Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I don't tell him what to say, do, or even put the poor boy on display.
A/N: I have to warn you. This is a bit different than the previous parodies. And it's a bit weird. Hopefully it makes sense, given that it's an ungodly hour of the morning as I'm writing this.
Anyway, this is a parody of the concept of a ship.
"5 minutes!" hollered Jim, striding into a poorly lit underground office.
"5 minutes what?" Harry softly asked Kevin, sitting in the nexus of it all.
"The delegations have 5 more minutes do decide upon their spokesperson," Kevin answered.
"Delegation? Spokesperson?" Harry quietly asked, completely confused.
"Sssshhh," Kevin insisted. "You're just here as an observer. If any of them knew you were watching, there'd be pure chaos. Just make sure you keep you hood on over your face."
Finally, a tiny man stood up and announced, "The delegations have decided. Would each spokesperson stand up and announce themselves?"
Six muggles, apparently dressed like ordinary citizens, except showing signs of caring way too much about who a fictional character dated, stood up one at a time.
"Christy, representing Ron-Hermione."
"Sebastian, representing Harry-Ginny."
"Kenny, representing Harry-Draco." Several of the other members shuddered for effect.
"Jon, representing Hermione-Harry."
"Megan, representing Hermione-Draco."
"Angela, representing Draco-Ginny."
"Just what is going on?" Harry hissed. "Why are all these muggles talking about me?"
"Shut up," Kevin said, and then stood to address the crowd. "Uh, what about Harry-Cho?"
Jim, the project coordinator, said, "Couldn't find any more of them. Seemed to have all died out."
"Shame," Kevin said, shaking his head. "And he was floored by the girl. Definitely a shame. Well, we might as well get started. As spokespeople, your job is to convince me on the ship for my next fan-fiction novel. Christy, you're representing the 400-pound gorilla. You can start."
"Thank you," Christy boomed. "Now, a relationship between Ron and Hermione has the biggest precedent from canon. Ron's jealous of Viktor because of the Yule Ball. Ron asks Hermione to the Yule Ball. Ron glares at Hermione at the Yule Ball. So on, and so forth."
"I agree," Sebastian said in a high-pitch voice. "Ron and Hermione makes perfect sense."
"Oh, shut up," Jon shouted. "You just agree because it leaves Harry free for Ginny."
"Order," Jim said loudly. "Indoor voices, people."
Megan spoke up, "You mentioned several indications that Ron likes Hermione. What evidence is there that Hermione likes Ron?"
"Huh?" Christy said, taken aback. "I… I guess I've never thought about that."
"Ok," Jim said, moving things along. "Let's move on to Hermione-Harry."
"Blech," Megan, Sebastian, Kenny, and Christy gagged in unison. Angela seemed to just raise her eyebrows in skepticism.
"Harry and Hermione," Jon said. "It… it just fits."
"No it doesn't!" shouted Megan. "What shred of evidence is there for that?"
"Um, none," Jon admitted.
"And you still think that?"
"Yep."
"Despite Harry saying he enjoyed spending time with RON more than her?"
"Yep."
"And the fact that Rowling herself said that Harry and Hermione were like brother and sister?"
"If anything," Jon said, "that cemented the deal."
"Blech," Megan, Sebastian, Kenny, and Christy gagged in unison.
"Move to dismiss Jon's solution," Angela motioned.
"Aye," chorused Megan, Sebastian, Kenny, and Christy.
Jon scowled and grumpily slouched in his chair.
"What?" Harry whispered to Kevin. "I mean, who's to say that I just don't decide to ask Hermione out on a date sometime? That's pretty ridiculous to say it can't conceivably happen!"
"You don't understand," Kevin soothed. "You're going to find the love of your life next year. There'll be no one-time dates for you. Trust me!"
"What about Draco and Hermione?" Megan asked.
Harry coughed involuntarily. Kevin discretely kicked him under the table.
"Really?" Christy said with contempt. "What on earth would make Hermione pass up on Ron, and… horrible as it sounds… on Harry, just to go out with Malfoy?"
"He's starting to treat her better," Megan said defensively.
"What?" Sebastian said, standing up beside Christy.
"Yeah," Megan said, "I mean, I'm a lot like Hermione – I can put myself in her shoes – and Draco seems to be getting a lot nicer since the first and second books."
"Wait," Jim said, silencing everyone. "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to have to perform the fangirl test." He then held up a giant poster of Tom Felton. Megan began to go bug-eyed, and started to drool comically.
"I'm sorry, Megan," Kevin said, apologetically. "But we can't have to defending Draco/Hermione if you love Draco and see yourself as Hermione."
"Move to dismiss," Christy said savagely.
"Aye," chorused the rest of the voices.
Megan stomped her foot and had to be forcibly removed by Jim from the room (and from the Tom Felton poster.)
"Wait a minute," Harry whispered. "I mean, Hermione and Draco isn't very probable, but isn't it a bit hasty to rule it out completely?"
"Harry," Kevin said softly, "you just don't understand. You see, every student at Hogwarts is going to find the woman or man they were fated for. All next year. I've got to know who they are!"
Harry shook his head in disbelief.
"Kenny," Jim addressed. "You've been pretty quiet. Anything to say."
Kenny eyed the room nervously. "I think it's pretty unfair that there are all these combinations of a guy and a girl, but I'm the only one representing slash."
"So?" Angela said.
"Two words," Christy said. "Kids. Book."
"Goodbye," Sebastian said, yet again backing up his big-girl bodyguard.
Kenny looked around at all the hostile faces and decided to leave.
Harry looked at Kevin. "Ok," he admitted, "I'm not really of that persuasion. But… that was a little intolerant, don't you think?"
The delegates all eyed each other. After the preliminaries, it always came down to this… the knife fight. After all, it's been clearly established that the most polarizing issue facing today's populous is which girl Harry Potter goes out with – and the most hard core of each ideology aren't about to admit they're off the deep end. So Kevin decided to settle the final arguments with sharp cutlery.
Christy, Angela, and Jon circled each other in a deadly dance, warily slashing their blades. Sebastian mainly hung out behind Christy. He was good at that.
And the tactic paid off. Christy managed to handily defeat Angela and Jon, leaving them lying moaning on the floor. However, in a bizarre quirk of fate, Sebastian threw off his traditional yoke and stabbed Christy in the back.
"Why," Christy gasped. "Why?"
"Oh sure, Harry and Ginny is believable." Sebastian answered. "But everyone knows that Ron's going to end up with Professor Sprout."
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to hurt you for that," Kevin said, smacking Sebastian with his custom built smiting-stick.
Kevin regretted it, though, once he realized that everyone was dead, dying, or drooling over Tom Felton posters outside.
"Great," Kevin complained. "How am I supposed to make up my mind now? And where did Harry go?"
Harry walked in, holding hands with some unknown woman.
"Harry!" Kevin said angrily. "What are you doing?"
"Oh, her name's Carol," Harry said. "Met her just down the street."
"Harry," Kevin said warningly. "Get away from her. I'm trying to find you your soul-mate!"
"When you find her, let me know," Harry said, and left hand in hand with Carol to enjoy the sunset outside.
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A bit different… well, a lot different. I know. Still, hope you liked it.
Feel free to review.