Heaven is my sanctuary.
That's what I thought when I was alive.
Now that I'm dead... it is a different story all together.
At first, when a person dies, they lose all the pain they have. After losing their last breath, they lose all sense with reality. It's a dream, soaring through the sky, head up towards a bright light, and welcome home, you are in Heaven. Sometimes a person goes through the opposite, gaining torture and agony and welcome home, you are in Hell. There are other options in the afterlife, but I don't feel like elaborating on them currently.
The afterlife is screwy. Very, very screwy. I for one didn't know the demented side of all his happiness, golden light, and smiling faces. It's just a facade, a chimera. Heaven is... Hell. It is a reverse of the Underworld, yes. However, it is in the sense of scenery. While Hell has darkness and fire, Heaven has light and clouds. Hell allows drugs and rock 'n roll (why do you think Lucifer calls his "town" Sin City? AC/DC anyone?). Heaven bans drugs and allows only classical music (trust me, you'll want to kill Tchaikovsky and Mozart). Hell allows gambling and free sex. Heaven bans gambling and restricts sex to married couples.
You heard right. When you are married to someone, you are married for life. That also includes the afterlife. All that "ti'll death do us part" crap is only to fool the couple into getting married. Those are just words the priest says. That doesn't mean that in Heaven they keep those words. I think that's why I never got married. I only got shot a million times, slashed across my chest, and went through agony for a couple of hours or so. At least I wasn't married for all eternity.
In life, human beings have a choice. It is either one of the following: eternal torture in Hell or eternal happiness in Heaven. Of course there is Purgatory, and reincarnation, but sooner or later we have to come to the conclusion. Is it Heaven or Hell? Now, common sense tells us to act like a good Christian (or Buddist, or Atheist, or Islamic, or Judist -- whatever religion, Heaven is Heaven) and go to Heaven because it's the greatest place ever created since Disneyland.
Now, excuse my French, but I'm going to be perfectly blunt here.
That, my friends, is a bunch of bullshit.
See, in order to get into Heaven you got to have a good soul. Yes, I know, "No shit, Sherlock." Well, "Keep digging, Watson" is all I have to say to that. Heaven is a bitch to get into. You don't have to be the most faithful and religious person around. That's God's rule. But with everyone else up in Heaven? Oh hell no. Heaven is conformed. Heaven is complete and utter happiness.
Heaven can be summed up in one word.
It's... erm... well... gay.
It's very gay.
Heaven reminds me of the song from that old movie "West Side Story." That song where the girl goes, "I'm so pretty and witty and gay!" Well, that's how everyone acts in Heaven. Absolutely everyone reminds me of that girl in the movie. It's a scary thought, I know. And if you don't believe me, you better. Trust me, once you live around these people for a while, it gets really scary.
Now I wouldn't be "bad - mouthing" Heaven, for lack of a better term, if I wouldn't have been put on such a stupid and worthless assignment. See, two others and I went on this mission in order to get into Heaven. No, we didn't get sent to Purgatory. We were actually in Heaven. However, the main head hancho told us we couldn't get in. Of course we got pissed off (we were so alike, it scares me now), but we couldn't do a damn thing. Thus, we were sent on this mission in order to save all of humanity from total destruction. Not to mention, we had to save our "boss," his job, and his ass.
I have a feeling you probably know what is going to happen. First we get into the story, our heroes are given this conflict, they overcome it, and they live happily ever after. Well, you got the just of the tale and congradulations to you. It's more than that, though. I would give you details, but the story would be ruined. Anticipation is better than understanding. To some people this story is fantastic, to others this story is outrageous, but you have to judge it for yourself.
For me, this story is old, cliched and I am sick of it now. I never want to retell it again, so that's why I'm writing it down to everyone who reads this. Whether you read this on a dare or being completely bored or forced to read it or, hell, maybe it intrigued you, I don't give a damn. This is the story, the mission, the men I worked with, the hell we went through to get into Heaven, and all the troubles, laughter, and great times we had.
Yet, as I write, I still have a question.
It's a question that will always be constant in my mind.
How in the blue hell could they stand those godforsaken hoods?!