Forgive me

"Why can't I ever say what I mean when what I mean to say isn't intended to be mean? If you're still with me, that is.

I can't stop looking at you. I don't feel like I even should be allowed to look at you, Spike. But I can't stop. You've always had a way of knowing how to confront me with my mistakes, even if last year you made tons of your own. I'm not attacking you—but you were wrong to let me do what I did. I realize now that it was all me.

No, some of it was you; but by far the most, it was me. I made horrible mistakes, but you were wrong. I couldn't have grown to accept any feelings I had for you. Ignoring them was so easy… ignoring you was so easy. Do you remember that time the Nerdy Three had turned me invisible? I know you do. Do you remember what I did? How can you not. Not because of what it was and not because you can't forget. I wonder, do you remember your own birth?

What are you really like? I know you think there's an angel underneath this bitch, but Spike, I'm not Meredith Brooks. I'm Buffy Summers. I'm not an angel. I'm the Slayer and I'm good at being the Slayer. But I'm also a girl and I'm crap at being a person. But I think I'm changing. I'm kind of gaining an insight into my own life. If I could—if I had the right to—I would ask for your forgiveness. I've given you mine when I laid you down in my bed.

We have trouble again, you know. We've got a problem on our hands; Willow's back. At least she's supposed to be back. We can't find her anywhere. And we've found three flayed people since she was supposed to arrive.

But you don't know about that yet, do you? After what happened, you fled Sunnydale. Anyway, after you left, my Head Arch Nemesis—don't worry; you're still my arch rival and my complete and total equal—came to our house and started shooting. Xander wasn't hit, but I was and so was Tara. He only got me in the shoulder, but one of the stray bullets went straight through Tara's heart. She died in Willow's arms. And Willow… she just lost it. She drained every book on dark magic from the Magic Box and then she set her fury loose on Sunnydale.

She was going wipe the entire planet off the face of the universe. Xander eventually stopped her.

But I'm worried now, Spike. Giles said she wasn't done with—whatever it was she was doing in England. And with the newly skinless people… Do you think it would be wrong to suspect Will?" Buffy paused and tried to catch her breath, and ran a hand through her hair. She tried to work up the courage to continue; afraid that if she spoke the facts out loud it would make the logical reality. Even if she was talking to herself, it seemed that Spike was somehow listening.

"Yesterday we killed a nasty demon who paralyzed Dawn; and well, ate skin and drank blood. Seeing his victim wasn't pretty, and I…" Buffy trailed off again, unable to bring herself to saying that the two other victims had been killed after she and Xander had taken care of Gnarl.

         "It can't be Willow, can it? It can't be her. Please tell me it' couldn't be Willow," Buffy whispered, having finally summoned up the courage to say aloud what she was secretly thinking.

A knock on the door saved Buffy from having to utter further suspicions about one of her best friends. Xander's face appeared and he asked if she could leave, so he could change Spike's bandages. Even though Xander didn't particular like the blond—especially after what had happened the past spring in the Summers bathroom—he had taken it upon himself to change Spike's bandages, because Buffy couldn't bring herself to do it.

The last thing she said before left was a hurriedly whispered 'forgive me'. Then Buffy closed the door.

^

TBC