Monica's Diary ~*Part VIII*~
A/N: Here's part eight! And I'm sorry for making you guys wait so long...ish...for this...RIGHT! The story....here goes!
"You're on in five, Miss Minnelli..."
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From the last chapter …
I looked at him, not moving my foot at all.
"Greg, this is Chandler. Chandler, this is my ex-husband, Greg."
September 30th, 8:00 AM
I am so frustrated with Greg. You know, I kicked him out, literally. And I'm trying to press charges against him. But there's still something there. Something is holding me back… And I can't figure out what.
But you know… Kicking him out… was pretty much the closure I needed.
To be able to look him in the eyes and say, "You mean nothing to me now." You know? Like he did to me, basically. I'm still furious with him, but I'm not scared…
As much.
He still has the ability to do anything to me. But he has the ability to do anything to anyone, so I don't actually feel as singled out. He knows now, that I am a stronger person than I used to be. But he's still the only man I've ever been with. And I don't want that to be the case. I really should try dating someone, just now is not the time. I think.
I went to talk to Chandler, and he was so embarrassed and angry with himself for not noticing anything. He noted that TB had on not very clean clothes, and he kinda knew something might've been up. If I remember correctly, he said,
"If the guy has even met you, he'd know to wear clean clothes." Of course, he's right, you know. It's great how he always jokes around with me about my obsessive-ness, because that basically tells me he's okay with it. And I don't know many people who are. Which is good.
God, could I be…?
Nah.
I just need some time off of all of my thoughts, ya know? Some time to just be relaxed and have fun…
Hmm, a girl's night might be a good idea.
Yeah, I could have Cee, Pheebs, and Rach over, and we can have, like, a sleep-over, or something. I'll go call them, and we can arrange it for tonight. I don't know what people think is so immature about a night off…
October 1st, 2:00 AM
The four of us are having the best time. We actually got into a pillow fight, for crying out loud! I feel like I'm a teenager again, or something. Except, now, we can have alcohol. I hope you know I'm grinning over here. But, you can't see me, so what's it matter? Who knows, I'm a son of an ankle biter if you ask me!
Maybe I'm still a little tipsy…
Anyway, I think I might've sorted out my feelings. Basically, in terms that even Grommit would understand:
I hate Greg.
I hate Kip.
I like Chandler.
That seems simple enough, except, I like a lot of people, and I don't seem to know what kind of 'like' I'm feeling.
It's too confusing, so…
I'm going to go and play Twister, and have more Tiki Death Punch. I am so awesome at making cocktails, but I never used my skills, because I don't like drunks. Well, if you're smart, you can figure out why.
12:00 (noon)
Oi. My head…
3:00 PM
I actually went out today, with Rachel. She had less of a hangover, but we still needed a way to alleviate the pain. So, we went shopping.
We hit Bloomingdales, Saks Fifth Avenue, Ralph Lauren, the works. I don't think we missed more than two clothing stores in all of Manhattan. Rach and I had a lot of quality bonding time, especially since we spent so long in each store because we had different tastes. She's a lot more classy and uptown, where I couldn't always afford that. You see, Rachel was pretty much Daddy's Little Girl up until her wedding. When she realized she didn't want to get married to that sock-wearing orthodontist, her dad pretty much cut her off, so now, she works as a waitress at Central Perk. It doesn't pay all that much, but it still helps. Plus, I've been getting mucho tips at Iridium, so I could help her out a bit. It was well worth it, I'm telling you.
I told her about him. But you know, she kind of suspected something when Chandler told them about how I kicked Greg's ass. He was really surprised when he saw him in my hallway, but he also thought I was some sort of hero. I still don't know where all my guts came from. One moment, I'm cowering next to him, with a knife in his hand, and then BAM!
I hit him for insulting Chandler, he's out in the hallway, and I've got my foot on his throat. I mean, what's up with that? I thought I was supposed to be this inferior little girl, who gives in to anyone and lets them treat her like some sort of sex object. That's pretty much what I was taught, being with Greg for all that time. I never knew what it was like to be treated like an equal.
With a little dignity, and a little respect.
I still don't know how I made it. Through everything. It was probably because of my friends.
They were my family.
They were my world.
They were my life.
I thank God for them every day. I couldn't live without them. I don't want to even think about my life if they're not there. I'd have committed suicide ages ago if Cee hadn't been with me during those three years. Or Rachel, before her. And both of them, plus Joey, Phoebe, and Ross now.
And Chandler, forever.
I'm never going to let him go. Never ever.
Allright, enough of being so sappy, I need to go and do something else, besides sit here and write in a diary. I need to get out, somehow. Or maybe, I need to do the thing that I was supposed to do a week ago. See you soon.
11:00 PM
I am so glad that I did it. And that's the whole truth. The only regret that I had was that I didn't tell him sooner. I went to visit him around 4 o'clock, and I was so nervous. I didn't have to move my hand to knock on the door, I was shaking so much. He opened it up, and smiled, but then he saw the look on my face. I didn't know what my expression was, but I'm sure it wasn't pleasant.
"Monica, what's wrong?"
"It's time I told you…everything."
"You don't have to tell me anything."
"Yes, yes I do. So we're going to sit and talk, now, or else I'll never be able to tell you. And I want to, so bear with me, okay?"
He nodded.
"Can I come in?" I asked. He nodded again, and grabbed some tissues and tossed them on the couch, just in case, as we walked in.
"You want anything to drink?" He opened the fridge.
"Um, some water would be fine," I said, sitting. He put some ice in a glass, and filled it. Sitting down next to me, he turned and sat looking at me on the sofa, his legs crossed Indian-style. He watched me, patiently waiting for me to speak. I didn't feel pressured at all, so I just started talking. It was a long time before I stopped for him to say anything.
"You know, my life has always been a mess. When I was in grade school, I was really overweight, and my parents were critical of everything I did. Ross was always their favorite, and they compared my faults to that of 'The Angel's'. It drove me crazy. Rachel was my friend during my junior and senior years of high school, when Cee and I had a falling out. But then, when Rachel went across the country to college, Cee came back. She helped me lose weight during college. I told her everything. She told me everything. But then, I met Greg.
We met during my sophomore year of college, and dated from the middle of my junior year, to graduation. I lost my virginity to him, during spring break my junior year. But he was never as emotionally attached to me, as I was to him. Looking back on it now, I should have seen it coming. He actually proposed to me right after graduation. And, being that I thought I would never be with a guy who 'appreciated me' like Greg did, I accepted. We married within the year. He was so anxious about it, and I noticed that he was just as eager to go on the honeymoon. We only went to Niagara Falls. When we got there, he insisted on having sex within thirty minutes of arriving at the hotel. I thought it was just his hormones, but I found that he was just trying to prove his ownership of me. That he thought as soon as we had sex after getting married, that we were bound together, because we had consummated the marriage.
He was controlling, and bossy. He was a changed man after we married. And I was starting to wonder how I fell in love with him, or if I had fallen in love with him at all. He started up drinking, coming home late at night, sometimes not coming home at all. He left his job, and started using the money I brought in to buy booze. But I put up with it. He hit me for the first time about six months after we were married, and he kept it up, for the next two and a half years. His alcoholism grew stronger during our second year of marriage, and he raped me often. It was almost a daily occurrence.
Three years. Three years I put up with it. He drank, hit me, raped me, slept, and started it all over again. I tried so hard to cover up everything, but since I was still seeing Cee in secret, she figured it out. Of course, I had to tell her. And she helped me leave him. And I stayed with her. But then, about a month and a half after I left him, he came to her apartment, and nearly raped me again. My dear friend Matthew saved me. Much like you did. Matthew was just like you, except, he left me. He's gone. He was never more than a friend, but I always wanted something else. He never saw that in me. After he left, I moved out, and into the apartment I'm in now. Greg came back, and attacked Cee in her apartment, too. Which is why I made her move. She fell into a coma, for a long time, and I met you and Phoebe not too long after. Of course, you know everything from there, so I think I'm going to stop talking finally, and let you say something. Chandler?"
I looked at him. He was staring at me,
open mouthed, with a look on his face that I couldn't decipher. I took a sip of my water, and he finally
shook himself out of the state he was in.
"Monica, I don't know what to say. I'm really really sorry. Really. Come here." I crawled into his arms. You know, I didn't even cry. I was glad that I got it all out. And I'm glad he knows now. You know? I just wished that I could let him know that I'm ready to move on. That I don't want to be treated even more like a fragile doll, or some sort of bomb just waiting to explode. I want to move on, I just need to know how, and I want somehow, for me to tell him that I want him to be there with me, without really having to tell him.
"But you know, Chandler. I'm not sad anymore. I'm merely frustrated with putting up with all of this from guys. I'm ready to move on, I just need to know that the guy I move on with, isn't going to hurt me like everyone else did. I don't want to go through that a third time. Chandler, you saved me, did you know that? I was lost and scared, and you saved me. Don't leave me, please?"
"I won't."
He held me tighter. His arms always offered safety and comfort. I didn't want to leave them.
"But how can I move on?"
"Sweetie, maybe you need to be with someone who you trust already. Don't just get yourself into a relationship with someone you don't really know. I know Greg was a bad egg, but those things happen. And if you look at the bright side, you've already had your share of bad eggs, so maybe the right guy is on his way. You've learned your lesson, and now you have to get your reward."
"But how will I know? I don't want to get hurt again."
"Monica, listen to me." He turned my head so I could look into his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes. He spoke again.
"Anyone who would want to hurt you, never realized they had the perfect woman right in front of them all along."
Our lips met in a kiss.
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I'll bet some of you hate me now... : ) well, review and tell me so, if you must!