The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio
Episode 14: "This Rose is Our Destiny!"
By Reanna King
Notes: I've been planning this for some time… and now it's finally here. I hope it goes well… First some news: Ever wonder what Akio would do with Reanna if he had her alone? Well… it's been up for some time, but I'd like to announce that the Ecchi Adventures fanfic/side story "Planetarium Night" is now on FFN… so please, if you like lemons, check it out and give the writer, my friend Furio, a nice review! Not only was it NOT WRITTEN BY ME! (So you can't accuse me for being shameless), but it is the dream that Akio was having in the previous episode. So, read it. You know you want to…
Note: You can tell which character is an Ecchi Adventures character and which is from the movie in this manner: For example, if the script (this parody will be done entirely as if it were a copy of a movie script, but it is a part of EA continuity) is speaking of Utena from EA, the script will simply read "UTENA:" and if it's the movie version, the script will read "EIGA UTENA:". Non-EA characters like Wakaba and Shiori will still be referred to as "EIGA WAKABA" and "EIGA SHIORI," (respectively, of course…) for clarity's sake. Non-movie characters… like… um… Reanna, Chi-Chi and Cha-Cha… will… er… make this thing significantly more confusing. :p And yes, Keroppon will appear in more than just the Nanami Cow scene.
If you don't understand it, just accept it. I don't think this will end up making sense to even me. I'm still a bit cloudy on the whole concept myself… The Evil Anshi torturing Reanna scene is from my RPG, Ohtori no Gekijou. I have no idea why I stuck it in other than I thought it might be amusing.
**poit** is the sound of a character disappearing.
(First, we hear and see a close-up of bells ringing. Next, we see Akio's tower. We can barely make AKIO and EIGA ANSHI standing inside at the top of the tower. The picture pans away until we see that the tower seems to have been ripped from its original foundation and is now somehow attached to a sort of massive stone column.)
AKIO: (echoing) WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE???
EIGA ANSHI: Oh, Oniisama… you've been acting so strange lately…
(We move past outcroppings at the tops of buildings until we get to one—the stairway to the rose garden. We follow it up… and up… and up… until we reach the top, where we see two figures…
FEMALE FIGURE: Exactly what's going on here?
EIGA DIOS: Settle down.
(A classroom. The front wall is huge, and is covered with chalkboards that are moving and overlapping each other constantly. We see UTENA sitting at a desk in the corner of the room. Most of the desks are empty. UTENA'S hair has been put up to make her look more like EIGA UTENA.)
EIGA WAKABA: Tenjou Utena-kun.
(UTENA turns to look)
EIGA WAKABA: How do you like your first day of school?
UTENA: (pauses to look at a script) Well… I'm sure I'll enjoy it here with a… (she raises an eyebrow) I'm supposed to say THAT?
REANNA: (pops in from the side) It's your part, Utena-kun! Say it!
UTENA: (sighs) I'm sure I'll enjoy it here with a cute girl like you around.
EIGA WAKABA: (giggles)
UTENA: (checking out the script) Do you think we'll get along?
EIGA WAKABA: I'll show you around school.
UTENA: What's your name?
EIGA WAKABA: Shinohara Wakaba!
**********
(We see a hand counting down 3, 2, 1. A sign reading ON AIR lights up.)
EIGA E-KO: Hi, minna!
EIGA F-KO: If you can hear us, listen to our voices.
EIGA E-KO: We are the Ohtori Academy Broadcast Club duo, E-Ko…
EIGA F-KO: …and F-Ko!
REANNA: (voice) That's EIGA E-Ko and EIGA F-Ko! Don't confuse the readers!!
EIGA E-KO: Will someone gag the self-insert?
REANNA: (voice) Woohoo!
EIGA E-KO: Never mind… Anyway, it turned out to be a cool, beautiful day today. A stylish red convertible appeared out of nowhere in the south courtyard, but otherwise, it's been your average day!
EIGA F-KO: And if you brought your lunch, you can enjoy it outside.
EIGA E-KO: You shouldn't try that. You'll be inviting a capricious self-insert.
EIGA F-KO: Haven't we already done that?
(We now see EIGA WAKABA and UTENA walking around the school)
EIGA F-KO: (voice) So if you're going to draw Keroppon on your boyfriend's back, make sure there aren't any monkey-mice in the vicinity.
(UTENA looks around the school as she and EIGA WAKABA walk down some stairs)
(We can see JURI and EIGA MIKI fencing beyond the two of them as REANNA joins UTENA and EIGA WAKABA. We can see MIKI watching in the crowd. After a moment, JURI wins. EIGA MIKI takes off his mask.)
EIGA MIKI: You are good. But I haven't given up yet.
JURI: (takes off her mask) Uhh… ummm…
(REANNA holds up a cue card)
JURI: Right. You look better playing the piano.
REANNA: We'll need a miracle to pull this off.
(JURI pushes her way through the crowd and wraps her hands around REANNA'S neck)
JURI: THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MIRACLES!!!
REANNA: Juri… it was… an… expression…
AKIO: Juri, better let go of the self-insert or the Mysterious Mazoku will get you.
REANNA: (as JURI releases her) Akio-san! You're supposed to be tracking Eiga Akio! If he disappears, it's your job to fill in for him!
AKIO: (puts his hands behind his head idly) I couldn't find him.
REANNA: Well of course you can't find him! You shouldn't be able to find him! But find him anyway!
AKIO: Listen to yourself.
REANNA: Juri-kun, better get back to your scene.
JURI: Oh. Right. (JURI runs back to the match)
EIGA WAKABA: (looking at Ecchi Adventures characters) I'm a bit confused here… but anyway, that's Juri and Miki. They call Juri "The Prince."
UTENA: I am the true prince! Like an eternal fire, I fight for love and justice! Come to me, my trusty white steed!
EIGA WAKABA: Huh?
UTENA: Nothing.
EIGA WAKABA: Either way… Miki, or just Mikky—
VOICE: Hmm? Oh. Never mind. (a hand comes out of the astral plane and whacks AKIO with a mallet)
AKIO: Ow! … the hell?!
VOICE: Heh heh heh…
EIGA WAKABA: --is only a first year junior high student, but he's cute and popular…
(As EIGA WAKABA speaks, we pan up from EIGA MIKI to a show through a window, where UTENA notices… … no one.)
REANNA: Hey! Where's Touga? He's supposed to be up there!
AKIO: I saw him a few minutes ago. He seemed unhappy about something.
REANNA: You saw him?
UTENA: There he is! (she points up in the window where his movie version was supposed to be standing. He's running to his place, panting.)
REANNA: (to TOUGA) It took you long enough!
TOUGA: (yelling) THIS REALLY BLOWS!
REANNA: I don't know… Utena, better get to the next scene in case Eiga Utena doesn't show up.
UTENA: Right!
REANNA: You too, Touga!
TOUGA: (silence. He has little blue depression lines over his head and a little rattley white ghost thing is spinning above his head) All right…
REANNA: Okay, everyone, let's go. Akio, go find yourself. I'm gonna go supervise the next scene.
EIGA WAKABA: … but his twin sister interferes, and he can't find a girlfriend because of that, they say. (EIGA WAKABA turns to UTENA, but everyone has left) Hey! Utena? Where'd you go?
**********
(We see a view looking up at Akio's tower. The sky becomes dark. Thunder roars just once before the camera turns to a bed of roses. It begins to rain. It's a small, circular bed of roses in the middle of the courtyard among several school buildings. We see EIGA UTENA running. She sees TOUGA on the other side of the garden. She continues running to catch up to him. Her hat falls off, but she ignores it and keeps running. Back in front of the garden, she appears to have lost him. She stops and takes a moment to catch her breath.)
TOUGA: (looks at the script) It's raining.
(REANNA and UTENA arrive)
REANNA: Looks like Eiga Touga disappeared for this scene.
UTENA: I'm not needed then?
REANNA: Nope, look. Eiga Utena's over there with Touga.
TOUGA: How many years has it been, since we last met like this. Remember our promise to go to the planetarium? (to himself) The hell? (correcting himself) Uh, I mean… we've yet to go.
SAIONJI: Stick to your lines, dumbass!
REANNA: Saionji!! You're in the next scene! Find Anshi and get your butt up to the Rose Garden in case one of you is needed!
SAIONJI: Dumb self-insert…
EIGA UTENA: (to TOUGA) Don't get me wrong.
TOUGA: Eh?
EIGA UTENA: I'm not who I used to be. I didn't come here hoping to find you. But I'm surprised. That you'd be at this academy.
TOUGA: How come you're dressed like that?
UTENA: TO BE A JUSTICE-LOVING, DAMSEL-RESCUING PRINCESS, DAMMIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I—
REANNA: Utena-kun!
EIGA UTENA: What was that?
TOUGA: Devils.
EIGA UTENA: (makes confused face)
(frogs chirp)
TOUGA: Just kidding.
REANNA: Touga-san, don't do gags from the show…
AKIO: And here I thought you liked gags…
REANNA: Urusai!
AKIO: Come on, Ri-chan, there's lots of time until I'm on… let's go have some fun…
REANNA: I think you KNOW what I'll answer to that.
AKIO: Does it matter? (AKIO picks up REANNA around the waist and dashes off, American cartoon character-style)
REANNA: Chotto matte!
AKIO: Woo hoo!
(meanwhile)
TOUGA: For my high-goal girl.
EIGA UTENA: (notices TOUGA'S ring) That ring… I see. You're engaged to someone.
TOUGA: This led me to this academy. The Rose Seal.
(Fade out, and fade in to the courtyard garden. It's stopped raining, and the sun is out, but drops of water remain on the flowers. EIGA UTENA stands in front of the garden. TOUGA has left. UTENA approaches the roses…)
**********
REANNA: Akio-san, you're so mean…
AKIO: Come now, I think I'm going easy on you…
REANNA: Akio-san?
AKIO: What?
REANNA: There's not going to be enough room for everyone in the Utena Car…
AKIO: (smiles) We'll have the Akio Car, you silly self-insert… and if that falls through… I have an idea.
REANNA: What's that?
AKIO: Oh… well, you'll probably see eventually…
REANNA: Tell me! I'm the self-insert!
AKIO: That's precisely why I'm not telling you.
UTENA: (enters) Hey! Eiga Utena appeared! Does that mean I'm off the hook for the next scene?
REANNA: Uhh… better stick around off to the side in case she disappears again.
UTENA: Hey… you're tied up again. What's with that?
REANNA: Are Saionji and Anshi ready?
UTENA: I haven't seen them lately.
REANNA: Dammit! Akio, let me go, I have to go find them!
**********
(Meanwhile…)
ANSHI: Are you not afraid?
(EIGA UTENA turns and notices ANSHI)
ANSHI: Are you not afraid, standing there?
EIGA UTENA: So many roses.
ANSHI: This is my rose garden.
EIGA UTENA: Yours?
REANNA: (in that little spot off to the side) Anshi! You're not supposed to be wearing glasses!
AKIO: No! Don't have her take them off!
REANNA: Why? She let her hair down, now she has to take off her glasses!
AKIO: I wouldn't… you see…
REANNA: Shut up! Anshi, take your glasses off!
(ANSHI shrugs and takes them off)
REANNA: See? I don't see what all the fuss was about.
AKIO: (holding his head in his hands) You don't understand… …
ANSHI: (Walks over to stand beside EIGA UTENA) I'm the headmaster's sister, so I get special treatment. (winks) If ya know what I mean! O HO HO HO HO HO HO!
AKIO: Aw, dammit…
REANNA: Something's not right here…
EIGA UTENA: You… are strange…
ANSHI: (sidles up to EIGA UTENA) So… what did you come to this academy to do?
EIGA UTENA: I came…
ANSHI: You came? Did you come to this academy specifically to do that?
EIGA UTENA: (blushes) Now look…
REANNA: Anshi! What are you doing?!
ANSHI: (turns and sees REANNA, and gains a devilish grin) Must… kill…
REANNA: Eh?
ANSHI: MUST KILL REANNA!
AKIO: Great… she's become Evil Anshi!
REANNA: Evil Anshi?!
AKIO: The Rose Bride dress and the glasses both act as a seal on her powers. If she's wearing neither of them, there's a chance they'll go out of control and turn her into Evil Anshi!
REANNA: And you're telling me this NOW?! (gets pounced on by ANSHI)
ANSHI: KILLLLLL!!!! (ANSHI picks up REANNA and runs off with her)
REANNA: SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!
AKIO: Shit… now what?
(a hand comes out of an astral portal and whacks AKIO with a mallet)
MYSTERIOUS MAZOKU: Go and save her!
AKIO: Right. (gets up, turning to SAIONJI and UTENA) Stay here and wait for Eiga Anshi so you can act out the scene. I'll try to be back soon!
SAIONJI: But…
AKIO: Just do it! (picks up ANSHI'S glasses and runs off)
SAIONJI: So now what?
UTENA: We can't do the scene by ourselves, can we?
SAIONJI: Wanna duel then?
UTENA: … … yeah sure.
EIGA UTENA: Uh… … what's going on? **poit**
**********
REANNA: HANASITE!
ANSHI: (now dressed in a skanky black-leather-and-chains outfit) Ah, sticky cheese: my favorite restraint method of all! Now you can't get away, so I can torture and KILL YOU!!
REANNA: (stuck to a table with sticky molten cheese) B...b...but you can't kill me! I'm a self-insert!
ANSHI: That's exactly why I must kill you! Don't you see? Self-inserts are horrible, wicked beings that must all be destroyed! And I'll start with YOU! But first, a little torture…
REANNA: W… what are you going to do?
ANSHI: TORTURE, ROUND ONE! (she grabs a bottle of hot sauce)
REANNA: No, no! I hate spicy food!
ANSHI: Too bad! O HO HO HO HO HO HO!!! (she crams a funnel into REANNA'S mouth and pours the sauce in)
REANNA: MMPHHGGNNNMMPHH!!!
ANSHI: O HO HO HO HO HO! How's that taste?
REANNA: You… you're so mean…
ANSHI: (holding REANNA'S chin) Such a silly girl. It's almost a pity that I have to kill you. Still, it will be a pleasure! … but how to do it? Strangle? Garrote? Guillotine? Electrocution? Impaling?
REANNA: Akio-san… … help…
ANSHI: (frowns a moment) Ri-chan? How do you feel about pleasure before pain?
REANNA: Y… you wouldn't…
ANSHI: (pouts) Damn. You sure?
REANNA: Well… if it'll buy me some time…
(XELLOSS appears)
XELLOSS: Sorry, Anshi-san, but as fun as this scene is, I can't let you harm Reanna-san!
REANNA: Xelloss-sama! Help me!
XELLOSS: Certainly, certainly! You-know-who would be very upset with me if I let you get hurt! So I absolutely can't let you be killed, now can I?
REANNA: Xelloss-sama, thanks!
ANSHI: No! I've been waiting for this moment for so long!
XELLOSS: (opens one eye) Don't interfere, Anshi-san.
(AKIO stumbles onto the scene holding ANSHI'S glasses)
AKIO: Hey! Am I too late? What's going on? I got Anshi's glasses!
XELLOSS: All is under control!
AKIO: (hatefully) Xelloss! (making a fist) Damn you, Xelloss… either way… (pulls himself together and holds out the glasses to ANSHI) Now, now, Anshi… time to stop all this…
ANSHI: N… no… I can't…
AKIO: You must.
ANSHI: Why?
AKIO: Because you're holding up the story.
**********
SAIONJI: I win.
UTENA: I won! I'm the prince!
SAIONJI: Blow me!
UTENA: Eat me!
SAIONJI: Stuck up brat!
UTENA: Obsessive creep!
SAIONJI: You don't deserve to wear that ring, you little bitch!
UTENA: What did you call me? (she raises her arm in anger, but it's caught by a hand)
EIGA ANSHI: Give me… give me that ring!
UTENA: No! It's mine!
EIGA ANSHI: I want one of those!
UTENA: No!
EIGA ANSHI: But I want one!
UTENA: It's mine! It's the mark of the rose!
SAIONJI: Does something about this not seem right to you?
EIGA ANSHI: How do you know that name?
EIGA SAIONJI: What are you doing?
SAIONJI: Shit! (dives off to the side to hide)
(UTENA looks behind her and sees SAIONJI, holding a sword. EIGA ANSHI runs over to EIGA SAIONJI, holding her hands behind her back. She turns to look back at UTENA with a cute pouty look)
EIGA SAIONJI: Only authorized persons are allowed here. (EIGA SAIONJI notices UTENA'S ring, which she still has not put on) Sou ka. You are also a duelist.
**********
REANNA: (running up the stairs to the arena) Hurry up! The whole story could be falling to pieces, and if it does, it's my fault!
AKIO: Calm down.
REANNA: We have to get up there before the gate closes!
AKIO: You're making a big deal out of nothing…
REANNA: Well, what if Eiga Anshi disappears and she's needed? (REANNA gestures to ANSHI)
AKIO: No big deal…
REANNA: Now look…
(They reach the arena)
AKIO: See, everything's fine…
REANNA: All right, all right…
EIGA SAIONJI: Oh my. (runs his hand through ANSHI'S hair/strokes her cheek) You possess the mark of the rose and yet do not know THAT? (just after running a finger over ANSHI'S lower lip, SAIONJI pulls her close and kisses the top of her head) Perhaps you weren't meant to be my match in duel after all.
SAIONJI: What's that son-of-a-bitch doing to MY should-be bride?!
REANNA: Saionji, that's EIGA Anshi over there. Anshi is over here.
SAIONJI: I don't care! All of the Anshis in the infinite dimensional continuum belong to me!
REANNA: Isn't that overdoing it a bit?
SAIONJI: I'm better than all of the other Saionjis, and I—
(suddenly, a loud SLAM interrupts SAIONJI; the gate to the arena has slammed shut)
REANNA: Uh oh… maybe we shouldn't be here… we could get hurt.
XELLOSS: (appears) Don't worry, Reanna-san! I'll make sure you don't get hurt!
REANNA: What about everyone else?
XELLOSS: Well, they're not my responsibility.
EIGA SAIONJI: How vexing. One isn't permitted to duel without a sword.
UTENA: (mutters) Well, duh… (walks over to EIGA ANSHI) I have a sword.
AKIO: Wait, she's not going to try to—
(UTENA bends EIGA ANSHI over)
EIGA SAIONJI: Hey! What the hell are you doing?
REANNA: Utena! Stop!
UTENA: Huh?
REANNA: The broom! You have to use the broom!
UTENA: Huh? Oh… (picks up the broom from the ground, letting EIGA ANSHI fall to the floor)
REANNA: Is there no such thing as a smart Utena?
ANSHI: (turns to REANNA) Huh?
REANNA: Nothing, never mind...
(suddenly, EIGA ANSHI comes flying at REANNA, ANSHI, AKIO, XELLOSS and SAIONJI. AKIO catches her)
AKIO: I think we're a little too in the way of this fight.
REANNA: Maybe just a little…
EIGA SAIONJI: … … in other words, since I'm the current winner of the duels… (he rushes at UTENA) She's my POSSESSION!
UTENA: Possession, you say?!
(Sword and broom meet—the sword cuts halfway through the broom on the first blow)
SAIONJI: Maybe we had better move… around to the back of Eiga Saionji so I can attack him by surprise!
REANNA: I don't think we should interfere with this scene…
AKIO: (points to the lower section of the arena) Down there! We should be relatively safe down there.
EIGA SAIONJI: Her feelings? What are you talking about? (he cuts through UTENA'S broom, sending her flying backwards)
REANNA: Look out!
(everyone dives out of the way just in time)
ANSHI: (as they climb down to the lower section of the arena) Perhaps we should have caught her before getting out of the way…
(EIGA SAIONJI rushes forward again. He slashes at UTENA, but misses as she runs out of the way. He continues slashing at UTENA'S broom, cutting away pieces of it)
EIGA SAIONJI: You understand nothing! She is the Rose Bride!
UTENA: You're the one who doesn't understand!
SAIONJI: NANI?!!
UTENA: Is there a girl who's happy to be traded through duels?
REANNA: (muttering) Utena, I think you're missing one key point here?
AKIO: What's that?
REANNA: The fact that he doesn't really care…
AKIO: True.
(meanwhile ANSHI has amused herself by making herself a crown and necklace out of the roses)
SAIONJI: Anshi… what are you doing?
ANSHI: Aren't they pretty?
EIGA SAIONJI: You are… … a girl!
UTENA: (scoffs) That is so sexist! (pause) I mean… uh… I NEVER SAID I WAS A GUY!
REANNA: Cripes, is he blind or something?
XELLOSS: This is anime, after all…
REANNA: That's no excuse…
EIGA SAIONJI: Let's call it quits. You really don't understand anything. (EIGA SAIONJI whacks away UTENA'S broom handle again and raises his sword) It's now over!
(EIGA ANSHI jumps in front of EIGA SAIONJI, and pushes UTENA down into the lower part of the square)
AKIO: Cripes, are they TRYING to run into us?
REANNA: (slyly) Pick up that "cripes" catch phrase from me, Akio-san?
EIGA SAIONJI: Anshi!
(as EIGA ANSHI and UTENA fall, EIGA ANSHI says: )
EIGA ANSHI: One isn't permitted to duel without a sword! (she leans forward and kisses UTENA)
UTENA: Hey…
AKIO: (grumpily) Why can't OUR Anshi be like that?
REANNA: A lesbian?
AKIO: (sweatdrop) I think you know what I mean…
(Suddenly, red rose petals fly through the air… … UTENA has won the battle. The duel bells ring to signal the end of the duel. UTENA glares back at EIGA SAIONJI. EIGA ANSHI smiles at UTENA)
REANNA: Whew… that's another scene out of the way…
(Suddenly a small boy's shoe flies through the air and hits REANNA on the head)
REANNA: Ow!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Confused yet?
Can our pathetic self-insert keep it together?
Will the following scenes go off without a hitch?
Will Reanna suffer injury from being hit by young Touga's shoe?
All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to
know the answers to will be answered in:
The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Fifteen:
"Fiancee ni Naritai!"
"Ah, sticky cheese: my favorite restraint method of all!"