Title: Aftershock (3/?)
Notes: Sorry for the delay, six missing lines had me stuck for a week.
Previously:
Seconds later the phone started ringing again, "Donna, I mean it, I'm not going to the movies with you." She smiled into the phone.
"Jackie?"
Her eyes grew wide as she recognized the voice on the other end of the line.
"…Steven?"
After so much time apart he almost hung up the phone when he heard her voice. The fact that she was laughing made him irrationally jealous. He had been miserable the past month and she didn't sound like she was that broken up over it. Could it really be over? Should he have put up more of a fight, not given her time to think things through? A million thoughts tumbled around in his head.
"Hello? Steven?" the timid reply cut through his musings.
Shit. "Umm…hey Jackie…I…uh…didn't think you'd be there." He finished lamely.
"Did…Would you like to talk to someone else?" she questioned.
"NO!" he answered quickly. "No, I was hoping you'd be home."
"Oh…Ok."
He paused, unsure of what to say next. When he picked up the phone and started dialling, he didn't think anyone would answer, so there was no reason to plan. Now he was stuck with so much he wanted to say, so many questions he needed to ask, but no way of starting.
"So how have you been." Jackie asked.
Sad, Angry, Hurt, Depressed, Drunk (on occasion). "Ok, I guess." He lied. "Keeping busy…working mostly…You?"
"I've been better, no thanks to you." She couldn't keep the growing anger out of her voice.
"I guess I deserved that."
"Yep. You did."
Rationally he knew to expect some hostility, that everything would not be worked out in a few sentences. He did entertain some hope that she wouldn't be angry enough to hang up on him, that she would hear him out. Donna had even told him Jackie was more hurt than angry, which didn't make him feel better. To be the cause of her pain was a feeling he didn't enjoy.
"Kind of awkward, huh?" she said, finally breaking the silence.
"Yeah, I'm not sure what I should be saying."
"You could start with 'I'm Sorry.'"
"I'm sorry, Jackie." He had never meant the words that much in all his life.
"Thank you."
There was a pause.
"You could respond with 'I forgive you.'"
"I could. But I'm not going to."
"Ah…" There was no harm in trying, he thought.
"Yeah."
"Still mad then?"
"Yes." She snapped quickly, "No…I don't know." She sighed. "I was, mad for a while, but…I think I was more disappointed than anything, you know? And not even at you. I kept thinking that there was something I could have done differently."
"Jackie – it wasn't you"
"I know. Took me a while, but I figured it out. Wasn't you either – by the way."
"Wasn't-me-either what?"
"Who should have done something different. Look, Steven." She replied quickly. "After Michael I had this ideal for how a boyfriend should act, and I kept trying to fit you into it. And when you didn't I blamed you for it. I know that isn't fair, but it's what happened."
"I'm not perfect Jackie." He interrupted.
"Obviously."
Ouch. "Thanks."
"You're welcome." She said simply.
"I've been thinking, about…what happened," he couldn't bring himself to say the words. "and how it never would have gone that far if I didn't have these –"
" - trust issues?" She cut him off.
"Yeah, how –"? He started.
"Donna."
"Oh…she talked to you too, huh?"
"Yep."
"You think she's right?" He questioned.
"I don't think she was wrong." She paused. "About both of us having them, I mean."
"Think there's any hope for us?"
"Might take some time, but yeah, I think there's hope."
He let out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. She gave him hope, it was all he could really ask for under the circumstances. And by granting him this favour it was like the wall that had built up between them was slowing crumbling. They started talking about everything and nothing. It would have been like old times, but he realized they had never actually talked, as friends, before. Maybe this was going to be the difference.
~*~
"Hey, Steven?" she asked as if a thought had just popped into her head.
"Yeah?"
"Why did you call tonight?"
Perfectly good lies flowed through his mind, and before he could even think about how it would effect his macho dignity he blurted out the truth. "I wanted to see if you were still having problems sleeping."
She paused, processing his response. She formulated her next words carefully. "So…the first time you call me, in a month, was to see if I'm sleeping Ok?"
"No. I called Donna to see how you were doing. I was lucky and you picked up the phone instead."
"Oh." He could picture her nose getting all cute and scrunchy. "How often do you check up on me?"
"When I have to work and don't have time to see Foreman or Donna." He replied, confident his male pride was already shot, so why not admit the truth.
"Really?" her voice raised up an octave.
"Yes, really." He smiled. She was starting to sound more and more like the old Jackie.
"That's sweet Steven."
Four weeks ago this would have been the point where he cupped her face in his hands and placed a quick kiss on her lips. She would look up at him with the sweetest smile and he would pull her into his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head. Today, with a phone line and a world of hurt separating them he could only wish for a chance for it to happen again.
"Anything for you babe." He said softly.
"Thanks for looking out for me." She replied back.
There was a pause, both sensing they might have crossed a line in their tentative agreement.
"Can I come by and see you tomorrow?" he asked, needing some physical re-assurance that all was not lost between them.
"I'm not sure, Steven. Too soon, you know?" she apologized. "But you could call again, I'll tell Donna it's Ok." She smiled at the joke.
"Same time?"
"Same time."
"Goodnight Jackie."
"'Night Steven." He listened as the dial tone indicated she had hung up. Slowly he placed the receiver back into the cradle, committing to memory every word that was spoken so he could re-live it later.
Tomorrow would be their new start.
…to be continued.