Interlogue
Pockets of Memory
-The Journal of Irvine Kinneas
-Just a way of organizing my scrambled up thoughts.-I.K.
Excerpts
June 2nd, 2000
Galbadia's snapped and the whole fuckin' planet's gone nuts. Matron left last week and joined Deling in Timber for a thinly disguised declaration of war. Only days before they overwhelmed Dollet and took on SEEDjust to get the satellites in place.
That was for Esthar's benefit. I wonder how the President felt 'bout that?
Was prolly too busy watching his Saturday morning cartoons- it was, after all, a Saturday morning.
Sorry, digression.
Anyway, now I'm stuck on a flippin' train with Them.
Damn this memory, damn Gfs and damn Quistis Trepe.
Damn Selphie Tilmitt too. . .She's too darned cheerful. And adorable.
So, like, anyway, I'm writing this on a train destined for Deling City. After Matron left, Martine resumed his responsibility and has been in constant communication with General Caraway and Headmaster Cid Kramer. Caraway, whose been such a useless pawn since the beginning, has finally wised up and joined the rebellion.
Yeah, we're rebelling against Deling.
And Matron.
Mostly Matron.
I have to kill Matron.
I don't know if I can handle it. They don't know.
Lucky bastards. They're all here. All of them are involved.
Even Seifer. They all think he's dead. Some wish it, though they say otherwise.
I wish I was dead sometimes. . .Lived through too much to deserve to live.
Lookin' at Quisty- all serious and professional and oblivious. . .And heartless. Even met my eyes with those cool blue eyes of hers. My blood was boiling. Nothing was settled with us. No communication. Nothing. Not even a god-damned post card. She'd discarded me easily enough- she was a modern woman, no one could deny it. Career before love. . .if she did love me. She swore she did, time and time again. I mean, we were young- sixteen, seventeen. But still, it's not like we'd just met. We'd known each other forever. I met those cold eyes again- I had a few choice words for the girl, words that only a jilted lover like yours truly could utter with a clear conscience. But, looking into those eyes again, I realized and was totally dumbfounded.
She didn't recognize me. Didn't blink. Didn't bat a blinkin' eyelash. Greeted me like a total stranger after deserting me.
It could've been that I hadn't been that important to begin with. . .though it's kinda hard to believe that, considering everything. But. . .no, I know she doesn't remember me. Even when I grabbed Selphie and Rin- no jealousy, nothing- just a roll of them gorgeous ocean-blue irises.
She doesn't remember me. Not even a little.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. At least she's not ignoring me on purpose...right?
I've come to grips. . .I hope. Or else I'm sunk.
My heart's feeling pretty mangled.
Selphie's song is stuck in my head. . .she always had a thing for trains. She's so sweet. . .
But she doesn't remember me either. Not even from the Trabia episode.
. . .though. . .I'm not sure what I remember about the Trabia episode.
I have to go.
June 9, 2000
I'll always be her little boy. . .
Even before I'm a murderer, I'm a son. . .even though I've never had any parents.
I couldn't kill matron. I snapped. Seeing her- gawd, she's beautiful, like a goddess or something- I just froze. Squall thought it was the pressure- that made me chuckle a bit inside. I wanted to tell him so bad. I wanted to shake him and scream at him to remember, to realize what he was asking me to do. She was all that we had. When no one else had wanted us she held us so tight. I reckon she's the only one who really ever wanted me. . except for Quisty.
But she's changed. She doesn't love me. Never remembered me. I just give her headaches. She always shakes her head at me. The only one who cares is Seffie. . .and Squall, because he thinks he's gotta take care of all of us.
Tangent...sorry.
So, when I finally took the shot she'd put up a force field. I think I knew it-that I wouldn't be able to hurt her. . .I wouldn't a been able to do it had I not subconsciously realized that she was practically invincible.
So we went after her- brandishing our weapons like thoughtless heroes, storming the float, attacking the villains.
Seifer was there. We beat him down. It made me kinda sad. He's just like me- caught by her. I know he remembers- he remembered me a couple weeks ago when she brought him to G-garden. He remembered everything. And I told him more- reminded him who she was and told him all I could about what happened in Trabia (which really wasn't very much.) He was so disoriented- didn't know what to do, but he wanted to protect Matron. I guess he was pretty messed up- Always thought he'd be stronger than that. . .
...but I was jealous of how Matron treated him. Her knight. I always wanted to be a knight too. . .but knights were noble. Not like me.
I'm a god damned assassin. Thief in the night. Nocturnal predator.
Enough romanticization. I'm Deling's Gun-whore.
And now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Matron went into a limit and nailed Squall with this, like, jagged, flying stalactite spell. He fell unconscious, gushing blood here there and every-fucking-where. Rinny freaked out- Matron knocked her out- then proceeded to beat me and Seifer raw.
At that moment- as she was tearing the skin slowly from our backs with her magic, inch by inch, then burning our open wounds with a fire just cool enough not to cauterize the gashes- at that moment, I had an epiphany.
I knew it wasn't Matron.
I'd always figured, but I knew then and there that it wasn't her.
I don't know who it is, though. No idea.
Now. . .I'm being forced back to the Desert prison to retrieve my incarcerated comrades.
That's one nice thing about being owned by the bad-guys- Matron let me go (with a little prodding from Martine) and now I have clearance to a whole bunch of secret stuff. I think I'm subtle enough to play the double agent routine- pretend to be Matron's lackey (oh-Deling's dead, by the way. Whoo-wee, thank fucking hyne! She killed him during the parade in fronta everyone, but nobody realized it. The galbadians are fucking cult, see-all entranced or something, but anyway...)So, 'cause I'm a double agent, I can move freely.
So my "friends"-I was gonna go after I delivered Rinny to her daddy.
But she hasta be the most violent dame in Galbadia! Shit! She keeps kicking me in the balls and pinching me. It fucking hurts! So I'm stuck with her and we're on our way to recover my surrogate brothers and sisters. All in the desert prison. . .
Signing out- Rinoa's getting suspicious. I have a feeling she's going to let loose a barrage of pinches.
June 11
So here we are- floating. Endlessly floating. We're being shipped to F.H. for some flipping reason. Why?
Well. . .we're kinda stuck in the bowels of this tank-like robot thing-a-majig.
Me. . .and Seffie. . .and Quisty.
Dream combo. In fact. . .I keep havin' naughty dreams 'bout the three of us, and I must be pretty loud because Quisty keeps elbowing me in the stomach and screwing her face up in that serious, finger-wagging, Instructor Trepe glare.
It kinda makes me cringe.
I think Seffie's just glad to be alive. She's been pretty quiet.
She feels real bad about us almost dying, even though it's not her fault.
We would've lived through it anyway, I have a feeling. Things just work out like that. .. At least they do for me. Hyne knows how much crap I've lived through. . .Quisty too.
Seffie's come over to sit beside me. I think she wants to know what I'm writing (Don't worry, diary, I'll keep you hidden, nobody's gonna know that Irvine Kinneas has a friggin diary!)
But I do give her a shoulder to lean her pretty head against.
Seffie is pretty- real pretty. And she always make me feel better, even when she doesn't say nothing.
What's the easiest way to get over a broken heart?
I'm not rebounding or anything- Quisty was, like, ten months ago.
It's just hard seeing her here and being so close to her all the time. I...was in love with her. I still am...a bit. And Seffie. . .I always thought of her as a little sister. . .well, she's older than me, but still...
Not anymore. I'm falling pretty fast.
I hope we managed to change the course of those missiles.
I hate letting Squall down. He makes me feel like a child, I just wanna make'em proud. Fucked up, eh? He's a good leader, though- despite his misanthropy. (Hey-is that a word?)
I wonder how Seif's doing. . .I feel bad for him (never tell him that, though)
I wanna tell them about everything. Seffie here, her head on my shoulder. Quisty is just resting against the rusty wall, her eyelashes dark and feathery against her cheek.
Yeah...sometimes I'm a poet. Just 'cause I got two muses sitting here in my line of view.
I hope Garden's all right.
I'm gonna put you down now- I wanna put an arm 'round Seffie and get myself some shut eye.
June 18
I have my siblings back.
Trabia. . .the missiles hit.
It's a disaster.
But there's this thing called providence- good comin' from the bad, or something. And that's what this was.
On the basketball court behind Garden- not far from where Seif and I waged a snowball war on the Trabians- we had a moment.
And they started to remember.
With my help of course.
They remembered the lighthouse and the sea and the sandy beach. They remembered the orphanage.
They remembered each other. They remembered me.
They remembered matron.
A stronger man would'a cried. . .but I just smiled like goof.
Seffie gave me a big hug- nice, eh? Before she wasn't even interested in holding my hand. Now, all of a sudden, I'm good enough for a very unsisterly, full body contact hug.
Quisty just looked at me suspiciously. . .like she does.
It really hurts.
Zell got really upset and dejected-like. He was the only one of us with a family. He didn't know he was adopted. I know he doesn't like me, but I thumped him on the back just to offer some support. He smiled forcibly and accepted my gesture.
Squall said nothing. I figured he was thinking about Sis.
Sis. . .Ellone. They gave her over to the White SeeD ship.
That's the ship Xu and Lukan grew up on.
Xu. . .won't talk to me.
The first time she saw me her eyes all bugged out and she went ghost-white. I'm not sure what it was all about, but I didn't think to ask'er, 'cause Seffie came to find me so we could get our party going.
We had a concert for Squall, 'cause he needs to relax. Yeah, we played the instruments (some better than others) I was just glad we had all the damned scores- all the music was mixed up, y'know?
Oh- back to THE REVELATION. So now. . .we're all family again. As much as we ever were, anyway. Quisty's not glaring at me anymore- she's warmed up a bit. I was flirting with'er earlier (teasing'er a little) and she even let me put an arm around her.
Only for a couple seconds, but it felt real nice.
It felt like home.
She remembers being bossy little quisty, but she doesn't remember my Quisty.
I wonder what that means.
We're going after Matron now. And Seifer. I really hate the idea.
But at least we're all together again. Even Rinny's revealed the fact that she and I were friends a little when were kids. Seffie raised two eyebrows, Squall raised one and Quisty just rolled her eyes and shook her head. Rin and I were never together like that, and we promptly cleared up the confusion generated from all the conclusion-jumping that was being made. Later, Rinoa came up to me and we had a little chat. It went something like this. . .
Rin: Irvine (that's me!) I need to talk to you.
Me: (in my sexiest voice) Well, anything for a genteel lady of your calibre- y'know, Rin, you remind me of this gun I saw. . .
Rin: Irvine, shut up (rude, huh? When I was being so nice too. She doesn't remind me of Exeter anymore. . .).
Me: So, like, what's up? (I said real nonchalantly)
Rin: Well. . .(she said all nervous-like) I just wanted to ask you about all of this. This memory stuff.(She trailed off)
Me: Uh, sure. Whatchya wanna know?
Rin:. . .I'm not sure if I understand everything you guys were talking about back there. So. . .you-all of you- grew up together? And didn't remember?
Me: Yeah, kinda.
Rin: You remember, right? Because you haven't used the guardian forces very much.
Me:. . .Sorta.
Rin: But none of them remembered anything. . .before today, I mean.
Me: Right.
Rin: But Seifer remembered. He told me about it last summer.
Me: That's 'cause I told Seif last summer, sweetheart. (I just didn't know where she was going with this. . .)
Rin: Well. . didn't you tell Quistis last summer too?
Me: I. . .yeah. (I stopped suddenly. She arched an eyebrow.)
Rin: So why didn't she remember anything? She didn't even recognize you- She didn't recognize me.(I didn't say anything to that. Hell- I had no idea what was going on with that. Rin continued.) I. . .I'm just going to say this now. Irvine- after you guys came back from Trabia, there were lots of rumours floating around about Galbadia's prodigal son. The one my father told me was the most popular one- that you had died at the hands of the Soceritology cult-leader. That's why I was so surprised when I saw you- I just didn't know what to say. It wasn't like when we were little, when I used to pretend I didn't know you. I was shocked and I really was kind of afraid. Especially after that run in with the gerogero on the train. . .
Me: The gerogero (I shuddered- I knew I did. Just a whole shit load of bad connotations came along with that damned thing. . .) Did you guys kill that thing?
Rin: Of course. (I let out my held breath) And, I'm sorry- but I really haven't been able to trust you until today- until you let all this out. I mean- you didn't say anything about last summer, so I just wasn't sure. But, now I'm really confused about Quistis. You two were. . .well, I didn't know her that well- I don't think she liked me, and still doesn't really- but the way you two were together. . .it changed my perception of love. It's also why Seifer dumped me, because I wanted too much from him, I think. The two of you were. . .I don't know... idyllic or something. I loved it. I can't remember my mother, and. . .well, I never really had a lot of friends. . .so I never had the opportunity to see what love should look like. You two taught me. Irvine. . .you need to remind Quistis.
(There was a real long pause there.)
Irvine?
Me: Hun, I. . .can't.
Rin: What? Why the hell not? (She stamped her foot and glared.) Irvine!
Me: Rinny, she. . .don't want me no more.
Rin: How do you know? Holy shit, what is wrong with you?!?
Me: Rinoa, stop it. . .
(She was pretty gone by then, flying off the handle. I think there was something underneath it all that she didn't wanna tell me.)
Rin: No! You sit down and listen to me. ( I sat promptly) You can't sit there and tell me that you're all right about this. You can't just be in love with someone then not. It doesn't work like that, Irvine. She thought you were dead- maybe she's suffering from some post-traumatic amnesia complex or something. Tell her.
Me: No. (I stood up- I was hurting real bad by now.) She doesn't want me. I just know. She'd feel it- underneath all that suppression or whatnot. Besides. . .I'm over that girl. I got a new prospect. . .
Rin:You're ridiculous- nothing is resolved between the two of you, Irvine Kinneas. Something bad is going to come from this. . .
Me: And who made you a goddamn prophet, miss Heartilly? I-don't-want-to-deal-with-this! So leave me the fuck alone! This has NOTHING to do with you! Go ruin somebody's else's day, Rinoa!
(Yeah. . .I was pretty mean. She just stared at me.)
Rin: . . .you don't know what you want, Irvine. And there's something in there. . .something you don't want to surface, something you're hiding really deep inside of you.
-What happened in Trabia?
(I just pushed her away and found a room to sulk in. Not really my style, but it's all pretty hard to deal with.
I knew she was right- Quisty had a right to know.
But I wasn't a brave enough man to take another rejection.
And I was finally strong enough to move on without her.
But Rinoa brought up another interesting subject-
What DID happen in Trabia?
And why didn't I remember?
So that's where I am right now- thinking 'bout everything. Tomorrow we're on our way to meet up with Matron and Seifer. I wonder what's gonna happen? And now I'm wondering' what did happen.
I'm pretty fucked up, eh?
Out.
June 22, 2000
I hope I never have to do that again.
I've sunk down to a new low.
We took on Galbadia Garden- yeah, my home. My mother garden, who raised me and sheltered me and all that good stuff.
And my friends- I watched them go down. Friends on both sides. I vomited like a coward. Squall gave me one of them looks.
I saw Xu run one of my classmates through. He looked right at me.
Right at me and then he died.
She walked away like an automaton.
She's fucking heartless without Lukan.
I caught Hunter's eye as we were running through the field. I saluted him- he was, after all, a higher rank than me. He nodded curtly and slashed at one of the Trepies, knocking him to the ground. He was hurtin'- all he'd ever wanted to be was a SeeD and now he was fighting against his envisioned future self.
Makes you think. . .
I looked all over for Seif, but he wasn't on the field. Most likely he was with matron- protecting her. From what. . .from us? Not bloody likely. I'm not sure though. . .
Galbadia Garden was like a prison now- I swear I've never been scared- er. We went through the arena and my old hockey team came after us! I mean. . .hell- I was so fucking confused. I wish Squall hadn't asked me to be in the front lines with him and Quisty. . .
We battled it up with Cerberus- damn thing really has it in for me. In fact- I think all the GFs hate me. I mean, a couple of them tolerate me (like those fucking brothers- hyne I hate havin' those buggers in my head. . .) but most of them just don't like being junctioned to me.
That's fine by me, though.
But, after Cerberus attacked us we went looking for our deaths.
Matron.
She was waiting for us. She and Seif up in Martine's old office (which was looking pretty spooky. . .) We beat the hell outta Seif- I'm always impressed that, no matter how berserked Squall gets and how powerful he is, he always spares Seifer's life. Zell said that he's always been like that- they're a real yin yang combo, those two. But I'm glad-
'cause Seifer's still our brother.
Matron descended into the auditorium. I hated that auditorium- it was where them arrogant beaurocrats decided Mama Red's fate. Quisty said that that was where she started hearing her voices.
Come ta think of it. . .That was where I started to hear Matron's voice too.
And my mama's voice. . .or whatever that voice was. I'm not sure.
But there we were- Squall was on one side of me, gunblade drawn, eyes all slitty. Quisty was on the other side, her face expressionless and her magic ready.
I wonder why she never used her blue magic. I'll have to ask her about that.
But we did it.
We almost killed matron.
Almost.
But somethin' really wonky happened then.
Everything went shifty and pink and we couldn't move. And then Rinoa started meandering all over the place and touched Seifer and then collapsed and. . .
Now. . .
Well. I don't really know what the hells going on.
Matron was talking crazy stuff.
About legendary SeeDs and junk. Then she was talking about protecting Ellone.
I'll have to stuff all this away for later. When I can actually put two and two together.
But right now. . .we have to worry about Rinny.
And Matron.
And ourselves, I suppose. . .
Kinneas Out.
June 29
We're off to Esthar to save Rinny.
She comatose or something.
Schizophrenic Squall decided to try and take her there all on his own. He's a quirky guy, y'know?
We managed to catch up to him though and we've just reached this lake thingy.
Oh. . .and Matron's joined up with us.
Did I say that?
Yeah, Matron's good and back to her old self. . . Well, she still looks all evil and sorceress-y.
When we made camp tonight she came over and apologized to me and said that, once all of this was done we needed to talk about. . .issues. I'm not quite sure what she's referring to.
But I'm glad she's back. I gave her a hug tonight.
I did miss her, y'know. . .
Quisty gave me a funny look, but it didn't matter. I was just glad to get my Mama back.
Things are starting to make a lot more sense around here too. I know everyone (especially me) was pretty fucking confused about all of this.
But now. . .
I've got questions, but I've gotten answers too. . .
For the last ten months Matron wasn't matron. Her body had been over-run with this parasite named Ultimecia- a sorceress from the future. Matron couldn't remember what she'd been doing.
Squall decided that she needed to know.
So we did tell her- he did, and I filled in the gaps. I wanted to shoot him, but he was right- she needed to know. Needed to know why everyone on the main continent would hate her.
We're going to Esthar to find Ellone so she can help Rinoa. Honestly, I don't really understand Elle's power- she can take people into other people's memories. Squall's decided that he needs to go back to find out what happened to Rinny so he can help her. So we're off to get Elle.
Back to Esthar.
W. . .wait, "back" to Esthar?
I've never been to Esthar in my life.
Man. . .I'm going nuts.
But this Ultimecia. I think she's the one that was in Quisty's head- a sorceress from the future trying to get in contact with the blue sorceress. . .
The blue sorceress. . .fuck I need to talk to Quisty.
What happened in Trabia?
My Head HURTS!
Mebbe Seffie'll kiss it better. *wink wink*!
June 29 (later)
I know I already wrote in you today, but I just wanted to get this all down.
Quisty came over to talk to me today. Yeah, She came to Me. I had major flutterbies in my stomach, having her so close to me and all. I mean- I'm real happy with the way me and Seffie are turning out, but Quisty is. . .was. . .my girl. In my mind, she's been mine forever.
So she sat herself down and looked at me. And talked.
Quisty: Irvine. . .who's Rose Laurentide?
Well. . .that just jumped up and bit me in the nose. Mama Red. . .Did Quisty remember.
Quisty: I'm sorry. . .I overheard a bit of your conversation with Matron and heard you say that you were sorry about Rose and. . .for some reason, I recall that name and. . .I can almost put a face to the name. Tell me- who is she?
I had to be real delicate about all this. Inside I was turning flips and summersaults and whatnot, but I had to maintain a certain composure or else I'd scare the behynes outta the poor girl.
Me: Rose Laurentide was a teacher at Galbadia garden. She taught me for many years. She was a friend of Martine's and taught strategy. Before that she was an officer in the Galbadian Army- the same corps as Laguna and those guys. But I think she was their superior. Most people knew her as Evana Botchaskya.
Quistis started at that. She recognized that name. Surely she'd remember something about the woman she considered her mentor. My Mama Red. . .
Quisty: I do recall an Instructor Botchaskya. I. . .knew her when I worked at Galbadia. She helped me when the Rexaur attacked me I. . .no, that can't be right. . .
Me: Sure she did, girl- her and Lukan helped you after you burnt that Rexaur to a crisp along with that assassin guy.
I think that came out wrong- maybe I just sounded too encouraging 'cause Quisty gave me the most curious look.
Quisty: Burnt the. . .Irvine, that Rexaur almost killed me. I was sent back to Balamb Garden in a stretcher, so there is no possible way I can remember people saving me. I was comatose for a month. . .
I was dumbfounded.
So was that all she remembered? That first week of school? What the hell was going on? No wonder she didn't remember me.
Quisty: An assassin. . .what are you babbling about, Mr. Kinneas? And. . .(she paused and studied me momentarily. Those flutterbies were starting a tornado in my stomach with all that incessant fluttering.) Wait. . .how did you know about that?
Time for my quick responses to launch into overdrive. I was very nonchalant. How the fuck was I supposed to react? Blurt or deny?
Me: Well. . I did go to the school, Miss Trepe. Everyone knew about it. Remember, you're a hero. From the missile crisis. . .
Quisty: Missile Crisis?
Shit. She didn't remember that either. Well, there was no harm in telling her about that was there?
Me: Yeah, remember? It was, like, your second day at East Garden. You and Mama Red took the senior class, minus me, to the missile base for a tour, which was really an opportunity for the army to use garden students for their grunt work. Half the class went to decode enemy messages and the other half were sent to the hangar to load up the missiles- as a drill. Well, one of the cranes broke and sent a missile tumbling. The impact would've blown up the base- which would've saved us a lotta grief, eh?- ouch, don't pinch!- anyway, just when things were looking their bleakest- people falling down here there and everywhere- you went into a limit break and cast that degenerator spell and the missiles disappeared into the cosmos. You were a hero. That's where all the Trepies came from. It started at Galbadia.
Quistis: The Trepies. . .I just thought they were suck ups. . .but. . .wow. No wonder Martine treats me the way he does. But. . .Irvine. . .I don't remember that. And yet. . .even though you weren't there, you remember it all. Hyne, these fucking GFs. Not that I don't love you. . .(she said that to her junctioned guardians, and rather quickly) But. . .I just wonder what else I've forgotten. With the Guardians and the injury and. . .(she stopped and stared hard at me again. I didn't like that look) So. . .I've met you before. Not only when we were at the orphanage- but at the school. Was I. . .your teacher?
(I was getting a little nervous. She was so confused but Quisty's always been so dang sharp! I shook my head)
Me: Naw- you taught one of Evana's tutorials- the one I wasn't in.
Quistis: But I knew you, right?
(I shrugged)
Me: Well. . .I guess just a little. Probably reputation alone, y'know? We didn't really talk that much. . .
(I'm a heel, yeah.)
Quisty: But I should remember you, shouldn't I?
(I didn't answer. Just shrugged. She raised an eyebrow.)
Quisty: Irvine-there's something you're not telling me.
(I was swearing a blue streak in my head. How the hell was I supposed to do this? I was scared shitless. . .)
Quisty:. . .hmm. . .I bet you did something bad didn't you? Were you as blatant in your flirting then as you are now? Did you get in trouble with me?
(I breathed a sigh of relief and caught the quip that was just on the tip of my tongue. Quick. . .lie. . .)
Me: Uh, yeah- well. . .you. . .uh. . (real smooth, eh?) caught me kissing this other cadet in the hall and (I finished in a joking tone) you were real jealous so you gave me a detention and stuff. . .ouch! (she pinched me but seemed to accept it. She was looking at me kinda funny though. . .)
Quisty: So. . .I should've remembered you, shouldn't I've?
Me:. . .Yeah.
Quisty: I'm sorry I didn't.
(She seemed real sincere and she smiled at me. I was just melting. . . but I didn't let on and I just shrugged.)
Me: 's'no big deal.
Quisty: Still. . . .(she trailed off.) Irvine. . .what happened to Evana? I remember something awful. . .
(I didn't think it would be respectful to lie about this)
Me: She. . .was charged with treason and was shot during a large brawl that erupted from the sentencing. You were there. You tried to save her. . .
Quisty: I. . .can't. . .believe. I wish I could remember.
(I stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. My eyes were all misty 'n stuff.)
Me: Believe me- you're kinda lucky not to remember it.
Quisty: Y. . .you were there, weren't you? You and. . .who else? Someone else I. . .
Me:. . .Seifer. Seif was there.
Quisty: Yes, Almasy was. . .Evana was Seifer's mother!
(Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I repeated the phrase. Was he really her son? Evana's? She'd given up a baby when she was young-like twenty- the math was right. .. but Seifer?!? )
Me: Are you sure 'bout that, hun?
Quisty: Yes. I remember, if nothing else, that Seifer is Evana's son. Kiros gave him a sword. . .(She remembered Kiros! She stopped.) Kiros. . .as in Laguna and Ward and Kiros? Where did that come from? I. . .oh hell, I don't know what I'm saying, Irvine. I'm sorry. My head's all. . cobwebby-y. I'll let you go.
I looked down at the girl- all confused 'n such and felt so bad, but, really, I was damn scared. All of this was taking a toll on my conscience. I wanted to tell her so bad. . .but I was such a coward.
I still am such a coward.
We're going to Esthar to find Sis and save Rinny. Maybe something in Esthar will help us sort this out.
July 1, 2000
I just saw another something that I never wanna see again.
Every thousand years it rains monsters from the sky- And I had to be alive to witness it! I have the worst fucking luck, y'know? But, after chasing that damned Lunatic around Esthar, it spit us out and called the monsters from the moon down on us. I dunno what's going on up there- whether Squall and Rinny and Quisty and Sis are alright.
Oh, and Laguna. He's up there too. He's the president, I know he is. . .and the actor from the Sorceress' Knight movies, but that's besides the point.
It was our job- Selphie, Zell and I- to take care of Matron, to make sure she didn't have a relapse or something.
Man- these monsters are ass-tough! And seeing them all fall to the ground like that. . .. brrr. . sends shivers down my spine just thinking 'bout it.
We don't know what's going on. We haven't received any word from the shuttle that launched from the satellite.
I have a bad feeling about all of this. Don't know what from. Just do.
I'm sure Quisty will take good care of Sis if Squally-boy has to play hero. Which he most certainly will have to do. . .not that it's Rinny's fault. It's actually kinda funny how all those rescuing opportunities emerge, despite her attempts at independence.
Oh, shit. Gotta go. Just got word that the shuttle landed. Booya!
. . .scratch that. I didn't just say booya.
Damned Tilmitt!
July 3, 2000
I guess I need to write this down. I'm still pretty numb.
Really numb.
I'll detail the events first.
Rinny went berserk in space (she is, after all, taken over by an evil sorceress. Yeah, you heard me right. . .) she let Adel loose, who was swallowed up by Lunatic Pandora. Then she launched herself into space when the lunar cry happened.
Squall went after her and saved her. (what a great guy! Who knew?) They found their way to a shuttle (Ragnarok, which had been overtaken by aliens) and managed to find their way back to earth. Meanwhile, Elle and Quisty and the gang came down and crash landed. While Quisty was knocked out, someone (Seifer perhaps?) had stolen Ellone. Quistis was really distraught. I tried to comfort her but she just glared and me and swatted me away.
Really cruelly.
So, we went to get Squall (who was moping his fool head off and ready to let Rinny rot in the Sorceress' memorial) and we burst in and rescued Rinny (in quite the dashing way, I might add. Squall even opened up enough to hug the poor girl. I think that's everything she needed, the brave, self-sacrificing soul that she's become.) But everything's fucked up now- Adel is back, Seifer has Ellone and Time is going to be kompressed.
Kompressed? What an accent! Why did that suddenly pop into my head? And why the hell do I feel so tingly when people keep talking about it? Like an old friend who's come to visit. I still don't know.
But. The plan's been laid out. We need to go to Lunatic Pandora, let the sorceress powers merge so Ultimecia can compress time, then Ellone will send us into that consciousness/dimension/metaphysical phenomenon that I don't understand so we can beat the snot outta Ultimecia.
So that's that. Now we're kind of at a resting point, hanging out on Ragnarok, which we've "borrowed" from Esthar. Laguna and his posse are loitering in the briefing room.
And. . .y'know. . .Squall DOES look like his father.
Yeah, Laguna- Ellone's adopted father- is Squall's real father.
He told me so himself, though he's pretty scared to tell Squall (who wouldn't be? Squall's not exactly personable (he hates Laguna) and he's so grumpy and surly and he's got that leather-muted-biker look to him- Hyne, I'd be scared too if I didn't know him so damned well.)
So Squall's not an orphan. Not like the rest of us. But finding out that tidbit did make me think. So I found my way into the hangar and sat my rump down on the dusty floor.
All I'd ever wanted was to find my family.
I was feeling better now- now that I had a matron and the orphanage gang and Rinny and Angelo and Laguna and them.
But I wanted to know who my real family was. My biological family. And the reasons behind their desertion.
I knew about Seifer's background now- Kiros told me. Evana had promised that knight Almasy that she'd give him a kid. He hadn't wanted to marry her, but he knew that he was gonna die. Something about the Viator line, I didn't really understand what that meant. . .
I also knew a little about Quisty. That her mother had been a knight too- Vesper Trepe. I didn't know anything about her father, and Kiros didn't either.
Zell had gotten over the shock and had accepted the Dichts as his family. I suppose I would've too, had I been issued (bitter?) a family. Martine had been a good chaperone, and Mama Red a motherly figure- Lukan had been a great brother, and Hunter and Astrid. . .I wondered where they'd all gone. The fight with Galbadia Garden- I hadn't heard anything from it. Hunter and Astrid could be dead and buried.
That hurt. My heart hurt.
I didn't have anyone.
Then. . .after I'd sat there feeling sorry for myself for at least an hour, there was a little rap on the door and it swooshed open.
Quisty: knock knock.
She smiled sadly at me. I didn't bother to try to hid what I'd been doing- I think it was pretty obvious to her. She's a smarty-pants, after all.
Quisty: Irvine. . .can I sit down?
I offered. She sat beside me and rubbed my arm. It felt real nice and it was just what I needed.
Quisty: Irvine, I'm sorry for snapping at you yesterday. You were just trying to be supportive, I know. I was really tired and emotional and I'm sorry I took it out on you.
(I smiled and squeezed her knee.)
Me: s'no big deal, babe. (Well. . .it had been, kinda) I hope you didn't stew over it too much. . .(I winked at her. She seemed relieved. . .but still really edgy. She was wringing her hands and everything.) Quisty? Don't worry about it girl, it wasn't anything. . .
Quisty: I know. (she cut me off) I'm sorry. I. . .don't know what's wrong. I know I'm acting really awkward- I'm sor. . .
Me: (cutting her off) Stop apologizing. Is there something wrong? Do you wanna talk about something?
There was a big old pregnant pause. She was just staring at her hands. It was all so weird. After a moment, I decided to take the initiative and slowly reached down and pulled her chin up so I could meet her eyes.
They were just full of tears. A couple spilled down her cheeks and hit my thumb. I hadn't seen this girl cry in a long time.
And she definitely needed to cry from time to time. I knew that about Quistis Trepe. Her lip was trembling, and she bit it hard to cease its quivering.
Quisty: Irvine. . .I'm sorry.
It was a whisper- real soft and delicate and it just broke my heart. I brushed the tears from her cheek- hyne, her skin's soft. But, just as soon as I touched her, more streams fell from her shining eyes.
When that girl cries, her eyes- all blue and shimmering and wet- really look like water. It's like looking into a crystal-clear lake in the summer. I hate to revel in her misery, but it's sure beautiful to look into them.
Me: Hun, I told'ya to stop apologizing. Now, what's wrong. . .
She just kept repeating that she was sorry and the tears kept falling. I didn't know what was going on, so I put my arms around her and just held her, blocking out all the past and the times we'd held each other.
Quistis Trepe was one of my best friends and I had no right to be thinking those thoughts anymore. Especially since Seffie and I were now officially romantically entangled.
So I held the girl and let her wipe her eyes on my favorite purple shirt.
We were there for awhile, and when she finally emerged to breathe, I still saw big tears in her eyes.
Then she stared at me as though she'd never seen me before. As though I were some wondrous thing. She pushed my hair back from my face.
Then. . .before I knew it, she was kissing me.
Lips on lips, hungry tongue- all of it.
Only a month ago I would've taken her right there.
Even two weeks ago. . .
I pulled away gently. I expected to see embarrassment flushed across her cheeks.
But it wasn't. She was just sad. She looked back at her hands.
Quisty: On the shuttle. . .after Squall left to get Rinoa I. . .I just kept remembering our discussion about Evana and Seifer and Galbadia and I was so confused so. . .I asked Ellone. . .(she paused, her breath hitched. I just froze) I. . .asked her. . ..if. . it was possible. . .for her to take me back into my own past. So I could see it all.
She paused again and looked up at me. She was so sad. My heart was breaking all over again.
Quisty: And. . .it was. So she did.
A thick silence descended on us.
I. . .just wanted to die.
I knew she did too.
Quisty: So. . .I'm sorry. I. . .can't even imagine (She exploded into another sob. Totally lost, I held her 'gainst me again.) Irvine- everything! I remember everything now! I remember the missile base and the rexaur and Lukan and Xu and Vigil and even the bite bugs! I remember Trabia and Selphie and Deling, but most of all, I remember you! Oh Irvine, I'm so sorry! So sorry. . .
(As much as it was all killing me, my mind latched onto one thing she said.)
Me: Quisty. . .you remember Trabia?
She was kinda taken aback, but she nodded.
Quisty: Y. . yes. Of course I do. Now. Unfortunately- but everything makes sense now. . .
Me: Quisty-girl- what happened in Trabia?! (I grabbed her shoulders.)
Quisty: What? You don't remember?
Me: No! I can't remember any of it! Tell me, girl!
I was kinda rough on her. I'll apologize later. But she still answered.
Quisty: I can't believe that you. . .of all people. . .(she shook her head and regained her composure. Taking my hands in hers she looked me directly in the eye.) Irvine. . .this- all of this- is our fault.
And then she told me. Everything. Every single thing she poured out of her came as a shock then filtered into my brain and took it's rightful spot in my gallery of memories. She revealed to me that, that one night, she'd stolen my magic from me via her blue sorceress powers. That spell, we now know, was the spell of time compression which a sorceress-most likely Ultimecia- bestowed upon me at the time of her death. Somehow she knew about my memory and knew that I would eventually be able to pass the spell onto Ultimecia in this time. The method? Quistis takes it from me because she has no control over her power and, later, is forced to give it back to Ultimecia when she passed into Edea's body. How did she pass into Edea's body? For some reason, Ultimecia could lock her psyche onto Quistis and sent her consciousness through time (or something, not quite sure) and lived as a parasite through Quistis, while at the same time Edea was doing the same. Matron had known that it was going to happen, so she was trying to force Ultimecia out of Quistis, but instead, was overcome by the other sorceress' power. So both of their consciousness' lived in Quisty. So when Quisty came into contact with Matron, Ultimecia was able to return to Matron's body with Matron's consciousness, while, at the same time, manipulating Quistis' powers in order to give Matron's body enough power to wake up and take in the final coup de grace- the spell of time kompression she stole from me. Ultimecia also had her grubby psyche putting ideas in Deling's mind , so she could manipulate OUR world as much as she liked. We had been pawns to her and our trip to Trabia was just the final stage. Martine had been replaced with the Gerogero we thought we'd killed, who had really played us for fools during the vigil/tiamat crises. Deling had also sent assassins to kill Quisty, dressed similarly to the SeeDs in the Trabian mountain complex, to confuse us into thinking the Trabians were soceritologists, when, really, they were part of the Aede Project. Which was. . .the sealing of Edea, obviously. So we took out the protectors and launched ourselves right into the trap. All of the blockades they'd put up fell because all of the keys were in place.
We gave Matron over to Ultimecia and we gave the Spell of Time Kompression over the demoness as well.
That's it.
Me: this is all our fault.
Quisty:. . .yes. Irvine, we have to tell everyone what happened!
Yeah, we should've, but I was focused on something else.
Me: Hey. . .you realize that this is all going to work out!
Quisty: W. . What?
Man, I'm brilliant.
Me: Quisty! Don't you see? Ultimecia died right in front of me! I don't know exactly what's going to happen, but she did just appear and die! We're gonna beat'er! We're gonna fix everything!
I couldn't control myself. I grabbed that girl and swung her around. She laughed a bit and hugged me back.
Quisty: Well. . .Irvine. Don't get too carried away, but that is a logical explanation, I suppose. (she giggled slightly. I guess I was getting a little wild. I put her down. We were both smiling, finally.) If and when we get out of this, we'll tell everything. But- it is still our fault. So we have to work especially hard for this. It's our responsibility.
I nodded. It was true. We had more reason to fight than anybody.
But at least we were both smiling.
Though that didn't last long. Her face fell again.
Quisty: Irvine. . .I. . .we still need to talk about. . .
Suddenly the door opened with a swoosh.
Perkyhappyfriendlyvoice: Well. . .spank me hard and call me a hot ass- I've finally found you two! The commander's in a jolly mood and has decided to bless us with a pep talk. Maybe this time he'll actually speak! C'mon! Don't wanna miss it! It'll prolly be over in a blink of an eye! C'mon!
Seffie. Shining, sunny, warm-hearted, devoted Selphie Tilmitt.
Quistis smiled at Selphie, who scampered away, her heels smoking. Quisty and I weren't so quick.
We exchanged a look.
It was obvious I had a decision to make.
My heart was torn and bleeding- it was supposed to pump the blood to the other parts of the body- to strengthen. I always followed my heart- it knew the rhythm of my life.
But that rhythm was syncopated and I was all outta time.
I followed my brain.
And I walked out the door, after my little sunshine.
Somewhere in Time
(last entry)
This is the moment of Truth.
We've come through Ultimecia's castle.
Time is compressed.
All other existences are finished. This is the only reality.
Fucked up, eh?
We had to split into two groups to get through this madhouse. And all these monsters! Insanely powerful, insanely.
Most of them are incarcerated Guardians.
And some. . .are old friends.
I never thought I'd see Tiamat again.
But, yeah, you guessed it. . .
We jumped on this bell thing, looking for the last Seal monster, and we came face to face with that god of doom.
I think Quistis screamed. I know I screamed. Squall swore and graced us with one of his more charming glares.
No. . .I was about ready to piss myself.
In the back of my mind I could hear Vigils' voice- I could see the dark flare looming and the gerogero- no Wynston's- mad cackling. Wyston had cast Tiamat on us, thinking Xu to be the Gerogero.
But. . Tiamat. I thought he was dead.
It loomed over us. Quistis cast aura on Squall. He was about ready to burst.
I pulled out Exeter and blasted the thing in the stomach. We had to do this quick.
Quisty: He's counting down!
Squall: Irvine- cast meltdown on him, now!
I started into the spell, but, suddenly, my mind went blank.
I stared at the hulking silver dragon. It was as if the thing were radiating, but. . .not from it's own essence. It was strange.
Squall: Irvine!
Me: I wanna draw.
I didn't know why I said it. But something was telling me to draw. Something was egging me on. . .begging me, really, to draw.
Squall: Irvine! What the fuck. . .?!?
Out of the corner of my eye I spied Quisty as she cast meltdown on the brute. Growling at me, Squall let his limit rip.
I didn't have the opportunity to draw.
The dragon died.
I heaved a breath and was greeted with a cuff in the back of the head. Squall glared and proceeded to the next rendez vous point. Quisty looked at me curiously.
Quistis: What happened back there?
Me: Dunno. . .my mind went all blank and something just kept telling me to draw instead. I'm not sure. . .
Quistis: That's funny. . .I had a really strange feeling back there too and I almost lost my spells. There's lots of distractions. Back there at those paintings- Cerberus was insisting that I study them. He even suggested I take them! This place is affecting everyone- even the Guardians. Well- we shouldn't worry about it now. Our main objective is well within our grasp.
I followed her to the meeting spot, still kinda baffled.
Now. . .we're just taking a moment to fix our junctions and stuff. After all the trials and hardships, here we are- the skyway leading to Ultimecia's thrown room. We've all been fighting like, I think, real heroes. Boy have we come a long way! Everyone's grown up- grown stronger, smarter, especially wiser. I really do love these people. I glance over a Seffie- she's checking the bottom of her boots, as she does- it's really pretty adorable.
I look at Zell- fixing his gloves, then throwing a couple air-punches- almost beating his shadow.
Squall and I exchange nods. It's no hug, but he and I have come to a great understanding. I'm not sure if anyone else understands, and I'm not sure why I understand him as well as I do either. But I do, and he's accepted me.
Which, as I've already implied, gives me a lot of strength.
I grin at Rin, who's breathing deeply and centering herself. I've learned that sorceresses have to do that so they can control their magic. Guess who else's been doing it?
Flicking her hair from her eye, Quistis winks at me and snaps her whip. I return the wink and offer her my ass as a target. She laughs and pretends to whip me, but, really, she never would- not with that whip! Maybe if she got her chain one back. But Marlboro tentacles on the butt would not be pleasant. Not even to a ruthless masochist like myself.
Do I understand Miss Trepe and my relationship as of this moment?
Hyne no. I don't think she understands either.
But, fighting alongside each other, knowing that we can rely on each other for anything-loyal even in death- gives us the strength to fight.
We will win. Not because it's already happened for us.
But because. . .
We will.
So now. . .If I die. . .at least this will live on, in some time, somewhere. I'll just leave it here, outside the throne room.
Irvine Kinneas,
July 2000.