Alexis Lee ~ Brilliant! That's exactly the way I wanted Morrigan to appear! Especially the line "A devils angel in her own private hell. A hell she longs to share" pegs her perfectly!
Enahma ~ A happy ending? Well, everybody has a different definition on happiness, right ^^
Ophite68 ~ The Whore of Babylon and Morrigan...well, I think that Morrigan is quite a "whore" in many ways. Since her schooldays when she dated Ravenclaws in order to get them to write her homework, she always used her beauty and charm shamelessly for her own personal gain, not caring the slightest about right and wrong. It is her personal view of the world that you should use all the weapons you have to make your own way, regardless of the prices you pay. And as she showed in the last chapter, she did not even hesitate to sleep with Lucius in order to gain personal fame at Hogwarts. And yet she is used by men as much as she uses them. I am convinced that she would prefer a normal love life, but this is not the role others want her to play. They want the carefree, flighty blonde and so she wears this mask although it slowly destroys herself.
I hope that answers your question ^^
Isidra ~ Kein Review? Ich hoffe, dass heisst nicht, dass Du das letzte Kapitel furchtbar fandest?!?!
All other Reviewers ~ THANKS A LOT! Nothing helps as much as feedback!
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Chapter 11: Adorable Sorceress, do you love the Damned?
Flashback 4:
"But how is she?" James prompted urgently. "Will she be alright?"
Madam Mayfair, the current mediwitch at Hogwarts, shook her head in mock desperation. "As I told you about ten times in the last five minutes, Potter, your girlfriend just needs a bit of sleep and she will be herself again tomorrow", she returned dryly, her brown eyes sparkling in sardonic amusement. "Is there something else I can do for you or will you kindly let me get back at my work now?"
He wouldn't be James Potter if he let this opportunity pass by. "Well", he began with his most charming smile. "I wondered if it would be possible for me..."
"To see her?" Madam Mayfair continued his sentence. When he nodded urgently, she sighed resigned. "I suppose", she returned grumpily. "But Potter? Tell Mr Snape to get a bit of rest himself; he certainly looks as if he needed it."
James, who had already turned around to storm into the hospital wing, stopped dead in his tracks. "Snape?" he echoed, surprising himself with the sharpness of his voice. "Do you want to say that Snape is with her?"
The older woman arched an eyebrow at this open display of hostility. "Indeed", he acknowledged with a nod. "He came by because of a headache and when he saw Miss Evans sleeping, he suddenly got all concerned. Asked me if she was alright and if he could do something to help, so I told him to remain with her for the case she wakes up." The intelligent brown eyes softened a bit. "Say what you want, but in contrast to you Gryffindor rowdies, the Slytherin boys are all real gentlemen!"
In any other moment, James would have shot back some sarcastic Anti-Serpent remark, but now he only nodded absent-mindedly. "I see", he muttered softly, before turning around to the hospital wing again. "Thank you, Madam Mayfair. I'll tell Snape."
Not noticing the astonished look on the older woman's face, he finally entered the room before him, a frown on his forehead.
Snape.
Well, one thing was sure, no matter how many years passed, he would never understand the Slytherin boy. They had disliked each other right from the moment when they had painfully collided into each other on the Hogwarts´ train on their first school day, but ever since James had saved the other one's life, the traditional loathing had turned into something far more lethal from Snape's side. When he had asked Lily, probably the only person walking the face of earth to comprehend the greasy git´s way of thinking, about this paradox, a very strange look had graced her flawless face for one moment. `It's his pride´, she had eventually answered, shortly like always when she spoke about one of her former best friends, ´He lives because of your mercy and this he will never forgive you.´
James shook his head. Not that he doubted his girlfriend's judgement concerning the overgrown bat, but this was absolutely ridiculous. Or more precisely, he corrected himself with a smirk, absolutely Slytherin – Just like it was absolutely Slytherin as well to sit at the bed of a girl whom one had first most cruelly abandoned and then ignored for almost two years!
His lips thinned as his thoughts returned to the matter at hand. How the hell dared the git to approach Lily after all the misery he had caused her?
He felt a hot stream of rage bubbling up in him as his temper began to spark like starved dry tinder. Although he and the red-haired witch were a pair for now almost one and a half year, although Lily had told him on countless occasions that she loved him, his stomach still curled in a painful mixture of fury and jealously whenever he thought about the intimacy she had once shared with Severus. By Merlin, the thrice-cursed idiot had meant so much to her that he had been able to make her cry!
Unconsciously his hands formed into fists when he remembered the expression on her face the day Snape had broken up with her. He had never before or afterwards seen her so broken, so heart-wrenching desperate. If Severus thought that he could hurt her again, he would...
Consumed with righteous anger, he finally stormed into the room, ready to throw the first curse at the Slytherin that would cross his mind. However he stopped dead in his tracks as he finally caught sight of Snape.
His eyes widened.
Sitting on the edge of Lily's bed, bare inches away from her, Severus´s black eyes laid with unhidden emotion on the sleeping girl, with a look as if the sight caused both heartbreaking pain and fleeting happiness in him. James's anger puffed away. He had never seen a more painfully honest and open expression on anyone's face, least of all on Snape's.
His eyes wandered to his girlfriend who, deeply asleep, was oblivious of her former love's presence. James felt himself soften like always when he set his eyes on her. His Lily, his wonderful, perfect, beautiful Lily. Her head cradled on a nest of her own gleaming red hair, her face drained of all passion, she resembled a little girl, unmarked in her freshness and her innocence yet deep within some fairy world of her own imagination. She was all he could ever wish for, all he could ever want and although there was a part of her which he simply could not grasp, a darkness that was beyond his reach, just being in the same room with her made him melting with happiness.
He wondered what Snape felt when looking at her.
Remaining in the doorway, James watched his arch-nemesis reaching out his hand to the girl and noticed astonished that it was actually shaking. Like Snape was scared of what he might do to her or what she might do to him. But although his touch was hesitant, it was obvious that Lily found comfort in it; when he brushed back the flaming locks from her forehead and ran his hand through her hair almost reverently, she leant trustfully into the touch, reacting to Snape as if he were the one thing in the world that could make everything okay, one of the most beautiful smiles James had ever seen sweeping across her face.
Suddenly he couldn't stand the sight any longer. He coughed quietly to make himself noticeable.
Snape jerked his hand away as if he had been caught on the stage of crime. "Potter", he mumbled, somewhat abashed at the sight of him. His black eyes blinked nervously several times. "I didn't mean to..."
"You didn't mean to do what?" James returned with false ease. „You didn't mean groping my girlfriend when she couldn't defend herself?"
Snape didn't answer to this, but only lowered his gaze the ground as though he were a prisoner in a courtroom, facing judge and jury. Regarding him a bit closer, James noticed in shock how terrible the boy looked. The greasy black hair was lank, his skin even paler than usual with a kind of sickly tinge to it and dark rings around his eyes suggested that he hadn't slept properly for at least a week. "Are you alright, Snape?" he asked without thinking.
A humourless little smirk appeared on the thin lips as the other looked up again. "Why would you care?"
James stared down at him, silent for one moment. Finally he pointed towards Lily. "Because she does", he answered quietly, a hint of bitterness echoing in his voice. "She never says, but I know she does. In spite of everything you have done to her, she will never stop caring for you."
Even when he was still speaking, his heart already began to pound painfully against his chest. It was true, he realised, a part of Lily would always belong to Snape, even if the Slytherin ignored her for the rest of their lives. The thought hurt almost more than bearable.
But Snape didn't look triumphantly. In the contrary, his shoulders seemed defeated, burdened with a load far too heavy for him, while he bit his lips almost violently. „I'm sorry", he suddenly said, his voice strangely hoarse, and James didn't know if the words were addressed to him or to the sleeping girl on the bed. „I'm so sorry."
„That really helps", James deadpanned wearily, his eyes fixed on the other boy's face.
For one moment nobody of them spoke.
„Why have you left her two years ago?" James finally broke the silence. „I know that you loved her, everybody could see this. So why?"
Again, Snape avoided his gaze. „Things change", he muttered quietly.
The Head Boy snorted derisively. "Oh, do they? So what the hell are you doing here?"
To his blatant surprise, the other did not snap back with his usual sharp tongue, but simply continued to stare at the radiate girl before him, a twinge of something akin to sadness in the back of those unfathomable black eyes, while his hands were folded resignedly in his lap. "Sometimes they change so much you feel like you've come full circle and back to a place you've been before", he eventually answered quietly.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, James finally sat down in the seat opposite to Snape's. "You and Lily. Why can't any of you two just be plain and forthright when asked a question?" When he got no answer, he shook his head calmly. "You have no right to be here, do you realize that?"
The Slytherin nodded defeated, his eyes staring fixedly on one of the other hospital beds. "I know."
"No, you don't!" For one moment James was afraid of having woken up Lily with his loud voice, but as the girl simply continued to sleep peacefully, he repeated in a quieter voice, „You don't! You have not the slightest idea how much hurt you caused her, no idea how much she cried for you, so don't give me this „I'm sorry" shit!"
Snape's eyes glazed in a deadened look at this. When he finally lifted his face to James's sight, the other boy was astonished by the maturity set in it. The cold, sneering face he knew was replaced by a face set with exhaustion, wariness and resignation. And somehow James understood that this wasn't the Severus he knew from class, not the heartless git who always tried his best to make his life hell, but the boy his girlfriend had once fallen in love with. "Take care of her, will you, James?" Snape finally said in a tired voice. "Love her like I do." Flinching slightly, he quickly corrected himself, "Like I did."
James just stared at the other boy, his forearms laying limply on the arms of his chair. "It's not the same, Severus", he finally returned, his voice matching Snape's wary tone easily. "She'll never love me like...like she loves you."
´Like she loves you´...The thought went on and on like a nasty children teasing.
Snape looked blankly at him for a moment before he finally sighed resigned. "Not that I am keen on admitting this, but on that point you're wrong, Potter."
„How do you mean this?"
Brushing another fiery lock out of the sleeping girl's face, his eyes all tenderness and concern again, Snape smiled shortly. "I have seen the way she looks at you, you know", he answered quietly. „The way her eyes lit up whenever you come into the room. She loves you very much. Maybe she doesn't realise it herself, but deep inside she had always longed for someone like you, someone light and carefree unlike herself." A mirthless laugh escaped his mouth. "Who knows, if you had just been honest with her about your feelings all along, Lily probably never would have picked me."
"You don't believe this yourself," James muttered bitterly under his breath.
Snape looked at him again, his eyes all of a sudden dark and mournful again. "No, actually, I don't", he replied simply.
The two sat in silence for a bit, listening to the birds outside singing an
infuriatingly buoyant, carefree song.
Eventually Severus exhaled tiredly and stood up to leave. A last look on the gleaming girl in front of him, he nodded his goodbye almost imperceptibly "Adorable Sorceress, do you love the Damned?" he whispered softly. As he noticed the uncomprehending look on the other boy's face, he just rolled his eyes. "That's Baudelaire, Potter, don't tell me that you've never heard of him."
James blushed. "Well actually..."
Murmuring something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "stupid ignorant", Snape shook his head in mock resignation while he rearranged his rumbled robes. Before he left, he shot James a last glance out of unreadable black eyes. "If you ever hurt her, Potter, I will kill you for certain."
James returned the gaze steadily. "Likewise", he replied.
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Snape couldn't believe it. He simply couldn't believe it, but although he had been absolutely determined to avoid the annoying feast this year, here he was, sitting in the Great Hall on Christmas Eve to ´enjoy the season´ as Albus had put it. Throwing a dark glance over to a disturbingly merry Dumbledore, he inwardly accused the Headmaster to use black magic on him to make him comply with all his wishes and requests. He only hoped that he could escape back into his dungeons before the old fool encouraged the brats to sing one of those foolish Muggle tunes everybody took so frightening much delight in. "I wish you a merry Christmas", just burn them all to hell!
"Is something wrong with you, Sev?" The blonde at his side suddenly asked with wilful naivety. "You look so depressed."
He shot her his deadliest glare. „Thank you for your concern, Morrigan, but let me tell you that I have never enjoyed myself as much as tonight", he shot back, his voice heavy with sarcasm. „If only you chose to take another seat, far, far away from me, I would actually believe myself to be in celestial regions."
She smiled mischievously and like so often her beauty burned right into his soul. „But Sev, I thought you didn't believe in heaven", she retorted gently, her angelic blue eyes shimmering like jewels in the bright candle light. „I thought that we lived in hell here on earth and would go to purgatory straight after death."
Muttering something indefinable under his breath, the Potions Master returned his attention to his dinner, very aware that the blonde's perfectly cold blue eyes still rested on him.
He didn't know what Morrigan was up to these days, didn't even want to think about it, but knowing her, he feared the worst.
Frowning he recalled how he had visited her in her ridiculously decorated rooms short after their fateful encounter on the Astronomy Tower. Not quite knowing what to say, he had begun another - very deserved - tirade about the foolish ribbons hanging everywhere on the walls, while she had only been staring at him with mild interest. "Locked together in hatred", she had said after he had finally come to an end, her voice infused with softness. "But you could end it. Oh, don't look at me like that, we both know that you could do it, I am too weak to fight you, too frail. And I wouldn't resist you, Severus, I swear I wouldn't."
The words had been like a slap into the face. "Why the hell are you saying this, Morrigan?"
"Because I'm done with grief!" she had all but hissed the words at him, violent frustration reflecting itself on her beautiful face. "Your evil is that you can't be evil, but I won't suffer this any longer! If you don't end it, then I will!"
He shook his head in dreadful anticipation. All this time he had depended utterly upon her coldness, her absolute lack of pain, but pain was what she had shown him back then, undeniable pain. And he couldn't even imagine what her agony would cause her to do.
Perhaps it would be the best to speak to Albus, he thought warily, Merlin knew that he should have done so right from the beginning on. But he had been weak, weak and so goddam lonely, and he had wanted someone who really knew him, somebody who understood him truly without condemning him for it. And like always, he had closed his eyes before the events to come.
"A sherbet lemon, Severus?" Dumbledore suddenly interrupted his thoughts, still this disturbingly merry expression on his face.
Snape looked over at the Headmaster with not exactly a look of approval. It was his last idea to put one of those ridiculous pieces of candy, of which Albus had become fondly attached over the years, into his mouth.
"No thanks, Headmaster. I'd prefer not."
He sneered to himself as Dumbledore turned his attention back to the students. No, of course he wouldn't tell Albus anything, he knew this as well as Morrigan did. Albus had given him a second chance when all he had deserved had been Azkaban or worse, so how could he give away Morrigan? Morrigan whom he still loved, no matter how much he hated her at the same time.
To his own surprise, he found himself empty of regret at the thought.
His eyes fell on Harry, who sat together with Glory Caulfield, obviously in deep conversation with the pretty girl. When their gazes finally met, the boy winked at him, a broad smile on his face and unwillingly, Snape felt his expression softening a bit, as he nodded back shortly. He found it impossible to pinpoint the exact time when Potter had become Harry to him, but he suspected that it must have happened during one of his visits when he had been distracted and not thinking clearly. But somehow he could not help but feeling that it suited the boy he knew now better. Harry, such a simple, honest and disturbingly innocent name; Lily had not chosen it for nothing.
Of course he would never admit this, not even under the heaviest torture. Neither would he acknowledge the fact that he had come to enjoy the boy's occasional visits in his dungeons. It somehow felt natural by now to see this shock of wild black hair standing in his doorframe, the vibrant green eyes burning softly behind the trademark glasses and a hesitant little smile on his face. Of course, Snape would never encourage him for conversation, but he always felt a hot stream of something disturbingly akin to joy when the boy began to tell him some foolish nonsense about the letters he got from his friends or the books he read at the moment while he himself was searching through his shelves as if he didn't know exactly where the vials of Dreamless Potion laid. It almost felt as though he had finally, through her son, gained Lily's forgiveness for his betrayal of their love.
„The two are cute, aren't they?"
The familiar feeling of anger of being caught tickled down his spine. „Forgive me, Morrigan, but aren't you too old for such adolescent register?" he deadpanned sharply. „And in addition to this, I absolutely cannot see why two teenagers acting on their hormones get you all sentimental."
A little smirk appeared on Morrigan's flawless face. „Well, they remind me of a pair I once knew, lost a long time ago", she returned sweetly, although the expression of her eyes was perfectly cruel. „Whenever I see the two of them together, I can't help but thinking of..."
„Don't!" Snape interrupted her sharply. Then, far quieter, „Please don't!"
For one moment she was silent as though the pain in his voice had taken her by surprise. „I'm sorry", she finally said with heartfelt sincerity. A sad little smile appeared shortly on her lips, but in one moment she was looking past him like someone listening for faint, important music. „So very sorry", she repeated quietly, though not addressed to him this time.
And like always he chose the safety of blindness.
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Author's Notes (yeah, more ones):
- The next chapter will be the story's showdown, only followed by a short epilogue. Since university started again (and because I want the final to be good), I might take a little more time than usual. Just don't forget me. Oh yes, reviewing might help to speed my muse up as well ^_~
- The verse, Snape quotes at Lily's bed, is from Baudelaire´s poem "The Irreparable", which just screamed „SNAPE" to me. Here is one extract:
"Is one able to light the black and muddy skies?
The hope that shines in the windows of the Inn
Has blown out, passed away!
Without moonlight, to find lodged within
The martyrs of a wicked way!
The Devil has extinguished all the windows of the Inn!
Adorable sorceress, do you love the damned?
Do you know the irremissible?
Do you know Remorse, whose arrows venomed
Take our hearts as their goal?
Adorable sorceress, do you love the damned?
The Irreparable gnaws, with its blighted tooth
Our soul, that pitiful monument,
And often he attacks, like a termite, from the root,
Wearing down the building through the basement."