The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio
Episode 19: "Belladonna no Wana"
By Reanna King
NOTES: School's finally over for the semester! Time to finish this! It's really about time that I get this going, so here I go, plunging headlong into the last episode of the Ecchi Adventures movie parody. Not sure what I'll do next, but I have plenty of time to think about that. I'm also trying to decide whether I should go back to previous episodes and do some revising of things that are stupid/ not quite right. On one hand I feel like I should preserve the story the way it's always been… but on the other hand, I feel like there are some things that should be revised, like typos, incorrect uses of Japanese, and the occasional really really stupid line. I wouldn't change any of the content or change any scenes, so the stories themselves wouldn't be changed at all; just the way they're told. If anyone has any input on this, I'd be glad to hear it. Okay, in advance: the car scene is VERY VERY HENTAI. So DON'T blame me when you read it and go O_o. Notice the presence of the "N'T" after "DO."
(We see EIGA UTENA chasing after EIGA ANSHI)
EIGA UTENA: Himemiya! … Himemiya!
(We see the tape again. In the background is a sheet hanging up. In the foreground is one empty glass and one full glass. In the midground, all that we see of ANSHI is her knee. AKIO walks slowly over to her. He reaches for her, but then draws his hand back.)
AKIO: You… weren't asleep?
(EIGA UTENA: Himemiya! … Himemiya!)
(ANSHI sits up… … to AKIO'S horror, she's not wearing her glasses)
AKIO: Where… where did your glasses go? They can't have fallen off…
EVIL ANSHI: You were careless, Onii-sama. (looks evilly at AKIO. She leaps to her feet and grabs the knife that was meant to be stabbed into her)
AKIO: Shit! She's pissed! (turns to the side) Chi Chi, Cha Cha, where did her glasses go?... (he looks closely at them) W… what happened to you? Did someone beat you up? (he examines them closely) What's this drawn on your back?
VOICE: Keroppon!
AKIO: Eh?
EIGA UTENA: (going in a door) Himemiya! Himemiya! (the door reads: VISITING ROOM) Himemiya?
EVIL ANSHI: Prepare to suffer, dear brother!
AKIO: (to the camera) Saionji! Turn the tape off and get over here and help me! Hey!
(no reply)
AKIO: Saionji? Hey! What happened to you? What's this drawn on your back?
VOICE: Keroppon! (KEROPPON leaps at AKIO, huge mallet in hand)
AKIO: What the hell are you?!
KEROPPON: KEROPPON! (the evil little thing laughs evilly)
AKIO: Screw the glasses, I'm getting out of here!
EVIL ANSHI: Oh, no you don't! It's time for a little payback! Then I can go get the self-insert!
AKIO: Gah! Stay away from Ri-chan! I need her to kill Evil Akio!
EVIL ANSHI: Is that all?
AKIO: No.
EVIL ANSHI: I knew it!
AKIO: If you kill her before I sleep with her, my personal pride will suffer. I can't let you kill her before I sleep with her first! (eyes widen, looks at camera) Reanna! If you're watching this, … damn, you probably are watching this… I didn't mean it quite like that! (looks back at an angry EVIL ANSHI) I mean… uh…
KEROPPON: (waves its arms) Keroppon.
(The sheet hanging in the background pulls itself away from the wall and twists itself into a huge mallet)
AKIO: The HELL?!
KEROPPON: Kero! Pon!
AKIO: Hit me with that thing if you want, you creepy little whatever-you-are! No matter what shape it's in, it's still just a sheet!
(WHACK! AKIO flies across the room under a table)
AKIO: That… really hurt…
KEROPPON: (evilly) Pon… Kero pon pon!
EVIL ANSHI: I don't know what you think you've are, but you've annoyed me. Cut it out now and your suffering will be minimal.
KEROPPON: KEROPPON!
(The sheet-mallet smacks EVIL ANSHI across the room)
KEROPPON: (laughs) KEROPPON, KEROPPON! PON PON KEROPPON! (laughs)
(The sheet-mallet swings once more at the camera, and the video turns to static)
(REANNA and AKIO finish watching the tape on a little TV in a small, dark room)
REANNA: "Your personal pride?" You jerk.
AKIO: Hey, what were you expecting me to say? Hey, and don't you have anything to say about what me and Anshi went through to make that tape?
REANNA: It was horrible! It was nothing near how it was supposed to look!
AKIO: Well, we don't have time to do it over. It's almost time to go.
(cut to EIGA UTENA, panting, in a hallway. At the end she sees a chair with a red road sign on it. She hears a car horn and looks at the other end of the hall and sees, on a chair, a blue sign, pointing left into an open door. Inside is a short hall with chairs lined along each side. On each is a blue sign pointing forward. At the end of the hall is a chair with a scrolling marquee sitting on it. The marquee reads: All engaged couples, please wait in the back.) EIGA UTENA goes in. The door closes behind her.)
(REANNA and AKIO'S video hisses back to activity. It shows EIGA UTENA waiting in Mikage's conference elevator. TOUGA stands in front of her.)
REANNA: What's this doing on the tape?
AKIO: I don't know. The camera broke while we were recording the other scene, so I couldn't have recorded anything else.
REANNA: Strange.
AKIO: (reaches for the switch on the TV) Ah well. Let's go.
REANNA: … wait.
EIGA TOUGA: Utena.
EIGA UTENA: Touga. Where is Himemiya?
(The elevator begins to move down)
EIGA TOUGA: Why do you want to see her? Do you also want the power to make miracles happen now?
EIGA UTENA: Does such power really exist?
(MIKI and JURI rush into the room)
MIKI: Akio-san! There's a problem!
AKIO: A problem? With what?
JURI: Going to the outside world. We can't use the Akio Car.
ANSHI: (she has her glasses back on) Then, how will we get out? And once we do, what will happen to the car?
MIKI: We can always summon the car from wherever we end up, but the real problem is getting out without a car in the first place.
AKIO: Relax. I have a backup plan that should work.
(THE TAPE CONTINUES)
EIGA UTENA: About the time we separated. The time when you disappeared. I forgot it for some reason since I got here. Don't you remember, a boy drowned in the river by our school back then?
EIGA TOUGA: Maybe that happened.
EIGA UTENA: It did. There was a girl who fell in the river from a boat. A boy jumped into the river to save the girl and he drowned instead. … Why did I forget that until now?
(In the vision, young UTENA stands up from the bench, seeing that the girl in the boat has fallen into the water)
YOUNG UTENA: Tasukete! Tasukete! Tasukete! Someone come quick!
EIGA TOUGA: Utena—Won't you come with me? I'm here right now. I'm always thinking of you. I'll promise to love you until the End of the World. Isn't that enough? Let's be happy here.
SAIONJI: That's only assuming we've done everything here correctly. Not everything went according to plan.
MIKI: I'm sure that as long as we get the movie versions of Anshi and Utena to the outside world, we should be fine.
AKIO: I'm not sure. Ri-chan? What do you think?
EIGA UTENA: Wait! (she stands up to face EIGA TOUGA. She begins to cry, and EIGA TOUGA'S side of the elevator begins to fill up with water)
EIGA UTENA: (crying) Thank you. You really were my prince.
(back to vision)
(YOUNG TOUGA runs over to where YOUNG UTENA is standing)
YOUNG TOUGA: What's the matter, Utena? Oh no! A girl is drowning!
YOUNG UTENA: Wait! Don't go! Don't go, Touga!
YOUNG TOUGA: No! I have to go, or she'll drown!
YOUNG UTENA: But, Touga! You'll die! Touga! TOUGA!
AKIO: Ri-chan? Hello?
REANNA: …
AKIO: Reanna, we should get going.
(REANNA finally looks up, and rubs her hand across her eyes)
REANNA: Okay, let's go.
(Everyone leaves the room, leaving the tape playing.)
REANNA: Akio-san! What's your back-up plan for getting out of this world?
AKIO: We'll do what Utena and Anshi did!
UTENA: You mean turn someone into a car and ride out on them?
AKIO: Yeah, and it has to be someone who wears the Rose Seal. If they don't have a ring, the car won't have a key, and it won't be able to run!
TOUGA: Who are we going to use? Everyone but Reanna and Anshi have one!
(Everyone who has a Rose Seal begins yelling at AKIO about how they don't want to be turned into a car as they run)
AKIO: Okay, okay! I have an idea!
(Everyone arrives at the Rose Garden, which has already lowered itself to the ground. The car wash sits dormant, towering over them)
AKIO: Good! It's still here! We'd better hurry. (sighs, and turns to UTENA, TOUGA, SAIONJI, MIKI and JURI.) So, none of you want to be cars, huh?
ALL: No!
AKIO: (scratches the back of his head) Well… I guess there's just one alternative.
REANNA: You're going to be a car?
AKIO: Nope! … Ri-chan, are you wearing your Rose Seal?
REANNA: (eyes go wide) Don't you even THINK about it! This ring isn't even real! It's a piece of merchandise!
AKIO: **grins**
REANNA: Really! Look! It even makes my finger turn green!
AKIO: C'mere!
REANNA: NO!
(AKIO tackles REANNA, pulls the ring off her finger, and tosses it to the others)
AKIO: Hold this. (he drags REANNA over to the car wash)
REANNA: No no no no! This is going to hurt! I don't want to be a car! I can't even drive!
AKIO: I'll drive you!
REANNA: LIKE HELL YOU WILL! Let go of me!
AKIO: It's for your friends, Ri-chan! (he shoves her in)
REANNA: Ack!
(REANNA disappears inside the car wash)
AKIO: Now we just have to wait.
(Mechanical sounds ensue, as do continuous screams from REANNA… especially when her clothes are ejected from the car wash, ripped and torn)
MIKI: Umm… are you sure she'll be okay in there?
AKIO: She'll be fine. She's a self-insert. Self-inserts are pretty durable.
REANNA: AAAHHHH!! Hey! That hurts! Whh… what's that? OW! Stoppit! ACK! That's hot! Lemme go lemme go lemme go lemme go-- -- what's that for? You're not going to—OUCH!
UTENA: I wonder what kind of car Reanna's gonna be…
(The columns of the car wash move aside, and a misshapen purple convertible drives out. Of course, its license plate reads "REANNA.")
AKIO: (runs his hand across the car) Ri-chan? That you?
REANNA CAR: Hey! Don't touch me there!
TOUGA: Hey… Reanna's ring turned into a key! (he tosses it to AKIO)
AKIO: Great! (he opens REANNA CAR'S door and moves the key toward the keyhole)
REANNA CAR: No! (she drives herself forward a few feet and knocks AKIO to the ground)
SAIONJI: How did she do that without a key?
AKIO: C'mon, Ri-chan, we have to hurry! Just let me put the key in! (he dives into the front seat and tries sticking the key in again)
REANNA CAR: Nononononono! (she drives around in circles, trying to get AKIO off of her)
AKIO: Ri-chan, a car can't run without its key!
REANNA CAR: Then how come I'm running right now?!
(AKIO slams his foot on the brakes and REANNA CAR screeches to a stop)
REANNA CAR: Ack! Hey, stop that!
AKIO: Sorry about this, Ri-chan! (he sticks the key in and turns it)
REANNA CAR: AAHHHHHHH!!!! (REANNA CAR'S engine starts, sounding vaguely erotic)
AKIO: Okay, everyone hurry up and get in!
(Everyone hops into the car)
REANNA CAR: Saionji, get your feet off the back of my seat please!
SAIONJI: S… sorry…
REANNA CAR: Seatbelts, everyone!
EVERYONE: Haaaaai. (numerous seatbelt clicks)
REANNA CAR: Okay, let's go! Akio, you're gonna pay for this! (she drives off into the distance with everyone inside)
UTENA: Hey look, there's something painted on the road…
(We see a view of the road ahead of her. Gradually, words appear instead of the lines down the center, reading first: CAUTION, then: DANGER AHEAD, then YOU WILL DIE.)
REANNA CAR: Are you sure this is a good idea?
AKIO: (driving) Ri-chan, what have I done that would lead you to not trust me? … … Actually, don't answer that. Just trust me!
(REANNA CAR drives through a shaft of light, and her radio comes to life.)
VOICE: Hey, everyone! You're off to a good start!
TOUGA: Reanna? Are you talking through the radio?
VOICE: Not quite. I'm the Reanna that sent the note you got when you first arrived here.
REANNA CAR: She's the cruel Reanna that subjects me to all this stuff, and for her own entertainment!
VOICE: Aw, you don't have to put it that way.
MIKI: Wait… if we have the writer of the story here, aren't we pretty much guaranteed to get out of here safely?
VOICE: Yeah, pretty much. But you might as well make an effort anyway. Anyway, you don't need to necessarily beat the movie Utena and Anshi to the outside world, or even get there when they do. Just make sure that nothing and no one else is with you when you leave this world. There's no telling what might happen then.
UTENA: What do you mean?
VOICE: Something might happen, but maybe not. Okay, guys! Have fun, and do your best! Bye!
ANSHI: Everyone, look! There's something gaining on us from behind!
REANNA CAR: Is it Shiori?
ANSHI: No, it's a red car that looks like a… alligator?
AKIO: Keroppon? That's impossible!
(The red car drives up beside REANNA CAR. It is indeed KEROPPON.)
KEROPPON CAR: Kero! Pon! (it rams into REANNA CAR, creating a huge dent)
REANNA CAR: Yeek! Leave me alone!
AKIO: Shit! He's a lot stronger than us, and probably faster! I wonder if this car has any cool gadgets… Ri-chan, what do all these buttons do?
REANNA CAR: I don't know! Try one!
(A hose from underneath KEROPPON CAR sprays some black gunk all over REANNA CAR'S windshield)
REANNA CAR: Ick! I can't see! What is this?!
AKIO: I can't see! Where are the windshield wipers? (he pushes a random button, and REANNA CAR'S hood pops open)
REANNA CAR: Hey!
AKIO: Sorry! (pushes another button, and the windshield wipers start working)
KEROPPON CAR: Kero! Pon!
(A hole opens up in the side of KEROPPON CAR. With a loud crack, something shoots out of it and blows a small hole through the back of REANNA CAR)
REANNA CAR: AAaaahhh! Akio-san!
TOUGA: What happened?
REANNA CAR: It… it shot me!
AKIO: Ri-chan, can't you use your powers?
REANNA CAR: They haven't recovered yet!
(KEROPPON CAR blasts another hole)
REANNA CAR: AAHHHH! Akio-san, help!
AKIO: He's faster than us! I can't get away!
SAIONJI: Hang in there, Reanna! Now's your chance to be useful for once!
REANNA CAR: Hey!
JURI: Look, we're already pretty far. There's the wreck of the first Shiori car.
(Something begins pounding the sides of REANNA CAR)
REANNA CAR: He's throwing debris at me! Akio-san, make him stop! AAHHHHHH!!!
AKIO: Ri-chan, what's wrong? What happened?
REANNA CAR: (beginning to lose control) Something… something in… tail pipe…
AKIO: Ri-chan, you have to keep going!
REANNA CAR: I can't keep going like this! It's dangerous, but somebody has to get rid of it!
UTENA: I'll do it! I'm a prince who rescues princesses! Or… a prince who rescues cars… or… something… (she climbs out of the back seat) Anshi, hold on to me while I try and reach it!
ANSHI: Yes, Prince Utena! (ANSHI grabs onto UTENA, while UTENA lowers herself over the back of the car, coming dangerously close to falling off)
UTENA: Almost… I got it! (ANSHI pulls UTENA back into the car) It's one of the cones that the Shiori car ran over.
REANNA CAR: Thanks, Utena!
AKIO: That dirty little… that's it, I'm trying this switch! It's still behind us, let's see what happens. (he flips the switch)
REANNA CAR: AAHHHhhhhhhhh!! Akio-san, what did you just do?!
AKIO: I just flicked a switch!
REANNA CAR: Well, don't flick it again if you want me to keep driving straight!
AKIO: Hold on, a little screen lit up saying, "toggle switch to trigger attack."
REANNA CAR: I don't want you toggling anything!
AKIO: Too late! (AKIO flips the switch back and forth, triggering a humming sound, sounding like an electric device charging up power)
REANNA CAR: AAAHHH!! Cut it out! Cut it out! (she sways to the side)
AKIO: Ri-chan, try to drive straight!
REANNA CAR: THEN STOP DOING THAT!
AKIO: Okay, here we go! (he flicks the switch one last time)
REANNA CAR: ^*^@%$#@%%#&^*&$^*%@%$#@$#^%#*$^%$@#%$#@^%&!!!!!
(The horn honks. The headlights blink. Gauges go nuts)
TOUGA: (looking out the back of the car) Jeez! Akio, what did you do?
JURI: (sweatdropping) What does it SOUND like?
AKIO: Huh?
TOUGA: I think you broke something!
AKIO: Why?
TOUGA: The Reanna Car is leaking something!
MIKI: **BLUSH**
REANNA CAR: Akio, you jerk!
AKIO: I like you as a car, Ri-chan!
REANNA CAR: I hate this…
JURI: Hey, look!
(KEROPPON CAR has begun swerving back and forth on the road. Finally, it loses control and crashes, going up in flames)
AKIO: Boo-yah! We did it!
VOICE: Good job, guys! You handled that well! You're almost… wait… what the… What the hell is that?!
AKIO: What? What is what?
VOICE: Wh… I… br…kng… up… lo… ut… ming… ore…
AKIO: Hey! Omnipresent voice! You're breaking up!
VOICE: Look ou… don… ve u… ou mu… … ke … na… ga… (the radio dies)
SAIONJI: Oh, we're inside the tunnel. It looks like we're on our own again.
AKIO: (checks the mirrors) What was it that she saw? I don't see anything, except the wrecks of all these Shiori cars. Ri-chan, do you see anything?
REANNA CAR: No… looks like the coast is clear. (she slows down a bit)
UTENA: Hey, Reanna-sempai! Don't slow down! If something happens, you won't be going fast enough to get away!
REANNA CAR: But… I'm nervous…
TOUGA: C'mon, I wanna get out of this creepy place.
SAIONJI: Rijichou…
AKIO: I've got it.
(AKIO flips the switch one more time)
REANNA CAR: YEEEEEEEKKK!! (she speeds forward)
(The tunnel rings with multiple metallic clanging sounds—several hooks reach out and hook themselves onto the REANNA CAR'S frame)
JURI: (eyebrows raise) This is getting bizarre.
REANNA CAR: I'm gonna have a word with the author after this episode! Owwww…
AKIO: Car bondage? Kinky…
REANNA CAR: SHUT UP! (Peeling out on the ground until she backfires—the car shuts down) I wore myself out… I can't move…
AKIO: Great job, Ri-chan! We could have just freed you…
REANNA CAR: You weren't doing anything before!
AKIO: It's your fault for struggling so much! No problem… you should just start right up again. (he turns the key)
REANNA CAR: Ack! Akio!
AKIO: Be quiet! (tries again)
REANNA CAR: AAAGGGHHH!!
JURI: So if putting the key in is like… you know… and getting hooked is like being tied up, what's the equivalent of gagging her?
AKIO: If you figure it out, tell me. I just might do it.
SAIONJI: Maybe if you took out the horn?
TOUGA: Nah. She could still speak.
REANNA CAR: This is really cruel!
AKIO: One more time! (turns the key—this time the REANNA CAR starts up again) Finally! Someone get out and get those hooks off!
(Everyone but AKIO jump out and work on removing the hooks from the REANNA CAR'S frame)
MULTIPLE VOICES: Keroppon!
ANSHI: Why did she make the speaker anonymous if it's obvious who it is?
ANOTHER VOICE: Don't question me! Oh, and Reanna?
REANNA CAR: What?
VOICE: I want to apologize in advance to you.
REANNA CAR: Apologize in advance? For what?
VOICE: You'll… find out. And don't ask why I can suddenly speak to you while you're in the tunnel.
AKIO: Why can you suddenly speak to us while we're in the tunnel?
VOICE: Because I'm the author. You don't seriously I'd let there be a no-speak zone just for dramatic purposes, did you?
MIKI: Hey… the Keroppon aren't moving.
VOICE: I paused them.
AKIO: Great, now we can get away!
VOICE: Ah-ah-ah!
(The several hundred KEROPPON begin advancing again)
TOUGA: You bitch!
VOICE: Quiet or I give you a lightning bolt or something.
TOUGA: Yes'm.
AKIO: Shit, everyone get in!
(Everyone hops into the REANNA CAR)
REANNA CAR: (As she speeds off) Watch the seats! Ow! Ah! Ack! Owww! (etc)
MIKI: The Keroppon have… tiny grappling hooks! They're grabbing onto the car!
REANNA CAR: It's like tons of little needles! Get 'em off!
TOUGA: Why does she torture herself like this?
(A lightning bolt comes out of the sky [they've emerged from the tunnel] and strikes TOUGA, frizzing up his hair)
TOUGA: Forget I said it.
UTENA: Guys, the Keroppon are climbing aboard!
(The KEROPPON begin to spill like a stream into the interior of the car)
SAIONJI: Doesn't this thing have a top we can put up?
AKIO: Nope. Reanna always was quite the airhead.
REANNA CAR: Shut up!
(The KEROPPON have covered the REANNA CAR like a swarm of army ants)
REANNA CAR: It… it TICKLES! (begins laughing and veering off course)
UTENA: Hang in there, Reanna-sempai!
REANNA CAR: Like hell! GET 'EM OFF!
ANSHI: There's the Castle Car up ahead.
REANNA CAR: I've gotta drive through that with these things all over me?! Eiga Utena's job was easy compared to this!
AKIO: Just relax… I'll do the work, Ri-chan!
REANNA CAR: Call me "Ri-chan" one more time and I'll give you carbon monoxide poisoning!
(Meanwhile, TOUGA, SAIONJI, JURI, MIKI, UTENA and ANSHI are doing their best to bail out the KEROPPON)
SAIONJI: Ow! One bit me!
(The REANNA CAR enters the underside of the Castle Car—AKIO starts steering her past the huge wheels)
REANNA CAR: Remember, the car is my body, so try not to hurt it!
AKIO: I know that! (He abruptly veers to avoid a particularly large wheel) … Oh, shit…
REANNA CAR: (looks ahead) I'm gonna die!
(The wheels have aligned themselves so that they're a solid row; there's nowhere to get in between)
AKIO: It's too late to stop!
(AKIO tries to turn, but this only produces a useless screeching sound as the tires leave black marks on the ground. Suddenly – just in time, I might add – it all collapses in a shower of rose petals—there's a bright flash of light, and suddenly our heroes – and a few KEROPPON are seen on a bright pink background)
SAIONJI: What's going on?
REANNA: Doesn't anybody remember? We can't bring anything with this world to the outside world! We have at least a few dozen Keroppon with us! Who knows what will happen?
TOUGA: Reanna-sempai… you're naked…
REANNA: Eek!
(Another flash of light—when it clears, the setting has switched to a clearing that appears to be outside a forest… a cliff is seen in the background… at the opposite side is a small house. Surrounding them are several pools of water. Have you guessed it yet?)
TOUGA: Where the hell are we?
REANNA: Nggg… (she's laying on the ground—still naked—looking pretty banged up)
AKIO: Reanna? You're bleeding… What's wrong?
REANNA: (pops up for a moment) Do you even REMEMBER what happened to me while I was a car?! (falls back on the ground, eyes closed) Don't tell me… we didn't make it back to the Utena world…
AKIO: We have to hurry before Yami no Akio… er… (looks at REANNA) I guess you're in no condition to do that.
REANNA: Of course I'm not!
MIKI: She'll need a lot of rest. We'll have to find somewhere…
TOUGA: Let's ask that guy. (They turn to an Asian man who just happens to be standing nearby)
UTENA: Excuse me, sir? Is there a place nearby where we can rest?
MAN: Why you come here to rest? These the legendary cursed Jusenkyo Springs!
JURI: Um… what?
Will it never end?
What about the Keroppon?
How much fanservice will there be?
It's the ultimate Ecchi Adventures scenario!
All these questions, and some questions you never wanted to
know the answers to might be answered in:
The Ecchi Adventures of Reanna and Akio, Episode Twenty:
"Yasashii Ii Ko ni Narenai"