"A SELF-INSERTION IS NOT A TOY"
by Reanna King
a song parody based on "A Secretary is Not a Toy" from the musical "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying"
I decided to go off on a bit of a tangent from the normal TEAORAA continuity to present to you a song parody I whipped up last night that I think you'll enjoy. Most of you won't know the song, but I think you'll find it amusing just the same. Okay, here we go.
(We see AKIO obviously preparing something HENTAI-- he's gathered CHI-CHI and CHA-CHA, two hundred feet of rope, a webcam, a tray of ice cubes, two rolls of duct tape, a beach ball, a set of golf clubs, a German flag, three dozen eggs and a small dog)
(UTENA, ANTHY, TOUGA, SAIONJI, JURI and MIKI approach him)
UTENA: Akio-san! We find your treatment of Reanna-sempai unacceptable!
AKIO: Sou ka?
JURI: Yes. We think that if you can't treat her like a gentleman should, you should leave her alone.
AKIO: Really. (smiles) Do go on.
MIKI: Minna-san! (he once again commands everyone's attention) Minna-san!
(singing) A self-insertion is not a toy
No, my boy
Not a toy
To grope and to grapple
And casually sample
To peruse, abuse and annoy,
No, a self-insertion is not
Definitely not
A toy!
(REANNA wanders in and pokes AKIO in the chest)
REANNA: That's right! From now on, treat me respectfully!
AKIO: (running a hand through her hair) Oh... of course...
REANNA: I mean it, Akio! You better treat me like a person!
(TOUGA and SAIONJI nod in agreement)
TOUGA and SAIONJI: A self-insertion is not a toy
No, my boy
Not a toy
She's not there for you to enjoy
Boy, you absolutely must not
Go touching her on her twat (REANNA looks down and blushes)
A self-insertion is not
A toy!
(AKIO seems not to be listening. He's putting batteries into an unidentifiable sex toy. REANNA grabs it away and bashes it over his head)
REANNA: My undergarments should be completely
Ohtori Akio-free!
(AKIO has taken a length of rope out and is rolling it into a neat loop, but JURI swipes it)
ALL: Don't snare her with some evil ploy
Boy, remember, don't be a snot
Don't try to get her all hot
A self-insertion is not
A toy!
ALL: She's a highly talented key
Creator of humorous continuity
A highly sensitive self-insertion
Not blessed with sexual immunity
MEN: (ex. AKIO) Coming on to her is not a sport!
AKIO: You'll find lots of enjoyment inside of her shorts!
(AKIO endeavors to prove this but is slapped by REANNA)
REANNA: A self-insertion is not a pet
Nor an erector set (she takes his copy of the Kama Sutra)
ALL: Her pride's not for you to destroy
Boy, remember, no matter what
Just stay away from her slot
A self-insertion is not
A toy!
MEN: (ex. AKIO) (in a barbershop style of singing)
Remember, there's no excuse
For self-insertion abuse!
AKIO: You'll be damned if anyone catches you
Drinking her juice!
(REANNA gasps and kicks AKIO in the area, then slaps him again)
REANNA: A self-insertion is not a thing
To serve your ding-a-ling
(AKIO tosses CHI-CHI and CHA-CHA her way, but she sends them into orbit with a baseball bat)
My bra and my undies
Are not homes for monkeys
If that's who you plan to employ
NO!
ALL: A self-insertion is not
Is definitely not
Is not your slave and whatnot
Like it or not!
Although the girl seems coy
Remember this, my boy
A self-insertion is not
A tinker toy!
(AKIO ponders this)
AKIO: Okay, okay. From now on, I'll treat Ri-chan in a completely chaste manner.
REANNA: (relieved) Thank you.
(Suddenly, her eyes go wide and she starts screaming and jerking and writhing around, etc.)
AKIO: (smirks) I just wish I could speak for my pets.
REANNA: (moaning) Help me...