The Adventures of Reanna and Akio
Part five: "Boo Hiss! Banzai! A Melodramatic Adventure!"
Production notes: I'd like to thank "Caro-chan" (read her stories on Fanfiction. They're good) for a line in this story she wishes me not to disclose. I'm just giving her credit, also for lending me the Escaflowne CDs I listened to while I wrote this. After the complete insanity of part four, I'm offering something halfway intelligent in this next part. However, as most of my insanity fics are, this story is very silly… I was hyper on Easter candy most of the time. Uh… also, eventually, Touga and Saionji, later in this story, develop a "Sergeant MacGuffin" way of insulting each other (If you haven't read Wishbringer, you had better; you won't regret it), so I'd like to give a special thanks to Craig Shaw Gardner. I have a good idea of what may be to come in the next episode. Perhaps a Castaway-type thing. Wow… me and Akio on a desert island… kowai.
The cast: The Lovely Damsel: Reanna
The Dastardly Villain: Akio
The Chivalrous Heroine: Utena
The Justice-Loving Sheriff: Juri
The Sheriff's Faithful Steed: you'll see!
The Kindly General Store Owner: Miki
The General Store's Pretty Assistant: Anshi
NARRATOR: It had been three months since Reanna, the Lovely Damsel—
AUDIENCE: (wolf whistle)
REANNA: Hey!
NARRATOR: --had started work at Kaoru's General Store, and she was just as happy as Spam.
REANNA: (as she sweeps the floor in her dress) That's clam! Happy as a clam! And what am I doing wearing this dress! The bust-line is way too low!
NARRATOR: It's your costume. Deal with it.
REANNA: (putting the broom down) Hey! Isn't this MY story?
MIKI: Reanna?
REANNA: Hai hai?
MIKI: Would you please stop arguing with the narrator and bring these groceries over to Juri, the Justice-Loving Sheriff? (he holds up a bag of groceries, then clicks his old-fashioned pocket watch)
REANNA: Sure! (she takes the package and heads out the door)
NARRATOR: (once REANNA is outside) Little did Reanna, the Lovely Damsel—
AUDIENCE: (wolf whistle)
REANNA: I said STOPPIT!
NARRATOR: -- know what, and who was waiting for her. (scary music)
REANNA: What? What do you mean? Are you trying to develop dramatic irony here or something, because I don't like it. You tell me what's going on right now.
NARRATOR: No.
REANNA: Yes! It's my story and I deserve to know what happens in it!
NARRATOR: Bite me.
REANNA: Why, you insolent… you tell me right now or you'll never narrate one of my fanfics again!
NARRATOR: There's no way I'm telling you. I wanna see you get kidnapped by the Dastardly Villain.
REANNA: NANI???!!!! There's a Dastardly Villain in this story? I'm going back to the General Store.
DASTARDLY VILLAIN: (evil laugh) Mwa haha… it's far too late for that!!
REANNA: (melodramatically) No! You're…
(The DASTARDLY VILLAIN steps out of the shadows to reveal AKIO, looking as he normally does, but wearing a lopsided black top hat and a black cape and wearing a weird handlebar mustache)
AKIO: (running a hand through Reanna's hair) I have something to ask you, my precious…
REANNA: (terrified) … W… what?
AKIO: … … Who the hell decided to give me this handlebar mustache? It really doesn't suit me! (he rips it off, but another one pops out in its place)
NARRATOR: AHEM! Yes, it was Akio, the Dastardly Villain!
AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!
AKIO: Wha… Hey, where's that booing coming from?
REANNA: Don't fight it. There's no way to stop it.
NARRATOR: Anyway, Reanna, the Lovely Damsel (wolf whistle from audience) was terrified and yet slightly aroused by the appearance of Akio, the Dastardly Villain. ("Boo, hiss" from audience)
REANNA: No I wasn't! Akio, did you mess with that script??
AKIO: (shrugs)… … Oh, that's right, I was supposed to kidnap you, wasn't I?
REANNA: (gasps overdramatically) No! Please!
(AKIO pulls out some rope)
REANNA: (making happy kitty face) Heehee… yay… (shakes her head) Er… I mean… No, get away from me!
AKIO: (laughs evilly)
(cut back to Kaoru's General Store)
NARRATOR: Back at Kaoru's General Store, Juri, the Justice-loving Sheriff—
AUDIENCE: Hi ho Silver!
NARRATOR: --has arrived just a little too late to save Reanna, the Lovely Damsel. (wolf whistle)
REANNA: (distantly) Cut it out!!
(JURI rides up to the store on a horse that looks suspiciously like two people in a horse costume)
FRONT END: Get your head out of my butt, Saionji!
BACK END: Get your BUTT off my HEAD, Touga!
JURI: Stop fighting, you two! We have a melodrama to act out!
(JURI enters the store)
MIKI: Well, how are you, Juri-sempai? You look as mad as wool in a vagina swap. (note from author: sorry. There just aren't many words that rhyme with china)
ANSHI: (while polishing counter) Miki, I believe that's "bull in a china shop."
MIKI: (blushes pure red) Oh. Sorry!
JURI: Er… that's okay. Anyway, I came in to tell you that Akio is on the loose again.
ANSHI: (gasps) You mean, Akio, as in Akio the Dastardly Villain?
JURI: The same. So I suggest you lock away your wives… and daughters… and sons… and pets… and livestock…
MIKI: Oh, dear… Reanna just went out to deliver you your groceries!
JURI: What?
MIKI: I said, Reanna just went out to deliver you your groceries!
JURI: No, I said "what?" as a rhetorical question, requiring no answer. I merely used it out of astonishment.
MIKI: (shrugs) Oh. Okay. I wonder if she ever made it to your place.
AKIO: She didn't!
(scary music)
NARRATOR: Who should show up there in the store but Akio, the Bastardly Villain,
AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!
AKIO: Hey! That's "Dastardly!" Right, Ri-chan? (chuckles evilly)
REANNA: Eep! Somebody help me!!
NARRATOR: -- accompanied by a tied and terrified Reanna! (the Lovely Damsel)
AUDIENCE: (wolf whistle)
REANNA: I mean it! Stop doing that! (to AKIO) And untie me right now!!
NARRATOR: Reanna (wolf whistle) struggled strenuously, but failed to free herself from the restrictive ropes!
REANNA: Will you shut up!
NARRATOR: But I'm practicing my alliteration!
REANNA: Then talk about something relevant! (AKIO stuffs a cloth in her mouth) MMmmpph mmmphh!! (a drop of blood flows from her nose)
AKIO: (turns to JURI, MIKI and ANSHI, holding up a gun) All of you! Get your pants down!… … er… I mean, get your hands up!
(all of them look confused, and then put their hands up)
AKIO: (points to MIKI) You! Give me all the money in that cash register!
MIKI: But… I thought you wanted me to put my hands up.
AKIO: You can put them down then.
(MIKI begins to put the money in a bag)
AKIO: Oh… and would you have any whipped cream?
ANSHI: What for?
(AKIO looks at REANNA and smirks)
REANNA: MMMPHHH MMMMM!!!!
ANSHI: No, Akio-san, but we have peanut butter.
AKIO: (thinks it over, then shrugs) Sure. I'll take that.
REANNA: (looks murderously at Anshi and manages to spit the cloth out) Thanks a lot!
ANSHI: (sweetly) Oh, you're welcome. Oh. And… Akio-san…
AKIO: Yes?
ANSHI: … … What's up with that crazy handlebar mustache?
AKIO: Er… uh… (he tries pulling it off again, but another one grows in its place, then shrugs and takes the peanut butter)
REANNA: Miki-chan, help me!!
MIKI: (holds up some papers) But, Reanna-sempai, it says right here in the script that you are to be kidnapped by Akio, the Dastardly Villain—
AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!
MIKI: --just before he holds up my store!
AKIO: Uh, Miki-kun, what does the script say next?
MIKI: Uh, let's see… (turns the page) It says that you are to get away with Reanna and the money and go back to your hideout.
AKIO: Oh, that's right! See ya later! (he turns and leaves the store)
REANNA: Miki-chan, help me! MIKI-CHAN!!!!
NARRATOR: Alas, Akio departed, the dastardly deed done, cautiously carrying the fettered female!
REANNA: Will you please CUT THAT OUT! And LET ME GOOOOO!!!
(cut back to interior of store)
MIKI: (still reading from the script and sounds like it) Oh no! This is horrible!
JURI: (grabs the script) Gimme that! (she throws it away) We have only one recourse! We must call Utena, the Chivalrous Heroine!
AUDIENCE: Banzai!
JURI: (looking around) What was that?
MIKI: Just ignore it. (he clicks his pocket watch)
JURI: Come on! We must go to my sheriff's office, where we can use the Rose Signal to summon Utena!
NARRATOR: And so Juri, the Justice-loving Sheriff—
AUDIENCE: Hi ho Silver!
NARRATOR: -- ran out and boarded her rusty speed!
JURI: That's "trusty steed!"
NARRATOR: Oh. Sorry.
TOUGA: (to SAIONJI) It's all you fault Akio got away, you stupid rear end!
SAIONJI: (to TOUGA) No, it's your fault, you moronic front end!
JURI: Stop arguing! (JURI hops onto them)
TOUGA and SAIONJI: OW!!!
JURI: Now! Back to the sheriff's office!
NARRATOR: And so, Juri, the Justice-Loving Sheriff (Hi ho Silver!) galloped back to the sheriff's office to activate the Rose Signal to summon Utena!
(JURI gallops off, followed by MIKI and ANSHI on their own horses)
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Akio (boo! Hiss!) had taken Reanna (wolf whistle) to his shady hideout, where she was becoming increasingly aroused by the situation—
REANNA: (tied to a chair) No I'm not!! … … Well… maybe a little… (to AKIO) Even so! I want you to let me go, right now!
AKIO: It's useless to struggle.
REANNA: Did the narrator give you that cheesy old line? What are you going to do with me anyway?
AKIO: (whispering in REANNA'S ear) Whatever I want.
REANNA: (turned on) Oh, WOW… I mean… You'll never get away with this!… … … Ick, did I just SAY that?
(AKIO kisses REANNA on the ear)
REANNA: (even as her nose bleeds) I'm not scared… my friends will save me! Eew, there's another cheesy line…
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back in town, Juri, the Justice-Loving Sheriff (Hi ho silver), Anshi, the General Store's Pretty Assistant, (Hai, hai!) and Miki, the Kindly General Store Owner (*kachi*) were gathered at the magnificent and marvelous Rose Signal, preparing to summon the Chivalrous Heroine, the mysterious Utena (Banzai!).
JURI: We can't summon Utena.
MIKI: Why not?
JURI: Akio stole a part necessary to make this machine work!
ANSHI: Oh. Well, I'm sure if we ask nicely, he'd give it back.
(mass facefault)
ANSHI: It's okay, I'll head on over to his hideout and get it back.
TOUGA: It's your fault Akio stole that part!
SAIONJI: It's your fault Reanna was kidnapped!
TOUGA: Idiot!
SAIONJI: Baka!
TOUGA: Moron!
SAIONJI: Numbskull!
TOUGA: Simpleton!
SAIONJI: Clod!
TOUGA: Jerk!
SAIONJI: Yeast infection!
TOUGA: Lime Jell-O!
SAIONJI: Wombat feces!
TOUGA: Politician!
SAIONJI: Ooh, now that was low…
ANSHI: Now, now, Horsey, stop arguing with yourself so you can take me to Akio's hideout! (she hops on and rides dramatically to the horizon, with TOUGA and SAIONJI still arguing)
TOUGA: Hairball!
SAIONJI: Ingrown toenail!
TOUGA: Gastropod!
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, back at Akio's (Boo! Hiss!) shady hideout, Reanna (catcalls) was still sitting, firmly fastened to the silven seat!
REANNA: Please… I can't take much more cheesy alliteration!
NARRATOR: Heehee… I have a captive congregation! A averse audience!
REANNA: (crying Sailor Moon type tears) Stop it!!!!
NARRATOR: Just when the disgusted damsel thought she could stand no more, she head voices from outside her prison!
TOUGA: Foot fungus!
SAIONJI: Tooth decay!
REANNA: Is someone there? Somebody, please help me!
ANSHI: It's me, Reanna-sempai!
REANNA: Anshi!! Please, come in here and save me!
ANSHI: Reanna-sempai? Do you see anything that looks like a machine part in there?
REANNA: (looks around) Why, yes, on the table in front of me!
ANSHI: Wonderful! (ANSHI enters to the sound of TOUGA and SAIONJI still insulting each other)
REANNA: Anshi! I'm so happy you came to rescue me!
ANSHI: (picking up the machine part) Actually, I just came to get this machine part so we can summon Utena-sama, the Chivalrous Heroine (Banzai!) so she can save you!
REANNA: Anshi… why can't you just untie me?
ANSHI: Well, because Miss Juri (Hi ho Silver!) said that she was going to summon Utena-sama to save you.
REANNA: (struggles) Anshi, just untie me, that's all it takes!
ANSHI: Don't worry, Miss Reanna! Utena-sama will be along soon!
REANNA: (as ANSHI leaves) I'm never gonna get out of here…
(cut to exterior of AKIO'S shady hideout)
ANSHI: (getting on TOUGA and SAIONJI) Let's get back to the town!
TOUGA: (as they gallop off) Halitosis!
SAIONJI: Cellulose!
NARRATOR: Before long, Anshi (Hai, hai!) returned to the town with the machine part!
TOUGA: Eczema!
SAIONJI: Bladder blockage!
TOUGA: Hallucinogen!
SAIONJI: Licorice jellybean!
ANSHI: Look, everyone! I have the machine part!
MIKI: Anshi, that's wonderful! Now we can summon Utena! (Banzai!)
JURI: Here. I'll take that. (JURI takes the part and fits it into the machine and turns it on)
(The machine begins humming, then projects a picture of the Rose Signet onto the sky, at the same time playing the Shoujo Kakumei Overture at an unbearable volume)
UTENA: Hai, hai, I'm coming!
(UTENA walks out of a tavern, not ten feet away. Everyone facefaults)
UTENA: What's wrong?
MIKI: Utena-sempai, Akio robbed my store and kidnapped Reanna!
UTENA: How horrible! Well, I must go rescue her! (she turns to JURI) May I borrow your horse?
JURI: Sure.
TOUGA: Shikima!
SAIONJI: Stupidy-stupid head!
TOUGA: Volkswagon!
SAIONJI: Cumwad!
JURI: Hey! HEY! Ahem. Readers, on behalf of the author and the characters, I would like to apologize for what Saionji just said. Thank you.
(UTENA jumps on TOUGA and SAIONJI and rides off onto the distance)
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Reanna, the Lovely Damsel (catcalls and wolf whistles) found herself in a foreboding fix, being tightly tied to a set of railroad tracks! Will our hardy heroine be able to free this frightened female?
REANNA: I don't think I can stand that narrator anymore!
(REANNA is being tied to the tracks in a very unconventional way. With her hands tied above her head on one tie, and her feet tied to separate rails…)
AKIO: Ri-chan, have you ever been tied to railroad tracks before?
REANNA: No…
AKIO: Do you know why I'm doing this?
REANNA: So I'll get run over by an oncoming train?
AKIO: (laughs) No, of course not! What kind of devil do you think I am?
REANNA: Then… why?
AKIO: Well, to tell you the truth… I've always wondered what it would be like to have sex on railroad tracks.
REANNA: … … … SCREEEAAAAAAAAMMMMM!!!!!!… … I was wondering why I'm not wearing anything.
AKIO: See? There's a reasonable explanation for everything.
REANNA: (shrugs in her ropes and nods)
(Suddenly, UTENA leaps onto AKIO and starts beating him up)
REANNA: Ow… I almost feel sorry for him.
NARRATOR: Before long, the vicious villain was lying lethargically on the grassy ground!
REANNA: **whine…**
UTENA: Reanna-sempai, I've come to save you!
REANNA: Utena! My hero! Ugh, did I just say that??
JURI: No! I will save Reanna-sempai!
REANNA: Well, just as long as one of you saves me, I don't care…
AKIO: Curses… foiled… again…
REANNA: Would someone untie me?
TOUGA: Bubonic plague!
SAIONJI: Ignoramus!
UTENA: I shall be the one to rescue Reanna! After all, I'm the Chivalrous Heroine!
JURI: But I am the Justice-Loving Sheriff! I will save Reanna!
REANNA: Save me!
(AKIO has meanwhile crept back over to REANNA with the jar of peanut butter)
REANNA: EEEEWWWW!! Get away from meeee!! Oooh, that's nice… uh, I mean, EEEEEEEKKK! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!!
NARRATOR: Suddenly, what should appear but a looming locomotive! Can our dependent damsel get out of this perilous pickle?
REANNA: Uh guys, you may want to hurry up, a train's coming…
TOUGA: Brain tumor!
SAIONJI: Gym teacher!
UTENA: I know how we'll determine who will save Reanna?
JURI: How?
REANNA: Uh… please, hurry up?
JURI: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors…
REANNA: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME?!
UTENA: (bending down) Yeesh, Reanna! Be patient! It's not like you're the center of the universe or anything!
JURI: Yeah! You gotta be considerate and start thinking about someone other than yourself!
(JURI stuffs a gag in REANNA'S mouth)
REANNA: MMMM!!! MMMMPPPHHH!!
UTENA: Ah. Better.
JURI: Much better. Now, where were we? Ah yes…
REANNA: mmmmppphhhh…
NARRATOR: The terrible train is briskly bearing down on Reanna, the Lovely and Very Very Terrified and Very Very Naked Damsel!
REANNA: (angrily) MMMMPPPPHHHH!!!!!
MIKI: Reanna! Reanna, are you rescued yet?
REANNA: (overjoyed) MMpph!!
NARRATOR: Yes, Miki, that sweet seventh-grader had come to check on how the rescue was turning out, accompanied by an anxious Anshi!
ANSHI: Reanna-sempai, why are you tied to those railroad tracks? You could get hurt!
REANNA: MMMPPPHH!! (translation: "No kidding!")
MIKI: Reanna, you'll have to speak up. I can't understand what you're saying.
REANNA: MM MM MM MMMMPPPHHH!!!
(REANNA looks down the tracks to see the train coming ever closer to her and begins thrashing harder to get free)
UTENA: Reanna is mine!
JURI: I'll be the hero this time, Utena!
TOUGA: Hangnail!
SAIONJI: Booger!
TOUGA: Prostrate cancer!
MIKI: Reanna, you really need to improve your diction and stop mumbling.
ANSHI: And get up off those railroad tracks before something happens.
(TOO LATE! The train bears down on them and…)
I was startled awake by Akio shaking my shoulder. "NOOO!!!"
Akio smirked. "Something wrong? Did you have a scary dream?"
"Y.. yes, I did! And you were there… and Utena was there… and Miki, and Anshi…"
Akio smiled. "Ah, that's nice. Anyway, we're almost to the theater. I think you'll enjoy this. I bought tickets to one of those cheesy musical melodramas. It's called, "Nurses! Foiled Again!" I think it'll really be fun!"
"Wh… what?"
"I know, I know, I come up with all the best ideas…"
I looked at Akio for the first time since I had woken up. I screamed… and fainted.
"Hmm. I wonder what's wrong with her!" Akio murmured, pulling at his handlebar mustache thoughtfully.
TO BE CONTINUED…