The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio

Episode 13: "Don't Be Discouraged!"

By: Reanna King

Notes: Sorry for the wait, people, but it's finally here! Ahead of time, let me say that when Akio says "my little ones," he is talking to Chi Chi and Cha Cha… Oh… I think I must have listened to Megumi Hayashibara's "Feel Well" from Slayers PREMIUM (I wanna see it!!) a hundred times while writing this. If you can find that song, then get it, it's a great song!!!!!! Oh… speaking of Slayers… … the identity of the other Mazoku Xelloss speaks of in this episode is… … a secret. I did the spell names in romaji because… … it's fun… therefore "huaiaa boru" = Fire ball and "suriipingu" = Sleeping. Also, "Dokukurage" is the Tentacruel's original name. If you can't pronounce that correctly, then what are you doing reading this fic? :p Kasane-chan: I know you-know-who would never hit Xel-sama over the head with a mallet, but maybe in this case he'd make an exception. What do you think? And yes, Xelloss and the mystery Mazoku WILL be making more appearances after this episode!

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

I was startled awake. Screaming? I sat up from where I had been sleeping—a mat on the floor. Filia had decided to separate the males from the females by putting the girls in the foyer and the males in the spare bedroom.

So who was it who had screamed? I got up and stumbled out of the foyer to the spare bedroom. The scream had only come once, and now it was quiet. I put my ear to the door.

"That's unfair," I heard Akio's voice say from inside the room. "I'm the one who rules here. Can't I even enjoy a dream?"

What?…

"Oh, my little ones…" the voice continued. "You were enjoying the dream too? Then, we should promptly return…"

What the hell…? I leaned against the wall for a minute to ponder this. After a minute, the door opened and Miki came out.

"Miki… what are you doing up?"

Miki rubbed his eyes. "I couldn't sleep. First Akio woke up screaming, then he started talking to Chi Chi and Cha Cha… now he keeps talking in his sleep."

"**grumble grumble…** new constellation…" Akio's voice came from inside the room.

"Talking about what?"

Miki blushed. "Ah… … well…"

"Mmmmm… roller coaster…" came the voice.

"Actually," I said, "it sounds innocent enough to me."

"**snore…** Chocolate cream…"

Miki's entire face turned red. "Keep listening…"

I put my ear up to the door, and heard Akio continue to mutter to himself. What was it he was saying about… … … … "Hey!" … … … … … "Why, that…" … … … … … … "…the HELL?!"

"See why I can't sleep?" Miki said.

"Yeah…" I said.

"Reanna-sempai … what's the deal that Akio was talking about?"

Deal?… I crossed my arms. "I never made a deal… he must have just been talking nonsense in his sleep."

"… I see."

"**mumble…** …volcano…"

"Huh?" I wondered. "What does a volcano have to do with anything?"

Miki shrugged.

"Reanna… **mumble… grumble…** CENSORED **grumble…** ALSO CENSORED ** mmmm… Ri-chan… ** VERY VERY CENSORED **grumble…**"

Miki turned bright red.

"That does it! I'm going in!" I stormed into the room and saw Akio lying on the floor under one of the spare blankets Filia had gotten out last night. I knelt down beside him and nudged him gently.

"Akio-san!"

"… … reward… …"

I put my hands on his shoulders and him. "Wake up, Akio-san!"

"**grumble** Eventually… …"

I grabbed a handful of his hair (it was lying loose out of its funky green thingy) and yanked on it. "Wake up!!!"

"… … oh, shit…" Akio groaned and sat up slowly. "Damn…" He rubbed his eyes and threw the covers off him.

"GAAAAAHHHH!!" I screamed. "YOU'RE NAKED!" Feeling myself turn an extremely bright shade of red, I grabbed the blanket and threw it back onto him and ran from the room.

"You know, generally, that's not a good sign…" I heard Touga's voice say.

"Shut up," came the reply.

"Yeah, shut up," came a second reply.

"Reanna? What happened?" Miki asked.

"Don't ask…" I muttered. "I'm going back to bed. After all this commotion, I'm sure I'll just drift off to sleep…"

"Morning, everyone!" Filia called, sweeping aside the curtains and allowing the blinding sun to enter the room.

"Gahhh… I DIDN'T SLEEP AT ALL!!!" I groaned and pulled the sheet over my head. "What time is it?"

"What was that, Ri-chan?" Akio asked smugly from the hall, completely dressed and groomed and looking very awake.

"I asked what time it wa— shut up! Hey, and how are you up already?"

Akio shrugged. "There'd be something wrong with the world if someone like me tossed and turned in bed until noon every day," he smiled.

Anshi nodded cheerfully.

I sat up. "I guess… …"

"Hey, why are you getting us all up so early?" Nanami demanded.

Filia smiled cheerfully. "Because I have a little favor to ask of all of you! I need all of you to baby-sit Valtiera while I run some errands today." She held up the little baby. "There are plenty of you, so it shouldn't be too difficult…" she said uneasily.

"Boy, you sound confident…" I muttered.

"We'd be happy to!" Utena said.

"Do princes baby-sit?" Juri asked.

"Shut up!"

Filia smiled (somewhat forcibly), her eyebrow twitching. "I knew I could count on you. Jaa, mata!" And Filia left.

"Ahh, I can't believe I'm in the Slayers world, on a beautiful day, but stuck inside a stuffy house for the whole day!" I moaned.

"Reanna! Filia-san is counting on us!" Utena said. "It's our job to make sure she can feel safe about leaving Valtiera for the day!"

"Sou desu ne!" Anshi said.

"Right Ri-chan, look on the bright side," Akio said, "you have me here for company."

"GET LOST!"

"As you wish," Akio said, and walked off to the spare bedroom.

"That was strange… …" I said.

"He's trying harder," Juri observed.

"What do you mean by that…"

"Ah yes, Reanna… at last, I have you where I want you… … the way I want you…"

"Akio-san, untie me right now!"

"Now now, it's useless to struggle…"

"No, please, you mustn't! I… I… I'm a self-insert!"

"You have defied me for far too long… now… finally… it is time!"

"No, no, let me go… wait no, don't do that…!"

Akio sat on his mat in the spare bedroom. In one hand he held a hastily stitched together Akio doll. In the other hand he held a hastily stitched together Reanna doll… with a noticeable absence of clothing, and a noticeable presence of kite string wrapped strategically over its body.

He momentarily put the Reanna doll down and picked up a hastily stitched together Xelloss doll.

"Hey you! What do you think you're doing?"

"Xelloss!"

"I'm here to save Reanna!"

"Oh yeah? Take that!" Akio threw the Xelloss doll across the room, and picked up the Reanna doll again.

"Now, at last… we are alone…" The Akio doll sauntered over to the bound Reanna doll.

"No, leave me alone! Let me go! I hate you! And yet… … I find you strangely attractive…"

"Of course you do… … women are naturally attracted to men with phallus-shaped towers and cool red convertibles. And I have both… and you know it…" The Akio doll drew closer to the Reanna doll.

"No, no, don't touch me! Stop, stop!"

"Reanna, kiss me!"

"No, I won't!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"N… no… Ohhhh… ohhhhh, Akio… Akio-sama… yes… oh, yes!…"

"Akio-san, what are you doing?"

The dolls stopped doing vulgar things. "YEEEEEEK!" Akio whirled around to find Xelloss watching attentively, and gathered up the toys in a hurry. "What are you doing here?!… … … did you see anything?"

"No, Akio-san. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again."

"Good!"

"Okay, then… see ya!"

"Wait!" Akio said.

Xelloss looked back. "Hmm?"

"Why… why do you keep interfering with Reanna and I? Is it that you're that interested in her?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"Answer me, you damn Mazoku!"

Xelloss scratched the back of his head. "Ah, well, Reanna's kind of cute, but… this is mostly just to inconvenience you! See ya!" Xelloss disappeared.

Akio shook his fist at the empty air. "DAMN YOU, XELLOSS!!!"

"You're very welcome!… …" Xelloss's lingering voice said cheerfully.

Val was crying.

"Juri-sempai!" Utena said. "I can't figure out why Val's crying! I've tried everything!"

"Maybe he just misses Filia…" Miki said. **click**

"Oh, I don't know!" Utena said, and shoved Val into my arms. "Reanna, make Val happy!"

"I- I- I- I don't know what to do!" I said.

"You're a self insert!" Nanami said. "Self inserts know everything!"

"Don't say that!" I cried. "Don't even say that!!"

Nanami paused. "What's with her?"

"There have been so many blatant and shameless self inserts with worldly knowledge and power before Reanna, by the time she wrote this story, there wasn't much left over for her," Touga told her.

"So that's why she's so pathetic…"

"**sniff** **sniff** Nanami… you're so mean… …"

"Great, now Reanna's gonna cry too… …" Juri muttered.

"No, I'm not… …" I said. "I have to cheer up Val!" I started making funny faces at the baby ancient dragon.

Val cried harder.

"You've scared him," Saionji said. "You're just not 'funny face' material."

"Neither are you!" Touga said. "You suck!"

"F*$^ off!"

"Blow me!"

"Ano… …" Anshi murmured. "Perhaps it isn't a good idea to be talking like that around the baby…" She pointed to Val.

"Gah, I just can't get him to stop crying…" I moaned.

"Let me try," a voice from behind us said.

"Akio-san? You know how to take care of babies?"

Akio smiled winningly. "Of course. I'm Dios, remember?"

"No, you're not."

"You know what I mean… …"

"Say, where have you been, anyway?" Touga asked.

"Oh, just releasing some pent-up stress…" Akio sighed. "Now, are you going to let me show you how to cheer up little Val?"

Akio knew how to take care of babies? Well, that was unexpected… maybe I'd see a side of Akio I'd never seen before. "Okay, let's see it."

"Right… … Give Val to Juri."

"Juri?"

"You heard me."

"Okay…" I handed the crying baby to Juri.

Akio grabbed hold of my arms and then whistled loudly. "Chi Chi, Cha Cha, come get her!"

"NANI?!"

"Chi Chi!"

"Cha Cha!"

"WHAAA---! Akio-san, how is this gonna make Val happy???!!!!"

"Oh, you'll see……"

"I don't wanna see! Let me go!!"

Miki turned away. **sigh** "I can't watch this…"

"YAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! $^&$%$#!$%&*&$*&^#$@$^*.*^$@!#%&*^#@$^&*#@#%&@%*!$&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Wow, that didn't take long… good job, Chi Chi and Cha Cha!"

Val began laughing.

"Oh, look, he's happy now!" Anshi said, smiling. "How wonderful!"

"That baby has a cruel sense of humor…" I moaned.

"I think I wanna go home now…" Nanami muttered.

"Akio… … … that was really humiliating… … and mean… …"

"I couldn't agree more!"

"Xelloss!"

"Xelloss-sama!"

"Hi!" Xelloss smiled. "Sorry for arriving so late, Reanna-san. I had some business to take care of… … but I'm here to do my job!"

"And what's that?" Utena asked.

"Sore wa mochiron! To protect Reanna-san!" Xelloss said, as if it were the most simple thing in the world.

"Why the hell is it your job to do that?! And for once, tell us the truth!" Akio said.

Xelloss scratched the back of his head. "Well, the truth is, a fellow Mazoku asked me to watch over Reanna-san for him!"

"Who?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu! Don't worry, Akio-san! I'll sometimes let you have your fun… … I am a Mazoku, after all…"

"Akio," Touga said.

"Nan desu ka?"

"We can still use the Akio Car to get back to our own dimension, can't we?"

"We can, and will as soon as Filia returns."

"Where is the Akio Car, anyway?" Miki asked. **click**

"Oh, I parked it out behind the house behind some bushes last night. No one should see it," Akio said. "Unless, of course, they were looking for it." He chuckled.

Everyone else chuckled uneasily.

"Eeto…" Xelloss said. "Are you talking about that strange hunk of red metal that's sitting out back?"

"Yeah… why?"

"Well, that thing isn't hidden at all… it's quite out in the open, and there aren't any bushes even near where it's sitting," Xelloss informed them.

"That's impossible!" Akio said. "How could that be?"

"Hmmmmm… maybe because I moved those bushes this morning?" Xelloss said.

"WTF would you do that?!" Saionji asked.

Xelloss smiled abashedly. "Well, truth be told, I thought the story would be more exciting this way!"

Akio rested his forehead in his palm. "Did I mention that I hate Mazoku almost as much as I hate Shikima?"

Everyone shook their heads.

"Well, I do…" Akio said and ran outside. "Xelloss, if that car's gone, I'll…" he called back.

I turned to Xelloss. "Xelloss-sama, if that car's gone, we can't get back to our own dimensions."

"Hmm… I might be able to help you there… which dimension would you be from?" Xelloss asked.

"I… … I… never knew dimensions had names…" I replied. "Even if I did, I don't think Akio-san would leave without that car…"

"IT'S GONE!" Akio's voice came from the outside. In a cloud of dust, Akio rushed back into the house and stopped short in front of Xelloss. "YOU!!! You'd better prepare for a very merciless ass-kicking, pal!"

Xelloss smiled sweetly. "I'm afraid I can't let you do that."

"Maybe we should get the car back first," Utena said.

"Right," Juri said. "Who knows who's taken it or where it's gone to…"

"I agree," Miki said. **click**

"It could be anywhere by now!" Akio moaned.

Touga and Saionji turned to each other.

"It's YOUR-- … … well, you know…" Touga waved his hand.

"No, it's YOUR-- … … you know…" Saionji said half-heartedly.

"I need some fresh panties!" I whined.

"Reanna-sempai, that's rather personal…" Anshi said.

"Oniisama, I wanna go home!" Nanami whined.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Don't think so!"

"We need to find the car!"

"I'm a prince and will stop this madness!"

**click**

"Your fault!"

"Yours!"

"BOKU NO KURUMA~~~!!"

"I'm wet!"

**SWEATDROP**

"Oniisama!!"

"HUAIAA BORU!!!!!!!!"

A great big fireball suddenly got tossed into our midst. When the smoke cleared, we saw Lina-tachi standing at the door. "EXCUSE ME! If you didn't hear me the first time, what's going on here?!"

"Lina-san!" I said, overjoyed (overlooking the fireball incident). "Lina, Akio's car was stolen, and now we can't get back to our own dimension!"

"Do you think you could help us?" Miki asked.

Lina invited herself in and sat down in a chair. "Hmm… it'll cost you fifty gold pieces."

"WHAT?!"

"Lina-san, how could you charge money for something like this?" Amelia asked. "They need that thing to get home!"

Lina held up an index finger. "That's exactly my point. If they need it so badly, then they may as well pay for it. What kind businesswoman would I be if I passed up this great opportunity?"

"Brilliant, Lina-san!" Xelloss said cheerfully.

"Lina-san, that's horrible!" Amelia said.

"Same old Lina…" Gourry smiled.

"Same old insane prices…" Zelgadis muttered.

"Now, really!" Lina insisted. "If they split it up, that's less than six gold pieces apiece! That's perfectly reasonable!"

"But we don't have any gold!" Utena said.

Lina looked slyly at us. "Then we must come up with an alternate form of payment, mustn't we?"

I gestured for everyone (sans Slayers) to gather in a huddle.

"Reanna, you have an idea?" Touga asked.

"No, I wanted to see if any of you had one," I replied.

"Stupid self-insert…" Saionji muttered.

"Shut up! Don't be mean!" I said.

"Yeah! Shut up! Don't be mean!" Touga said, and whacked Saionji a good one.

"Thanks, Touga!" I smiled.

"You're most welcome," Touga smiled sexily.

"But you're still an ass."

"Dammit."

"Ha, ha!"

"Let's hurry up and find the car, this episode's almost over!"

I sidled over to Amelia. "Ano… Amelia-san… how about you put a righteous and just sleeping spell on Lina so you guys can help us find Akio's car?"

"Ummmmm…" Amelia said hesitantly.

"For great justice!" I added, raising a clenched fist to the sky.

"Ummmmm… I don't think that's a good idea…" Amelia said.

"How about if I give you these?" I handed Amelia some Sailor Moon and Wedding Peach manga.

The shinies in Amelia's eyes multiplied several times. "Really?! Wow! I've been wanting to see these!" She opened a book. "Look at that pose! Listen to that speech! It's so… beautiful! Reanna-san, you have a deal!"

Xelloss nudged me. "Reanna-san, I admire your devilish sneakiness," he said.

"Now look…" I muttered.

Amelia turned to Lina. "SURIIPINGU!"

Nothing happened.

"Amelia… did you really think that would work on me, you silly justice freak?" She whacked Amelia upside the head, and then hit me on the head too.

"OWWWW!!!" I cried. "Lina-san, you're supposed to take it easy on self-inserts!"

"Izzat a rule?"

"It is!"

"Whatever… well, since you're a "high-and-mighty" self-insert and let me beat you up anyway, I've decided to help you find that hideous hunk of junk for free." Lina said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Lina-san, that was a really just and loving act of kindness!" Amelia said.

Lina shrugged with a smile. "Yeah well, I figure, if we're lucky, it was some bandits who stole it, so there'll probably be some treasure to steal too! Hurraaay!"

"Yay…"

"Whoopee…"

"Try and be a little more enthusiastic!"

"Wai, wai!"

"Huzzah!"

"That's better! Now let's go find that car thingy!"

**********

After Filia got back from her errands and was able to watch over Val, we set out.

"Now, all we have to do is figure out where all the local bandit hideouts are…" Lina said.

"What are we looking for again?" Gourry asked again.

"Gaaah!! Baka! Yogurt for brains! Jellyfish!" Lina yelled.

"DOKUKURAGE…" Tentacruel popped out of its Pokéball.

"Dokukurage? What happened to 'Tentacruel?'" I asked.

The Tentacruel/Dokukurage shrugged a few tentacles and picked me up with the others.

"Yeeeeeeek!! Lina-san, never say that word!!!"

Lina turned around. "What word?"

"JELLYFISH!!!"

"DOKUKURAGE…"

"Ow! Ow! Ow! NOT SO FRICKIN' HARD!! Let me go!!"

Lina sweatdropped. "Jellyfish? Naga really should see this…"

"Akio-san, HELP ME!"

"I am!" he said. "I'm catching your clothes so they don't get dirty!"

Xelloss sighed. "Should I help, or should I stand here and watch… while both would offer a certain amount of amusement…"

"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!! Get your slimy tentacles off me! Hey! Someone help me!"

Out of nowhere, an astral portal appeared above Xelloss and a hand holding a mallet conked Xelloss over the head. "Shut up and help Ri-chan!" a voice said from inside.

**sigh** "Hai, hai…" Xelloss floated up to where Tentacruel was currently doing very naughty things to me with its tentacles. "Oh, Dokukurage-san…"

"DOKU…?"

"Sorry, but I can't let you molest Reanna-san!" He scratched the back of his head. "I can't upset you-know-who, or he'll be quite upset, which would be most inconvenient for me… You understand, don't you?"

"KURAGE…?"

Opening both eyes, Xelloss held up his staff. "Now, I highly recommend getting back into that Pokéball over deciding to challenge me."

Tentacruel nodded, dropped me, and retreated to its Pokéball. Xelloss barely caught me before I landed on the ground.

"That was awful!" I whined. I looked up at Xelloss. "But this is nice…"

"Poor Reanna-san! How horrible!" Amelia said. "Such treatment is unjust!"

"That's an understatement… …"

"I can't wait to send these people home… …" Zelgadis said quietly.

"They seem like nice people to me," Gourry said.

"Baka! Yogurt for brains! Je—"

"Lina-san!" I held up the Pokéball.

"Riiiigggghhhht…" Lina muttered. "Well, we have a car to find, so let's go!"

"Hold on!" Touga said. "We haven't even tried summoning it yet!"

"Sayyy, that's right!" Akio said, snapping his fingers. "Go for it, Touga-kun!"

"Right…" Touga said. "Stand back, everyone!"

"What's he doing?" Gourry asked.

"I dunno…" Lina replied.

Touga suddenly turned to Lina. "Listen… … can't you hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"If your soul has not truly given up…"

Vrrvrrvrrvrrvrrvrr…

"You should be able to hear this sound…"

Vrrscreeeechvrrvrrvrrscreeeeechvrrvrvrr…

"Running about the Ends of the World…"

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeccchhhhhvvrrvvrrvvrrvrr…

"Then come, journey with us, to the world which you desire!" Touga spread his arms, his jacket unfurled like a pair of magnificent wings, and his hair blew in a nonexistent wind… and… no car appeared. However, we could still hear the screeching sound, as if the car was trying to come to us.

"Nothing's happening," Zelgadis said.

"Perhaps someone's chained it up…" Miki said. "So it can't come to us."

"Chained up? My little baby?" Akio said. "If they've even knicked it or scratched the paint, they'll feel a whole level of pain they've never felt before…"

"Akio-san, all we have to do is follow its sound, and we should find it!" I said.

"It's coming from that way!" Amelia said, pointing off into the forest. "Let's go! For great justice!" She ran off into the woods.

"Ikimashou, minna-san!" Utena said, following Amelia.

"Chotto mate!" I yelled, still pulling on my clothes. "You guys are all leaving without me!"

**FACEFAULT**

**********

"This is where the sound leads," Juri said as we walked into a cave we found in the middle of the forest.

"How did they get it this far?" Akio wondered aloud. "It's not as if I left the keys in the thing."

"It's not as if people from this world know how to drive cars," I added.

"It's cold in here," Amelia said. "And dark."

"RAITEINGU!" Lina said and conjured a ball of light in her hand. "I'm making the light spell really bright; I figure I can always cast another…"

The light spell lit up the cave about ten feet in all directions. Right now, the cave was just a passageway too narrow to even walk three abreast.

"It must be bandits if whoever did it is hiding in a cave," Miki noted as the passageway opened up into a large room.

"AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" a voice cackled. "That's where you're wrong!"

"MATRINA?!"

We looked up and saw Martina standing mightily on a tall stone column, with the Akio car chained to it. Sitting in the car was Zangulus.

"Aren't you jealous, Ri-chan?" Akio asked, pulling some chains out of hammerspace.

"Shut up!"

"Anyway!" Akio said. "I don't know who you are, but I demand that you give my car back! It is NOT wise to get on my bad side!"

"He's right," I said. "I wouldn't piss him off if I were you."

Everyone else agreed enthusiastically.

"You can't hurt me!" Martina said. "I have the blessing of the monstrous Zoamelgustar protecting me!"

"Are you kidding?"

Lina formed a spell in her hand. "Martina I don't want to hurt you, but… well, actually, scratch that…"

"Lina!" Akio said. "This is between me and… that girl over there. Let me handle this."

"Ya sure?" Lina asked.

"Absolutely sure," Akio said. He turned. "Ri-chan… come here."

"H… huh?"

"Come… … here."

"Eh?"

"Here. Come here."

"A… all right…" I walked over to Akio, who quickly grabbed me and bent me backwards and pulled a sword from my chest.

"W…w… how'd you do that!!??" I screamed.

Akio brandished the sword. "This is the Blade of Blatance! It's the most obnoxious, pretentious sword in existence! When handled by the right person, it can take down any opponent! Do you think you can face it… and win?"

"Th… the Blade of Blatance?" I muttered, just before Akio dropped me on my butt.

"Every self-insert in an Utena story possesses one! Now, prepare to lose!" Akio thrust forward with the sword and cut the chains holding the Akio Car cleanly.

"Sugoi, Akio-san!" I cheered.

"Now!" Akio said. "Come down here and face me!"

"Uhhh, Anata," Zangulus said to Martina. "Maybe we should just go home…"

Martina drew a sword from hammerspace. "No one's going home!" She jumped down to the ground… and landed on her face. She quickly got back up and held the sword up to Akio and thrust at him.

Akio parried perfectly. However, when he attacked back, he missed by about two feet. "What the--?" he said. "W-what's happened to my dueling skills?"

"Not so good as you thought you were, eh?" Martina asked, and swung her sword again. Akio held up his sword to block, but Martina's sword flew past and cut his cheek.

"I… Impossible! Has this been affected by the transformation as well?" Akio wondered aloud.

"What's he talking about?" Touga asked.

"I don't know…" Miki replied. **click**

"It looks like Akio-san is going to lose…" Amelia said.

I turned to Xelloss. "Xelloss-san, we have the Akio Car freed, but if something isn't done, Akio-san is going to lose! Can't you do something?"

Xelloss shook his head. "I was ordered by… you-know-who not to interfere unless you were in danger."

"But--…"

"HUAIAA BORU!" A powerful fireball flew toward Martina and Akio and exploded.

**********

"I can't believe I couldn't beat her…" Akio muttered.

"Any idea why you couldn't?" Juri asked.

Akio paused. "… … … … No."

Everyone looked at each other momentarily.

"Anyway, Lina-san, thanks for helping," I said.

"No problem," Lina said. "Now you guys can get the hell out of my world."

"Right…" I said, hopping into the Akio Car.

As soon as everyone was in, Akio started up the car, whereupon it disappeared from the cave.

**********

The car appeared again in a courtyard, surrounded by several buildings. Several people walked by in Ohtori uniforms.

Nanami grinned. "This looks like Ohtori to me!"

"Wait…" Touga said. "Something's not right here…"

"How so, moron?" Saionji asked.

"There are a few things that just don't look right."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Look." Touga pointed to Akio's tower, which seemed to have been ripped off its foundation and attached to a tall stone column.

"Ow."

"The HELL?" Akio yelled. "What's happened to my tower?!"

"A lot of these buildings look… different."

"Wait a minute…" I said. "I think we're in the Utena movie!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Juri asked.

"Look, there's 'Eiga Utena.'" I pointed to a set of stairs where two figures were walking down them. One was Wakaba, and the other was a short-haired Utena in a black and white outfit.

"Huh? 'Movie Utena?'" Utena wondered aloud.

"There are Eiga Miki and Eiga Juri, fencing over there," I pointed out, "and there's Eiga Touga, watching them."

"You appear to be right," Miki said. **click**

Suddenly, the Eiga versions of Utena, Miki, Juri and Touga disappeared.

"W-what happened?" Saionji wondered.

"I… I don't know…" I replied.

"I think I see!" Akio said. "Since all of us but Ri-chan have an equivalent in this world, we've canceled the originals out!"

"What!" I cried. "But that's terrible!"

"We'll have to fix this somehow. How we do it is the big question."

Suddenly I felt something hit my head. I looked to the ground and saw a piece of paper crumpled into a ball. I picked it up, opened it up, and read it aloud:

Dear myself,

It looks like you screwed up again.

Since I'm so nice, I'll tell you how to get out of this one.

Get each cast member to play the parts of their movie versions.

Gradually, the movie versions will appear and

begin to play out their parts again.

Your job is the most difficult. You have to keep all of this organized.

You must play out the entire plot until the end of the movie.

All of you must enter the "outside" world at the same time.

Once you do this, you will escape this world and

all will be returned to normal.

Good luck. Dios knows you'll need it.

Yours,

The Author

"What?" Saionji said. "Is that girl insane?"

"Well…" Miki said. "We'd better get started."

"Right," I said. "Let's do this!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

No! This is not a joke!

Can we act out the ENTIRE plot of "Adolescence of Utena?"

In good taste? (Probably not!)

Has the author gone completely insane? (Probably!)

All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to

know the answers to will be answered in:

Ecchi Adventures, Episode 14:

"This Rose is Our Destiny!"

"Of course you do… … women are naturally attracted to men with phallus-shaped towers and cool red convertibles. And I have both… and you know it…"