SNAPERIFFIC!
Author's Note: Wow, a long chapter today! The most chapters I've ever posted! I hope y'all enjoy and review! Pretty please?
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Chapter Seven: Snape's Mastur Plan and the Killer Health Food Strikes Again (only you weren't around for the first time it struck.)
Snape stepped out of the bathroom, a towel on his head. 'Taadaa!' he said, and pulled the towel off of his head. Gilderoy clapped.
'Huzzah! You look so much better now then you did two hours ago!' Gilderoy said.
Snape nodded. 'Yep! It took a while, but I finally got all of the grease, dirt, oil, and food out of my hair. Now, for our escape plan.' he brought out a blank piece of paper and a pen. On it he wrote down all of the materials he would need, and the steps of the plan.
"Snape's Mastur Plan:
Matereuls:
-blangkets
-pilos
-sheetes-"
'Don't forget my hair styling products!' Gilderoy chided.
Snape shook his head. 'That goes in your suitcase.' He continued writing.
"Plan:
we ty up tha sheetes ande blangkets intoo a roep.
we ty won and uf tha roep too tha windo sil.
we thro tha othur and don too tha grownd.
we thro tha pillos don inkayz we fal.
we clime don too safetee ande fureedum!!!!"
Snape put down his quill and looked over his list. Everything seemed accounted for. But, he checked it over yet again because one small error could ruin this set-up. Gilderoy read it over his shoulder.
'I wrote a book, you know.' He said. Snape chuckled to himself.
'Sure you did, Gildy.' He muttered. 'Lets start to tie up the sheets and blankets now.' He pointed to a pile he made of materials that he stole from other people's rooms. Before Gilderoy could move, Snape grabbed the ones with pink and blue bears falling from clouds with little green umbrellas. He started to tie them together. Dejectedly, Gilderoy took the green ones with the yellow ducks and started to tie them into a rope. When they finished, they tied their two ropes together, and made sure that the knots were tight.
Snape handed a bunch of pillows to Gilderoy, who threw them out of their escape window, directly below where they would be landing. While he did this, Snape tied one end of the rope down to the windowsill and made sure that it wouldn't come undone. Then, they grabbed their suitcases, and threw them down to the pillows.
'Y-you first, Gildy.' Snape said shakily. Gilderoy shook his head.
'Oh, no! After you, Richie!' he said, sounding just as nervous.
'They are in there! The door is jammed shut!' it was Dr Sacha's voice right outside the door.
A tough sounding man answered. 'Yes, Doctor.' The man started to pound on the door, and the chair started to move.
Snape turned to look at Gilderoy. 'You first Gildy! If only you can escape, then maybe you can come rescue me soon!' he said, and before Gilderoy could argue, Snape pushed him out of the window. 'Ooops.' Snape said as he watched Gilderoy fall, screaming, down eight floors. 'My bad.' He brought out his wand (which he stole back from Sacha while she was unconscious) and cast a gliding spell on Gilderoy, so that he wouldn't fall hard. In a moment he landed on the cushions with an 'Oof!' Gilderoy waved up to Snape to let him know that he was alright.
With a bang, the door broke down, and the muscle man and Dr Sacha ran into the room. Without a second thought, Snape jumped out of the window. 'Gerronimooo!' he screamed and landed beside Gilderoy.
'They're getting away!' Sacha shrieked, watching them run away from the window. The man scratched his head.
'I knew we should have put locks on those windows.' He said and started to pull the sheets up.
Once they were far away from St Mungo's, Snape and Gilderoy stopped for air. 'They will have the whole country after us soon!' Snape said between breaths.
Gilderoy nodded. 'If only there was a place we could-'
'hide. Somewhere safe, and-'
'not too suspicious, like-'
'HOGWARTS!' they said in unison, and then stared at each other.
'My gosh. I'm turning into a Weasley!' Snape said in disgust. 'Lets keep moving. I think its that way.' Snape pointed to the north. And so, with high hopes, and grass stains in their pockets, they began their incredible journey north toward what they hoped would be Hogwarts.
~
As Harry and his classmates walked into the Great Hall, they found that they were just on time to witness an announcement.
'I regret to inform you all that, due to budget cuts and food wasters, we will have to strike mashed potatoes from the menu.' Everyone groaned. 'Yes, yes, I know. But that's what happens when people play with food!' Dumbledore said, 'they will be replaced with McCain Tasti Taters. In other news, our Fifth Years will have the pleasure of embarking on a mystical quest-' everyone held their breath excitedly to see what he would say next. '-of knowledge!' they exhaled disappointedly. 'Yes! In two days they will be taking the Learning is Fun Espress to the North, where they will study the different behaviours of wizard/muggle settlements. I hope you all brought your mitts, caps, and boots!' he snapped his fingers, which made an extra snapping noise of their own. Plates of food (and taters) appeared on the tables.
Harry licked his lips, and grabbed a few Beef Wellingtons for his plate, along with Fettuccini Alfredo. Ron was singing again.
'Eat a bean and your hair will sheen!' he said, piling his plate full of kidney beans. Hermione tapped Harry on the shoulder, and handed him a plate of really healthy weight-loss food. He looked at the green mass in disgust.
'Why are you eating that junk, Hermione?' he asked. Hermione took his plate and replaced it with the yucky one.
'I'm not eating it,' she put some lettuce on a fork and shoved it into Harry's mouth, 'you are.' And she sat down beside him and started to eat the Beef Wellington and the Fettuccini Alfredo.
Harry poked his food with the fork and peered at it closely. 'Hermione, I think this is alive.' He said. Hermione laughed.
'Don't be silly! Its more dead than this succulent Beef Wellington here.' She said between mouthfuls. Harry threw down his fork with a clatter and stood up, knocking over the chair.
'You know what? I've had it with you! You and your -so called- _eating_! I defy you and your ways, Hermione Farmer!' he said. Hermione stared at him.
'My name is Granger. Hermione Granger.'
Harry blinked. 'Oh, right. I used to know a Hermione Farmer in my old school, so I kinda slipped there.' Then he scowled at her again. 'Feel my wrath poser-farmer girl!' he said and tried to beat her up. She tripped him and he fell in the path of his idol, Cho Chang!
'Oh, my, gosh, Harry! Are you alright? Should I call an ambulance? Oh, wait, I don't know the number! Tee hee hee!' she kicked Harry in the head. The green goop from his plate jumped on her and started to eat her face. She screamed and thrashed around.
Harry stood up in all of his fat-nerdy glory. 'In times of danger, the health food must protect its host!! Kill my pretties! Kill!' he started to cackle maniacally. Ron joined in and soon the whole table was laughing, and only half of them had a slight idea of why.
Cho finally managed to get the salad-thing off of her face, but there were still traces of it, and it was all sticky in her hair. She glared at Harry. 'I'm never gonna pretend to like you again, Harry Potter!' she said, and spat on the floor. Then, she ran away, obviously to her dorm to take a shower.
Ron walked over to Harry, who had stopped laughing. He grabbed his hand and held it up for everyone to see. Then, with his other hand he held an imaginary microphone to his mouth. 'Aaand the winner is- HARRY POTTER!' and after he said this, Draco went up on the stage with his guitar and started to sing/play 'World's Greatest'.
Ron sat down wearily. 'Now, I have to go back to my room and water my phlowers.'
Hermione laughed, and then stopped because she saw that he was being serious. 'You have flowers?' she asked.
Ron shook his head. 'Not flowers- phlowers!' he paused. 'With a ph instead of an f.'
'I. see.' they heard some fangirls screaming and turned to watch them attack Harry.
'AHH!! HARRY!! OH-MY-GOSH!! THE WAY YOU HANDLED THAT WITCH WAS GREAT!! WE LOVE YOU!!! AHHH!!!' the one who had yelled all of this out thrust a pen and paper underneath Harry's nose. 'Autograph, hon.' Then she looked at him closely. The other ones scrunched up their noses.
'Eww! He is like, fat or something!! Lets go idolize someone with chiselled muscles!' one of them said.
'Yeah! We have better people to waste our time on!'
'What about that hot Draco dude?' they all screamed, and with that they all ran away. Harry's lower lip trembled. Ron glared at Hermione, and put his arm around Harry's shoulders.
'I'll tell you what, Har. You can come back to my dorm-'
'_You're_ dorm!?'
'-and help me water my phlowers!' Ron said, ignoring Harry's interrupting him. The three of them started to walk back to the Gryffindor house thing without finishing their dinners. Harry's stomach rumbled, but he didn't mention it, because he knew that after everyone falls asleep, there would be a box of chocolates waiting for him.
'You know what I was thinking today?' Ron asked them, over his singing for the moment.
'What?' Hermione asked.
'I was wondering what Snape was doing. we haven't seen him for about three days now. I almost lost count! But then, I remembered that I wasn't counting.'
But the company wasn't listening to Ron. They too, were thinking about what Snape was doing. Where he was. How he was faring.
-----
A/N: Um. Uh. Er. Anou. OH RIGHT! The author's note! Heh *sweatdrop* well. review and make me happy. Happy enough to write more!
Author's Note: Wow, a long chapter today! The most chapters I've ever posted! I hope y'all enjoy and review! Pretty please?
-----
Chapter Seven: Snape's Mastur Plan and the Killer Health Food Strikes Again (only you weren't around for the first time it struck.)
Snape stepped out of the bathroom, a towel on his head. 'Taadaa!' he said, and pulled the towel off of his head. Gilderoy clapped.
'Huzzah! You look so much better now then you did two hours ago!' Gilderoy said.
Snape nodded. 'Yep! It took a while, but I finally got all of the grease, dirt, oil, and food out of my hair. Now, for our escape plan.' he brought out a blank piece of paper and a pen. On it he wrote down all of the materials he would need, and the steps of the plan.
"Snape's Mastur Plan:
Matereuls:
-blangkets
-pilos
-sheetes-"
'Don't forget my hair styling products!' Gilderoy chided.
Snape shook his head. 'That goes in your suitcase.' He continued writing.
"Plan:
we ty up tha sheetes ande blangkets intoo a roep.
we ty won and uf tha roep too tha windo sil.
we thro tha othur and don too tha grownd.
we thro tha pillos don inkayz we fal.
we clime don too safetee ande fureedum!!!!"
Snape put down his quill and looked over his list. Everything seemed accounted for. But, he checked it over yet again because one small error could ruin this set-up. Gilderoy read it over his shoulder.
'I wrote a book, you know.' He said. Snape chuckled to himself.
'Sure you did, Gildy.' He muttered. 'Lets start to tie up the sheets and blankets now.' He pointed to a pile he made of materials that he stole from other people's rooms. Before Gilderoy could move, Snape grabbed the ones with pink and blue bears falling from clouds with little green umbrellas. He started to tie them together. Dejectedly, Gilderoy took the green ones with the yellow ducks and started to tie them into a rope. When they finished, they tied their two ropes together, and made sure that the knots were tight.
Snape handed a bunch of pillows to Gilderoy, who threw them out of their escape window, directly below where they would be landing. While he did this, Snape tied one end of the rope down to the windowsill and made sure that it wouldn't come undone. Then, they grabbed their suitcases, and threw them down to the pillows.
'Y-you first, Gildy.' Snape said shakily. Gilderoy shook his head.
'Oh, no! After you, Richie!' he said, sounding just as nervous.
'They are in there! The door is jammed shut!' it was Dr Sacha's voice right outside the door.
A tough sounding man answered. 'Yes, Doctor.' The man started to pound on the door, and the chair started to move.
Snape turned to look at Gilderoy. 'You first Gildy! If only you can escape, then maybe you can come rescue me soon!' he said, and before Gilderoy could argue, Snape pushed him out of the window. 'Ooops.' Snape said as he watched Gilderoy fall, screaming, down eight floors. 'My bad.' He brought out his wand (which he stole back from Sacha while she was unconscious) and cast a gliding spell on Gilderoy, so that he wouldn't fall hard. In a moment he landed on the cushions with an 'Oof!' Gilderoy waved up to Snape to let him know that he was alright.
With a bang, the door broke down, and the muscle man and Dr Sacha ran into the room. Without a second thought, Snape jumped out of the window. 'Gerronimooo!' he screamed and landed beside Gilderoy.
'They're getting away!' Sacha shrieked, watching them run away from the window. The man scratched his head.
'I knew we should have put locks on those windows.' He said and started to pull the sheets up.
Once they were far away from St Mungo's, Snape and Gilderoy stopped for air. 'They will have the whole country after us soon!' Snape said between breaths.
Gilderoy nodded. 'If only there was a place we could-'
'hide. Somewhere safe, and-'
'not too suspicious, like-'
'HOGWARTS!' they said in unison, and then stared at each other.
'My gosh. I'm turning into a Weasley!' Snape said in disgust. 'Lets keep moving. I think its that way.' Snape pointed to the north. And so, with high hopes, and grass stains in their pockets, they began their incredible journey north toward what they hoped would be Hogwarts.
~
As Harry and his classmates walked into the Great Hall, they found that they were just on time to witness an announcement.
'I regret to inform you all that, due to budget cuts and food wasters, we will have to strike mashed potatoes from the menu.' Everyone groaned. 'Yes, yes, I know. But that's what happens when people play with food!' Dumbledore said, 'they will be replaced with McCain Tasti Taters. In other news, our Fifth Years will have the pleasure of embarking on a mystical quest-' everyone held their breath excitedly to see what he would say next. '-of knowledge!' they exhaled disappointedly. 'Yes! In two days they will be taking the Learning is Fun Espress to the North, where they will study the different behaviours of wizard/muggle settlements. I hope you all brought your mitts, caps, and boots!' he snapped his fingers, which made an extra snapping noise of their own. Plates of food (and taters) appeared on the tables.
Harry licked his lips, and grabbed a few Beef Wellingtons for his plate, along with Fettuccini Alfredo. Ron was singing again.
'Eat a bean and your hair will sheen!' he said, piling his plate full of kidney beans. Hermione tapped Harry on the shoulder, and handed him a plate of really healthy weight-loss food. He looked at the green mass in disgust.
'Why are you eating that junk, Hermione?' he asked. Hermione took his plate and replaced it with the yucky one.
'I'm not eating it,' she put some lettuce on a fork and shoved it into Harry's mouth, 'you are.' And she sat down beside him and started to eat the Beef Wellington and the Fettuccini Alfredo.
Harry poked his food with the fork and peered at it closely. 'Hermione, I think this is alive.' He said. Hermione laughed.
'Don't be silly! Its more dead than this succulent Beef Wellington here.' She said between mouthfuls. Harry threw down his fork with a clatter and stood up, knocking over the chair.
'You know what? I've had it with you! You and your -so called- _eating_! I defy you and your ways, Hermione Farmer!' he said. Hermione stared at him.
'My name is Granger. Hermione Granger.'
Harry blinked. 'Oh, right. I used to know a Hermione Farmer in my old school, so I kinda slipped there.' Then he scowled at her again. 'Feel my wrath poser-farmer girl!' he said and tried to beat her up. She tripped him and he fell in the path of his idol, Cho Chang!
'Oh, my, gosh, Harry! Are you alright? Should I call an ambulance? Oh, wait, I don't know the number! Tee hee hee!' she kicked Harry in the head. The green goop from his plate jumped on her and started to eat her face. She screamed and thrashed around.
Harry stood up in all of his fat-nerdy glory. 'In times of danger, the health food must protect its host!! Kill my pretties! Kill!' he started to cackle maniacally. Ron joined in and soon the whole table was laughing, and only half of them had a slight idea of why.
Cho finally managed to get the salad-thing off of her face, but there were still traces of it, and it was all sticky in her hair. She glared at Harry. 'I'm never gonna pretend to like you again, Harry Potter!' she said, and spat on the floor. Then, she ran away, obviously to her dorm to take a shower.
Ron walked over to Harry, who had stopped laughing. He grabbed his hand and held it up for everyone to see. Then, with his other hand he held an imaginary microphone to his mouth. 'Aaand the winner is- HARRY POTTER!' and after he said this, Draco went up on the stage with his guitar and started to sing/play 'World's Greatest'.
Ron sat down wearily. 'Now, I have to go back to my room and water my phlowers.'
Hermione laughed, and then stopped because she saw that he was being serious. 'You have flowers?' she asked.
Ron shook his head. 'Not flowers- phlowers!' he paused. 'With a ph instead of an f.'
'I. see.' they heard some fangirls screaming and turned to watch them attack Harry.
'AHH!! HARRY!! OH-MY-GOSH!! THE WAY YOU HANDLED THAT WITCH WAS GREAT!! WE LOVE YOU!!! AHHH!!!' the one who had yelled all of this out thrust a pen and paper underneath Harry's nose. 'Autograph, hon.' Then she looked at him closely. The other ones scrunched up their noses.
'Eww! He is like, fat or something!! Lets go idolize someone with chiselled muscles!' one of them said.
'Yeah! We have better people to waste our time on!'
'What about that hot Draco dude?' they all screamed, and with that they all ran away. Harry's lower lip trembled. Ron glared at Hermione, and put his arm around Harry's shoulders.
'I'll tell you what, Har. You can come back to my dorm-'
'_You're_ dorm!?'
'-and help me water my phlowers!' Ron said, ignoring Harry's interrupting him. The three of them started to walk back to the Gryffindor house thing without finishing their dinners. Harry's stomach rumbled, but he didn't mention it, because he knew that after everyone falls asleep, there would be a box of chocolates waiting for him.
'You know what I was thinking today?' Ron asked them, over his singing for the moment.
'What?' Hermione asked.
'I was wondering what Snape was doing. we haven't seen him for about three days now. I almost lost count! But then, I remembered that I wasn't counting.'
But the company wasn't listening to Ron. They too, were thinking about what Snape was doing. Where he was. How he was faring.
-----
A/N: Um. Uh. Er. Anou. OH RIGHT! The author's note! Heh *sweatdrop* well. review and make me happy. Happy enough to write more!