SNAPERIFFIC!
Author's Note: Huzzah! I am finally updating! *Does the updating dance* Please, review! If you don't like it, tell me so! If you love it- tell me! If you are too lazy to read it, tell me!
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Chapter Eight: Hermione Farmer Attacks
'Gee! Richie! I sure am cold!!' Gilderoy said, his teeth chattering. Snape exhaled, a cloud of green condensation appearing in the air. He wiped his mouth and icicles fell off of his newly grown beard.
'According to this map, we should be at the nearest Star Bucks.' Snape said, and then gasped. 'And there's a Tim Hortons right underneath our very feet! I-' Gilderoy grabbed the map from Snape.
'You pooka! This is a map of "American Coffee Shops"!!' he pulled out the real map out of his pocket. Why he wasn't looking at it in the first place is a mystery. Too much faith in Snape, I suppose. 'It says here that we are in Scandinavia!'
'Oh.' Snape said. 'And how long do we have to walk to get to Hogwarts? Two kilometres?'
Gilderoy shook his head. 'Try multiplying that by a thousand. Then, by a hundred.'
Snape did the maths in his head, but forgot to carry the one. 'I see.' he looked around. 'Now where is that kid with my cappuccino?!'
~
'For reasons beyond my control, Hogwarts has installed a new gym for people to work out and such.' Dumbledore announced. Harry groaned. This would mean less throwing paperclips at people who looked like household appliances. 'And now, I would like to hand out the stupid awards that we get at the end of the year, but I was so excited this particular year, that I am giving them out now- in September! So, now, I can see you enjoy them all year!' he said, and started to break dance. Then, he stopped, and frowned at everyone. 'On second thought, I will leave them until June. Now lets all go play quidditch!!' he yelled, and everyone filed outside. The first game would be (surprise surprise) Gryffindor versus Slytherin!
Oliver Wood ran up to Harry with a purple broom. He, uh, rejoined as captain of the team after that one year because he liked it so much. And he has a cool last name! *heart, heart*
'Harry! I found the only broom that would agree to take you! Its name is.' dramatic music played. 'PURPLE FACE!' he said. Fred and George stood behind Oliver, laughing their faces off.
Harry stared at Purple Face. 'I thought that one was retired! My girlfriend named a star after that broom.' He said.
'But you don't have a girlfriend!' Oliver said loudly. Harry started to cry in his hands even louder. 'There, there, I didn't mean it!' Oliver said and handed Harry a menthol Kleenex. Before Harry could take the Kleenex, Ron ran up and grabbed it, and ate it.
Then he ran away to go sit with Hermione, who was mad at him again.
'I hate you Ron!' she snapped, and then went back to reading her "Hogwarts: A History". Ron glared at her and then picked up his box of phlowers. He went up and down the bleachers, yelling for people to buy them, and then throwing them to them once they did.
'Phlowers! Git yer phlowers here!' he yelled. Hermione glared at him.
Madame Hooch came out with her special cape thingie, and started the game. It took a while, but Harry finally got his broom off of the ground.
Hermione watched the game through omnioculars. She saw Harry bouncing around in the air and became frightened and forgot why she was mad at Ron.
'Ron! Come quick! Harry's under another spell!' she said. Ron slid down the bleachers, knocking over everyone in his path.
Before Hermione could tell Ron what was happening, he remembered something. Their quidditch team didn't have a mascot! And Snape, the Slytherin mascot, was gone! He made a quick wreath with his phlowers and put it around his head, so it kinda resembled a lion's mane. He went up in front of the bleachers and started to dance.
'WANTA FANTA! DON'T YOU WANTA! WANTA FANTA!'
Ron sang and danced like any good mascot should,
But in the end all he really wanted was food.
Up came Draco, with a cape and a hat-
"Why dear Ron, I believe you're getting fat!"
And quick as a flash, they both flew away
Students of Hogwarts say to this day
That if you listen hard on Halloween night
You just may hear some wolves getting in a fight!
Ron's hallucination ended, and he found himself on the floor of the empty stadium, with his wreath in shreds.
He sat up. 'It was all a dream?' he asked himself. 'That's not how it seemed!' then he paused. 'I guess I should stop rhyming now.' Then he got up but tripped over something.
He picked it up. 'My! Its an alien spacecraft!' he opened it and the window's symbol blared in his face. 'Hmm. it must be one of those wonky ladtobs that Hermione was telling me about. And she says that I never listen in Mythical Muggles class!!' he grunted. (Muggle Studies had been changed to Mythical Muggles to get students interested in it that year.)
Ron pushed a few buttons and found himself on jolly old fanfiction dot net, where he was barraged with pop-ups! 'Oh, dear, this won't do at all!' he tried to sign up for the extended membership but didn't know how. So just as he was clicking on a fic called "Fred and George Play Even More Pointless and Degrading Jokes on Ronald" a pop-up popped up. It was from Classmates.com! Ron thought he recognised the jock so he clicked on him. Then he was transported to another world. A world of highschool, black and white nostalgia.
He typed in his old class that he was in before he came to Hogwarts and they all came up.
'And they say muggles don't have magic!' he said, amazed. He scrolled down the list and found his picture. He had had braces that year, and headgear. And really, really thick glasses. And freckles galore (actually he still had freckles galore).
'I look radishing!' Ron said to himself. He really likes radishes.
That page bored him, so he looked up Harry's class. He scrolled down and saw Harry, who looked exactly the same, and then he went down more and saw her. Hermione Farmer. What a vision of beauty! He clicked on her and it only showed an enlarged photo. So, he took out his wand, and clicked on her picture. She appeared in front of him holding a model TG-5 airplane.
Before Ron could say anything, Harry came outside looking for him. When he saw Hermione (Farmer) he stopped and stared. Then he held out his wand.
'Go back to where you came from!!' he yelled and shot her with his wand. Then he remembered that it was actually a liquorish stick.
'Harry Potter? Is that you?' she asked. Harry shook his head.
'No, I'm Harry Potter! You have to pronounce the er like an a.' he said.
'I see.' she said, and walked towards him. Harry took a step back
Ron stepped forward. 'HI! I'M RON! MOST OF MY FRIENDS CALL ME RON! YOU CAN CALL ME RON! MOST OF MY ENEMIES CALL ME RON! I-'
Hermione stared at him. 'Your breath is too minty! That's just as bad as bad breath. Now, back to Harry Pottaaaa.' She said and started to stare at Harry again. Harry did a summersault and a cartwheel but she didn't move.
'Maybe it's the chicken?' he asked. Hermione walked back into the computer and was never seen again.
'I THOUGHT LOVE WAS ONLY TRUUUE IN FAIRY TALES!' Ron started to sing. Harry hit him on the back of his head.
'Quiet you dolt!'
And with that they ran back to Hogwarts.
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A/N: Is this the last of Hermione Farmer? What exactly was in those mints? Is it really the chicken? Review and you might find out! (but not really)
Author's Note: Huzzah! I am finally updating! *Does the updating dance* Please, review! If you don't like it, tell me so! If you love it- tell me! If you are too lazy to read it, tell me!
-----
Chapter Eight: Hermione Farmer Attacks
'Gee! Richie! I sure am cold!!' Gilderoy said, his teeth chattering. Snape exhaled, a cloud of green condensation appearing in the air. He wiped his mouth and icicles fell off of his newly grown beard.
'According to this map, we should be at the nearest Star Bucks.' Snape said, and then gasped. 'And there's a Tim Hortons right underneath our very feet! I-' Gilderoy grabbed the map from Snape.
'You pooka! This is a map of "American Coffee Shops"!!' he pulled out the real map out of his pocket. Why he wasn't looking at it in the first place is a mystery. Too much faith in Snape, I suppose. 'It says here that we are in Scandinavia!'
'Oh.' Snape said. 'And how long do we have to walk to get to Hogwarts? Two kilometres?'
Gilderoy shook his head. 'Try multiplying that by a thousand. Then, by a hundred.'
Snape did the maths in his head, but forgot to carry the one. 'I see.' he looked around. 'Now where is that kid with my cappuccino?!'
~
'For reasons beyond my control, Hogwarts has installed a new gym for people to work out and such.' Dumbledore announced. Harry groaned. This would mean less throwing paperclips at people who looked like household appliances. 'And now, I would like to hand out the stupid awards that we get at the end of the year, but I was so excited this particular year, that I am giving them out now- in September! So, now, I can see you enjoy them all year!' he said, and started to break dance. Then, he stopped, and frowned at everyone. 'On second thought, I will leave them until June. Now lets all go play quidditch!!' he yelled, and everyone filed outside. The first game would be (surprise surprise) Gryffindor versus Slytherin!
Oliver Wood ran up to Harry with a purple broom. He, uh, rejoined as captain of the team after that one year because he liked it so much. And he has a cool last name! *heart, heart*
'Harry! I found the only broom that would agree to take you! Its name is.' dramatic music played. 'PURPLE FACE!' he said. Fred and George stood behind Oliver, laughing their faces off.
Harry stared at Purple Face. 'I thought that one was retired! My girlfriend named a star after that broom.' He said.
'But you don't have a girlfriend!' Oliver said loudly. Harry started to cry in his hands even louder. 'There, there, I didn't mean it!' Oliver said and handed Harry a menthol Kleenex. Before Harry could take the Kleenex, Ron ran up and grabbed it, and ate it.
Then he ran away to go sit with Hermione, who was mad at him again.
'I hate you Ron!' she snapped, and then went back to reading her "Hogwarts: A History". Ron glared at her and then picked up his box of phlowers. He went up and down the bleachers, yelling for people to buy them, and then throwing them to them once they did.
'Phlowers! Git yer phlowers here!' he yelled. Hermione glared at him.
Madame Hooch came out with her special cape thingie, and started the game. It took a while, but Harry finally got his broom off of the ground.
Hermione watched the game through omnioculars. She saw Harry bouncing around in the air and became frightened and forgot why she was mad at Ron.
'Ron! Come quick! Harry's under another spell!' she said. Ron slid down the bleachers, knocking over everyone in his path.
Before Hermione could tell Ron what was happening, he remembered something. Their quidditch team didn't have a mascot! And Snape, the Slytherin mascot, was gone! He made a quick wreath with his phlowers and put it around his head, so it kinda resembled a lion's mane. He went up in front of the bleachers and started to dance.
'WANTA FANTA! DON'T YOU WANTA! WANTA FANTA!'
Ron sang and danced like any good mascot should,
But in the end all he really wanted was food.
Up came Draco, with a cape and a hat-
"Why dear Ron, I believe you're getting fat!"
And quick as a flash, they both flew away
Students of Hogwarts say to this day
That if you listen hard on Halloween night
You just may hear some wolves getting in a fight!
Ron's hallucination ended, and he found himself on the floor of the empty stadium, with his wreath in shreds.
He sat up. 'It was all a dream?' he asked himself. 'That's not how it seemed!' then he paused. 'I guess I should stop rhyming now.' Then he got up but tripped over something.
He picked it up. 'My! Its an alien spacecraft!' he opened it and the window's symbol blared in his face. 'Hmm. it must be one of those wonky ladtobs that Hermione was telling me about. And she says that I never listen in Mythical Muggles class!!' he grunted. (Muggle Studies had been changed to Mythical Muggles to get students interested in it that year.)
Ron pushed a few buttons and found himself on jolly old fanfiction dot net, where he was barraged with pop-ups! 'Oh, dear, this won't do at all!' he tried to sign up for the extended membership but didn't know how. So just as he was clicking on a fic called "Fred and George Play Even More Pointless and Degrading Jokes on Ronald" a pop-up popped up. It was from Classmates.com! Ron thought he recognised the jock so he clicked on him. Then he was transported to another world. A world of highschool, black and white nostalgia.
He typed in his old class that he was in before he came to Hogwarts and they all came up.
'And they say muggles don't have magic!' he said, amazed. He scrolled down the list and found his picture. He had had braces that year, and headgear. And really, really thick glasses. And freckles galore (actually he still had freckles galore).
'I look radishing!' Ron said to himself. He really likes radishes.
That page bored him, so he looked up Harry's class. He scrolled down and saw Harry, who looked exactly the same, and then he went down more and saw her. Hermione Farmer. What a vision of beauty! He clicked on her and it only showed an enlarged photo. So, he took out his wand, and clicked on her picture. She appeared in front of him holding a model TG-5 airplane.
Before Ron could say anything, Harry came outside looking for him. When he saw Hermione (Farmer) he stopped and stared. Then he held out his wand.
'Go back to where you came from!!' he yelled and shot her with his wand. Then he remembered that it was actually a liquorish stick.
'Harry Potter? Is that you?' she asked. Harry shook his head.
'No, I'm Harry Potter! You have to pronounce the er like an a.' he said.
'I see.' she said, and walked towards him. Harry took a step back
Ron stepped forward. 'HI! I'M RON! MOST OF MY FRIENDS CALL ME RON! YOU CAN CALL ME RON! MOST OF MY ENEMIES CALL ME RON! I-'
Hermione stared at him. 'Your breath is too minty! That's just as bad as bad breath. Now, back to Harry Pottaaaa.' She said and started to stare at Harry again. Harry did a summersault and a cartwheel but she didn't move.
'Maybe it's the chicken?' he asked. Hermione walked back into the computer and was never seen again.
'I THOUGHT LOVE WAS ONLY TRUUUE IN FAIRY TALES!' Ron started to sing. Harry hit him on the back of his head.
'Quiet you dolt!'
And with that they ran back to Hogwarts.
-----
A/N: Is this the last of Hermione Farmer? What exactly was in those mints? Is it really the chicken? Review and you might find out! (but not really)