall her. She whirled back to him, and under his feet, the ground started to glow.
My eyes widened in disbelief, my hand rising to my mouth to restrain the gasp that threatened to escape. I could see a pattern of lines, but I wasn't close enough to make out the pattern. From his back, a pair of ghostly white wings emerged to surround Yukito's slender form, encasing his body completely.
White wings...
Feathers...
I stared as the wings became more solid, parting to reveal a creature that hadn't existed before.
This was impossible. I was dreaming, I was dreaming....
Yukito had been replaced by a creature that resembled an angel out of legend. I wanted to scream in denial, but I found it hard to breathe. All I could do was stare in shock, hypnotized by his beauty. The angel was stunning, a creature of white perfection. Chiseled features created an androgynous magnificence that seemed untouchable, with long white hair that resembled spun moonlight, as if some master artisan had captured that elusive light and used it to accent this creature's perfection. His skin was as pale as Yukito's, but there was a distance to him, a wary sorrow that warned a person not to try to get close.
I wanted to get away from him.
This... Could not be Yukito.
I knew in my heart who it had to be, but it wasn't until he turned his head slightly and I got a better look at his face that I knew for sure.
Eyes like the winter sky, that indescribable color, were locked in a face the color of snow.
/Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever seen./
"Yue..." I whispered.
This was... This was insane. I had heard of multiples before, but this wasn't right! This defied logic, everything I had ever learned to be the truth!
I stared at the winged man in his exotic clothing, standing besides the Chinese girl, and I wondered who had decided that the laws of reality deserved to be thrown out the window.
My feet reacted before my mind did. I took a step back, then another. My shaking hands reached down and found Himitsu's leash, and before I realized what I was doing, I was running full out, harder than I had since I had been twenty.
I just concentrated on my footsteps, trying not to think. All I wanted to do was run, run from the reality of a world that had suddenly gone mad.
!*~*~*~~
I sat in the center of my couch, in a mauve sweat suit with my sticky, graying hair falling out of its ponytail to trail limply in my face. Himitsu nudged my icy hands, obviously sensing that something was wrong, but I just concentrated on breathing, trying to make some sense of the world.
What I had seen... Was impossible. Yukito had shifted into an angel before my eyes, but the angel had been so cold and so distant. I had sensed that about him.
The angel... Had to be Yue. Beautiful white feathers with amazingly long white hair, and ice blue eyes that defied description. So different than the soft brown eyes that looked at me in our sessions, asking questions of identity and self. Was this really Yukito, the young man who had turned to me?
I heard Himitsu whine, but it barely registered. I wasn't equipped to deal with this. I was a counselor... Not a philosopher. Yukito was beyond my grasp. Yukito wasn't...
He wasn't human.
I gasped deeply as I realized that, putting my elbows on my knees so I could rest my face in my hands. There are more things on heaven and earth... And Yukito was one of them.
I couldn't cope with it. "Himitsu... I... I'm not a superwoman," I whispered. I peeked out between my fingers at my golden lab, trying to get her to absolve me of responsibility. "I'm just a middle-aged counselor who's gotten in way over her head."
Himitsu looked at me with her liquid, trusting eyes, and I shut my own, wondering why I saw Yukito reflected in her innocent gaze. Yukito had been lying to me about Yue this entire time... I had known, but I hadn't realized the extent of his lies.
I felt a surge of rage well up within me. "Damn him!" I swore. "Damn him for involving me!"
I was shocked out of my reverie by the doorbell. It was late, after ten, and most of my friends knew better than to call me at this hour without scheduling ahead. I was an intensely private person during the evening hours, calling them "me" hours. So it had to be an emergency, on top of my own crisis... Just what I needed.
I almost yelled for them to get the hell out of there, highly out of character, but I figured I was entitled. Still, my innate empathy overrode my inner turmoil, and I stumbled to the door, pulling it open as I hoped I didn't appear too glassy-eyed.
To my surprise, a stranger stood there. I looked up- and up. The man was that tall, making my breath catch in shock. "Imiyo-san," he stated, rather than asked. His dark eyes examined me closely, from my worn-out appearance to my wane face. I had the impression that nothing escaped his cursory inspection. "You don't look well."
He was also stunningly rude, I thought with a surge of annoyance. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and he was insulting my appearance.
I tried to make out his features through the shadows, but the only impression I had was of amazing height and those piercing eyes. "I-" I began to protest, grabbing the door to slam it in his face, unwilling to deal with this intruder on top of everything else, but his right hand caught the door before I could act.
"Maybe I should introduce myself. Kinomoto Touya," he said. "Can I come in?"
I stumbled back from the door in shock, wondering why now, of all times, he was here. "Please," I said, feeling more shaken than I had before. This is Yukito's Touya... I thought, watching as he came into the warm light of my room.
My breath caught again. Whatever I had been expecting Touya to look like from Yukito's descriptions, my imagination had fallen far short of the reality. Touya was as masculine as Yukito was effeminate. Together they must make a stunning pair, I reflected. Touya was dark where Yukito was fair, his tanned complexion and black hair smooth and perfect. He didn't possess the otherworldliness of Yukito, but there was something about him that was unapproachable. Yukito would be the friendly one, where Touya would be the ice prince... had Yue not been in the equation. My head hurt thinking about Yue.
Touya looked around my apartment, his eyes settling on Miss Lily and Himitsu. His hand extended towards them, and I opened my mouth to warn him that Lily-chan was notoriously nasty to strangers, particularly men. However, the warning wasn't necessary, as she immediately walked to the edge of the couch and sniffed his fingers curiously before releasing a soft purr.
Himitsu was a bit more loyal, coming to my side, but she plopped down beside me, obviously at her ease around him. "You have a way with animals," I said neutrally as Miss Lily bumped her head against his hand, trying to elicit some strokes.
His expression remained placid, though his eyes softened a bit. "Animals trust easily. They sense when people don't mean them harm. Them or their charges," he added.
"What do you want?" I asked him. "I don't discuss my clients with anyone," I said formally. I decided to play stupid, and hope that Touya was there about Yukito. Sometimes I received threats from significant others "that my spouse doesn't NEED therapy - you're screwing them up!", so I would treat Touya like one of those... though I doubted he was. Touya didn't strike me as narrow-minded.
Touya picked Miss Lily up, something I have never seen her let anyone except me do, and settled onto the couch with her in his lap.
I remained standing, still feeling dwarfed by his presence. Touya had that ability to command a room - enter a place, and take control without consciously trying. "Yue saw you," he said softly.
I stiffened. "Yue..."
"He was... concerned."
I tried to imagine that remote creature being concerned for me, and couldn't. He... Yukito... My fists rose to my temples, and for a second I was seriously tempted to beat myself upside the head to give myself some pain to focus on, rather than these impossible memories. "I..." I felt my legs give way beneath me, and I finally gave in. Hearing Touya speak that name finally gelled the situation.
Yukito... Was... Not... Human....
Yue... Was... Real...
And I had no idea what he was.
Most people would have come to my aid, but Touya merely watched me with those dark eyes that saw everything without reflecting anything back. He waited for me for a moment, letting me get hold of myself. "You're upset... But you can't afford to be. Yuki has an appointment with you tomorrow, and you need to pull yourself together by then."
I open my mouth trying to find something coherent to say, but ended up merely giggling a bit hysterically. Touya was talking about a counseling session? Now? When I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to look... Yukito... Yue... In the face again without shivering?
Touya's eyes flashed, and he stopped petting Miss Lily mid-stroke. An aura of danger surrounded him, and I tossed my head back defiantly, wondering if I would survive to see the next morning.
"I won't pretend to understand why Yuki sought counseling. I know he's done nothing but build lie upon lie, and tonight, they came tumbling down." He looked at the small calico cat who cuddled trustingly into him before continuing. "I do know that he trusts you. He trusts you enough to talk. He trusts you, Imiyo-san, and you can't let him down. He's young, and you're the first person he's reached out to know him, not because he had to, but because he needed to."
I stared at Touya in shock. "Touya... What is he?"
Touya just looked at me for a long moment. "Have you ever read Plato?"
My head spun at the abrupt change of topic. "Had to read him in college. It would have been before you were born. I never really liked him."
The young man looked thoughtful. "We studied him last semester, Yuki and I. We take most classes together when we can, even though we're different majors. Philosophy was a core course. Anyway, do you remember the story about the cave?"
My mind was fuzzy as I tried to dredge up the memory of those long-ago classes. "Not really," I admitted. "What's this got to do with anything?" I demanded, feeling my trained patience hanging by a thin thread.
"Plato has a rather interesting story that he told to a student... It's about slaves in a cave," Touya said, pausing as he scratched my cat under the chin. "The slaves have lived their entire life in a cave, seeing only shadows cast by firelight. One day, one of the slaves is freed and sees what is causing the shadows - the real items. When he goes to describe them, the people in the cave don't believe him, choosing to instead believe that the shadows are the reality."
My breath caught. "Are you saying that Yukito is Yue's shadow?" I asked.
Touya sighed softly, and the genuine pain in his eyes was almost tangible. "Yuki and Yue are the same. I've thought on it a lot. I've come to my own decision, though, and you'll need to reach yours."
I just rubbed Himitsu's smooth head absentmindedly. "Yue... Yukito... He..."
"You've seen through the shadows to what causes them," Touya said. "Now you need to decide whether you want to go back to the cave and tell the truth, or be chained up be your our preconceptions of reality."
I shivered, though not with cold. I was so tired from this, but I didn't have much time to make my decision. "Can't you tell me what you know?" I begged. "Tell me about Yue?" I practically begged. I was forty-two years old, and I felt like a six-year old asking sempai for help.
Touya shook his head. "You're the first person Yuki has reached out to on his own, who is outside the main story. I'm too tied up in the tale to be objective. You aren't. You need to see Yuki for what his is... For his sake."
"I..."
Touya rose with a smooth grace that bespoke years of athletics, and walked over to me to deposit Miss Lily in my lap. "Don't be blinded by your eyes, Imiyo-san," he said softly. "Or your mind. You're an intellectual, aren't you?" He picked up my hand and held it against his chest, and I felt the steady beat of his strong, young heart. It was astoundingly intimate for him to allow a stranger so close, but then, I was rapidly learning not to expect anything from Kinomoto Touya. "You need to see him with your heart."
^^^^^^
October 24
Personal Journal of Katashiwa Imiyo
It's strange how your entire world can change in an entire day.
It's even more odd how one person can really screw up your perceptions, even when he didn't mean to. Especially when he had no clue that he was doing it.
Yue and Yukito - where does one end and the other begin? What are they? Yue is not an angel... He's something different, something of this earth that I do not understand. And that scares me, yet I cannot shut it out of my eyes and abandon the situation.
I have grown too close to Tsukishiro Yukito in the brief months that we have spent together. I've lost my objectivity. It happens quite frequently when a counselor and patient build a rapport.
I like Yukito. I think that's the root of the problem. There's something about him that draws me to him. I think it's a natural charisma that brings out my maternal instincts. There's a lost little boy look in his eyes, and I just want to hand him a teddy bear and tell him everything will be all right. But... I never offer false assurances, not even to myself. If there's one thing I believe in, it's the truth. I-
Wait a second. I believe in the truth. That's why I became a counselor. And if the truth of Yukito isn't what I believed it to be, that doesn't give me an excuse to turn away. If anything, I am now more bound to help Yukito find what he seeks. I don't think he knows what that is, but....
I'm going to have to start falsifying my records at work. There's no way I can let Yue's existence - that truth - become known. But I'll keep a separate record here, in my diary, for my reference... I've decided.
I'm going to see if I can find the truth of Yue... and Yukito.
^^^^^^
Author's Notes:
Imiyo is breaking all SORTS of professional ethics by choosing this route, and Touya never should have been able to find her house. Touya... well, Touya is Touya. And Imiyo is writing a new handbook now...
For people who knew I had chapter 6 done, I merged it with chapter 5, because my original 5 was too short. I think this gets me where I'm going better.
Credit to the usual suspects: Krystal for betaing, Lyra for her help, Tamchan for listening and Meghth for being a kawaii koneko-chan.
Thanks to:
Teo, Knighthunter, kira, Bluegoo, Emily-chan, Lau, HikariMidori, AtomBunny, Waku-chan, Sinnatious, Sophia Prestor, Neko-chan, Michélle, and Skittles.
No thanks to:
PEACEWISH, for writing Scattered Blossoms, Lotus Reborn and Death in the Family (simply some of the best Touya writing I've seen, and I'm glad you like Meilin as well).
ASKANI BLUE, for writing Illusions (clowns won't eat you, but I may come after you with a mallet with intent to do serious bodily damage if you don't keep going!)
TAM CHRONIN, for Not Human, Shades of Discover and Generations of Cardcaptors (I want more of Generations, dammit! But I'm still dragging you through Tokyo Babylon!).
L-CHAN, for What I Didn't Know (neat spin, I like Touya!).
The above stand accused of distracting me from my writing - it's been a WEEK since I put ANYTHING out. It's only with drastic infusions of green tea that this piece was redeemed.
Feedback keeps Aishuu on track. ^_~
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Gold. Because she's amazing as a writer, has an wicked sense of humor, and is one of those intelligent people I value. Even if she DOES want me to feed Touya every now and then...
CHAPTER FIVE
It is human nature to assign blame. As I reflect now, I am tempted to blame Yukito, for being who he is... But to blame Yukito is to blame water for being wet. How can you hold water in your hands without it slipping through?
I would blame Yue, and he would accept it, for such things as blame do not bother him, from what I've seen of him now. But part of the satisfaction derived from blame is knowing you've made the other person uncomfortable, and Yue is as distant as the moon from which he derives his name.
I could even blame Himitsu, for it was her fault I was out that night, to be shaken from my comfortable worldview. But blame gets us nowhere. I have accepted it happened, and now I know. I would rather know the truth, than remain in ignorance.
There is no blame, simply truth.
Owning a dog brings companionship and joy, but it also brings great responsibility. Dogs are high maintenance animals, and caring for one properly requires a great deal of commitment, time, money, and my least favorite thing, exercise. I really dislike having to take Himitsu for her evening walks, though I know it's good for the both of us.
I'm a night person at heart, and Himitsu and I have gotten into the habit of taking long runs together just as the sun is setting. I love looking at the night sky, and it was cooler out. Fewer people were out so I could be alone with my thoughts and just enjoy the rhythmic pace I set. Himitsu was kind to me, never demanding we go faster than I could take. I was slower than I had been when we had first started these runs, and I knew that in a few years, I would be even slower. Still, I was proud of the pace I set, for not many middle-aged women could manage a two-mile jog.
That night, the new moon hung over my head, with only the brightest stars pushing through the inky blackness of the clear sky. The air was cold, preparing itself for the holiday season.
I wasn't Christian, but I was anticipating Christmas with an eager wariness. Eager, because I enjoyed the festivities with my friends. Wariness, because many of my patients fell into depressions. Around Christmas, depression and suicides sharply increased. It was a statistical fact, and my life became more stressful. I always attributed it a bit to seasonal affective disorder as well, since humans were definitely affected by the loss of sunlight.
Tomoeda is a small city with a population of perhaps 200,000. I encounter my clients occasionally as I go about my business, and I've discovered that it's best not to acknowledge them until they make the first move. Many people are embarrassed to be seeing me, and don't want to admit to knowing me outside of the office. It's something I've come to accept - it's about boundaries.
I don't know what made me take a left that night. I'm a creature of habit, and I like routine. But for some reason, I took a left instead of a right, deciding to take a peek at the new shop I had heard was moving in on Momiji Street. Himitsu was glad for the change of pace, continuing a steady lope at my side as my sneakers pounded in a steady thrum against the sidewalk.
I rounded the corner, pulling up short when I saw the scene before me. Yukito was there, talking to a girl.
It was my hesitation that cost me. I should have kept running, and pretended that nothing was wrong, or should have turned around and let Yukito live his own life, but I was curious. This was the first time I had seen Yukito outside of my office, and I wanted to peek in on him.
I looked at Himitsu, giving her a hand signal for her to lie down and be absolutely still. She obeyed instantly, and I dropped the leash. Between us, the leash was a formality. Having a trained therapy dog was wonderful.
The girl Yukito was talking to was young, no more than fourteen and I wondered if she was the Sakura he so adored. Her long black hair hung to her waist, but her clothing was out of place. There was a Chinese cut to it, and I could see, even in the streetlight, that the cast of her features marked her as foreign, probably Chinese.
Yukito's body language was wrong, as well. I knew him well enough to realize that he valued touch with those he was close to, and he wasn't touching this girl at all. While his expression was serious and considerate, he stood a few feet away from her, and I wondered about that.
I felt a bit guilty for invading his life. I was just about to turn away from him when the most remarkable thing happened. The girl shook her head, turning aside but Yukito held up his hand to forestall her. She whirled back to him, and under his feet, the ground started to glow.
My eyes widened in disbelief, my hand rising to my mouth to restrain the gasp that threatened to escape. I could see a pattern of lines, but I wasn't close enough to make out the pattern. From his back, a pair of ghostly white wings emerged to surround Yukito's slender form, encasing his body completely.
White wings...
Feathers...
I stared as the wings became more solid, parting to reveal a creature that hadn't existed before.
This was impossible. I was dreaming, I was dreaming....
Yukito had been replaced by a creature that resembled an angel out of legend. I wanted to scream in denial, but I found it hard to breathe. All I could do was stare in shock, hypnotized by his beauty. The angel was stunning, a creature of white perfection. Chiseled features created an androgynous magnificence that seemed untouchable, with long white hair that resembled spun moonlight, as if some master artisan had captured that elusive light and used it to accent this creature's perfection. His skin was as pale as Yukito's, but there was a distance to him, a wary sorrow that warned a person not to try to get close.
I wanted to get away from him.
This... Could not be Yukito.
I knew in my heart who it had to be, but it wasn't until he turned his head slightly and I got a better look at his face that I knew for sure.
Eyes like the winter sky, that indescribable color, were locked in a face the color of snow.
/Sakura says Yue's eyes are ice blue; the prettiest blue she's ever seen./
"Yue..." I whispered.
This was... This was insane. I had heard of multiples before, but this wasn't right! This defied logic, everything I had ever learned to be the truth!
I stared at the winged man in his exotic clothing, standing besides the Chinese girl, and I wondered who had decided that the laws of reality deserved to be thrown out the window.
My feet reacted before my mind did. I took a step back, then another. My shaking hands reached down and found Himitsu's leash, and before I realized what I was doing, I was running full out, harder than I had since I had been twenty.
I just concentrated on my footsteps, trying not to think. All I wanted to do was run, run from the reality of a world that had suddenly gone mad.
!*~*~*~~
I sat in the center of my couch, in a mauve sweat suit with my sticky, graying hair falling out of its ponytail to trail limply in my face. Himitsu nudged my icy hands, obviously sensing that something was wrong, but I just concentrated on breathing, trying to make some sense of the world.
What I had seen... Was impossible. Yukito had shifted into an angel before my eyes, but the angel had been so cold and so distant. I had sensed that about him.
The angel... Had to be Yue. Beautiful white feathers with amazingly long white hair, and ice blue eyes that defied description. So different than the soft brown eyes that looked at me in our sessions, asking questions of identity and self. Was this really Yukito, the young man who had turned to me?
I heard Himitsu whine, but it barely registered. I wasn't equipped to deal with this. I was a counselor... Not a philosopher. Yukito was beyond my grasp. Yukito wasn't...
He wasn't human.
I gasped deeply as I realized that, putting my elbows on my knees so I could rest my face in my hands. There are more things on heaven and earth... And Yukito was one of them.
I couldn't cope with it. "Himitsu... I... I'm not a superwoman," I whispered. I peeked out between my fingers at my golden lab, trying to get her to absolve me of responsibility. "I'm just a middle-aged counselor who's gotten in way over her head."
Himitsu looked at me with her liquid, trusting eyes, and I shut my own, wondering why I saw Yukito reflected in her innocent gaze. Yukito had been lying to me about Yue this entire time... I had known, but I hadn't realized the extent of his lies.
I felt a surge of rage well up within me. "Damn him!" I swore. "Damn him for involving me!"
I was shocked out of my reverie by the doorbell. It was late, after ten, and most of my friends knew better than to call me at this hour without scheduling ahead. I was an intensely private person during the evening hours, calling them "me" hours. So it had to be an emergency, on top of my own crisis... Just what I needed.
I almost yelled for them to get the hell out of there, highly out of character, but I figured I was entitled. Still, my innate empathy overrode my inner turmoil, and I stumbled to the door, pulling it open as I hoped I didn't appear too glassy-eyed.
To my surprise, a stranger stood there. I looked up- and up. The man was that tall, making my breath catch in shock. "Imiyo-san," he stated, rather than asked. His dark eyes examined me closely, from my worn-out appearance to my wane face. I had the impression that nothing escaped his cursory inspection. "You don't look well."
He was also stunningly rude, I thought with a surge of annoyance. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and he was insulting my appearance.
I tried to make out his features through the shadows, but the only impression I had was of amazing height and those piercing eyes. "I-" I began to protest, grabbing the door to slam it in his face, unwilling to deal with this intruder on top of everything else, but his right hand caught the door before I could act.
"Maybe I should introduce myself. Kinomoto Touya," he said. "Can I come in?"
I stumbled back from the door in shock, wondering why now, of all times, he was here. "Please," I said, feeling more shaken than I had before. This is Yukito's Touya... I thought, watching as he came into the warm light of my room.
My breath caught again. Whatever I had been expecting Touya to look like from Yukito's descriptions, my imagination had fallen far short of the reality. Touya was as masculine as Yukito was effeminate. Together they must make a stunning pair, I reflected. Touya was dark where Yukito was fair, his tanned complexion and black hair smooth and perfect. He didn't possess the otherworldliness of Yukito, but there was something about him that was unapproachable. Yukito would be the friendly one, where Touya would be the ice prince... had Yue not been in the equation. My head hurt thinking about Yue.
Touya looked around my apartment, his eyes settling on Miss Lily and Himitsu. His hand extended towards them, and I opened my mouth to warn him that Lily-chan was notoriously nasty to strangers, particularly men. However, the warning wasn't necessary, as she immediately walked to the edge of the couch and sniffed his fingers curiously before releasing a soft purr.
Himitsu was a bit more loyal, coming to my side, but she plopped down beside me, obviously at her ease around him. "You have a way with animals," I said neutrally as Miss Lily bumped her head against his hand, trying to elicit some strokes.
His expression remained placid, though his eyes softened a bit. "Animals trust easily. They sense when people don't mean them harm. Them or their charges," he added.
"What do you want?" I asked him. "I don't discuss my clients with anyone," I said formally. I decided to play stupid, and hope that Touya was there about Yukito. Sometimes I received threats from significant others "that my spouse doesn't NEED therapy - you're screwing them up!", so I would treat Touya like one of those... though I doubted he was. Touya didn't strike me as narrow-minded.
Touya picked Miss Lily up, something I have never seen her let anyone except me do, and settled onto the couch with her in his lap.
I remained standing, still feeling dwarfed by his presence. Touya had that ability to command a room - enter a place, and take control without consciously trying. "Yue saw you," he said softly.
I stiffened. "Yue..."
"He was... concerned."
I tried to imagine that remote creature being concerned for me, and couldn't. He... Yukito... My fists rose to my temples, and for a second I was seriously tempted to beat myself upside the head to give myself some pain to focus on, rather than these impossible memories. "I..." I felt my legs give way beneath me, and I finally gave in. Hearing Touya speak that name finally gelled the situation.
Yukito... Was... Not... Human....
Yue... Was... Real...
And I had no idea what he was.
Most people would have come to my aid, but Touya merely watched me with those dark eyes that saw everything without reflecting anything back. He waited for me for a moment, letting me get hold of myself. "You're upset... But you can't afford to be. Yuki has an appointment with you tomorrow, and you need to pull yourself together by then."
I open my mouth trying to find something coherent to say, but ended up merely giggling a bit hysterically. Touya was talking about a counseling session? Now? When I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to look... Yukito... Yue... In the face again without shivering?
Touya's eyes flashed, and he stopped petting Miss Lily mid-stroke. An aura of danger surrounded him, and I tossed my head back defiantly, wondering if I would survive to see the next morning.
"I won't pretend to understand why Yuki sought counseling. I know he's done nothing but build lie upon lie, and tonight, they came tumbling down." He looked at the small calico cat who cuddled trustingly into him before continuing. "I do know that he trusts you. He trusts you enough to talk. He trusts you, Imiyo-san, and you can't let him down. He's young, and you're the first person he's reached out to know him, not because he had to, but because he needed to."
I stared at Touya in shock. "Touya... What is he?"
Touya just looked at me for a long moment. "Have you ever read Plato?"
My head spun at the abrupt change of topic. "Had to read him in college. It would have been before you were born. I never really liked him."
The young man looked thoughtful. "We studied him last semester, Yuki and I. We take most classes together when we can, even though we're different majors. Philosophy was a core course. Anyway, do you remember the story about the cave?"
My mind was fuzzy as I tried to dredge up the memory of those long-ago classes. "Not really," I admitted. "What's this got to do with anything?" I demanded, feeling my trained patience hanging by a thin thread.
"Plato has a rather interesting story that he told to a student... It's about slaves in a cave," Touya said, pausing as he scratched my cat under the chin. "The slaves have lived their entire life in a cave, seeing only shadows cast by firelight. One day, one of the slaves is freed and sees what is causing the shadows - the real items. When he goes to describe them, the people in the cave don't believe him, choosing to instead believe that the shadows are the reality."
My breath caught. "Are you saying that Yukito is Yue's shadow?" I asked.
Touya sighed softly, and the genuine pain in his eyes was almost tangible. "Yuki and Yue are the same. I've thought on it a lot. I've come to my own decision, though, and you'll need to reach yours."
I just rubbed Himitsu's smooth head absentmindedly. "Yue... Yukito... He..."
"You've seen through the shadows to what causes them," Touya said. "Now you need to decide whether you want to go back to the cave and tell the truth, or be chained up be your our preconceptions of reality."
I shivered, though not with cold. I was so tired from this, but I didn't have much time to make my decision. "Can't you tell me what you know?" I begged. "Tell me about Yue?" I practically begged. I was forty-two years old, and I felt like a six-year old asking sempai for help.
Touya shook his head. "You're the first person Yuki has reached out to on his own, who is outside the main story. I'm too tied up in the tale to be objective. You aren't. You need to see Yuki for what his is... For his sake."
"I..."
Touya rose with a smooth grace that bespoke years of athletics, and walked over to me to deposit Miss Lily in my lap. "Don't be blinded by your eyes, Imiyo-san," he said softly. "Or your mind. You're an intellectual, aren't you?" He picked up my hand and held it against his chest, and I felt the steady beat of his strong, young heart. It was astoundingly intimate for him to allow a stranger so close, but then, I was rapidly learning not to expect anything from Kinomoto Touya. "You need to see him with your heart."
^^^^^^
October 24
Personal Journal of Katashiwa Imiyo
It's strange how your entire world can change in an entire day.
It's even more odd how one person can really screw up your perceptions, even when he didn't mean to. Especially when he had no clue that he was doing it.
Yue and Yukito - where does one end and the other begin? What are they? Yue is not an angel... He's something different, something of this earth that I do not understand. And that scares me, yet I cannot shut it out of my eyes and abandon the situation.
I have grown too close to Tsukishiro Yukito in the brief months that we have spent together. I've lost my objectivity. It happens quite frequently when a counselor and patient build a rapport.
I like Yukito. I think that's the root of the problem. There's something about him that draws me to him. I think it's a natural charisma that brings out my maternal instincts. There's a lost little boy look in his eyes, and I just want to hand him a teddy bear and tell him everything will be all right. But... I never offer false assurances, not even to myself. If there's one thing I believe in, it's the truth. I-
Wait a second. I believe in the truth. That's why I became a counselor. And if the truth of Yukito isn't what I believed it to be, that doesn't give me an excuse to turn away. If anything, I am now more bound to help Yukito find what he seeks. I don't think he knows what that is, but....
I'm going to have to start falsifying my records at work. There's no way I can let Yue's existence - that truth - become known. But I'll keep a separate record here, in my diary, for my reference... I've decided.
I'm going to see if I can find the truth of Yue... and Yukito.
^^^^^^
Author's Notes:
Imiyo is breaking all SORTS of professional ethics by choosing this route, and Touya never should have been able to find her house. Touya... well, Touya is Touya. And Imiyo is writing a new handbook now...
For people who knew I had chapter 6 done, I merged it with chapter 5, because my original 5 was too short. I think this gets me where I'm going better.
Credit to the usual suspects: Krystal for betaing, Lyra for her help, Tamchan for listening and Meghth for being a kawaii koneko-chan.
Thanks to:
Teo, Knighthunter, kira, Bluegoo, Emily-chan, Lau, HikariMidori, AtomBunny, Waku-chan, Sinnatious, Sophia Prestor, Neko-chan, Michélle, and Skittles.
No thanks to:
PEACEWISH, for writing Scattered Blossoms, Lotus Reborn and Death in the Family (simply some of the best Touya writing I've seen, and I'm glad you like Meilin as well).
ASKANI BLUE, for writing Illusions (clowns won't eat you, but I may come after you with a mallet with intent to do serious bodily damage if you don't keep going!)
TAM CHRONIN, for Not Human, Shades of Discover and Generations of Cardcaptors (I want more of Generations, dammit! But I'm still dragging you through Tokyo Babylon!).
L-CHAN, for What I Didn't Know (neat spin, I like Touya!).
The above stand accused of distracting me from my writing - it's been a WEEK since I put ANYTHING out. It's only with drastic infusions of green tea that this piece was redeemed.
Feedback keeps Aishuu on track. ^_~