Akane the Suicidal
"ARE YOU TOTALLY INSANE?!?" Akane screeched at the old man, before giving a quick glance down to the cage they were standing on.
Happosai's eyes overflowed with tears, "But Akane-chan, think of the art."
"I'M THINKING OF MY *LIFE* HERE!!!" the raven-haired girl screamed out, taking careful steps back to gain some distance between her and her unwanted master, "THERE IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, *NO WAY* THAT I WILL *EVER* EVEN CONSIDER TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING *THIS* MORONIC AS *LONG* AS I BREATH!!!"
Happosai dug into his ear, and knew that Akane would be breathing for a long time; she definitely had a healthy set of lungs. With a sigh, Happosai sat down in lotus position upon the crate of meat he had brought with them. He pulled out his pipe, and began to smoke it, while taking things into consideration.
"Akane-chan," the ancient martial arts master began, using his solumn instructor's tone, "I'm afraid that we've reached an obstacle in your training that must be addressed, lest your skills plateu to where they currently are."
"ACK!!!" Akane jumped away from the orange and black striped paw that attempted to claw off her leg; she was really hoping they couldn't jump that high, "Plateu, Icanlivewiththat!"
Happosai sighed again, and emptied out his pipe, incidentally searing the paw of one of the near starving monsters, as it attempted to take a swipe at him and the crate of sweet smelling meat. "As your master, it sorrows me that you're so willing to be simply average. You have a lot of potential in you, but we can't even begin to tap it with your irrational fear."
"IRRATIONAL IS TRYING TO TIE BUFFALO STEAKS TO ME AND THROWING ME INTO A PIT OF STARVING TIGERS AT THE ZOO!!!"
"Fortunately," Happosai continued, as if not hearing his student's protest, "I know of a way to resolve this little dilemma!"
"By GETTING DOWN FROM HERE?!?" Akane screamed again, and leapt onto the crate with Happosai.
"Akane, stop screaming, you're upsetting the tigers," Happosai commanded, before jumping onto Akane's shoulder. "Behold, the 'Couragious Heart's Shiatsu Point! With this, even the most harrowing fear can be confronted with confidence. Bullies will bow before you, natural disasters will not faze you. Tax collectors will become impotent before your unwavering determination!"
"SURE, WHATEVER, JUST MAKE *THEM* GO AWAY!!!" Akane pointed down at the cage, where the tigers had begun forming a pyramid, standing on each other's backs, in their attempt to successfully reach their nourishment.
"Hey! Can you guys balance on a ball?" Happosai enquired. One of the tigers that hadn't joined the tiger pyramid rolled out a large ball, and began to demonstrate its specactular talent. "Wow, look at'em go!"
"HAPPOSAI!!!" Akane attempted to warn her elder, as the final three Tigers were climbing on the others to complete the formation.
"Oh, sorry, got off track there," Happosai replied, chagrinned, "Now, if you would hold still for a moment..."
Akane was frozen with fear.
"That's the spirit!" the old martial arts master crowed, as he poked Akane at a point just left of the base of her skull. "There, did you feel anything?"
Akane shook her head, continuing to look down at the hungry large cats. Their pyramid fell short of the height they needed, and began disassembling.
"Hmm, mebbe I didn't press it right," Happosai poked Akane again at the same point with a bit more pressure, "How about now?"
"I don't see how poking me in the neck's going to do anything!" the youngest Tendou growled back, watching the tigers now go into a huddle. Occasionally, one would look up at them from the huddle, then turn its head back in. For a bit of variation, one would sometimes look at them, and snicker, or one would lick its lips, before returning to plotting.
"Dag blast it! I knew I did it right, that time!" Happosai huffed out, as he poked her again, "Feel any different, now?"
"No!" Akane replied, a bit impatiently. Several of the tigers rolled out large balls, similar to the one one of them was balancing on.
Happosai began to grow fustrated, himself, as he rapidly jabbed his finger into the base of Akane's skull. After several hundred times, he pulled out a shiatsu chart he had with him, checked over it to make sure he was right. He nodded as it confirmed that he was doing everything correctly, and began jabbing Akane again as fast as he could.
The tigers in the cage now formed a pyramid; each one of the standing on their hind legs, on each other's shoulders, while the bottom four balanced on the balls they had brought out. The top one was now currently attempting to steady itself, before moving onto the second phase of their plan.
"Aw, screw it," Happosai huffed in irritation, as he jumped from Akane's shoulder, "I guess I'll just have to work the best I can with what I have..." His eyes turned glossy with tears, as he dropped to his knees, "Please, pleasepleasepleasepleaaaasssseeee, will you go through the Catfist training?"
Akane threw her hands up in fustration, "Alright, alright! Just cut that out, it's making me nervous!"
_________________________
"Akane went through the Catfist training like a champ," Happosai continued his narration, "but alas, it didn't seem to take. I suggested she play with them..."
_________________________
Akane giggled, running around in a clawed up gi that was only held together by the twine tieing the large steaks to her, as she ran from the ferocious tigers. Behind her, she dragged a line of twine for the large cats to chase.
_________________________
"...told her to tease them...
_________________________
"HEY! YOUR MOTHER WAS A ZEBRA!!!" Akane shouted at her captive audience of carnivores...
_________________________
"..try wrestling with them a little..."
_________________________
Akane raised the desperately mewing tiger up to the air, and then down onto the concrete cage floor in a spectactular body slam. The raven-haired girl then ran back and forth over the twitching tiger, before she brought up her elbow, rotating it at her shoulder, and performed a devistating elbow drop...
_________________________
"...even outright fighting them..."
_________________________
"HIYA! HA! HEEEEYA!!!" Akane laid into the beasts she was among with a fury that they had never seen before in a meal.
_________________________
"...I don't understand what went wrong," Happosai said with a depressed sigh, "I hoped that using larger cats would offset the age problem, but it just wouldn't take. I guess you couldn't get over the age problem, after all."
_________________________
The whole pride of tigers were plastered with their backs against the cage bars, standing on their hind legs, and staring fearfully at the demon creature that invaded their sanctuary, tricking them by smelling of delicious food in order to bring them a great deal of harm. With that, they vowed that they would become vegan vegitarians for the rest of their lives.
Akane stared back at them with a cute and puzzled expression, before turning back up to Happosai at the top of the cage, "What went wrong?"
_________________________
Akane knelt beside her old master, and patted him on the back, "Don't worry about it, Grandfather Happosai, you tried your best."
Ranma continued to stare at the two with a mixture of incredulous disgust and surreal disbelievement. "Th-There's someone even more idiotic than Pops..." he mumbled to himself.
"Thanks, Akane-chan," the old letch replied, gratefully. He perked up, when he started to continue his story, "Although, after the failed Catfist training, Akane-chan threw herself into her training like a student possessed. Even if she didn't learn the Catfist, she grew to ten times the martial artist she would have been."
"Th-thanks, Master Happosai," Akane replied, blushing at the compliment.
"Unfortunately, after just a few months, that traiterous father of hers and her sisters pulled a sneaky trap on me!"
_________________________
"HOTCHA!" Happosai exclaimed, as he leapt into the barrel seemingly full of bras. "ACK!!!"
Before the ancient letch could realize the trickery, Soun slammed the lid on the barrel containing Happosai, bras worn by transvestite men, and several pairs of dirty men's underwear donated by the overweight sweaty men's weightlifting circuit, while Kasumi held the nails in place for Nabiki to hammer them down, sealing the old pervert in.
They then backed away quickly, as a cement truck backed up upon the barrel, and unloaded it's contents. Kasumi, Nabiki, and Soun worked to shape the quick drying cement around the barrel, before they lifted it up, and deposited on the back of a truck.
A caucasion man in a finely cut business suit jogged up to them, shook their hands, and told them that as the French ambassador to Japan, he relayed that France was grateful for their assistance in nabbing the notorious lingerie theif of 1842. He jogged back to the passenger side of the truck, and hopped in. The engine started, taking Happosai from the lives of the Tendous.
All three waved a tearful goodbye, Kasumi even dabbing her eyes with her hankerchief. Later on that day, the Tendous, including a slightly depressed Akane, watched the live broadcast of the French nuclear testing in the Indian Ocean.
_________________________
"THOSE JERKS!" Akane seethed, "They told me you died in a freak training accident! I was so upset when I heard you died!"
Once again, Akane was about to break into a fit of tears. "It's okay, Akane-chan, though I could use a good hug myself, right now.
Akane gave a faint smile, as she threw her arms open wide. The old letch suddenly spun on Ranma, flinging the contents of a flask at hi-... er... her. "OH MAMMA!"
"SHRIVEL UP AND DRY DEAD, YOU OLD FREAK!" Ranma-chan screamed out, as her ax-kick sent the old master sailing over the horizon.
"I JUST WANTED A LITTLE COMFORT MY RanMa-chaaannnnnnnnnnnnn*" Happosai's voice faded into the distance.
"HEY! QUIT PICKING ON MASTER HAPPOSAI!" Akane commanded, before she was suddenly grabbed around the waist, and carried to the rooftops, "Hey! LEMME GO!"
"That doc friend of yours, he knows shiatsu points, right?"
Blinking at the question, Akane nodded, "He's one of the best, I think."
Ranma grunted, heading straight for Dr. Tofu's clinic.
"ARE YOU TOTALLY INSANE?!?" Akane screeched at the old man, before giving a quick glance down to the cage they were standing on.
Happosai's eyes overflowed with tears, "But Akane-chan, think of the art."
"I'M THINKING OF MY *LIFE* HERE!!!" the raven-haired girl screamed out, taking careful steps back to gain some distance between her and her unwanted master, "THERE IS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, *NO WAY* THAT I WILL *EVER* EVEN CONSIDER TO GO THROUGH SOMETHING *THIS* MORONIC AS *LONG* AS I BREATH!!!"
Happosai dug into his ear, and knew that Akane would be breathing for a long time; she definitely had a healthy set of lungs. With a sigh, Happosai sat down in lotus position upon the crate of meat he had brought with them. He pulled out his pipe, and began to smoke it, while taking things into consideration.
"Akane-chan," the ancient martial arts master began, using his solumn instructor's tone, "I'm afraid that we've reached an obstacle in your training that must be addressed, lest your skills plateu to where they currently are."
"ACK!!!" Akane jumped away from the orange and black striped paw that attempted to claw off her leg; she was really hoping they couldn't jump that high, "Plateu, Icanlivewiththat!"
Happosai sighed again, and emptied out his pipe, incidentally searing the paw of one of the near starving monsters, as it attempted to take a swipe at him and the crate of sweet smelling meat. "As your master, it sorrows me that you're so willing to be simply average. You have a lot of potential in you, but we can't even begin to tap it with your irrational fear."
"IRRATIONAL IS TRYING TO TIE BUFFALO STEAKS TO ME AND THROWING ME INTO A PIT OF STARVING TIGERS AT THE ZOO!!!"
"Fortunately," Happosai continued, as if not hearing his student's protest, "I know of a way to resolve this little dilemma!"
"By GETTING DOWN FROM HERE?!?" Akane screamed again, and leapt onto the crate with Happosai.
"Akane, stop screaming, you're upsetting the tigers," Happosai commanded, before jumping onto Akane's shoulder. "Behold, the 'Couragious Heart's Shiatsu Point! With this, even the most harrowing fear can be confronted with confidence. Bullies will bow before you, natural disasters will not faze you. Tax collectors will become impotent before your unwavering determination!"
"SURE, WHATEVER, JUST MAKE *THEM* GO AWAY!!!" Akane pointed down at the cage, where the tigers had begun forming a pyramid, standing on each other's backs, in their attempt to successfully reach their nourishment.
"Hey! Can you guys balance on a ball?" Happosai enquired. One of the tigers that hadn't joined the tiger pyramid rolled out a large ball, and began to demonstrate its specactular talent. "Wow, look at'em go!"
"HAPPOSAI!!!" Akane attempted to warn her elder, as the final three Tigers were climbing on the others to complete the formation.
"Oh, sorry, got off track there," Happosai replied, chagrinned, "Now, if you would hold still for a moment..."
Akane was frozen with fear.
"That's the spirit!" the old martial arts master crowed, as he poked Akane at a point just left of the base of her skull. "There, did you feel anything?"
Akane shook her head, continuing to look down at the hungry large cats. Their pyramid fell short of the height they needed, and began disassembling.
"Hmm, mebbe I didn't press it right," Happosai poked Akane again at the same point with a bit more pressure, "How about now?"
"I don't see how poking me in the neck's going to do anything!" the youngest Tendou growled back, watching the tigers now go into a huddle. Occasionally, one would look up at them from the huddle, then turn its head back in. For a bit of variation, one would sometimes look at them, and snicker, or one would lick its lips, before returning to plotting.
"Dag blast it! I knew I did it right, that time!" Happosai huffed out, as he poked her again, "Feel any different, now?"
"No!" Akane replied, a bit impatiently. Several of the tigers rolled out large balls, similar to the one one of them was balancing on.
Happosai began to grow fustrated, himself, as he rapidly jabbed his finger into the base of Akane's skull. After several hundred times, he pulled out a shiatsu chart he had with him, checked over it to make sure he was right. He nodded as it confirmed that he was doing everything correctly, and began jabbing Akane again as fast as he could.
The tigers in the cage now formed a pyramid; each one of the standing on their hind legs, on each other's shoulders, while the bottom four balanced on the balls they had brought out. The top one was now currently attempting to steady itself, before moving onto the second phase of their plan.
"Aw, screw it," Happosai huffed in irritation, as he jumped from Akane's shoulder, "I guess I'll just have to work the best I can with what I have..." His eyes turned glossy with tears, as he dropped to his knees, "Please, pleasepleasepleasepleaaaasssseeee, will you go through the Catfist training?"
Akane threw her hands up in fustration, "Alright, alright! Just cut that out, it's making me nervous!"
_________________________
"Akane went through the Catfist training like a champ," Happosai continued his narration, "but alas, it didn't seem to take. I suggested she play with them..."
_________________________
Akane giggled, running around in a clawed up gi that was only held together by the twine tieing the large steaks to her, as she ran from the ferocious tigers. Behind her, she dragged a line of twine for the large cats to chase.
_________________________
"...told her to tease them...
_________________________
"HEY! YOUR MOTHER WAS A ZEBRA!!!" Akane shouted at her captive audience of carnivores...
_________________________
"..try wrestling with them a little..."
_________________________
Akane raised the desperately mewing tiger up to the air, and then down onto the concrete cage floor in a spectactular body slam. The raven-haired girl then ran back and forth over the twitching tiger, before she brought up her elbow, rotating it at her shoulder, and performed a devistating elbow drop...
_________________________
"...even outright fighting them..."
_________________________
"HIYA! HA! HEEEEYA!!!" Akane laid into the beasts she was among with a fury that they had never seen before in a meal.
_________________________
"...I don't understand what went wrong," Happosai said with a depressed sigh, "I hoped that using larger cats would offset the age problem, but it just wouldn't take. I guess you couldn't get over the age problem, after all."
_________________________
The whole pride of tigers were plastered with their backs against the cage bars, standing on their hind legs, and staring fearfully at the demon creature that invaded their sanctuary, tricking them by smelling of delicious food in order to bring them a great deal of harm. With that, they vowed that they would become vegan vegitarians for the rest of their lives.
Akane stared back at them with a cute and puzzled expression, before turning back up to Happosai at the top of the cage, "What went wrong?"
_________________________
Akane knelt beside her old master, and patted him on the back, "Don't worry about it, Grandfather Happosai, you tried your best."
Ranma continued to stare at the two with a mixture of incredulous disgust and surreal disbelievement. "Th-There's someone even more idiotic than Pops..." he mumbled to himself.
"Thanks, Akane-chan," the old letch replied, gratefully. He perked up, when he started to continue his story, "Although, after the failed Catfist training, Akane-chan threw herself into her training like a student possessed. Even if she didn't learn the Catfist, she grew to ten times the martial artist she would have been."
"Th-thanks, Master Happosai," Akane replied, blushing at the compliment.
"Unfortunately, after just a few months, that traiterous father of hers and her sisters pulled a sneaky trap on me!"
_________________________
"HOTCHA!" Happosai exclaimed, as he leapt into the barrel seemingly full of bras. "ACK!!!"
Before the ancient letch could realize the trickery, Soun slammed the lid on the barrel containing Happosai, bras worn by transvestite men, and several pairs of dirty men's underwear donated by the overweight sweaty men's weightlifting circuit, while Kasumi held the nails in place for Nabiki to hammer them down, sealing the old pervert in.
They then backed away quickly, as a cement truck backed up upon the barrel, and unloaded it's contents. Kasumi, Nabiki, and Soun worked to shape the quick drying cement around the barrel, before they lifted it up, and deposited on the back of a truck.
A caucasion man in a finely cut business suit jogged up to them, shook their hands, and told them that as the French ambassador to Japan, he relayed that France was grateful for their assistance in nabbing the notorious lingerie theif of 1842. He jogged back to the passenger side of the truck, and hopped in. The engine started, taking Happosai from the lives of the Tendous.
All three waved a tearful goodbye, Kasumi even dabbing her eyes with her hankerchief. Later on that day, the Tendous, including a slightly depressed Akane, watched the live broadcast of the French nuclear testing in the Indian Ocean.
_________________________
"THOSE JERKS!" Akane seethed, "They told me you died in a freak training accident! I was so upset when I heard you died!"
Once again, Akane was about to break into a fit of tears. "It's okay, Akane-chan, though I could use a good hug myself, right now.
Akane gave a faint smile, as she threw her arms open wide. The old letch suddenly spun on Ranma, flinging the contents of a flask at hi-... er... her. "OH MAMMA!"
"SHRIVEL UP AND DRY DEAD, YOU OLD FREAK!" Ranma-chan screamed out, as her ax-kick sent the old master sailing over the horizon.
"I JUST WANTED A LITTLE COMFORT MY RanMa-chaaannnnnnnnnnnnn*" Happosai's voice faded into the distance.
"HEY! QUIT PICKING ON MASTER HAPPOSAI!" Akane commanded, before she was suddenly grabbed around the waist, and carried to the rooftops, "Hey! LEMME GO!"
"That doc friend of yours, he knows shiatsu points, right?"
Blinking at the question, Akane nodded, "He's one of the best, I think."
Ranma grunted, heading straight for Dr. Tofu's clinic.