Disclaimer: (I´m sorry I forgot it the first two chapters...now this is for the whole story) I do not own Star Wars or the sonngs I used in this fic.
Lyrics: Sarah McLachlan, "Full of Grace" & Creed, "Lullaby"
Chapter 3: Obi-Wan's memories
19 years earlier, Valorous
Some years ago, when I was 18 and still Qui-Gon's padawan, we were on a mission on a planet called Valorous. It looked a bit similar to Naboo. Beautiful, peaceful and silent. The queen of Valorous, Kelendria Andiron, did a good job, her people lived in peace and prosperity. They loved her. But she was sick and she was going to die very soon. She knew that. So she tried to prepare her oldest daughter for the responsibilities of being a queen. But her younger son did not accept that. He wanted to take his mother's place. And that was exactly the reason why we had been sent to Valorous. We had to protect the future queen from her own brother. And that was, when I met her for the very first time...Princess Tamé Nessaya Andiron of Valorous...
"Your highness, master Qui-Gon Jinn and his padawan apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi..." one of the servants introduced us to the queen.
"Master Jedi, I really appreciate your help. And I'm sure you will protect my daughter as good as you can." she said coughing. She looked very pale and I could see that her life was nearly over.
"Skyla, please tell my daughter, that the two Jedi are here..." she ordered her servant.
"She is the most important thing for Valorous. She is the future. And I'm sad that we need to protect her from her brother." she told us.
"Your highness, your daughter is here..." her servant's voice interrupted the queen. She nodded. A few seconds later, I should see the person who would change my life forever. A young woman entered the hall, wearing a long, white dress made of silk and her extremely long, black hair loose. She didn't have to say a word. Her blue eyes told me everything about her. And so did her smile.
"Tamé, this is master Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-Wan. Two powerful Jedi knights. And they're here to protect you. You won't get hurt as long as they are here. Master Jedi, Obi-Wan, this is the future queen of Valorous, Tamé Nessaya." the queen introduced us to one another.
I was totally speechless. She was standing right in front of me and I knew I had never seen someone like her before. I knew that I loved her before she talked to me. Before we got to know each other. I felt it. I felt love. For the very first time. I had always been taught, that love would confuse my mind. But I had never seen things so clearly. It felt right to fall in love with her. I did not know why, I did not know how. It just happened. As you told me, Padmé. I cannot explain it, so I won't try it. There are no words existing to describe what I felt in that moment. It was as if we were soul mates. And we were, I know we were. And I knew that she felt the same way. I knew it when she looked at me. The way she looked at me, as if we had met once before. As if we had known each other from a former life. As if we could read one another's mind. I tried to remember what I had been taught for so many years. I tried not to be selfish and not to think about a feeling like this. But it just felt so right. And how could a book, that tells so many bad things, look so beautiful ?
In the afternoon, Tamé decided to go for a walk in the palace garden and Qui-Gon told me to join her. To protect her, of course. But I think he had known what had happened to me. There had been a revealing smile on his lips...
"So...you're going to be a Jedi, huh ?" she asked me.
"Yeah, right." I replied nodding.
"And you...will be the future queen of a whole planet...At the age of 18 ?"
"Yes. If my brother won't be able to kill me before..." she answered.
"I would never let anybody harm you..." I did not think about what I said. I realized it, when I saw the surprising look in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I spoke out what I thought and...actually I didn't think..." I tried to explain but she shook her head.
"No, don't. Don't apologize. I...I don't know how I should explain it...Obi-Wan...But just now, in the palace...Something went though me...The moment I saw your face. I... I know it sounds crazy and maybe I'm hallucinating, but..." she began to speak with a moment's hesitation.
"No, it isn't. It isn't crazy. And I...I think you're not hallucinating. Because...I know what you mean. That thing, which was going through you...I felt it, too. Actually, I don't know a thing about you. How you behave, how you are...but..."
"...you feel as if you've met me a long, long time before ?" she completed my sentence. He nodded.
"Your highness..."
"Tamé...the name is Tamé. So use it. Please." she interrupted me.
"Alright...Tamé. Since I have seen your face, since I have looked into your eyes, which tell me more about you than any words, I just want to be with you. Every minute I can't see your face is a lost moment in time. I've known you for a few hours. But I can honestly say, that I..." I wanted to carry on, tell her my feelings but suddenly she turned around.
"Princess ! Princess Nessaya !" a voice had interrupted me. It was a servant who had called out her name.
"Skyla ! What is going on ? Why are you calling me ?" she asked.
"The queen told me to search for you and to take you back to the palace. You have to prepare for tonight's festival." Skyla explained.
"Oh, I am sorry. I completely forgot about that..." Tamé returned.
"Well, I'm coming. I'm sorry I have to leave you alone, Obi-Wan..." the look in her eyes told me once more what she had wanted to say. Then she turned around and went back to the palace.
"You should prepare, too, master Jedi..." Skyla's voice shook me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, I'm not a Jedi, yet...I..." but she did not listen to me.
"I think Lady Nessaya would be very pleased about that..." she added.
*****
She looked so beautiful. So beautiful. Like an angel. I loved the way she laughed, the way she walked, the way she danced. I loved everything on her. The dress she wore was blue like her eyes were. And she still wore her hair loose. Every second I couldn't see her let me stop breathing.
"A beautiful girl, huh ?" a familiar voice took me back to reality. It was Qui-Gon, who was standing behind me.
"Well...I..."
"Don't try it, Obi-Wan. I know exactly what you're thinking about..."
"You do, master ?" I asked quietly.
"Yes, I do. And I'm asking me if you aren't going to dance with her."
That was something I didn't expect from Qui-Gon. I mean, he was a Jedi knight. And he knew the rules. But it seemed as if he didn't give a damn about the unspoken rule.
"C'mon, ask her...You won't die..." he said and pushed me forward, so that I was suddenly standing in front of her.
"Obi-Wan..." she whispered.
"You wanna dance, your highness ?" I asked.
"Of course, master Jedi..." she answered slightly smiling at me. And so we danced. It was as if we had been the only persons in the whole hall, no, in the whole galaxy. There was only her and me. Tamé and Obi-Wan. No one else. When I touched her hand...I couldn't tell you.
*****
Later in the night, when she was sleeping, I was in my room and lay awake, completely lost in thoughts about her. Until I heard steps. Quiet steps coming from her room which was next to mine. I knew that something must be wrong, and a shrill cry confirmed the feeling. I got up quickly, ran to her room and gave the door a hard push and it opened. My lightsaber in my hand, I saw a man in a black mask who threatened Tamé with a knife. I stared at him, feeling rage coming up inside me.
"Let her go..." I growled. I wasn't able to see his face because of the mask. But actually I didn't care how he looked. He wanted to kill the woman I loved. And that was reason enough for me to hate him. I knew that it was wrong to hate him. Because hate leads to the dark side of the Force. But in that moment I didn't give a damn about the Force or the Jedi or whatever Qui-Gon had taught me.
"Let her go or you will regret it..." I told him once more. And then he let her go and walked over to me and began to fire his gun at me. But I blocked the shots with the lightsaber. I don't know what happened to me in that moment. I just felt...hate. I did not think about what I did. I just did it. I killed him with my lightsaber before he had been able to react. I killed him.
Tamé sat on the floor, crying, shocked. When I looked at her again, I began to realize, what I had done. I had let the dark side control me for a few seconds. I took her in my arms and tried to reassure her.
"Are you ok ? Tamé ? It's over. Don't cry, don't cry." I whispered and kissed her on her forehead.
I did not tell Qui-Gon about the hate I felt inside when I had killed the masked man, who had been Tamé's brother himself. I never told anyone but you.
Tamé spent the rest of the night in one of the spare rooms but she did not find her sleep. After an hour had been past, she knocked on my door. I opened and before I had been able to say a word, she closed the door again and fell into my arms. I knew what she wanted to tell me with that embrace so I just held her tight, to make her feel safe. We rested a few minutes like that, until she looked up on me, took my head in her hands and kissed my forehead. And then, her soft lips touched mine and she pulled me into a desperate kiss, filled with all the hidden emotion I was actually not allowed to show.
I didn't want that night to end, but I knew that morning would come. And the next morning would be the day we'd leave. Because her brother, who wanted to see her dead, had been killed by me. So there was no need to protect her anymore.
"You will leave me, right ?" she whispered. I nodded.
"I have to, and you know that..."
"Yes..."
"My body leaves you but never my heart...I will love you until the end of time..."
"I don't want to sleep. Because...I'm afraid that you'll be away when I'll wake up..."
"Don't be afraid. I am here..." I tried to reassure her and began to sing a song for her.
"Hush my love now don't you cry
Everything will be alright
Close your eyes and drift in dreams
Rest in peace for sleep
If there's one thing
I hope I showed you
If there's one thing I hope I showed you
Hope I showed you
Let's give love to all
Oh my love in my arms tight
Every day you give me light
As I drift off to your world
Rest in peace for sleep..."
I knew I had to leave her. All the love I had for her would have woken the dark side inside me. I told you what had happened when I killed her brother. I felt hate. And hate leads to the dark side of the Force. So whenever someone or something would have harmed her, the thin fine line between the light and the darkness would have become a bit thinner.
It's better this way
I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
*****
It was the only night we'd spent together. And I have never seen her again. But I have never stopped loving her. I always felt when she was happy or when she was sad. I felt pain when she felt pain.
And six years later I felt, that her life was drawing to an end. I was right. Someday, Yoda wanted to see me. I think he had always known what had happened in that night.
"Something very sad I have to tell you, Obi-Wan." he said with a low voice. He didn't have to say more. I knew...
"It's...Tamé...I mean, Lady Nessaya..." I said with a trembling voice. Yoda nodded.
"Sorry I am..." he added.
"Thank you for telling me..."
"A lot she meant to you, I know..."
"Yes..."
"Heal the pain time will. Someone like her you will meet. Promise I do this...May the Force be with you, Obi-Wan."
Lyrics: Sarah McLachlan, "Full of Grace" & Creed, "Lullaby"
Chapter 3: Obi-Wan's memories
19 years earlier, Valorous
Some years ago, when I was 18 and still Qui-Gon's padawan, we were on a mission on a planet called Valorous. It looked a bit similar to Naboo. Beautiful, peaceful and silent. The queen of Valorous, Kelendria Andiron, did a good job, her people lived in peace and prosperity. They loved her. But she was sick and she was going to die very soon. She knew that. So she tried to prepare her oldest daughter for the responsibilities of being a queen. But her younger son did not accept that. He wanted to take his mother's place. And that was exactly the reason why we had been sent to Valorous. We had to protect the future queen from her own brother. And that was, when I met her for the very first time...Princess Tamé Nessaya Andiron of Valorous...
"Your highness, master Qui-Gon Jinn and his padawan apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi..." one of the servants introduced us to the queen.
"Master Jedi, I really appreciate your help. And I'm sure you will protect my daughter as good as you can." she said coughing. She looked very pale and I could see that her life was nearly over.
"Skyla, please tell my daughter, that the two Jedi are here..." she ordered her servant.
"She is the most important thing for Valorous. She is the future. And I'm sad that we need to protect her from her brother." she told us.
"Your highness, your daughter is here..." her servant's voice interrupted the queen. She nodded. A few seconds later, I should see the person who would change my life forever. A young woman entered the hall, wearing a long, white dress made of silk and her extremely long, black hair loose. She didn't have to say a word. Her blue eyes told me everything about her. And so did her smile.
"Tamé, this is master Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-Wan. Two powerful Jedi knights. And they're here to protect you. You won't get hurt as long as they are here. Master Jedi, Obi-Wan, this is the future queen of Valorous, Tamé Nessaya." the queen introduced us to one another.
I was totally speechless. She was standing right in front of me and I knew I had never seen someone like her before. I knew that I loved her before she talked to me. Before we got to know each other. I felt it. I felt love. For the very first time. I had always been taught, that love would confuse my mind. But I had never seen things so clearly. It felt right to fall in love with her. I did not know why, I did not know how. It just happened. As you told me, Padmé. I cannot explain it, so I won't try it. There are no words existing to describe what I felt in that moment. It was as if we were soul mates. And we were, I know we were. And I knew that she felt the same way. I knew it when she looked at me. The way she looked at me, as if we had met once before. As if we had known each other from a former life. As if we could read one another's mind. I tried to remember what I had been taught for so many years. I tried not to be selfish and not to think about a feeling like this. But it just felt so right. And how could a book, that tells so many bad things, look so beautiful ?
In the afternoon, Tamé decided to go for a walk in the palace garden and Qui-Gon told me to join her. To protect her, of course. But I think he had known what had happened to me. There had been a revealing smile on his lips...
"So...you're going to be a Jedi, huh ?" she asked me.
"Yeah, right." I replied nodding.
"And you...will be the future queen of a whole planet...At the age of 18 ?"
"Yes. If my brother won't be able to kill me before..." she answered.
"I would never let anybody harm you..." I did not think about what I said. I realized it, when I saw the surprising look in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I spoke out what I thought and...actually I didn't think..." I tried to explain but she shook her head.
"No, don't. Don't apologize. I...I don't know how I should explain it...Obi-Wan...But just now, in the palace...Something went though me...The moment I saw your face. I... I know it sounds crazy and maybe I'm hallucinating, but..." she began to speak with a moment's hesitation.
"No, it isn't. It isn't crazy. And I...I think you're not hallucinating. Because...I know what you mean. That thing, which was going through you...I felt it, too. Actually, I don't know a thing about you. How you behave, how you are...but..."
"...you feel as if you've met me a long, long time before ?" she completed my sentence. He nodded.
"Your highness..."
"Tamé...the name is Tamé. So use it. Please." she interrupted me.
"Alright...Tamé. Since I have seen your face, since I have looked into your eyes, which tell me more about you than any words, I just want to be with you. Every minute I can't see your face is a lost moment in time. I've known you for a few hours. But I can honestly say, that I..." I wanted to carry on, tell her my feelings but suddenly she turned around.
"Princess ! Princess Nessaya !" a voice had interrupted me. It was a servant who had called out her name.
"Skyla ! What is going on ? Why are you calling me ?" she asked.
"The queen told me to search for you and to take you back to the palace. You have to prepare for tonight's festival." Skyla explained.
"Oh, I am sorry. I completely forgot about that..." Tamé returned.
"Well, I'm coming. I'm sorry I have to leave you alone, Obi-Wan..." the look in her eyes told me once more what she had wanted to say. Then she turned around and went back to the palace.
"You should prepare, too, master Jedi..." Skyla's voice shook me out of my thoughts.
"Oh, I'm not a Jedi, yet...I..." but she did not listen to me.
"I think Lady Nessaya would be very pleased about that..." she added.
*****
She looked so beautiful. So beautiful. Like an angel. I loved the way she laughed, the way she walked, the way she danced. I loved everything on her. The dress she wore was blue like her eyes were. And she still wore her hair loose. Every second I couldn't see her let me stop breathing.
"A beautiful girl, huh ?" a familiar voice took me back to reality. It was Qui-Gon, who was standing behind me.
"Well...I..."
"Don't try it, Obi-Wan. I know exactly what you're thinking about..."
"You do, master ?" I asked quietly.
"Yes, I do. And I'm asking me if you aren't going to dance with her."
That was something I didn't expect from Qui-Gon. I mean, he was a Jedi knight. And he knew the rules. But it seemed as if he didn't give a damn about the unspoken rule.
"C'mon, ask her...You won't die..." he said and pushed me forward, so that I was suddenly standing in front of her.
"Obi-Wan..." she whispered.
"You wanna dance, your highness ?" I asked.
"Of course, master Jedi..." she answered slightly smiling at me. And so we danced. It was as if we had been the only persons in the whole hall, no, in the whole galaxy. There was only her and me. Tamé and Obi-Wan. No one else. When I touched her hand...I couldn't tell you.
*****
Later in the night, when she was sleeping, I was in my room and lay awake, completely lost in thoughts about her. Until I heard steps. Quiet steps coming from her room which was next to mine. I knew that something must be wrong, and a shrill cry confirmed the feeling. I got up quickly, ran to her room and gave the door a hard push and it opened. My lightsaber in my hand, I saw a man in a black mask who threatened Tamé with a knife. I stared at him, feeling rage coming up inside me.
"Let her go..." I growled. I wasn't able to see his face because of the mask. But actually I didn't care how he looked. He wanted to kill the woman I loved. And that was reason enough for me to hate him. I knew that it was wrong to hate him. Because hate leads to the dark side of the Force. But in that moment I didn't give a damn about the Force or the Jedi or whatever Qui-Gon had taught me.
"Let her go or you will regret it..." I told him once more. And then he let her go and walked over to me and began to fire his gun at me. But I blocked the shots with the lightsaber. I don't know what happened to me in that moment. I just felt...hate. I did not think about what I did. I just did it. I killed him with my lightsaber before he had been able to react. I killed him.
Tamé sat on the floor, crying, shocked. When I looked at her again, I began to realize, what I had done. I had let the dark side control me for a few seconds. I took her in my arms and tried to reassure her.
"Are you ok ? Tamé ? It's over. Don't cry, don't cry." I whispered and kissed her on her forehead.
I did not tell Qui-Gon about the hate I felt inside when I had killed the masked man, who had been Tamé's brother himself. I never told anyone but you.
Tamé spent the rest of the night in one of the spare rooms but she did not find her sleep. After an hour had been past, she knocked on my door. I opened and before I had been able to say a word, she closed the door again and fell into my arms. I knew what she wanted to tell me with that embrace so I just held her tight, to make her feel safe. We rested a few minutes like that, until she looked up on me, took my head in her hands and kissed my forehead. And then, her soft lips touched mine and she pulled me into a desperate kiss, filled with all the hidden emotion I was actually not allowed to show.
I didn't want that night to end, but I knew that morning would come. And the next morning would be the day we'd leave. Because her brother, who wanted to see her dead, had been killed by me. So there was no need to protect her anymore.
"You will leave me, right ?" she whispered. I nodded.
"I have to, and you know that..."
"Yes..."
"My body leaves you but never my heart...I will love you until the end of time..."
"I don't want to sleep. Because...I'm afraid that you'll be away when I'll wake up..."
"Don't be afraid. I am here..." I tried to reassure her and began to sing a song for her.
"Hush my love now don't you cry
Everything will be alright
Close your eyes and drift in dreams
Rest in peace for sleep
If there's one thing
I hope I showed you
If there's one thing I hope I showed you
Hope I showed you
Let's give love to all
Oh my love in my arms tight
Every day you give me light
As I drift off to your world
Rest in peace for sleep..."
I knew I had to leave her. All the love I had for her would have woken the dark side inside me. I told you what had happened when I killed her brother. I felt hate. And hate leads to the dark side of the Force. So whenever someone or something would have harmed her, the thin fine line between the light and the darkness would have become a bit thinner.
It's better this way
I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
*****
It was the only night we'd spent together. And I have never seen her again. But I have never stopped loving her. I always felt when she was happy or when she was sad. I felt pain when she felt pain.
And six years later I felt, that her life was drawing to an end. I was right. Someday, Yoda wanted to see me. I think he had always known what had happened in that night.
"Something very sad I have to tell you, Obi-Wan." he said with a low voice. He didn't have to say more. I knew...
"It's...Tamé...I mean, Lady Nessaya..." I said with a trembling voice. Yoda nodded.
"Sorry I am..." he added.
"Thank you for telling me..."
"A lot she meant to you, I know..."
"Yes..."
"Heal the pain time will. Someone like her you will meet. Promise I do this...May the Force be with you, Obi-Wan."