Look, look, I'm not dead! _ At long last, another chapter. It's back to Quatre's POV this time. Though it will vary, most of them probably will be from his, seeing as he has the perspective of the new patient. Enjoy.

All warnings and disclaimers still apply.

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Part 2

I shifted uneasily in my chair. I couldn't concentrate on the inane movie playing on the TV. I looked at the others, sitting on the couch. They stared blankly forward, grim expressions on their faces. They obviously weren't paying attention to the movie, either. I looked over my shoulder, back down the hallway. To where Duo was.

I swallowed, turning back around, slouching down in my seat. I wrapped my arms around myself, but I couldn't banish the chill in my bones. I couldn't tear my mind away from Duo. From the stark contrast between the Duo that I had met upon my arrival, and the Duo who now lay in our room, presumably in a drugged slumber.

How… how could this be happening? I couldn't wrap my mind around it. Duo… letting that orderly… I shuddered. My skin was crawling. Dirty… dirty… everything was dirty… I was trembling, rubbing at my skin unconsciously. The others were staring at me, I could tell. I wanted to curl up into a little ball, to disappear.

"Quatre?" Wufei whispered, his hand hovering in mid-air like he wanted to touch me, but was thinking better of it. I flinched away anyway. I couldn't help it. I was having trouble breathing. I drew my legs up, knees touching my chest. Touching… touching… Duo was letting that orderly… I wrapped my arms up around my head, wanting to block out the world, to block out the filth…

Others were staring now, too. I could feel their eyes on me. A small murmur was passing around the group of patients gathered in the common room to watch the movie. I became aware of myself rocking back and forth, of the low, keening whine coming from the back of my throat. Static, there was static in my brain. The world was loosing its focus. I welcomed it. I didn't want to think, to feel. I wanted away from this place, to escape, even if it was only in my mind. It was safer there, safer than here…

"If you keep this up, they'll call the orderlies to come and put you into solitary. Trust me, you don't want that," Wufei said softly, his voice low and calm. Reasonable. Solitary? Orderlies? Orderlies like… like Anderson? Wufei was right. I didn't want that. With great effort, I forced my body to relax, slowly uncurling from the fetal position I'd folded myself into. I forced myself to be quiet, to be calm, to not act like I was crazy. I flinched. Crazy. My father's angry voice echoed in my head, yelling at me, calling me names, deriding me and my 'episodes' as he called them.

"Is there a problem here?" a voice asked, sounding far away. I looked up, feeling dazed, trying to push back the static in my brain. I blinked at the duty nurse, who was standing over me, a scowl on her face. Dimly, I was aware of the movie still playing in the background. Everyone else was deathly quiet, all eyes in the room fixed on me. Dirty… dirty… For a moment the world wavered out of focus again, but I forced it back, thoughts of being hauled away to solitary by Anderson lending me strength.

"No, no problem. Quatre's just a little tired," I heard Wufei say, again in that calm, reasonable voice of his. The nurse shot him an incredulous look before turning her attention back to me. I somehow managed a weak smile.

"I'm fine," I said, immensely relieved when my voice didn't crack. She continued to stare at me for a long moment, until I became very much afraid that I would start screaming at her to get her filthy eyes off of me. Finally, she nodded and returned to the nurse's station. I couldn't help but draw my legs back up, wrapping my arms around them in a defensive posture as I felt everyone's foul gazes on me. Static, there was so much static in my brain. When it became apparent that I wasn't going to do anything else interesting, the other patients turned their attention back to the movie.

"Are you going to be alright?" Wufei asked softly. I nodded mechanically without looking at him, my gaze unfocused. Alright? How could anything possibly be alright? I was trapped in this filthy place, surrounded by filthy people, filthy eyes, filthy hands, everything so damned filthy…! I was rubbing my skin again. I forced myself to stop, burying my face against my knees. I couldn't draw attention to myself again. Couldn't make any noise, or rock back and forth like a 'retard', as my father was fond of calling me, shouldn't even be curled up into a pathetic ball like I was, but I just couldn't make myself unfold again. I needed some defense from the filth in the air.

Finally, the idiotic movie ended. The nurse called out that it was time for meds, and most of the patients drifted over to the nurses' station, including Wufei and Heero. Afterwards, the nurse approached me again. I eyed her warily, but all she did was inform me that I had an evaluation with the younger Dr. Khushrenada tomorrow morning at ten. He would determine then what medications I would be put on, if any. Peachy.

A shiver of fear ran down my spine. The doctors at Pinewood had not been strong supporters of using medication to control their patients. During the two months I had been there, the strongest drug I had been given was a mild sedative during one particularly bad 'episode'. And even though it had been mild, the dullness of my senses that it had induced, the sluggishness in my movements that it had caused, had scared me, had made me feel vulnerable and helpless. I had taken care after that to avoid 'acting out' too much. That was how they had viewed my 'episodes' there, as acting out. It was the same attitude that my father held. I had certainly not cared to enlighten them as to how little control I had when… it would happen, when the world would threaten to suffocate me, when I was drowning in filth and the static in my brain overwhelmed me.

It would be different here. This was a mental hospital. Acting like that… acting like that was crazy. They would see it and know that I was crazy, would keep me here forever, would pump me full of drugs that robbed me of my awareness, of my strength, would make me utterly and completely helpless and defenseless…

I had to stop. Static… there was too much static… Breathing took conscious effort. I could feel Wufei's eyes on me. Trowa and Heero's, too. Duo's friends. I thought of Duo again, of what he had done so that he could drug himself. I didn't understand, couldn't understand. Why would anyone want that helplessness, want it so much that they would… they would…

"Lights out is in about twenty minutes," Wufei said, breaking me from my reverie. "Can you make it to your room okay?" I shot him a curious look. It was true that at my worse I didn't have the presence of mind to stand, let alone walk, but how did he know that? Mutely, I nodded. "Would you like to come to my room and talk for a few minutes first?" he asked. I eyed him warily. I had sensed no danger from him. He didn't seem to be a threat. Besides, I had questions. Again I nodded.

With some effort I unfolded myself from the chair and followed Wufei, Trowa, and Heero back down the hallway. Trowa solemnly bid us goodnight and disappeared into the first room we passed. Heero announced that he was going to check on Duo and went into the room that he and I shared. I followed Wufei further down the hallway and into his room.

Unsurprisingly, the layout was exactly the same as my own room. It was, however, far neater than Duo's disarray. And books. I couldn't believe how many books there were. They lined the shelf above the desk, were stacked neatly along the walls, and were piled onto a makeshift shelf constructed of milk crates wedged between the two beds. My eyes traveled over the spines in wonderment, noting the range in subject matter, everything from works of fiction to textbooks on philosophy, history, physics, chemistry, biology, and psychology.

Wufei sat in his desk chair, motioning for me to sit at the other desk, which was empty of any personal belongings. Apparently he did not currently have a roommate. I sat in the chair, feeling uneasy. Wufei regarded me for a moment, adding to my discomfort, before finally breaking the silence.

"I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. But I'm sure you're confused. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to answer all of your questions, but we can certainly give it a try, if you'd like," he offered. I suddenly thought of my caseworker at Pinewood. A balding middle-aged man who'd always attempted during our sessions to put on an air of casualness, to speak in an off-handed, reassuring manner as if he was a good friend instead of a person in authority over me. Attempted, and failed. I was reminded of him because where he had failed Wufei was succeeding. Normally under circumstances such as this, I would be feeling much more threatened. But there was just something in Wufei's manner, in his way of speaking, that was suddenly putting me at ease. At least, as much at ease as I ever am. He waited patiently for a response, not pushing or prodding like my caseworker would. Maybe it was safe to talk to him. A dozen questions sprang to mind.

"What's… what's wrong with Duo?" I asked finally, my strange new roommate being my foremost concern for the time being. Wufei raised an eyebrow, perhaps surprised by my straightforwardness, before turning his gaze on the pencil he had picked up off the desk and was now idly tapping against the polished wood surface.

"Couldn't start off with an easy one, could you?" he asked wryly, still not meeting my gaze. He sighed. "I can't really answer that question. To say that Duo has a lot of problems would of course be an understatement. The doctors are completely clueless, about the drugs, about… about Anderson, and about a lot of other things," he said, glancing up at me before turning his attention back to the pencil. "He's… not getting any better here. I… don't know what's going to happen to him." His grip on the pencil tightened, his jaw clenching. I could feel the depth of his concern for his friend. Wufei was afraid for Duo. Very much so. I swallowed, uncomfortable with the gravity of the emotion.

"You said he was transferred here because he put someone in the hospital, but that he wouldn't attack me. Why are you so sure?" I asked. A wry smile appeared on Wufei's face, dispelling the grim look he'd worn only a moment before.

"Now that one's easy. Everyone may be convinced that Duo's completely insane, including Duo himself, but the fact remains that he would never attack someone that didn't deserve it," he replied. "It's just not in his nature to hurt innocent people. And you just don't seem like someone who's going to provoke him." I felt myself flushing a little, not sure if he was teasing me or offering me a compliment of some sort.

"Okay. Heero. Duo said something about him being a… a sociopath? But I thought sociopaths didn't care about other people. He certainly seems to care about Duo, and he's friends with you and Trowa, isn't he?" I asked.

"First of all, that's a rather simplified definition of a sociopath. And Heero hasn't been firmly diagnosed as such, that's just one of the labels Dr. Khushrenada is throwing around," Wufei answered, barely concealing a sneer of disgust at the mention of the doctor's name. "I don't think it is an accurate diagnosis. Though he does exhibit many of the symptoms, you're right, Heero does care a great deal about Duo. But he probably wouldn't be too pleased that you'd been able to read that so easily," he added with a smile. "I don't really know the details of how he came to be here. He hasn't shared them with anyone. I don't know what meds they have him on either. He's rather… secretive."

"Okay," I said, mulling that over. "What about Trowa. Duo said he had, um, schizoid something or other. What's that?"

"Schizoid Personality Disorder. It means generally that he has a limited range of emotion, and is indifferent to social relationships. Actually, Trowa really shouldn't be here. People with the disorder are normally treated with group therapy, not hospitalization. I suppose his family wanted a break from dealing with him, and saw a mental hospital as 24 hour-a-day group therapy. And of course with their impressive insurance policy, Dr. Khushrenada was only too happy to comply," Wufei said with a humourless smirk. "Trowa was fortunate enough to be assigned to Dr. Po, who only works here part-time, for his individual therapy and has showed improvement. I'm sure Duo sort of taking him under his wing and including him in our little group played no small part in that as well. He'll probably be released soon, if his family feels like having him around again."

I nodded absently, taking a moment to think about all he'd told me. Then I met his gaze, cocking my head to one side.

"You really know a lot about this stuff, don't you?" I asked. Wufei laughed softly.

"Yes, I suppose I do," he said. He gestured at the books lining his shelves. "Before I got sick, I was well on my way to becoming something of a scholar, following in my family's footsteps. When I came back into my right mind, thanks largely to a wonderful little drug called Stelazine, I suppose it was only natural for my interests to turn to studying mental illnesses, too."

I looked at him quietly for a moment, another question on the tip of my tongue that I did not have the courage to voice out loud. He returned my gaze evenly, finally sighing and turning his attention to the still-tapping pencil.

"Go ahead. Ask me," he said. My eyes widened in surprise. I swallowed nervously.

"If you're… okay now, why… why are you still here?" I asked tentatively.

"Because my family wishes it so," he answered, an edge of bitterness creeping into his voice. "They're very proud, my family. Very concerned about honour and good breeding and the like. Our lineage can be traced back through four centuries. Simply intolerable that the eldest son of the head of the family should be mentally ill… crazy. A stain on their pride and their pure blood that they just would not bear. My parents intend to keep me hidden away here until my eighteenth birthday, until they are no longer legally obliged to provide for me, and then cut all ties with me. I'll be of legal age then to sign myself out, and Dr. Khushrenada will be happy enough then to release me, without my family's money to keep me here." Wufei had a faraway look in his eyes. "I think… I think my parents told the rest of the family that I'm dead. That I was sent away to be treated for some 'acceptable' physical ailment like cancer and died."

I was stunned, and afflicted with guilt for having brought up such an obviously painful subject. I wondered what it must feel like, disowned by your own parents over something you could not control. I certainly had condemnation from my own father for what he considered contemptible and childish acting out. That I was an object of shame to him amongst his high-class friends and business associates I had no doubt. But I knew he would never disown me. I was his property, just like his estates and his various business holdings. Well, maybe not just like those, he certainly didn't… didn't… Static started to cloud my mind but I quickly pushed it back, sinking a little lower in my seat.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. Wufei shook his head.

"No. It's alright. It's an old wound, even if it still has its sting," he said. Just then the buzzer sounded, the same one that had announced dinner, causing me to jump in surprise. Wufei smiled.

"Ah, that's the warning that there's only five more minutes until lights out. You'd best hurry and get ready for bed," Wufei explained. I nodded, standing up and moving towards the door. I paused, hand on the doorknob.

"Thank you," I murmured without looking back, and then quickly ducked outside. I hurried down the hall towards my own room, uncomfortable in the presence of other patients moving about, coming and going to what was presumably the washroom down at the end of the hall. I paused again at my door, suddenly reluctant, wondering what I might find on the other side, but finally reached out and opened it.

Heero had already left. Duo was sprawled on his bed, breaths deep and even, lost in his drug-induced sleep. I bit my lip as I looked at him, feeling confused and torn over so many things. Remembering the time I broke my trance and grabbed my toothbrush from my bag and hurried to the washroom to get ready for bed. The buzzer sounded again just as I was stepping back into the room and then suddenly I was plunged into darkness. Cursing under my breath I fumbled forward for the desk lamp. It was enough light to get changed for bed.

Afterwards, I lay for a long time in the darkness, unable to clear my mind from the events of the day. To say that I was confused and overwhelmed would be an understatement. It was all… too much. Wufei had helped a little with the confusion, at least. I wondered why he had bothered. Maybe he had taken pity on me. I eventually drifted into uneasy sleep late into the night, where unpleasant dreams waited for me.

TBC

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