Aishuu Offers:
Alter Egos
A Card Captor Sakura Fanfiction
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: All hail CLAMP. Enough said.
Dedication: For Xandra. A promise long in the keeping.
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CHAPTER SIX
I have only cancelled appointments twice in my career: once when my mother died, and when I was so deathly ill I had to be admitted to the hospital for eight days. On October 25, I cancelled all of my appointments for a third time, knowing that I needed the time to realign my perceptions of reality. I wouldn't have been any good to my other clients anyway, and I refused to give them less than my best.
Touya had left shortly after his dramatic challenge to me, giving me his home phone number and telling me that I could call him if I needed to. I added it to my electronic organizer immediately, but I knew I would never use it. I had crossed that line, intruding on Yukito's life, and I needed to try to maintain some boundaries. Touya had intruded upon me, and it wouldn't be right for me to add him to my support system. I would do this on my own.
Besides, after today, Touya probably wasn't going to be very eager to talk to me. Yukito was going to go through a major shock, and he wasn't going to like it a bit.
There are different types of therapy, and I preferred to be gentle in my methods. Today though, I was going to be confrontational, something I had been considering since the start. Yukito's lies had finally been revealed to me, and I was going to shred them. It would hurt him, and I regretted that, but sometimes a doctor had to hurt a patient to heal him ultimately.
Sometimes something had to be completely broken before it could be fixed.
Our usual seven o'clock appointment meant that I didn't need to worry about getting to the office until six. I allowed myself the luxury of sleeping in, and I dreamt of moonlight on the water--and feathers. White feathers were falling all around me, but when I reached out to catch them, they vanished before my fingers touched them.
My office seemed cold when I let myself in, and my eyes immediately went to the dreamcatcher that had so fascinated Yukito. I knew now that the feathers had captured his eye, though they paled beside the pristine perfection of Yue's. I wondered if Yukito had ever seen any of Yue's feathers, or was just subconsciously drawn to them.
Seven o'clock came too soon that night. I didn't have enough time to brace myself. Before long, I heard cheerful humming in my lobby, a sure sign that Tsukishiro Yukito had arrived. I smoothed nervous fingers over my green blazer, ran a hand over my hair, and walked to the lobby.
I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but Yukito was in one of the chairs as usual, with a book open in his lap. There was no calculator in sight, so I guessed it wasn't a math or science text. "What are you reading this time?" I asked.
"Ogura Hyakunin Isshu," Yukito said, straightening his glasses. "Japanese Literature class I'm taking this semester," he told me.
His normal answer relaxed me. There was no sign of feathers or anything mystical about him. He merely seemed to be just Yukito. I wasn't sure if that reassured me or not.
"Would you like to come back with me?" I asked.
"Sure," he answered.
Yukito and I settled into my office with the ease of long practice. I watched his facial expressions as he set his books down and then looked up at me, pushing his glasses up with his index finger. They had a habit of sliding cutely down his nose.
"How have you been, lately?" I asked, falling into our routine.
His smile was as beautiful as it always was. He began to gesture as he spoke, and I watched his slender hands as they moved. They were so graceful, so perfectly sculpted that I could believe that Yukito wasn't a natural creation. I let him speak for a while, allowing him to relax before I began to ask what I had needed to.
"Has Yue come out lately?"
"He comes out more rarely now," he replied. Yukito leaned forward. "My time lapses have decreased since I began seeing you."
Distract me, I thought. Not a lie, but good avoidance.
"Yukito, what does Yue look like?"
He broke off. "He... he has blue eyes," he said suddenly. "That's..."
"What else?"
"I don't know..." he said softly. His eyes shifted away, and I knew he was lying.
"Liar," I said finally.
Yukito blinked at me slowly, his jaw dropping. "What? Imiyo-san, what do you mean?"
"I called you a liar," I replied calmly, taking a sip of green tea. Yukito... It's time you stopped lying to me, and to yourself. I'm not sure if you even know how much you lie, or if you're consciously aware of lying, but I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth."
He blinked at me, and I noticed his hands were trembling slightly. It was one of the hardest things in my life not to get up and comfort him, promise him that he could do whatever he wanted, that I would protect him. Someone needed to drag him into reality, and I unfortunately had been chosen for the position. "I've told you... Imiyo-san.…"
"I saw Yue," I said flatly.
His eyes widened as his breathing quickened. "That's impossible. No one meets Yue."
"You weren't careful last night when you transformed," I told him. "And tonight you continue to spin your web of lies. I have to wonder if you've ever told me the truth."
Yukito flinched away from me, rising to his feet. "I--" He clenched his fists. "Imiyo-san...." He glanced towards the door, and I knew he was about to bolt. His pale face was tight with tension, and the tremors that were wracking his body made me clench my teacup to strengthen my resolve. He was so fragile that hurting him was against my most human instincts, but I knew that as a counselor, I had to press on.
"Yukito, if you don't stop lying to yourself or others, I can't help you. That is, if you want to be helped. Or are you just here to live in some kind of dream world, where you control your reality?" I asked." I'm sure it's a very pretty world, but I'm a professional psychologist. I can't be your enabler. If you don't start working with me, I'm afraid I'll have to terminate our relationship."
"I--" he started, apparently ready to argue, but it was a sentence he never finished. Beneath Yukito's feet, a golden circle formed, and the hurt and anger on his face melted away as his body went slack. I forced my face to remain neutral, but I knew what was happening.
I was about to meet Yue.
The transformation seemed different, now that I was closer. The lines on the ground formed an intricate sun and moon pattern, but they didn't keep my attention for long, for the phantom wings emerged, encasing Yukito and causing him to drift up, defying the law of gravity. Within the protective shield of those wings some kind of metamorphosis was taking place, and I held my breath. It only took seconds, but each one seemed like an eternity before they parted and Yue came forth, settling on the ground on bare feet the color of snow.
Yue and Yukito were as different as two people could be, I recognized immediately. Yue's eyes dissected me like I was a specimen he wasn't sure how to take apart. Everything about him seemed to be more than I was. The things I had in the room faded into insignificance, and I felt I had take a step back from the world I knew as I stared at him in sheer awe. Touya dominated a room without trying; Yue recreated it in his own image simply by being there. He became the reality, and the mundane seemed to be ridiculous beside him.
"Yue," I stated, acknowledging him to keep calm. I wouldn't let him take control of my room--this was my office, and no creature, mythical or otherwise, would wrest it from me. "It's nice to meet you face to face. I'm Kawashima Imiyo."
"I know who you are," he replied. His voice was as cold as the dark side of the moon, forever denied the light of the sun. Still, it was Yukito's voice, and that reassured me.
I nodded a bit, maintaining my seat and taking a sip of my tea. The liquid soothed me, grounding me in reality as I forced myself to swallow. "You are aware of everything Yukito is aware of, then." I said.
He nodded. "He is my false self. Of course I am," he replied.
"Why did you choose now to come out?" I asked. My voice was level as I met his eyes. Yue's eyes fascinated me. They weren't a true ice blue, but rather that indescribable color of a winter sky; one moment the ice blue Yukito had named them, the next shading towards lavender. They were a shade I had never seen before and wished I could capture somehow, a shade simply too perfect to be human.
But then Yue wasn't human.
He spoke after a pause, and it wasn't because he was slow; no, I had the impression that Yue's intelligence far exceeded my own. Yue was planning everything he would say, truly considering his words. I appreciated that. There were too many people who spoke without thought and regretted their words later. "Yukito was upset."
"I won't apologize," I replied. "I don't like being lied to."
"This isn't about you," Yue told me, and he moved closer, and I had to force myself to concentrate on breathing. His presence was overwhelming, and I needed to remind myself that it wasn't a dream, that this creature before me was real, and had in some way been hidden inside Tsukishiro Yukito. "It's about Yukito."
"It is. And if I'm going to help him, I need you to work with him as well..."
The coldness of his expression faltered for a second. "What?"
"I like Yukito, but he needs to stop hiding from the truth. He may intellectually know he's your false form, and he may be coping with it, but he needs to accept it in his heart. He needs to understand what he is... and I get the feeling you've hidden much of what you are from him, which doesn't help."
Yue blinked for a moment, and then he sighed a bit. His wings extended, and then faded from view, as though they had never existed. I blinked, wondering if I was dreaming. "Yukito wasn't supposed to exist after the Final Judgment," he explained.
"What?"
"I was created to protect a powerful magical artifact. I'm called the Judge, because that's my role... I judge the person who is worthy to hold that artifact. Yukito was created to hide me until that moment. When that moment came, the person wasn't powerful enough to support me, so I faded back into Yukito's mind. Besides, that person loved Yukito."
"Touya?"
Yue shook his head. "Sakura. She thought Yukito was the person she loved most... it comes from being moon aligned. She felt my power, and was drawn to him."
"Moon aligned?"
"You're strongly moon aligned," he told me. "Women are more inclined to be, but you're more attuned than most. It explains why you are so strongly drawn to Yukito. You feel the moon energy subconsciously and gravitate towards it."
I snorted. I couldn't help it. "Right."
"It's true. Many people love Yukito because they feel the energy and are unable to stop themselves from wanting to bask in its warmth."
His arrogance irritated me. "You, sit," I ordered.
Yue blinked in astonishment at me as I glared at him. The beautiful creature seemed totally at a loss for how to react. It was apparent that no one ever told him what to do. So he sank to the floor, kneeling gracefully. I had intended for him to take a chair, but even though his wings had vanished, he still behaved like he bore them. There was a deliberateness to the way he moved, as though he was taking the time to think five steps ahead.
"You may be right about me being moon aligned--I'll concede that you're the expert there. But I'm the expert on human relationships. The thing that draws us to a person won't sustain a relationship if there isn't more than that initial attraction." I stared him down, and Yue looked back at me. "Beauty, riches, charisma... These all help, but for a relationship to truly work, there needs to be more."
Yue stared at me for a moment, and something in his eyes looked as lonely as Yukito did. For a second, I saw Yukito superimposed over him, and it was dizzying to me. "I wouldn't know," he said softly. "I'm not meant for that."
"You just think you're not," I told him. "I'm sure Sakura was drawn to Yukito's gentleness as well. He's a natural choice for a girl's first crush. And that was what it was, wasn't it?"
Yue nodded a bit. "Yukito also told Sakura he reminded her of her father, Kinomoto Fujitaka."
"Kinomoto-san must be a wonderful man, then." I smiled at Yue, and Yue seemed to grow a bit distant.
"He is... he reminds me a bit of... someone who was once important to me."
"Is there anyone who is important to you right now?" I asked softly. "Aside from Yukito?"
"Sakura and Touya," Yue replied, then seemed surprised that he answered me. "You're good," he said after a moment. "I don't know how to deal with you. I've never... spent any time with an adult woman."
I wanted to confess I didn't know how to deal with him, either, but now was not the time. Yue needed to see me as an authority figure. Something about the way he was acting made me thing he was very lonely as well. What would it be like, I wondered, to have to hide behind a false form? I gave him a firm smile, coming to a decision. "I'm not sure exactly what you are, Yue, but you and Yukito... there's no separating the two of you. So you're both my client, because Yukito sought me for help."
"You called him a liar," Yue accused, and his face hardened.
"Isn't he?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow quizzically. "The truth hurts."
Yue nodded after a second. "But why didn't you try to be more gentle?"
"Because a wound needs to be cauterized by fire," I told Yue. I stared into his face, and saw the saw shape and structure of Yukito's. "I am not always nice, Yue, but I did what I had to." I rose to my feet for the first time in the session, coming over to kneel next to Yue, even though it felt decidedly odd to approach this alien being. But the loneliness in his eyes was the same as that Yukito wore, and I knew that Yukito had to come from somewhere. "I can't separate the truth from the lies, Yue," I told him. "Yukito needs to start telling the truth for his own good, and stop living in a fantasy world. I don't know why he came to see me, but he spun me a fantasy world... and I can't, in good conscience, let him get away with it."
Yue nodded slowly, lowering his eyes. "I...I think he just wanted someone to be on his side. Everyone has accepted that he was a false form of a magical creature, but that means he's not human. It's a terrible blow, but by accepting my existence, Sakura and Touya have almost chosen me over him." He raised his eyes, and the intensity in them scared me.
"Emotions are a funny thing," I said. "But...he hasn't accepted you." I stared at Yue. "Are you going to let him fade away?"
Yue shook his head. "Even if I wanted to, I don't think I could anymore. His sense of self is too strong."
"Do you want to?" I demanded.
Yue was quiet. "No. I like him. When he lives, I share his life, his dreams, his feelings--it's a wonderful thing. He's everything I'm not."
I wondered about that. Yue was distant and divorced from humanity, but Yukito was one of the most human people I had ever met, embracing life with a passion that was unmatched. Yue and Yukito are…compliments, in some way I didn't understand?
Or the same person, living in a dream?
"You need to make it clear you won't erase him," I told Yue. "One of the reasons he doesn't like you is because he fears you. He has a very strong will to live, and he fears that you'll decide he's unnecessary."
Yue sighed. "I wanted to remain apart from him, but circumstances keep drawing me closer."
"Then don't deny the pull," I said.
Yue turned his eyes towards me, and I shivered a bit. "I... Yukito will never let that happen. Even if I was able to convince him that I won't absorb him, he will never forgive me for what happened to Touya."
"Touya?" My mind flickered back to the dark teenager who had appeared on my doorstep.
Yue glanced down at his hands, which were folded neatly in his lap. "When Sakura claimed the artifact I guard, she became responsible for sustaining my existence, magically. I depend on my master's power."
"You... feed off your master?" I asked. I forced my initial revulsion aside, knowing that my ignorance of magic left me in no place to judge.
Yue shrugged. "My creator always told me that the sun shines on its own, but the moon reflects. I am the moon, and I reflect the light of my master. I don't have the power to support my existence. It is my master's duty to support me magically."
The pieces were falling together. "Sakura is just a little girl...."
Yue nodded, and his long bangs obscured those eyes I found so intriguing. "She couldn't. She will someday have the needed power, but she didn't have the power needed. So Touya offered his own."
I blinked. "Touya has magic?"
Yue raised his eyes, and I saw the sorrow there. "Had. Touya was a particularly powerful seer; he could see spirits, and always knew about what was going on around him. It's a strong gift, knowing the present, perhaps even more powerful than knowing likely futures. He was able to control his environment, and there's a lot to be said for that."
I nodded, considering that. "To always be in control--I know many people who would sell their souls for that ability."
"Touya sold his soul for Yukito instead," Yue said, and I knew Yue wasn't being melodramatic, but speaking the truth as he saw it. "Yukito was dying, and to keep him alive, he gave me his magic. Yukito can't exist without me."
"The shadow can't exist without what gives it shape," I said softly, before turning to Yue. "But none of us exist without shadows, Yue."
Yue jerked a bit, and I saw surprise in his face. "What?"
"Nothing in this world exists without a shadow, when it is hit by the light," I said. "Plato and the cave–Touya spoke to me about it, when he was telling me about your nature."
"Which is real?" Yue said. "I'm familiar with it. My creator was fond of philosophy, and we'd spend hours debating it. Eastern or Western, it didn't matter where it was from…"
I smiled, thinking of another philosopher I was fond of, one of the few I bothered with. "Have you heard of Chuang Tzu?" I asked.
Yue thought for a moment. "Not offhand."
"Many people don't actually know his name. Actually, I think…" I rose to my feet, feeling a bit awkward next to the preternatural grace Yue had displayed and went to my desk, scribbling something down on a sheet of paper. "Give this to Yukito when you think he's ready," I told Yue as I handed it back to him.
"What is it?" Yue asked.
"Go ahead and read it."
The winged man opened it slowly, as though it would bite him if he wasn't careful, and maybe the idea inside would. He read it quickly, and his hand tightened on the note minutely. "Ideas are dangerous weapons," Yue said softly.
I nodded slowly. "There's a reason they say the pen is mightier than the sword."
"Words are cruel things," he whispered, finally coming to his feet, and even though he wasn't a tall being, I felt dwarfed by his presence. "Especially the ones that we never say." He was silent for many long moments, lost in his memories before he spoke again. "I need to be going. The longer I stay, the larger the gap in Yukito's memory."
"Yue…" I whispered, and he hesitated, his hand lingering over the doorknob. "I only want what is best for you… both of you."
He smiled, a slight twitch of his lips. "I know. Somehow that makes all this bearable. But you know what the road to hell is paved with." The door opened and closed, and he moved silently through it. Then he was gone as though he had never been there at all and had only been a figment of my imagination.
I stared at the door Yue had used, finally allowing myself the luxury of tears. "Did I do the right thing?" I murmured to myself.
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October 25
Personal Diary of Katashiwa Imiyo
Meeting Yue tonight face-to-face was certainly an interesting experience. The previous night had seemed like a dream, outside of my realm, and tonight had retained some of that quality, but since he was in my territory, I can't deny it had happened.
Yue is real. I have no clue exactly what he is, but he is not human, he is a creature of magic, and he is my problem to deal with.
Of course, dealing with Yue means dealing with Yukito; this is my goal. Yukito is my patient, which means Yue is part of the deal. They're a matched set, and though I can't quite decide if they are the same creature of two beings sharing one body, I know that I had to finally bring Yukito to the confrontation point, which is always my least favorite thing. I allowed him to lie, until the point where he mentioned Yue, and then I confronted him with the truth that I knew about Yue.
This had, as I hoped, brought Yue out.
It was… scary.
Yue's anger towards me is nothing I ever want to experience again, but he quickly calmed down. Yue has been severely isolated socially and understands very little on how relationships work. He is a creature of magic and uses magic to explain everything, even where a mundane explanation would work. He seems to be locked in a deep depression over the death of his creator. He is tightly bound to Sakura and fond of Touya, which lead me to believe that Yukito and Yue are not are far apart mentally as they may like to believe.
If Yukito takes the bait and returns, I will be able to work with them both on accepting each other. Yue is protective towards Yukito; Yukito is angry towards Yue for his actions towards Touya, which were a matter of survival and apparently done with Touya's full knowledge. I don't quite understand how magic works, so I would need to ask more questions to fully understand the situation.
Counseling remains at the pivotal stage. We're at the breakthrough point. Either Tsukishiro Yukito will return voluntarily for more counseling and ready to let me help him, or there is nothing I can do. I have no predictions. I do not know which way he will move, since I've never dealt with a person who was not human before.
I hope he comes back… but I don't know.
I simply don't know what will happen.
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END PART SIX
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Author's Notes
Oh, I am bad, bad, bad....
Yes, counselors WILL occasionally try this kind of therapy - it's rare, though. Usually they try to "build a person up." However, this is "forcing Yukito to look in a mirror" and it's not real nice. This is similar to an intervention. Poor Imiyo got the role.
Credit to Krys, as ever, for the beta... and Tamchan, for her eternal... encouragement? Or should I say ego stroking/nagging/prodding?
Cultural Notes:
Ogura Hyakunin Isshu is a collection of 100 poems, all of them pretty classic. English Translations are available:
Chuang Tzu: Will be explained next part. Go ahead and look it up if you want, but... ^_~
Feedback is grand... we're one away from putting this story to bed.