Monica's Diary
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Friends Characters…blah blah blah…What kind of important person wastes their time reading these silly things anyway? Ooh, but I do own Matt, C, and Greg. Oh yeah, and I don't own 'Aerials' either.
Author's Note: Hey guys! I really liked Bridget Jones' Diary, so I decided that I would write a story in that format. The other characters will come into play later. Promise. By the way, some things in here get a little descriptive, so skip the paragraph you're reading if you get a little squeamish. Otherwise, please tell me what you think! I'm gonna need about 10 reviews if I'm going to post the next part…Ciao
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April 3rd, 2:30 AM
Friday night and I'm all alone.
I can't stand to keep crying like this. It has been so long and I still can't seem to get over it. Why can't I just let it go?
So…He hits me.
That doesn't always mean anything.
So…He does it more than once, usually.
He still loves me, right?
Oh what do you know…You're a diary.
He always does this on the weekends. He gets really drunk, and then he tries to have sex with me, and then when I don't want to (ya know, I shouldn't have to give in to him all the time, I can't have sex with a drunk person, unless I'm wasted myself and don't know what I'm getting into) he decides that I'm in trouble, and he hurts me. I can't stand it, and I can't keep hiding the bruises and cuts from my friends. I wish I had a family to turn to. When you turn twenty-five, you think you'll be able to make it on your own. But now, I have to. Mom and Dad aren't coming back anytime, so now I have no one to really confide in. Except you. You know all my secrets. Courteney and I don't seem to be as close as we used to be. I feel so separated from her, because I can't tell her the things that I most long to tell her. Greg won't let me. The immature bastard ruined my life from the moment I said "I do.". Those two words have the biggest impact on your life. It's crazy, I know. But it's true. Don't ever stay with a man that you don't trust with your life, and even then it's hard to tell. I felt the same way about Greg before I married him. And now look at us. I'm a mess, writing in a diary, while he's out getting drunk, probably screwing some chick he picked up at a bar, and then on his way home to see if he can get a good fuck out of me. Well he isn't. Not this time. Wish me luck, I think he's coming in the door.
10:30 AM
Greg's still asleep. God, I hate him so much. Why the hell does he have to do this to me? I thought I would make a good wife, and he, a loving husband. I had never seen this side of him before. I don't know what to do anymore. Not only does he hit me, but he actually raped me last night. Is it still considered rape, though, if you're married?
He came home, just as I said last night (well, this morning, rather), drunk, as usual. He stumbled in the door, looking for me. He collapsed on the couch a few moments later, so I left him there to sleep. I went to bed as quietly as I could, hoping that I wouldn't wake him. I did manage to do that, but I think he got up a little while after I fell asleep. I had stirred a little in my sleep, I think I might've been dreaming (but I don't remember it), when he was practically shaking me awake. I didn't know what was going on, so I pretty much yelled at him to leave me alone. But he persisted, and I started to get mad at whoever it was that was waking me up from my rest. The next thing I knew, he was on top of me, clearly still drunk (I could tell by his eyes and his breath) and started kissing my neck. I tried to push him off of me, but he was too strong. He fought to get all of his clothes off, as well as mine, which took him twice as long as I was pushing and pulling trying to get him off of me. Then it was all happening, he was groping me frantically, trying to get me to let him fuck me, but I kept my legs clamped shut. He managed to get my legs apart and slammed hard into me and I soon knew that there would be more bruises in the morning. He crashed into my cervix time and time again, I kept thinking he was going to break my hips. I cried the whole time. As soon as he had relieved himself, he got up, dressed, and left the room. He left me. The sick bastard left me ashamed. I felt so dirty. So used. So vulnerable.
And now, he's asleep in our bed. I'm usually the one who uses it, cause he doesn't sleep much anymore. Why does he keep doing this? I thought I had a good life. I thought that I deserved better than this. I would leave him, you know that. But I can't. I am so afraid as to what he might do. He could kill me if he wanted to. He could go after Courteney. Hell, he could go after anybody if I did anything about our situation. I hate being scared. I hate lying. Pretending that everything is OK. But it's not. I want my life back, but he stole it, and I'm never going to possess it again. Not as long as he's in my life. As long as he continues to cut the places that already will leave scars. And I mean that literally and metaphorically.
What do I do? He's not gonna leave me alone. He's gonna keep on treating me like a sex object. Hitting me when I don't comply. I hate it. I hate him. I want him to crawl up his own ass and die. I keep fearing that he's going to kill me one day. When I'm least expecting it, he's gonna barge in that door with a gun and shoot me. I shiver at the thought of him doing something like that. It chills me to my core. I want so much to tell Courteney, but I know deep down that somehow he's gonna figure it out. I can't leave him. but now I know I can't stay. I'll talk to you later…
8:30 PM
Greg finally left to go out and get drunk again. I think maybe I should go out and see Courteney. I want to tell her. I want her to know that I need her to help me. Without her, I don't have anyone. She's my best friend and I'm keeping a huge secret from her. Which reminds me, I don't want anymore secrets from anyone, so I'm gonna go get a prescription to get myself on the Pill. I don't want another secret, like pregnancy. I could never have a child with that man. Hell, he's not even a man. I don't know what he is. Evil is too pleasant a word. Evil is like cake and ice cream to him. I can't stand it. What the hell am I supposed to do? I need someone to talk to about this. He has control over every aspect of me, and I can't do anything about it. Why does the Lord do this? Hell, if there is one, why the hell does he put them on the planet? Even more so, why does he make them do this to other people? I can't stand it. I need to listen to some music. I think I'll put on System of a Down. They always make me feel better, even if they write depressing stuff. It helps me to know that some people have issues, too. I'm gonna listen now…
Life is a waterfall
We drink from the river
Then we turn around
And put up our walls
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all
Cause we are the ones
Who want to pay
Always wanna go
But you never wanna stay
And we are the ones
Who want to choose
Always wanna play
But you never wanna lose
It's a good song. I highly recommend it. It's called Aerials. Anyway, I'm feeling a little better now…I think I'm just gonna get some shut eye before Greg comes home. I don't think I feel like doing anything tonight, so maybe I'll sneak out after he gets home and passes out. That might give me some time…
Aerials
In the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life
Aerials
So up high
When you free your eyes
Eternal prize…
April 4th, 1:00 PM
Thank God for Sunday. He can't go anywhere 'cause a lot of the places are closed. I'm so thankful for God's day. Even if there isn't one…I haven't decided yet. I'm going out to lunch with Court today. I am trying to plan the perfect time to tell her about everything. About Greg. And me. And his horrible habits. And why I'm always choosing the outdoor restaurants so I can wear sunglasses. And why though it's freaking sixty degrees out and I still insist on wearing a turtleneck and long jeans. And why I change the subject when she ever asks about him. And why I always look like I'm hiding something. Because I am, and Courteney can see right through me. She knows something's wrong. We've been best friends since kindergarten. You think she doesn't notice? She planned my sweet sixteen party. She was maid of honor at my wedding. She was the one who lived with me when I was in college. She was the one who lent me money so that I could take care of myself. She was the one who came over to my apartment when I moved to my own place to help me fix freaking macaroni and cheese for the fiftieth time that week. I love her so much. She's always been my best friend. That is the most important thing in the world to me. And now, she can't know the one thing that I long to tell her. I even know what she's going to do. She's going to give me a hug, and tell me that she's glad I told her, and then she's going to tell me that it's okay to cry, and she'll take me back to her place, and we'll sit and talk forever. I know her so well. That's what she'll do. I just know it.
1:25 PM
Greg is such an asshole. He wakes up, and the first thing he says to me is, "Get me some water, woman!"
Yeah. That's friendly. I used to love you, too.
Courteney is going to be here in a few minutes, I hope my makeup's on right. I'm thinking about hiding my wedding band and just cheating on him. But then I know he'll find out and hurt me more than he did. I didn't bring him his water fast enough, and he hit me again. Why in the hell doesn't he just get so drunk he falls off a bridge and dies? Wouldn't that be just luck?
Ooh! Court is here! Must go…I'll tell you about it later.
4:00 PM
I couldn't tell her. Ya know, he still loves me in spite of everything…Right? He never told me he didn't…Well, only when he's really drunk and I can't tell what he's saying…He tells me he loves me all the time. I know he does.
At least…I think I know.
I can't figure myself out…Why is this all happening? I thought he loved me…
I'm gonna talk to him.
…I hope he takes it better than I think he will.
Wish me luck.
10:15 PM
Well, that didn't go well. I came into the living room to find him passed out on the sofa, beer in hand. What possessed him to take up drinking, anyway? He woke up and looked over at me with his bloodshot eyes. He grinned maliciously and I knew immediately what he was thinking. I felt tears welling up in my eyes as soon as he stood up and walked towards me. I got so scared. I tried to break free of his grip, but he just hit me and I soon stopped struggling. Better for me to just let him get on with it. He kept crashing down on me, I'm afraid I might become infertile, so I shifted my weight a little, and then he hit me again, pushing me back down so he could fulfill his own need. He brought my period on a few days early, and so I ended up bleeding on him. That scared him a little. That was the only thing that made me smile all day, besides being able to see Courteney. But then the whole time I knew that I would have to come home to this loser. It's devastating. I still can't figure out if it's rape if the couple is married. I might have to check on the Internet or something. Wait…He checks to see if I go online. Damn, he has control over everything. I can't even figure out why. Does he think he has dominance over me? He should know that I'm not a prize to own. I'm not a trophy. Or a sex object for that matter. But does he care?
I doubt it.
Damn it I'm gonna put on System again. They suit my mood…
April 5th, 9:00 AM
Grr…Damn him. He did it once again after I tried to go to sleep again. I hate him. He's ruining me. How the hell does he expect me to always give myself up to him like that? I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. He's always fucking me up and then telling me he loves me and he doesn't want to hurt me. Yeah, right. What the fuck do you think you just did to me, asshole? I swear…the only things keeping me sane are Courteney and Music. And if it wasn't for Cee (I call her that, and C and Court, just FYI) I probably would've committed suicide by now. The bastard ruined my life. Why is it that someone you trusted so much could turn around and change so easily? You think you know someone…That kills me. Depression sucks. This all sucks. Everything sucks. I need Courteney…
9:15 AM
I want her to come over. I want to tell her. I'm going to. I don't care if he fucking finds out about it. Then at least I know I can talk to someone and they'll know what happened before he kills me, and then they'll be able to turn him in. I hate the word 'fuck'. It reminds me too much of my life. And yet I still use it all the time. Why is that? I ask that too much. Why? Why, why, why, why? God, shut up woman…
I'm gonna call C.
She'll know what to do. She only lives about 10 minutes away. Thank God. Maybe I can sneak out before Greg wakes up. Otherwise he's gonna want to…Well, you know…
And I'm not about to put up with that shit again.
Dialing…
Ringing…
Oh, thank God she's home.
She's coming to pick me up. Thank God. I hope she gets here quickly. I think I might hear Greg. Whoa, if I leave without telling him I'll have hell to pay. But then again…I'll have that anyway, so what the hell?
11:30 PM
I spent the entire day with C. She is so understanding. I love her so much more than I ever loved Greg. But not in the romantic kind of way, of course. You know what I mean. The better type of love. The kind that doesn't die, or wear out, or get thrown out the window when someone does something asinine. So…I did it. I told her. Everything. First, we small talked the whole way home, about insignificant things that I don't even remember. All I remember was breaking down into tears as soon as the door shut. She immediately took me in her arms and let me cry before asking why I was upset. She sat me down on her sofa and got me a glass of water and a box of tissues and sat next to me. She spoke through concern. I spoke through tears.
"Monica, what happened?" She asked after I had quieted down.
"It's…Please, Cee, you can't tell
anyone I've told you. He'd…"
"Who's he?"
"Greg."
"What? What happened?"
"He's…" I paused, and I couldn't really get the words out.
"What, sweetie?"
"He's…He's…" I struggled with myself. I almost couldn't bear to tell her. But then, I thought, she needs to know, and I want her to know. She has every right to know what's going on with us. She has no secrets from me, why should I be any different? So, I continued…
"He's abusing me."
"What? Are-are you serious?"
"Yes, he hits me and-and abuses me, a-and sometimes he…" I choked on the words.
"…rapes me." I said quietly.
"Monica. I don't know what to say. C'mere." She gestured towards herself, and I crawled into her arms and cried.
"I don't know what to do anymore. He gets drunk all the time, and then he comes home, passes out on the couch, and when he wakes up, he always wants me to have sex with him. I don't want to, but he forces it on me. I'm so scared, Cee. I'm so scared."
She pulled me closer and started crying, too. "I'm here, Mon. You don't have to be scared anymore."
April 6th, 7:30 AM
I hope Greg doesn't wake up soon. I'm so sick of him I could just puke. What am I gonna do? I can't leave him. I'm too afraid. He's gonna hurt me again and again and still I can't gather the courage to leave him. Grr, I hate this. I feel so repetitive. Argh, why the fuck can't I just leave him? You wanna know why?
I think I might be pregnant.
That damn bastard may have knocked me up. And now, I don't have any support, and now, I have to stay. I need to take a pregnancy test. Hey, wait, I am on the pill, how the heck did it happen? I know my period has regulated itself, but noo…I'm gonna call C again.
7:55 AM
Hurrah! I am not pregnant. Oh my god, I was so scared for a while. C is so understanding. Why couldn't I have just stayed living with her, and not fallen in love with this asshole? But I can't live on maybes, and buts. No use in that. I'm going to see C and there's nothing Greg can do about it. So there. Just fuck him. He can just fuck himself. God I hate that word. Maybe that's why I use it to describe him. Cause I hate him too.
2:30 PM
You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna report him, and leave him. That's just it. C can be so influential when she wants to be. Ha, I'm going to do it. I can't believe it, but I am. It's time to pack my things.
I'm gonna need all the luck in the world…
So don't just wish it for me.
Here goes.
April 10th, 9:00 AM
I did it. I cannot believe I did it. He's out of my life. I'm going to live with C, and Greg doesn't know where she lives. He doesn't even know her last name. Serves him right for never listening to me. The abuse is over. The rapes are over. I haven't been this happy since my wedding day, and look how that turned out…
Crap.
What if it goes like that? What if C gets abusive?
No…She wouldn't.
Would she?
No. I'm just paranoid. I'm gonna talk to her about it.
10:00 AM
Of course she isn't. I trust her. And she totally understands how nervous I am.
"Cee?" I asked. "Can I talk to you?"
"Of course," she answered, a frown replacing her brilliant smile as she looked into my eyes with concern. "What's up?" she asked.
"Well, it's about…you know…"
"Mmm-hmm…?" she said, confused more than anything else.
"Well, I… and this may sound so stupid but…"
"Honey, it won't."
"I'm, uh…I'm a little afraid that, um…You might…You know…"
"Sweetheart, I would never, ever hurt you. Ever. You know I won't." she said, frowning more when tears welled up in my eyes. "What's wrong now?" she inquired.
"That's what he said."
"Oh, sweetie…I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean…"
"I know."
"Allright. Sweetie, I wouldn't. Trust me. I promise. Never ever ever."
"Okay." I hugged her again, before beginning to cry. She just held me until I had calmed down. She knew, without me saying anything, that I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything would be allright. That it wasn't my fault he was like this. I'm glad she's here. Well, I'm glad I'm there with her.
10:00 PM
I love her so much. I needed a best friend all this time, and she still patiently waited for me. I think I should go to sleep with that thought. It's so much more pleasant than the usual ones.
April 14th, 9:00 AM
I'm not writing as much anymore 'cause I don't have as much to deal with emotionally. But I'll still write. I promise. Today, C and I are going shopping for some clothes for me. I need to get a better, more fulfilling job than just Data Processing at some boring corporation. Women shouldn't do that. That boring stuff is for men. Heehee.
April 30th, 12:00AM (noon)
Well, life certainly is treating me better. I have a job as a waitress at this small café a little ways away from home. It's called Iridium. I'm hoping to do some training and become a chef there instead. I seem to have developed a knack for cooking. Well, since the macaroni and cheese phase passed.
As far as relationships are concerned, I'm not in one. Don't plan on being in one for a while. Plus, I have to settle divorce crap, hopefully get money from him, ya know, and I want him sentenced in the slammer for as long as they'll put him there.
Cee, on the other hand, is dating this guy, Brad. He's really sweet. And he's so smart. And real cute, too. It's not like I like him or anything, I'm just glad Court's doing better than I am. Of course, it doesn't take much to do that nowadays.
May 8th, 9:00 PM
It's my mom's birthday today. I wish she could've been alive to be here, and to see how happy I am. Of course, she never knew what happened. Neither did Dad. They would've had me out of there so quickly if they knew that anything was going wrong in that place. I miss them so much. But you know, they're still here, in some form or another.
I don't know why I wrote all that. I guess since I haven't written in a while. Oh well.
May 18th, 7:30 PM
I met a guy today. His name's Matthew. He's gorgeous, and so intelligent. And he's sophisticated, but sarcastic and he cracks me up. I just wish he didn't seem interested in me, you know, that way. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for that yet.
Or am I?
No, you're right. I'm not.
Okay, I'll just tell him I just got out of a relationship. Which I did. And that I'm questioning commitment. Which I am. And that I'd still like to be his friend, right now. Which I do.
But what I'm not going to tell him…Is why. Why I don't want to be with Greg. Why I'm scared of committing again. He'll just have to wait for that. I'll trust him soon enough.
9:00 PM
Cee is a great friend. She promised not to tell him anything. I'd be so lost without her. But still, I need to have another person in my life for a while, if anything. We'll just see how everything pans out.
It had better, that's for sure.
May 21st, 5:30 PM
Wow. Matthew is so understanding. He didn't even ask what happened to my last relationship. I would've expected him to. Hmm…
We went out for lunch today, kind of like a double date, but not…Like, C and Brad were together but me and Matt weren't. He didn't even question it. Just accepted the fact that we weren't together. Just so easily. Just like that.
Maybe he'll be better than the last guy I met.
May 27th, 8:40 AM
Aww, I'm so happy! My first week on the
job and I've already gotten more tips than the other waiters and waitresses
this week! Though, they told me that's partly because I am new, and they tend
to tip the new people more when they first start out…
But still!
I can't believe that I don't have many problems anymore. Greg is almost completely out of my life. The divorce is nearly final, and then…
Freedom.
May 29th, 11:30 PM
Something I've been longing to have for 3 and a half years. Since I was 23. It's amazing how much your life changes. It's good, though. But there's still something creeping around in the back of my mind, and I can't quite put a finger on it, or put it to words…It's so confusing…Oh well, I'll probably figure it out at some point or another. You'll know. At least, you'll know when I do. I think…Oh well, I don't make any sense. I was up late last…
…night…
That's it. That's what it was. It's because I've been having nightmares. About…you know. Greg, and his…habits. Argh, why doesn't he just leave me alone? He's crept into my thoughts. My dreams. Where it's supposed to be happy, it's not. Because he brainwashed me. To think that it was okay that he was hurting me all this time. And now, I'm paranoid. And scared. And I want to be with someone, but I know that I can't.
You know, I've only been with one man in my life.
The man who messed me up forever.
The man who stole my virginity and changed me for good.
The man who is…
Standing outside my window.
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