The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode Eight: "Dude, Where's My 'Melef?"

By Reanna King

This will be the first of many crossovers. I've got one crossover planned that only Caro-chan knows about, that none of you will EVER be able to guess. Speaking of Caro-chan, I'd like to thank her for the idea of Van preening his wings, as well as Hitomi's little "condition."

This episode of TEAORAA will probably be much more chaste than the last few. However, as usual, these stories contain mild language, slightly mature themes and NCMBMM (Non-consenting molestation by monkey-mice) as well as a couple new surprises. Don't worry. TEAORAA will NEVER be a lemon. But…this is your FAIR warning. Read at your own risk. If you can't handle limes, then read something else. There. Don't come crying to me now if you read something you don't like. ;)

Oh, this is to WAKU-CHAN: You asked what the Kama Sutra is. The Kama Sutra, to the best of my knowledge, is a Hindu book on the art of love and sex.

Was it a dream? Or was it a vision? Uh… wait, never mind…

"Excuse me," I said to the wolf man as we walked. "Did you say that we're headed for Fanelia?"

"That's right, young lady. Are you here to see Allen Schezar? You must have heard that he was visiting! Let's see, what was it? He's keeping it very discrete. But I believe it has something to do with his sister and that girl, Hitomi. Ah, here we are."

We came over a hill and saw the newly rebuilt Fanelia.

"Hey…" Utena said. "Where's that beautiful, swelling music coming from?" She looked around, but was unable to find any source.

"Oh. That's the soundtrack," the wolf man informed us.

We shrugged it off/ decided it would be useless to ask for further details.

"Well," Akio said. "Ri-chan sure seems excited to be here…"

We were soon surrounded by buildings and people going about their daily business. Then, I saw a familiar figure.

"Hitomi!" I called.

The girl turned and ran over. "Hello? Do I know you?"

Miki smiled. "No… we're just some people hoping to figure out a way to get back to Earth."

"You mean you're from…?" Hitomi trailed off. "Oh…" She fainted, and was immediately caught by a young man who was standing nearby.

The boy smiled at us. "Sorry. She does that from time to time. I'm Van."

"Pleased to meet you," Miki said, clicking his stopwatch. "Is she going to be okay?"

Van shrugged. "Of course. She just does this a lot."

Suddenly, Hitomi's eyes opened wide. "I saw it! I saw it!"

Van's expression suddenly grew deadly serious. "Hitomi? What was it? What did you see?" He looked back up at us, winked, and smiled.

Hitomi pointed at me. "Her! She… she was in pain! She was thrashing about in agony and struggling to take every breath… the screaming… the screaming was horrible… oh, Van…"

"Eep…" I whimpered.

"It's your fault Reanna's going to die…" Saionji hissed to Touga.

"Quiet!" I hissed back. "I really don't need this right now!"

"Aw… don't take that stuff seriously," a voice said. "She's been having lots of crazy visions lately!" A little cat person ran up to us and glomped onto Van. "Van-sama!"

"Oh, no…" I was moaning.

Merle smiled. "Don't take it seriously. Right, Van-sama?"

Van looked up from preening his wings and gave us a puzzled look. "Huh? What was that?"

"But I saw it…"

Suddenly, a horrible, evil laugh pierced the air. Van slapped his forehead with his palm. "Aw, not again…"

Almost immediately as Van said this, a gray-haired figure came running by in a straitjacket, laughing hysterically. "You'll all burn! Burn! Burn!!!" He was chased by a young man with flowing blond hair, who was yelling, "Celena… er… Dilandau… er… crap… you! Get back here!"

Akio put out a leg and tripped the straitjacketed figure. "Excuse me… would you stop long enough to tell me where you got that straitjacket?"

The figure lay on the ground, giggling to itself. Finally, the blond man caught up to us. "Thank you so much for catching her… er… him…"

"I take it this is the problem with your sister?" I asked Allen.

"Well… not long ago, my sister Celena started turning back into Dilandau at any mention of fire or burning… she would remain as Dilandau for as long as an hour, then return to her normal self. We couldn't figure it out, so we brought her here to see Hitomi, to see if perhaps she could help her."

"INCOMING!" Miki suddenly cried, pointing up into the sky.

We all looked up to see a small spherical object speeding out of the sky toward us. We managed to dive out of the way before it crashed into the ground, making a small crater. Upon examining it, we saw that it was a silvery ball that appeared to have some panel in it that could be opened. Well, almost all of us saw it. Hitomi had fainted again.

"Heehee…" Dilandau was saying. "Burn, burn, burn… Kill Van… burn… Van… MOERO! MOEEROOOOO!!" He suddenly broke out of the straitjacket, tearing it to shreds. He drew a sword out of hammerspace and prepared to attack, laughing maniacally. He whirled around to face us. (That is, Akio, Anshi, Utena, Juri, Miki, Touga, Saionji and myself) "My Dragonslayers! At last we are reunited! Now is the time to stand once again against our enemies!!"

Unfortunately, this was the time that the silver sphere decided to open. I had almost completely forgotten about the sphere until, with a hiss, the panel popped open. And what I saw filled me with terror.

"CHI!!"

"CHAA!!"

"N-N-NOO!! This is impossible! Not again…" I thought…

"Look," Miki said. "There's a note in here. It says 'Thanks, from Nylc and Clyn'."

"Well, they're NOT welcome…" I moaned I cried as the two monkeys from hell jumped into my clothing. "AAAaaaaaAAAAHHHoooOOHHH…"

At that time, Hitomi awoke. "Oh, no! Van! She's dying! Just like in my vision!"

"GAAAAAHHHHHOOHHHHHNOOOOOOOAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHH…"

Dilandau held his sword high. "Quickly, my Dragonslayers! While they're off guard! We must attack!"

Saionji shrugged. "I got it covered." He dug around in his pocket and pulled out a lighter. He lit it and held it up to Dilandau. "Look! Fire! See?"

Dilandau went into a trance. "Heehee… fire… … … I like fire… … …"

"What are YOU doing with a lighter?" Touga asked. "I should report that to the Chairman." He turned to Akio. "Hey, Rijichou…"

"I know, I know…" Akio said, waving his hand.

"Somebody… help…" I moaned from my spot on the ground, not at all happy about being neglected.

Suddenly, Dilandau was Celena again. "Oh, my… what's going on? What's happened?" she asked.

Allen turned to all of us. "Thank you," he said. "This is the second time that you've helped us keep my sister under control."

"Oh… ohhh… … … … … ohhhhhhhhhhhhh…" I groaned.

"Huh? Allen? What are you…?"

"Don't mention it," Miki said, clicking his stopwatch.

"Ooh…" Merle said. "That's neat…" She grabbed the stopwatch. "Wow… I think I'll keep it! Heehee!"

"W-What? Give that back!" Miki cried.

"H- h- help… me…"

"Oh, right! Sorry!" Akio said. "Hold still for a minute, Reanna…"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

**********

Later, in the privacy and comfort of the Fanelia palace, we relaxed and discussed the situation.

"Okay," I said. "About when did all of this start?" I asked Allen.

"About two weeks ago," Allen said with a melancholy face. "Yesterday, Hitomi first tried to cure her, but so far she has met with no success…"

"Hey, don't worry! I'm a prince! I'm meant to do these kind of things!" Utena said.

"Uh… Utena…" Anshi said.

"AHEM!"

"Uh, I mean… Prince Utena…"

"Say," Van said. "Where is Hitomi, anyway?"

**********

"Well?" Hitomi was saying meanwhile. "What is it?"

"Hitomi…" Akio said. "I'd like you to do something for me."

Hitomi fainted.

Akio smacked his forehead. "That always happens…"

**********

"Well…" Saionji said. "What has Hitomi tried so far?"

Touga hit Saionji over the head.

"OWWW!! What was that for, dufus?"

"You said, "hit me."

"It was "Hitomi" and you know it… OW!!"

Allen sweatdropped. How much help could these people be, exactly…?

**********

"You want me to do a reading for you?" Hitomi asked after regaining consciousness.

"Yes. A tarot card reading for me and Ri-chan," Akio said. "To see if we'd make a good couple."

"But, why do that when you can tell just by looking—"

**********

Meanwhile, Touga and Saionji were engaged in a heated debate.

"Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself! Quit hittin' yerself!!"

"OWW!! OW! OWW!! Stoppit!!"

**********

Hitomi sat, her cards all set to do a reading. She turned up a card.

"Oh. It's the "World" card."

"What does that mean?" Akio asked eagerly.

"Well, wait until I draw another one." Hitomi drew another card. "Oh! The "Tower" card. This is the card of distant separation."

"… … … What does that mean?"

"Uh… well… don't take my word for it, but these two cards suggest that you two are and will remain worlds apart… shall I continue?"

"Uh… no thanks…"

**********

Merle was playing with Miki's stopwatch. "How do you work it?"

"Uh…"

"What does it do?"

"Uh…"

"Hey, I wonder if it floats…" She scampered off with the stopwatch in her mouth.

"HEY! WAIT!!" Miki ran after her.

**********

"You want to know what?"

"I want you to tell me how to make her fall in love with me."

"You mean… pickup lines or techniques?"

"No, no… don't you have a spell or magic thingy that will make her fall in love with me?"

"Well… they say that if you pull a hair from someone, they will fall deeply in love with you."

"Really? It's just that easy?"

"Yes… But there are several other ways to do this."

Akio smirked. "Would you mind… writing a list of them for me?"

"Of course not."

**********

"Nope! It doesn't float! Here, you can have it back."

"M- m- my watch…" Miki whimpered, holding up his stopwatch, which was still dripping from its recent swim.

Akio and Hitomi wandered back into the room. Hitomi handed him a piece of paper as they rejoined us.

"What's that?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing…" Akio said.

Suddenly, Hitomi gasped. "Oh… oh no!"

"Hitomi! What's wrong?" Van asked.

"Giants… destroying… city…" Hitomi fainted.

"Not again…" Allen muttered. He began fanning Hitomi with is hand. "Somebody get some water."

"Hai hai!" Merle scampered off in search of some water. "Nyaa!"

Suddenly, I felt a light tingling on the back of my head. I whirled around to see Akio standing much MUCH too close behind me, holding up his thumb and index finger.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"… … you were giving me bunny ears, don't you? You know I hate that!" I turned back around to resume taking care of Hitomi.

"Anyway," Van said, "since it's getting to be kind of late, perhaps you would like to stay the night in the castle? Or are you staying at an inn?"

"Oh, Miss-- -- Prince Utena, wouldn't it be wonderful to stay in a castle?" Anshi asked.

Utena was too busy going on about how she was a prince and it was her princely duty to help Hitomi.

"Well… we'd love to stay the night here…" I said, "if it's not too much trouble."

"All right then," Van said. "About the sleeping arrangements—"

I whirled around, feeling the tingling sensation on my head again. "What the hell are you up to?! And what's that paper in your hand?"

"Nothing!" Akio said.

"Akio, if you—"

"Nyaaaa! I got water!" Merle cried, running in on her hind legs with a glass of water in one hand. "Van-samaaaa!!"

As I looked back to Hitomi, I felt a wetness splatter on my back. I looked back to see Merle lying on the floor next to the broken glass.

"S… sorry…" Merle said. "I tripped…"

"That's okay, Merle," Van said.

I looked over at Akio and noticed that that mysterious piece of paper he had been holding was now all smudged. "Aww… now I'll never find out what was on that paper… can't even read it now…"

"Huh?" Akio said, looking at his list. "Damn!"

"Whatever that was, you deserved it!"

Suddenly, Hitomi's eyes popped open. "Oh!" She started crying out in pain.

"Hitomi! Hitomi!" Van cried. "What is it?! Did you have another vision??"

"… no… you're… kneeling on my foot."

I felt a sharp prick at the back of my head. I whirled around at Akio and saw him holding one of my hairs between his fingers. "Hey! What'd you do that for?! That really hurt!" I rubbed the back of my head. "Moron!"

Hitomi smiled gently. "Be grateful, Reanna-san. It could have been worse."

I made a confused face. Probably because I was confused. "Uhh… Hitomi? What are you talking about?"

Hitomi motioned for me to come closer to her. I bent down. She motioned for me to bend down still further. Then she whispered something in my ear.

I whacked Akio over the head very very hard. "YOU WERE GONNA DO WHAT??!! Why don't ya just kick me in the area while you're at it, ya sadistic creep??!!!!!"

Hitomi nodded and proceeded to spill the beans as to the conversation she had had with Akio, not seeming to realize that Akio was making several "shut up" "silence" gestures to her from behind all of us. "… and so I wrote out a list for him of tricks that will supposedly make someone fall in love with you."

"You… what?…" I asked, feeling the very little food that was in my stomach backing up on me. "Excuse me…" I ran off, presumably to attempt to purge myself of this knowledge somehow.

Akio smirked. "Anyway, Van, about those sleeping arrangements…"

**********

Finally satisfied, but still feeling rather sick, I stumbled back inside and saw Miki.

"Reanna-sempai! Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah… I spent a long time looking for a toilet to throw up in and then remembered that there weren't any… so I ran outside and had to run half a mile to find a bush to throw up behind… and by then I didn't feel sick anymore… but I had to get it out of my system so I…"

Miki smiled sweetly, causing me to melt into a little Reanna-puddle on the floor. Once I managed to pull myself together, Miki said, "That's okay, Reanna-sempai. While you were gone, we worked out sleeping arrangements. Everyone else is already in their rooms… anyway, the guest rooms are—"

I knew what was coming. "Let me guess… there are only four guest rooms with two beds in each?" I asked.

Miki shook his head. "Nope."

I sighed with relief.

"There are four guestrooms with one bed each."

**facefault** "And… I'm sharing a room with you, right Miki?"

Miki blushed. "Err… no."

"Utena?"

"No."

"Anshi?"

"No…"

"Juri?"

"Uhh… no."

"Touga?"

"Nope."

"Then it's Saionji. I don't really mind, but…"

Miki shook his head.

The blood drained from my face. I felt myself go pale and dizzy. "You don't mean…"

Miki bowed his head and put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry…"

I stiffened my knees to prevent me from sinking to the floor. "That's okay Miki… it's not your fault I'll be having my own room."

**facefault** "Actually… Reanna-sempai… you're sharing a room with Akio-san…"

"Hey weird girl! Are you okay? Nya!"

I opened my eyes… Why am I laying on the floor, I thought, then saw Merle and Miki.

"Did I faint?"

"Man, you're just like Hitomi!" Merle said.

"Sorry, Reanna-sempai… I would have said something, but Akio said that if I didn't, he wouldn't put Touga and Saionji in the same room," Miki told me.

"Well… you have a point there… … … oh, but this is awful…" I moaned. Wait a minute! I sat up straight. "I shouldn't have to take abuse from Akio-san!"

"That's right, Reanna-sempai!" Miki encouraged.

"I have my rights! I have my needs! And what's more… a self-insertion is not a toy!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, but… go, weird girl!" Merle cheered.

I stood up shakily. "I've put up with him and his libido for long enough! I'm going in that room and giving him a piece of my mind!" I made an angry fist with my left hand.

"That's the spirit, Reanna-sempai!" Miki said. "Go tell him how you feel!"

I stomped off down the hall, ready to knock some sense into the Rijichou. I would stand up to him… I would make my demands known… I would…

"Miki-chan? Could you turn off that recording of 'Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku?' It's kinda making me nervous…"

"Sure."

I resumed walking down the hall. The guest rooms were here, right? Maybe I should have asked which one was mine… every door looked alike and there was no way of telling who was in each room… Would I have to knock on each of them? Hmm, that wouldn't make for a very dramatic entrance…

Suddenly one of the doors swung open. "C'mon, Ri-chan, it's time for bed!" I got grabbed and pulled into the room just before the door shut, only having time to let out a short yelp before I was flung onto a bed so fluffy I sank in about up to my nose. I looked up and saw Akio smiling down at me, wearing a silky pajama version of his usual red-and-black outfit.

"So much for that…" I moaned.

"For what?" Akio asked.

"… … nothing…"

Akio held up a purple something. "Oh, sou, sou… look, I found this for you." It was a silky purple nightgown. "Doesn't it look comfy?"

"Uh… yes?" I whimpered.

"Good!" His leaned forward and undid the zipper on my pants.

"Wha- what do you think you're doing?!"

"Putting it on you?" Akio said innocently.

"I CAN DO IT MYSELF!"

"Oh nonsense, don't strain yourself, it's no problem…"

"SOMEONE HELP ME!!"

**********

From outside the room, Miki and Merle stood listening.

"Wow! Listen to her yelling! She sure is assertive!" Merle marveled. "She must really be reaming him out in there!"

"I really do admire her audacity…" Miki said. "Come on, Merle, I'll show you how my stopwatch works."

**********

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic…"

"NO NO NO!! LET GO OF ME! STOP THAT!!"

"Stop squirming, it's almost on… there!" He gently pulled my hair out of the inside of the gown. "Perfect! Now, do you want the left side of the bed or the right side?"

"I'll take the whole bed. You can have the whole FLOOR." I said with crossed arms.

"Okay."

"… … Really?"

"Of course. Why don't you just get settled in? You look tired." Akio pulled a spare blanket from the closet and threw it on the floor next to the bed.

"Thanks." I said as I brushed my hair. My back was to him, but through the mirror I was looking, I saw him messing around with my bed. "Hey! What are you doing?"

"Oh nothing, just fluffing your pillow." Akio put the pillow back and patted it.

"Oh well." I went over and blew out the candle next to the bed and climbed in and pulled the heavy covers over me. I fell asleep almost immediately.

**********

Van stood in the throne room looking out one of the big windows at the night sky.

"Van-samaaa!" Merle came running up to him happily.

"Hey there, Merle. Where have you been?"

"Oh, nowhere. Just with that funny blue-haired kid learning how to use a stopwatch. I don't really get the point of it…"

"Hmm…" Van said, and resumed looking at the stars.

"Van-sama? Do you think the strangers will be okay in their rooms? They seem kinda weird."

Van turned to Merle and smiled. "They'll be fine."

**********

I woke up, aware that I wasn't laying down anymore. What was this pressure I felt on my wrists? I looked up.

"Akio!! W-w-w- what are you doing?"

"Just helping you settle in…"

"Being tied to the bedposts with ribbon is not what I call 'settling in'!"

"Shh, you'll wake everyone up…"

"Oh, I knew this would happen… I'm a goner… it's all over for me… this is it…" I moaned as Akio attached my bound wrists to the headboard.

"Oh settle down," Akio said as he began attaching my feet to the end of the bed.

"No, Rijichou, don't…"

"Hey, settle down! Jeez, you really are a drama queen, aren't you?"

"No, no, no, no, NO!!" I struggled as hard as I could. I could break the ribbon if I pulled hard enough, couldn't I?

Akio finished and sat down on the bed and lit a candle, setting it on the nightstand.

"Akio-san… please… d-d-d- don't…"

Akio held something up to me. Actually, two somethings. "Blue paint and a paintbrush?"

"There, see, there's nothing to worry about."

"Like hell! You've got a paint fetish and you never told me??!!!! You keep that stuff away from me!"

Akio dipped the brush in the paint. "Oh, come on, who ever heard of a paint fetish?"

"Then why are you doing this?!"

Akio smiled. "I don't think I'm supposed to say that…"

"Weirdo! Get away from me!"

Akio touched the brush to my face and began painting it blue.

"Stop that! That tickles! Let me go!"

"Stop wriggling around!"

"Heehee… but that tickles! Akio stop that!!"

And so it went, and so it went…

**********

When I woke up the next morning, the sun was already high in the sky. I was still tired from last night… thankfully, after Akio was satisfied (that weirdo), he untied me and let me go to sleep, and I was never disturbed again throughout the night. I rose up out of bed and looked around. Akio wasn't even in the room. Good, I thought. I can change in peace. I'd definitely need a bath… I was still covered in blue paint, which had crusted on and become itchy. I heard a noise from behind me. I whirled around. "Akio?" I asked cautiously.

It wasn't him. But I did see the pile of pillows at the head of the bed moving around.

"What…?" I wondered, lifting up the pillows one by one.

"Ennnrrrlll…" came the sound.

"Hello?" I asked. "Who's there?"

"Ennarrroooolll…"

Somebody was under all those pillows? That's what it sounded like! I continued throwing them aside.

"Tennarroooll…"

Wait… that kinda sounds like… I froze with a pillow in my hands.

"TENTACRUELLLLL…"

… … … … … "Ooh… I wonder what a Pokémon is doing here…"

**facefault** "Crueeell…"

"Uh… I don't like the way it's looking at me… Oh no… don't tell me…" I addressed the tentacled jellyfish Pokémon. "You're not going to…"

**nod nod nod**

"No, I don't think you understand," I said to it. "This is not how I want to start out my day. Do you understand?"

**… … … shake shake shake**

"I should run, shouldn't I?"

**nod nod nod**

**********

"Say, does anybody know where Reanna is?" Allen asked as everybody sat down to breakfast at a long table in the huge dining room.

"Well, she was still sleeping when I got up, so I decided to let her sleep," Akio said.

Miki said, "Odd, it's not like her to sleep in… I wonder if everything's all right…"

"Oh, don't be paranoid," Juri said. "She's probably just sleeping off stress…"

Hitomi turned to Akio. "So, how's that list of yours working?"

"Well, I don't understand it…" Akio said. "I did everything. I pulled out one of her hairs… I did this one: 'Tie her with ribbon to the bedposts and paint her blue…' Didn't work… I put a Tentacruel under her pillows… that didn't work…"

"YOU WHAT??!!" everyone yelled. Hitomi fainted.

Akio explained the entire situation to everyone.

"Let me see that!" Allen said. He grabbed the piece of paper. "This is all smeared…"

"I get it!" Utena said. "Merle spilled water on that paper last night… so it smeared the writing on it, and Akio misread the directions!"

"oops…" Akio said.

"So now Reanna's alone in her room with a Tentacruel??" Miki said.

"Oh, dear…" Celena murmured.

Everyone stood up, knocking over chairs. "We have to save her!"

But at that moment, the entire room was shook by a massive shock wave. The sound of deafening crashes continued on for a few seconds, then stopped, then started again.

"What the hell?!"

Everyone ran to a window and saw two Melefs fighting it out not too far away from the castle. A couple of young men recognized the Melefs…

"Escaflowne!" Van cried.

"Schezarade!" Allen shouted. "This is awful!… … I just had that thing waxed!"

"Who's in them?" Juri asked.

"Say… has anybody here seen Touga or Saionji lately?" Anshi asked.

There was a long pause. Akio slapped his forehead with his palm. "Those idiots…"

"What's going on?" Hitomi asked, walking over rather shakily. She looked out the window… and fainted again.

"We have to stop them! Look at the damage they're causing!" Van said.

"What about Reanna?"

Everyone looked to Van… after all, he was the king.

"… … … We have to save Fanelia first! Come on!"

"Hai!"

**********Meanwhile…

"Hello? Anybody!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

"Oh, the story ends here, does it?! Sure, just leave me here with the hentai Pokémon… this is just great… I hate when stories end like this!! Hello? Hello, out there? If you're reading this, SEND HELP!!!"

Preview of the next:

Things get worse! Yes, WORSE!

Can my friends save me AND Fanelia?

What will happen when Celena turns into Dilandau again?

AND CAN HITOMI STAY CONSCIOUS FOR THE WHOLE THING?!

All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to

know the answers to will be answered in:

The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Nine:

"This Way! That Way! More Adventures in the World of Escaflowne!"

**nod nod nod**