[I]I don't know whose side I'm takin'
But I'm not takin' things too well
I can see inside you're achin'
But is it still too early for me to tell?
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa, if only she knew, oh
I try to let it go but I don't know if I can take it
'Cause the way you looked at me
Made me see that I can't really fake it
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa
I know she loves you and I can't interfere
So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear
Whoa
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
Oh, I'm still not over you
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
Whoa
'Cause I will never ever walk away
I'll find a way
She could never love you like I do
If only she knew [/I]
[b]If Only She Knew - Michelle Branch [/b]
[b] Part Three [/b]
Alexander Whitman squeezed his fiancés hand tightly. Isabel looked over at him with worried concern in her wide cerulean eyes.
"I don't know if I can do it Alex," she said softly, staring at the ground. "What if she doesn't remember me? Or worse, what if she hates me because of Max?" Her teeth came crashing down mercilessly upon her cherry lips.
It was a few days after Alex and Isabel had received the news that Liz was awake. They had both been away visiting Alex's parents in Arizona, and had just today driven back, their journey ending in silent agreement at the hospital. Isabel had been moody and distant ever since she had found out about their friend, and it had baffled Alex to no end. However, he had not pushed her about it, for one because he too was sorting out his whirling emotions and thoughts, and for another that he knew pushing Isabel to say or do something that she wasn't ready to was the first step to loosing her.
Ironically, it had been Liz herself who had shared that little insight with him. And he had referred to it definitely more than once.
But now, at Isabel's words, everything jumped out at him clearly, and his love for his lovely goddess increased tenfold. How was it possible for his love to keep growing? There were days when his heart was just bursting with ardor, and then the next he would find his heart expanding with excess affection. Alex felt a familiar flash of awe that she was actually his - and would be for the rest of his unworthy life. He decided to give up another prayer of thanks to the heavens for her.
It was amazing really, how much Isabel had changed once she had allowed Alex in her life as something more than a friend. Maria often told him that he balanced her, made her whole, and brought out the best in Isabel, Ex-Ice-Queen Extraordinaire. Alex, however, disagreed. He had KNOWN Isabel, even before he had approached her. From the moment he met her, he saw a strangled, grieving girl struggling to hold up a protective façade. He had basically given that girl a helpful nudge and allowed her to shine through.
"Don't be ridiculous," He told her affectionately, kissing the hand he held. "First of all, Liz could never forget you, or me. I wouldn't allow it," he teased in his usual manner, trying to hide his raw emotion. "And second of all, what's between her and Max is just that. Between her and Max. It has nothing to do with you - with any of us." Alex gritted his teeth through the last statement, lying effectively. Because undeniably, it DID have to do with Alex. Anything that had to do with Liz's care had to do with him. It was just his way.
Isabel took a deep breath and let the shaky air out slowly. "I know, I know. I'm just so.so.I don't know. I just am, you know?"
He nodded grimly at her. "Yea. I know." And the sad thing was that he did, he truly did.
The couple took a moment in silent reverie, the faint echoes of the hospital looming behind him, reminding them forever of why they were here.
When they finally pushed open the door, they were met with a confusing, heart wrenching sight.
Two nurses were helping - make that practically carrying - Liz out of the tiny hospital bed and placing her carefully into a wheelchair. Alex turned his head slightly and noticed that Isabel's face had gone pale and she was fighting a sheen of tears.
[I]Oh, and why exactly is it that you've noticed Isabel's tears there Alex?[/I] he asked himself sarcastically. [I]Is it possibly because you are looking at Isabel to avoid looking at Liz. Suck it up and be the dorky goofball Liz knows and loves![/I]
After having that little talk with himself, Alex straightened up and bestowed Liz with one of his infamous grins. "Lizzie! Uhm, nice to see you out and about!" Alex cringed at what came out of his mouth. Okay, so he overdid the dorky part and underemphasized the goofball part.
Liz's face darkened as she looked down pointedly at the chair. "Don't you mean down and about?"
Alex faltered for a minute, unsure of how to proceed. He knew of Liz's current condition via Maria and her hysterics, but it was hard to actually adjust to fact that Liz- vibrant, vivacious Liz - was confined to a wheelchair. Isabel shifted uncomfortably next to him, the air suddenly felt congested with tension.
In the end though, he ended up doing what he always did. Break the ice with another corny line. He cleared his throat and the two nurses took there leave.
"Whatcha doing? Breaking out of this joint already?"
He saw out the corner of his eye, Isabel rolling her eyes, yet letting her shoulder sag with relief from the departure of the building tension.
Liz also rolled her eyes, but he detected a faint, memorable smile curve at the corner of her lips. "No. My parents were just here. They agreed with the doctor that it's time for me to go home. I'll be leaving in an hour or so."
"Well thank God. I myself was getting bloated from all that cafeteria food."
Isabel groaned, but Liz actually laughed outright - granted it was short, but it was still SOMETHING - and she beckoned Alex to her. "I love you Alex," She said simply.
Alex needed no further invitation than that and with two steps he had Liz crushed in the biggest hug she could fathom. "Not that I'm not tickled pink, but is there any reason why you chose to express your love and adoration for little ole me at this time?" He teased.
They broke apart, and he was met with Liz's shining eyes - beautiful brown orbs that he had had begun to believe he might never see again. Oh, how jubilant was he to see them again.
"You can always manage to make me laugh, even when things seem depressingly low."
Alex winced at her heartfelt statement, and he felt a burning rage begin to grip his insides.
Liz however, was thankfully unaware of this new development, as she was looking past Alex towards Isabel, who was hovering uncertainly near the door.
"Aren't you going to come over here Isabel?" Liz asked her friend, a hint of teasing evident in her tone. Isabel smiled and made her way over to envelop the petite brunette in warm arms.
"Oh Liz," Isabel said softly, her eyes still shining. "I can't tell you how much we've missed you." Liz smiled her thanks and reached to grasp the taller girls hand. Dread twisted his stomach at the exact moment Liz's face scrunched in perplexity. She rotated Isabel's hand so it was palm down and stared at the sparkling diamond on Isabel's ring finger.
Alex was also aware of the exact moment when Isabel realized just what had happened, for she jerked away her hand as if she had been burned.
Liz met their eyes silently. It was a moment of quiet, and then, "You guys are engaged?" Her breath hitched on the last word and Alex's heart bled for her. It also cursed their stupidity. They should have taken it off, they shouldn't have just brandished it in front of her, reminding her.
"Stop."
Alex's raven head jerked upwards in surprise at Liz's tone.
Her face crumpled. "Stop blaming yourself. I can see it written on your faces, don't deny it," She warned just as Alex opened his mouth. "You shouldn't feel as though you need to protect me, as if you need to.I mean, I KNOW what Max did. And I'm dealing with it. The whole stupid thing shouldn't interfere with your happiness and make you feel guilty for wearing a goddamn ring!" During her little oration, Liz's voice had grown higher and higher until the last word was a piercing shriek. Her voice caught, and a helpless, wrenching sound came out of Liz's throat - a wail so primal, so full of PAIN that it sent Alex's blood boiling, threatening to overspill like scalding water onto its cooking captor.
Liz buried her face into her hands for a few moments, and Alex and Isabel shared a few powerless glances. What could they do?
Her compose sought out and put back in place, Liz drew in a shuddering breath and smiled feebly at them. "Sorry. For a minute there I just." Her eyes watered and their expression made Alex want to find Max Evans and grind him into a bloody pulp. "Sorry," she whispered.
"Liz," Alex started, "You have absolutely."
Liz shook her head, willing him into quiet submission. "No. That's not what we should be talking about right now." She smiled genuinely up at Isabel, her eyes shining in a proverbial fashion, shining in a way that let Alex know that their Liz was still in there. "Now. Details, Izzy, details. I want to know EVERYTHING about the wedding."
Isabel's face lit up despite herself, and she launched into a meticulous description of everything down to the last napkin at Table 31. Alex allowed himself to calm down and just simply ENJOY being back in the lively presence of his best friend. But deep inside, he was still seething.
--------------------------
Alex breathed deeply as he led the way out of Liz's hospital room. Once the door was safely shut behind them he let out the longest sigh of exasperation.
Isabel leaned her head on his shoulder, her blonde mane tickling his neck. Together they slowly made their way down the hallway.
"Well that was.intense," Alex commented, trying but failing to locate the right word to describe out it felt to see Liz in such a state - physically and emotionally.
Isabel made a mummer of agreement. "I know. Its just killing me to see her so." She trailed off uncertainly when Alex suddenly went rigid. "Alex?"
He couldn't answer her. He was literally seeing red. He hadn't felt this violent since the time he had witnessed that jock come on (unwontedly) to Isabel and attempt to feel her up.
For there, just in front of them, was an oncoming Max Evans.
Without even thinking, Alex strode towards the man in question, steely purpose set in his eyes.
Max's own eyes had brightened in recognition at finally noticing him. "Oh, hey Alex. Isn't that Liz's."
His words were cut off when Alex's tightly coiled fingers slammed into his jaw, effectively sending Max flying directly into the wall behind him. The nasty crunching noise combined with the flashing pain that rippled from his fist up his arm caused Alex to grimace. But his eyes still blazed steadily as he used them to deliver another striking blow to Max, this one not physical but nevertheless, it was the one that rang more true.
"Alex!" Isabel shrieked. He ignored her, breathing hard and fuming as his nostrils flared. When Max just sat there in a daze, Alex's rage once again got the best of him.
"Don't you have ANYTHING to say for yourself?" He demanded, this time managing not to yell, and also managing to keep his fist clenched at his side.
"Well, for one thing, I'm damn glad we're in a hospital," Max said ruefully, massaging the place where Alex's furious swipe had connected, and shaking his head as if to shoo away the stars dancing in front of his eyes.
Alex's eyes rounded to twice their normal size, giving his usually placid, open face a maddeningly irate look to it. He merely expelled tuffs of hot air, clearly too appalled to even speak. His vision was blurring. He didn't think he had EVER been so angry.
But then, he didn't think he would ever see Lizzie so hurt. The thought sent him off once again.
If there was one thing to know about Alexander Whitman it was this. He was deadly passionate about those he loved. No one EVER hurt his kin and got away without answering to him. And Liz was his kin. His friend, his SISTER, his ying to his yang. The third addition to the trio, consisting also of him and Maria.
And furthermore, it was LIZ. It was supremely implausible that anyone would even consider harming her - physically or emotionally. She was just that kind of person. Beautiful in every way, inside and out. Kind, compassionate, nurturing, smart.the best and brightest of them all. Additionally, if you had asked Alex who he thought was the one person you could trust to never hurt Liz, he would have told you without a moments hesitation or doubt that that person was Max Evans.
Which was why, most likely, that this whole situation seemed to be getting worse and worse by the minute. Because it WAS inconceivable, it WAS disconcerting.It WAS almost as if the world had spun off its axis.
Max groaned and straightened himself up. Instantly his eyes shone with tears, remorse.and unfathomable GUILT. Alex glared back, willing himself not to waver in his mind. But damn, if Evans didn't look as bad.
Well, really, as bad as Liz.
This only furthered Alex's thought that things couldn't be more screwed up if they tried.
------------------------
Elizabeth Parker stared incessantly at the linoleum floor of her hospital room. It was funny, in a non-comical manner. The way this room seemed like that of a stranger's, when in all actuality, she had spent three years of her life in here.
[I]Wasted,[/I] She thought unceremoniously. [I]The word isn't spent; it's wasted. Three years that you'll never get back, no matter how hard you try. Just like you'll never walk again, no matter how hard you try..[/I]
She resolutely ordered herself to stop being so pessimistic. She wanted the old Liz back, the 'everything's got a silver lining to it, sunshine on a happy day' Liz. But she was gone. Lost forever, slipping away slowly once the bad news had been revealed.
Its replacement was a numb, shell of a person. Someone bitter. And dejected.
[I]Max is engaged. And not to you.[/I]
The very thought was like drinking your own bile. Her very soul felt raw, beaten. How could he?
However, it wasn't as if they could have picked up where they left off had he waited for her. She was crippled now. Confined to a hateful wheelchair, incarcerated within her own body. It was supremely frustrating when she wanted to get up, NEEDED to get up - and all she could do was lie there like some worthless sack until someone helped her.
Liz Parker didn't need HELP. Liz Parker was independent. Liz Parker thrived on control.
Liz Parker was dead. At least that version of her was.
Because really, did she honestly think that things would have worked out for her and Max had he waited? She was a goddamn paraplegic for Pity's Sake. Helpless, dependent, and truly lacking control of anything these days. [I]She[/I] didn't even want to be around herself. Unfortunately, she had the inauspicious quandary of, well, being herself. She couldn't escape it - it being that kind of hindered lifestyle.
But Max could. Perhaps it was best this way.
Or perhaps not.
As if materialized from her thoughts, Max Evans appeared in her doorway. Her breath sucked sharply in at the sight of him - a quirk that had obviously not diminished in when she had been in her comatose state. For the briefest of minutes, time stood blissfully still, and all Liz did was drink in the sight of the man she loved.
It was then that she remembered that he had apparently not loved her back in the same fervor. Her expression hardened, especially when she remembered her current (although now it looked to be [I]permanent[/I]) condition. She willed her face not to enflame. Her insecurities about the God-forsaken chair rushed forward again with a vengeance.
"Hello Liz." How was it that his voice had not changed even one decibel, one syllable?
"Max." Her emotions were in a tide of confusion, lapping at the shore, just out of her reach. She had yet to wrap them around her mind in a meticulous, comprehensible manner.
"What are you doing here Max?"
Now why had she asked that? She knew perfectly well from Isabel's earlier visit that Max was planning to stop by. She KNEW he was coming. And yet, the whole ordeal seemed.odd. Out of place. Like if he was going to come see her, he should have done so earlier or not at all.
He winced, but then his gaze was true. And damn him if it didn't still turn her insides into quivering fish upon a frying skillet: sparking, popping, fiery. He cleared his throat nervously, yet his voice rang steady and heartfelt. Almost as if the next words out of his mouth were ones he was born to say.
"I wanted to see you."
Liz held her breath in one exultant moment. Hope flooded through her, rushing in her ears. There was something about his voice.something that hinted at a possibly chance for.
She immediately clamped down upon the idea. Her eyes turned steely. "Was that before or after you proposed to another women?"
Again, Max visibly cringed. "Liz.I."
Suddenly, his presence was extremely painful. Hot bursts of hurt exploded within her body, and she could feel the tears starting to sting - the tears being the ramifications of a brain overload. Everything was coming at her with full force, and his being here was too much right now.
Her heart bled at the thought that at one time, his presence had never been quite enough.
"Maybe you should just go," Liz muttered quietly, not permitting her voice to go any higher. She didn't trust it to not exemplify all of her feelings, knowing that if she spoke above a whisper, everything would be laid out in front of him, more blatantly than cards in the last round of a poker game.
Max stood there for a minute, his expression entirely indecipherable. Which hurt her in some irrational way. The fact that she could no longer read him stung her, stung her more than the offensive tubes in her arms had.
"Is that what you want?" He asked finally, sounding crestfallen. A ripple of hollow disbelief and irritation flew through her. [I]He[/I] was the one who seemed dejected. How unbelievably wrong and stupid was that?
Bitterness washed over her as she took in his words with such a force that she could almost taste the awful flavor on her tongue. How DARE he. She tutted a hot puff of air outward, freeing all of her animosity.
Max's eyes, his beautiful, moving damn eyes, widened in concern. "What?" He implored gently. His tone however, had the opposite of the intended affect, and succeeded in only encouraging her anger.
"[I]What I want.[/I]" She mocked darkly. Her eyes flashed with perilous fire, and she noted Max's sudden swallow of apprehension. "What I want? It should be quite obvious what I want, shouldn't it Max?" She suddenly laughed, the empty, mirthless sound filling the room, and chilling the walls. When the awful sound subsided, her voice was replaced by something hard, tight, and cruel. Something completely NOT Liz Parker.
"What I want is to walk out of this damn chair! What I want is to wake up and find out that this was all just some horrible recurring nightmare! What I want is for you to just."
She broke off abruptly. No. She wouldn't go there, COULDN'T go there. For if she spoke her illicit thoughts, her hopes and dreams that it might still be possible for them to.No. It would make things so much more awkward. And more awkward moments were the absolute LAST thing they needed right now. As it was, they had suffered through enough of those to last a lifetime.
Max seemed at a complete loss for words. He worked his jaw uncertainly several times, before finally croaking out, "I-Liz.I didn't mean." He expelled a turbulent breath of air and some of his frustrations absconded out with it. "I'm sorry."
Liz felt the hysterical, wretched laughter bubble up within her again, but she firmly compressed down on it. "Oh." She bit out. "He's [I]sorry,[/I]. Gosh, everything just seems so much better now, doesn't it. Freaking perfect now, I [I]thank[/I] you ever so much Mr. Evans."
Max flinched at her pointed, stinging words. Liz knew she had made a direct hit. Calling him Mr. Evans, the same title she had used for his father, the same tone she had used for the one who had never been her favorite person. The fact that she was associating him with his father must have caused him a frission of pain. Or rather, it would have for the Max Evans she had known. But now, in this moment - actually, ever since she had awoke to the painful news - she couldn't tell if that boy and this man were the same being.
Max's eyes had squeezed shut, and he seemed to be trying to maintain an unyielding hold on his emotions. Despite herself, Liz felt an unfathomable surge of compunction. It wasn't right. Taking out all of her frustrations, poignancies, and hurt on him was wrong, and she knew it. A small part of her felt that he deserved it, that if he hadn't moved on without her, none of this would have happened. But she couldn't allow that illogical side to rule her. This was still MAX, and hurting him would always feel like hurting herself. She opened her mouth to say something along those lines, but Max interrupted her.
His next words caused her guilt to increase ten-fold. "I deserved that," he said painfully, his voice cracking. "If you want take a swing at me like Alex did, I would welcome that too. It would be completely justified under the." He searched for the words to describe the place they were at now, " circumstances."
"Alex did WHAT?" Liz exclaimed. She knew that Alex had some major issues with Max, and how he had handled the aftermath of the accident (Maria too for that matter), but Alex? Sweet, passive Alex? Taking to VIOLENCE? The world HAD gone crazy. And the proof of which just kept piling on, load after load.
"Yea. I guess he was trying to knock some sense into me - literally." Max rubbed his jaw ruefully.
Liz gave a short laugh, and then smiled. For one instant, time seemed to mercifully rotate backwards, and as Liz meet Max's warm, infinitely [I]familiar[/I] gaze, it was almost as if nothing had changed. It was almost like Liz knew, just KNEW that she would never be able to turn away.
Blinking abruptly, Liz forced herself to get back on topic. For these kinds of thoughts.they were dangerous. Nothing good would come of them. Not at this point and time. Not when Max was.
She cleared her throat roughly, effectively breaking the mood. Max's eyes clouded over once more.
"So uhm, what I meant to say before was," Liz tore her eyes from his face, and forced herself to look at the floor of the room. Her gaze momentarily caught upon the wheels of the damn chair she was sitting in, and rage clouded her mind, swirling in its murky depths. She took a deep breath and coerced herself to push it aside and continue. "The thing is Max, you DON'T deserve this - any of this. I shouldn't have lashed out at you." It was then that she allowed herself the brief luxury of becoming lost in his tawny gaze. It took a moment before she remembered with a pang, that that luxury was no longer hers to own.
Max dug his fingers into his scalp, and coated his face with his palms. "Liz," he choked out in a strangled voice. "You have no idea.you don't know how much.how much I just wish." Liz leaned unconsciously forward, intent on catching his every word, thinking that maybe, just maybe he would.
His yearning words were cut off by the door squeaking open. Both pairs of brown eyes jerked to the disturbance to reveal.
"Tess?" Max blurted out before he could stop himself.
Liz was frozen. Albeit reluctantly, she forced herself to take a look at the woman who had glided into Liz's treasured place - Max's heart. She felt her breath hitch when she locked eyes with a sheen of icy hardened blue. Something about the look Tess pierced her with sent a frigid wave down her spine. It reeked of an admonition.
But really, Liz could not blame her. Heaven knew what was going through the poor girl's mind; her fiancé's ex-fiancé coming back from the dead - or at least that's what it felt like to Liz. Yet, Liz couldn't find it in her to like the girl. It seemed that Liz was an expert in the field of irrationality these days. To Liz, Tess was the blockade, the one thing preventing her from her old life, her perfectly imperfect life with Max. It was all she wanted, all she had ever wanted. But Tess.now she wanted it too. And that made an emotion so foreign to rise inside of Liz Parker. Hate tumbled through her veins like wild fire spiraling down a hill.
Who was to say which girl was rightfully Max's? Only Max. And he wasn't being real verbal about his decision as of now.
Liz held Tess's gaze for a moment, and then was shocked to discover something else flicker in the blonde's eyes. Something almost like.
[I]No.[/I] It couldn't be. Liz must just be projecting her own wishful thinking into the situation. There was no way. It wasn't even POSSIBLE.
Because for a moment, Liz had thought she had seen a glimmer of regret in Tess's eyes. And it disconcerted Liz more than anything else she had learned in the past few days.
-------------------------
Max could only gape at the figure in the doorway, unmistakable dread filling his soul.
Now really, was this the way one was supposed to act when his fiancé appeared in the doorway?
Max didn't know. He didn't know much of anything these days, except for the fact that life had taken an all too CONFUSING turn. He couldn't sleep anymore. Instead, he tossed and he turned, wondering vaguely what they had all done in their past lives to deserve such turmoil.
But when he had walked into the room today, and seen Liz's beautiful, blissfully [I]expressive[/I] face swing towards him (if there was one thing he had ached for during the time when she was comatose, it was the way her face always spoke volumes to him), things had momentarily seemed so clear, so set out, that he had forgotten entirely about Tess.
The moment had been short-lived, however, at Liz's bone gnashing anger. But oh, how his heart had reached out for her when he first caught a glimpse at her lovely face. How his body had simply hummed for her.how his soul cried out with its every being just to hold her, brush back her hair.
The insatiable need for her had dimmed at the sight of her anger.and the sight of her condition. Once again, he squirmed with guilt. HE had put her there, it was HIS fault she was in that chair, HIS fault she was so upset.HIS fault he was so confused and in such a bind. If only he hadn't been as stupid as to run into that car (no matter what the police report said about how it had been the other driver's fault, he still believed otherwise), or furthermore, if he hadn't been as stupid as to involve her in his inane life, then maybe she was still have hers, in an untarnished fashion.
It was then that he realized just WHY he had stopped coming to see her some time ago and gotten involved with Tess. The guilt he had harbored everyday, of seeing her just LIE there, and knowing that it was entirely his fault.
It had slowly killed him. Crushed him with the knowledge that she would have been better off without him, and that maybe, just maybe if he left her alone, nothing else worse would happen to her.
He had heard Michael's quiet anger over the phone when he had called with the news. He had felt Alex's burning rage this afternoon.he KNEW everyone was joining in on his blame parade.
What's more, is that he KNEW he should just stay away from her, let her rebuild her life, a life away from his own so he couldn't hurt her again..
But he was weak.
He had spoken the truth when he said he had wanted to see her. But what he omitted was that he HAD to see her. His body would have eaten at him, his impatience and anxiety over whether she was truly all right was more insistent than his guilt. He had wanted one more touch, one more look.
However, after seeing her, after feeling everything rush back into place and out of the dark boxes in his mind (and consequently, his closet as well), and he knew. One more moment was never going to be enough. His entire soul craved more, ravenous and greedy for more Liz-time (as his teenage self had referred it as).
He had even almost admitted aloud to her how much he craved they could go back, even for just a second.
Tess's untimely arrival, however, gave him a shocking bolt to the present.
Had he not moved on? Wasn't he supposed to be marrying TESS?
[I]Weren't you supposed to be marrying LIZ[/I] A voice mocked in his head. He waved it away.
His mind was about to implode with all the uncertainty and wishy-washy thoughts floating around. Right now he needed to eliminate one of the two, to lessen the tension and confusion in his mind - and consequently in the room as well.
"Tess." He stated flatly. "Can you wait outside for me please?"
Her face darkened considerably, and Max knew he would pay for this later. She pouted for a minute, but then turned to go, throwing out over her shoulder, "All right, see you later.[I]honey[/I]," her voice was pointed, poised for a direct hit.
Max winced and dared a look in Liz's direction. She scowled, but not before Max viewed a wave of pain flit across her features. He swallowed as the guilt and anger dived down his throat again. This was unacceptable. He should NOT be causing her MORE pain. There mere thought was like a knife to the core of his soul.
"Liz," he started, not sure what he was saying but knowing it desperately needed to be said. "Liz, I-"
Yet again, his words were interrupted by a figure striding through the door. A formidable looking doctor straightened his glasses. "Elizabeth Parker?"
Liz snapped towards him, her eyes questioning. "Yes?"
The doctor ambled over to the bed and sat down neatly, perching himself carefully on the edge. Max wanted to scream at the lull. The doctor obviously had something to announce of sorts, and dragging it out was like someone was tugging out his hair - strand by strand.
The doctor cleared his throat and finally spoke. "I have a proposal for you, Elizabeth. One that could very well conclude with you retaining the use of your legs."
Max could literally feel Liz perk up at the words. He frowned at the doctor's grave tone however, and pursed his lips, waiting for it.
"It involves a experimental surgery and rehabilitation technique, one that deals with the nerves and leg muscle. The surgery itself a relatively new concept and approach, but it has had an eighty percent chance at success."
Max heard Liz's distinctive sharp intake of excited breath, but he was more concerned about the numbers.
"And what of the other twenty percent.?" Max queried.
The doctor hesitated, straightening his crisp white coat. "There is always, for sure, a slight chance that something may go wrong in surgery."
"And?" Max prompted, his nostrils flaring.
"And more paralysis may result.and in few cases fatality is a result."
Max felt his heart stop for a few terrifying moments, and trepidation crawled along his spine. His first coherent thought was a big, large [b]NO[/b]
"I'm doing it," Liz said with concrete certainty.
While his heart had stopped before, now it sped up with frightening speed. He felt as if he was spirling out of control, loosing a vital part of himself. That if he watched her put herself directly into more danger, if he lost her AGAIN.
He would simply cease to exist.
"Liz, I really don't think that you should."
It seemed as though today was the day of interruptions. Liz cut him off brusquely, her eyes glittering angrily.
"It's MY decision Max, and really, it's not your problem anymore." Her tone was flat and steely, aloof, but Max could hear the undertones of anguish in her voice, and he longed to just gather her up in his arms, and aching when he knew he could not.
But what he heard, saw and felt toady only furthered his next thought.
Although it really WASN'T his decision it for sure was still his problem. He was still irrevocably involved in this; his guilt, and.feelings still far too attached and melded with the strong, obstinate women in front of him. And he would see it through until it was resolved, wherever it took him, whenever it called.
But I'm not takin' things too well
I can see inside you're achin'
But is it still too early for me to tell?
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa, if only she knew, oh
I try to let it go but I don't know if I can take it
'Cause the way you looked at me
Made me see that I can't really fake it
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
If only she knew
Whoa
I know she loves you and I can't interfere
So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear
Whoa
I try to help you out through the hardest of times
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind
Though it looks as if it's over
I'm still not over you
Oh, I'm still not over you
'Cause I still love you like I did before
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do
Whoa
'Cause I will never ever walk away
I'll find a way
She could never love you like I do
If only she knew [/I]
[b]If Only She Knew - Michelle Branch [/b]
[b] Part Three [/b]
Alexander Whitman squeezed his fiancés hand tightly. Isabel looked over at him with worried concern in her wide cerulean eyes.
"I don't know if I can do it Alex," she said softly, staring at the ground. "What if she doesn't remember me? Or worse, what if she hates me because of Max?" Her teeth came crashing down mercilessly upon her cherry lips.
It was a few days after Alex and Isabel had received the news that Liz was awake. They had both been away visiting Alex's parents in Arizona, and had just today driven back, their journey ending in silent agreement at the hospital. Isabel had been moody and distant ever since she had found out about their friend, and it had baffled Alex to no end. However, he had not pushed her about it, for one because he too was sorting out his whirling emotions and thoughts, and for another that he knew pushing Isabel to say or do something that she wasn't ready to was the first step to loosing her.
Ironically, it had been Liz herself who had shared that little insight with him. And he had referred to it definitely more than once.
But now, at Isabel's words, everything jumped out at him clearly, and his love for his lovely goddess increased tenfold. How was it possible for his love to keep growing? There were days when his heart was just bursting with ardor, and then the next he would find his heart expanding with excess affection. Alex felt a familiar flash of awe that she was actually his - and would be for the rest of his unworthy life. He decided to give up another prayer of thanks to the heavens for her.
It was amazing really, how much Isabel had changed once she had allowed Alex in her life as something more than a friend. Maria often told him that he balanced her, made her whole, and brought out the best in Isabel, Ex-Ice-Queen Extraordinaire. Alex, however, disagreed. He had KNOWN Isabel, even before he had approached her. From the moment he met her, he saw a strangled, grieving girl struggling to hold up a protective façade. He had basically given that girl a helpful nudge and allowed her to shine through.
"Don't be ridiculous," He told her affectionately, kissing the hand he held. "First of all, Liz could never forget you, or me. I wouldn't allow it," he teased in his usual manner, trying to hide his raw emotion. "And second of all, what's between her and Max is just that. Between her and Max. It has nothing to do with you - with any of us." Alex gritted his teeth through the last statement, lying effectively. Because undeniably, it DID have to do with Alex. Anything that had to do with Liz's care had to do with him. It was just his way.
Isabel took a deep breath and let the shaky air out slowly. "I know, I know. I'm just so.so.I don't know. I just am, you know?"
He nodded grimly at her. "Yea. I know." And the sad thing was that he did, he truly did.
The couple took a moment in silent reverie, the faint echoes of the hospital looming behind him, reminding them forever of why they were here.
When they finally pushed open the door, they were met with a confusing, heart wrenching sight.
Two nurses were helping - make that practically carrying - Liz out of the tiny hospital bed and placing her carefully into a wheelchair. Alex turned his head slightly and noticed that Isabel's face had gone pale and she was fighting a sheen of tears.
[I]Oh, and why exactly is it that you've noticed Isabel's tears there Alex?[/I] he asked himself sarcastically. [I]Is it possibly because you are looking at Isabel to avoid looking at Liz. Suck it up and be the dorky goofball Liz knows and loves![/I]
After having that little talk with himself, Alex straightened up and bestowed Liz with one of his infamous grins. "Lizzie! Uhm, nice to see you out and about!" Alex cringed at what came out of his mouth. Okay, so he overdid the dorky part and underemphasized the goofball part.
Liz's face darkened as she looked down pointedly at the chair. "Don't you mean down and about?"
Alex faltered for a minute, unsure of how to proceed. He knew of Liz's current condition via Maria and her hysterics, but it was hard to actually adjust to fact that Liz- vibrant, vivacious Liz - was confined to a wheelchair. Isabel shifted uncomfortably next to him, the air suddenly felt congested with tension.
In the end though, he ended up doing what he always did. Break the ice with another corny line. He cleared his throat and the two nurses took there leave.
"Whatcha doing? Breaking out of this joint already?"
He saw out the corner of his eye, Isabel rolling her eyes, yet letting her shoulder sag with relief from the departure of the building tension.
Liz also rolled her eyes, but he detected a faint, memorable smile curve at the corner of her lips. "No. My parents were just here. They agreed with the doctor that it's time for me to go home. I'll be leaving in an hour or so."
"Well thank God. I myself was getting bloated from all that cafeteria food."
Isabel groaned, but Liz actually laughed outright - granted it was short, but it was still SOMETHING - and she beckoned Alex to her. "I love you Alex," She said simply.
Alex needed no further invitation than that and with two steps he had Liz crushed in the biggest hug she could fathom. "Not that I'm not tickled pink, but is there any reason why you chose to express your love and adoration for little ole me at this time?" He teased.
They broke apart, and he was met with Liz's shining eyes - beautiful brown orbs that he had had begun to believe he might never see again. Oh, how jubilant was he to see them again.
"You can always manage to make me laugh, even when things seem depressingly low."
Alex winced at her heartfelt statement, and he felt a burning rage begin to grip his insides.
Liz however, was thankfully unaware of this new development, as she was looking past Alex towards Isabel, who was hovering uncertainly near the door.
"Aren't you going to come over here Isabel?" Liz asked her friend, a hint of teasing evident in her tone. Isabel smiled and made her way over to envelop the petite brunette in warm arms.
"Oh Liz," Isabel said softly, her eyes still shining. "I can't tell you how much we've missed you." Liz smiled her thanks and reached to grasp the taller girls hand. Dread twisted his stomach at the exact moment Liz's face scrunched in perplexity. She rotated Isabel's hand so it was palm down and stared at the sparkling diamond on Isabel's ring finger.
Alex was also aware of the exact moment when Isabel realized just what had happened, for she jerked away her hand as if she had been burned.
Liz met their eyes silently. It was a moment of quiet, and then, "You guys are engaged?" Her breath hitched on the last word and Alex's heart bled for her. It also cursed their stupidity. They should have taken it off, they shouldn't have just brandished it in front of her, reminding her.
"Stop."
Alex's raven head jerked upwards in surprise at Liz's tone.
Her face crumpled. "Stop blaming yourself. I can see it written on your faces, don't deny it," She warned just as Alex opened his mouth. "You shouldn't feel as though you need to protect me, as if you need to.I mean, I KNOW what Max did. And I'm dealing with it. The whole stupid thing shouldn't interfere with your happiness and make you feel guilty for wearing a goddamn ring!" During her little oration, Liz's voice had grown higher and higher until the last word was a piercing shriek. Her voice caught, and a helpless, wrenching sound came out of Liz's throat - a wail so primal, so full of PAIN that it sent Alex's blood boiling, threatening to overspill like scalding water onto its cooking captor.
Liz buried her face into her hands for a few moments, and Alex and Isabel shared a few powerless glances. What could they do?
Her compose sought out and put back in place, Liz drew in a shuddering breath and smiled feebly at them. "Sorry. For a minute there I just." Her eyes watered and their expression made Alex want to find Max Evans and grind him into a bloody pulp. "Sorry," she whispered.
"Liz," Alex started, "You have absolutely."
Liz shook her head, willing him into quiet submission. "No. That's not what we should be talking about right now." She smiled genuinely up at Isabel, her eyes shining in a proverbial fashion, shining in a way that let Alex know that their Liz was still in there. "Now. Details, Izzy, details. I want to know EVERYTHING about the wedding."
Isabel's face lit up despite herself, and she launched into a meticulous description of everything down to the last napkin at Table 31. Alex allowed himself to calm down and just simply ENJOY being back in the lively presence of his best friend. But deep inside, he was still seething.
--------------------------
Alex breathed deeply as he led the way out of Liz's hospital room. Once the door was safely shut behind them he let out the longest sigh of exasperation.
Isabel leaned her head on his shoulder, her blonde mane tickling his neck. Together they slowly made their way down the hallway.
"Well that was.intense," Alex commented, trying but failing to locate the right word to describe out it felt to see Liz in such a state - physically and emotionally.
Isabel made a mummer of agreement. "I know. Its just killing me to see her so." She trailed off uncertainly when Alex suddenly went rigid. "Alex?"
He couldn't answer her. He was literally seeing red. He hadn't felt this violent since the time he had witnessed that jock come on (unwontedly) to Isabel and attempt to feel her up.
For there, just in front of them, was an oncoming Max Evans.
Without even thinking, Alex strode towards the man in question, steely purpose set in his eyes.
Max's own eyes had brightened in recognition at finally noticing him. "Oh, hey Alex. Isn't that Liz's."
His words were cut off when Alex's tightly coiled fingers slammed into his jaw, effectively sending Max flying directly into the wall behind him. The nasty crunching noise combined with the flashing pain that rippled from his fist up his arm caused Alex to grimace. But his eyes still blazed steadily as he used them to deliver another striking blow to Max, this one not physical but nevertheless, it was the one that rang more true.
"Alex!" Isabel shrieked. He ignored her, breathing hard and fuming as his nostrils flared. When Max just sat there in a daze, Alex's rage once again got the best of him.
"Don't you have ANYTHING to say for yourself?" He demanded, this time managing not to yell, and also managing to keep his fist clenched at his side.
"Well, for one thing, I'm damn glad we're in a hospital," Max said ruefully, massaging the place where Alex's furious swipe had connected, and shaking his head as if to shoo away the stars dancing in front of his eyes.
Alex's eyes rounded to twice their normal size, giving his usually placid, open face a maddeningly irate look to it. He merely expelled tuffs of hot air, clearly too appalled to even speak. His vision was blurring. He didn't think he had EVER been so angry.
But then, he didn't think he would ever see Lizzie so hurt. The thought sent him off once again.
If there was one thing to know about Alexander Whitman it was this. He was deadly passionate about those he loved. No one EVER hurt his kin and got away without answering to him. And Liz was his kin. His friend, his SISTER, his ying to his yang. The third addition to the trio, consisting also of him and Maria.
And furthermore, it was LIZ. It was supremely implausible that anyone would even consider harming her - physically or emotionally. She was just that kind of person. Beautiful in every way, inside and out. Kind, compassionate, nurturing, smart.the best and brightest of them all. Additionally, if you had asked Alex who he thought was the one person you could trust to never hurt Liz, he would have told you without a moments hesitation or doubt that that person was Max Evans.
Which was why, most likely, that this whole situation seemed to be getting worse and worse by the minute. Because it WAS inconceivable, it WAS disconcerting.It WAS almost as if the world had spun off its axis.
Max groaned and straightened himself up. Instantly his eyes shone with tears, remorse.and unfathomable GUILT. Alex glared back, willing himself not to waver in his mind. But damn, if Evans didn't look as bad.
Well, really, as bad as Liz.
This only furthered Alex's thought that things couldn't be more screwed up if they tried.
------------------------
Elizabeth Parker stared incessantly at the linoleum floor of her hospital room. It was funny, in a non-comical manner. The way this room seemed like that of a stranger's, when in all actuality, she had spent three years of her life in here.
[I]Wasted,[/I] She thought unceremoniously. [I]The word isn't spent; it's wasted. Three years that you'll never get back, no matter how hard you try. Just like you'll never walk again, no matter how hard you try..[/I]
She resolutely ordered herself to stop being so pessimistic. She wanted the old Liz back, the 'everything's got a silver lining to it, sunshine on a happy day' Liz. But she was gone. Lost forever, slipping away slowly once the bad news had been revealed.
Its replacement was a numb, shell of a person. Someone bitter. And dejected.
[I]Max is engaged. And not to you.[/I]
The very thought was like drinking your own bile. Her very soul felt raw, beaten. How could he?
However, it wasn't as if they could have picked up where they left off had he waited for her. She was crippled now. Confined to a hateful wheelchair, incarcerated within her own body. It was supremely frustrating when she wanted to get up, NEEDED to get up - and all she could do was lie there like some worthless sack until someone helped her.
Liz Parker didn't need HELP. Liz Parker was independent. Liz Parker thrived on control.
Liz Parker was dead. At least that version of her was.
Because really, did she honestly think that things would have worked out for her and Max had he waited? She was a goddamn paraplegic for Pity's Sake. Helpless, dependent, and truly lacking control of anything these days. [I]She[/I] didn't even want to be around herself. Unfortunately, she had the inauspicious quandary of, well, being herself. She couldn't escape it - it being that kind of hindered lifestyle.
But Max could. Perhaps it was best this way.
Or perhaps not.
As if materialized from her thoughts, Max Evans appeared in her doorway. Her breath sucked sharply in at the sight of him - a quirk that had obviously not diminished in when she had been in her comatose state. For the briefest of minutes, time stood blissfully still, and all Liz did was drink in the sight of the man she loved.
It was then that she remembered that he had apparently not loved her back in the same fervor. Her expression hardened, especially when she remembered her current (although now it looked to be [I]permanent[/I]) condition. She willed her face not to enflame. Her insecurities about the God-forsaken chair rushed forward again with a vengeance.
"Hello Liz." How was it that his voice had not changed even one decibel, one syllable?
"Max." Her emotions were in a tide of confusion, lapping at the shore, just out of her reach. She had yet to wrap them around her mind in a meticulous, comprehensible manner.
"What are you doing here Max?"
Now why had she asked that? She knew perfectly well from Isabel's earlier visit that Max was planning to stop by. She KNEW he was coming. And yet, the whole ordeal seemed.odd. Out of place. Like if he was going to come see her, he should have done so earlier or not at all.
He winced, but then his gaze was true. And damn him if it didn't still turn her insides into quivering fish upon a frying skillet: sparking, popping, fiery. He cleared his throat nervously, yet his voice rang steady and heartfelt. Almost as if the next words out of his mouth were ones he was born to say.
"I wanted to see you."
Liz held her breath in one exultant moment. Hope flooded through her, rushing in her ears. There was something about his voice.something that hinted at a possibly chance for.
She immediately clamped down upon the idea. Her eyes turned steely. "Was that before or after you proposed to another women?"
Again, Max visibly cringed. "Liz.I."
Suddenly, his presence was extremely painful. Hot bursts of hurt exploded within her body, and she could feel the tears starting to sting - the tears being the ramifications of a brain overload. Everything was coming at her with full force, and his being here was too much right now.
Her heart bled at the thought that at one time, his presence had never been quite enough.
"Maybe you should just go," Liz muttered quietly, not permitting her voice to go any higher. She didn't trust it to not exemplify all of her feelings, knowing that if she spoke above a whisper, everything would be laid out in front of him, more blatantly than cards in the last round of a poker game.
Max stood there for a minute, his expression entirely indecipherable. Which hurt her in some irrational way. The fact that she could no longer read him stung her, stung her more than the offensive tubes in her arms had.
"Is that what you want?" He asked finally, sounding crestfallen. A ripple of hollow disbelief and irritation flew through her. [I]He[/I] was the one who seemed dejected. How unbelievably wrong and stupid was that?
Bitterness washed over her as she took in his words with such a force that she could almost taste the awful flavor on her tongue. How DARE he. She tutted a hot puff of air outward, freeing all of her animosity.
Max's eyes, his beautiful, moving damn eyes, widened in concern. "What?" He implored gently. His tone however, had the opposite of the intended affect, and succeeded in only encouraging her anger.
"[I]What I want.[/I]" She mocked darkly. Her eyes flashed with perilous fire, and she noted Max's sudden swallow of apprehension. "What I want? It should be quite obvious what I want, shouldn't it Max?" She suddenly laughed, the empty, mirthless sound filling the room, and chilling the walls. When the awful sound subsided, her voice was replaced by something hard, tight, and cruel. Something completely NOT Liz Parker.
"What I want is to walk out of this damn chair! What I want is to wake up and find out that this was all just some horrible recurring nightmare! What I want is for you to just."
She broke off abruptly. No. She wouldn't go there, COULDN'T go there. For if she spoke her illicit thoughts, her hopes and dreams that it might still be possible for them to.No. It would make things so much more awkward. And more awkward moments were the absolute LAST thing they needed right now. As it was, they had suffered through enough of those to last a lifetime.
Max seemed at a complete loss for words. He worked his jaw uncertainly several times, before finally croaking out, "I-Liz.I didn't mean." He expelled a turbulent breath of air and some of his frustrations absconded out with it. "I'm sorry."
Liz felt the hysterical, wretched laughter bubble up within her again, but she firmly compressed down on it. "Oh." She bit out. "He's [I]sorry,[/I]. Gosh, everything just seems so much better now, doesn't it. Freaking perfect now, I [I]thank[/I] you ever so much Mr. Evans."
Max flinched at her pointed, stinging words. Liz knew she had made a direct hit. Calling him Mr. Evans, the same title she had used for his father, the same tone she had used for the one who had never been her favorite person. The fact that she was associating him with his father must have caused him a frission of pain. Or rather, it would have for the Max Evans she had known. But now, in this moment - actually, ever since she had awoke to the painful news - she couldn't tell if that boy and this man were the same being.
Max's eyes had squeezed shut, and he seemed to be trying to maintain an unyielding hold on his emotions. Despite herself, Liz felt an unfathomable surge of compunction. It wasn't right. Taking out all of her frustrations, poignancies, and hurt on him was wrong, and she knew it. A small part of her felt that he deserved it, that if he hadn't moved on without her, none of this would have happened. But she couldn't allow that illogical side to rule her. This was still MAX, and hurting him would always feel like hurting herself. She opened her mouth to say something along those lines, but Max interrupted her.
His next words caused her guilt to increase ten-fold. "I deserved that," he said painfully, his voice cracking. "If you want take a swing at me like Alex did, I would welcome that too. It would be completely justified under the." He searched for the words to describe the place they were at now, " circumstances."
"Alex did WHAT?" Liz exclaimed. She knew that Alex had some major issues with Max, and how he had handled the aftermath of the accident (Maria too for that matter), but Alex? Sweet, passive Alex? Taking to VIOLENCE? The world HAD gone crazy. And the proof of which just kept piling on, load after load.
"Yea. I guess he was trying to knock some sense into me - literally." Max rubbed his jaw ruefully.
Liz gave a short laugh, and then smiled. For one instant, time seemed to mercifully rotate backwards, and as Liz meet Max's warm, infinitely [I]familiar[/I] gaze, it was almost as if nothing had changed. It was almost like Liz knew, just KNEW that she would never be able to turn away.
Blinking abruptly, Liz forced herself to get back on topic. For these kinds of thoughts.they were dangerous. Nothing good would come of them. Not at this point and time. Not when Max was.
She cleared her throat roughly, effectively breaking the mood. Max's eyes clouded over once more.
"So uhm, what I meant to say before was," Liz tore her eyes from his face, and forced herself to look at the floor of the room. Her gaze momentarily caught upon the wheels of the damn chair she was sitting in, and rage clouded her mind, swirling in its murky depths. She took a deep breath and coerced herself to push it aside and continue. "The thing is Max, you DON'T deserve this - any of this. I shouldn't have lashed out at you." It was then that she allowed herself the brief luxury of becoming lost in his tawny gaze. It took a moment before she remembered with a pang, that that luxury was no longer hers to own.
Max dug his fingers into his scalp, and coated his face with his palms. "Liz," he choked out in a strangled voice. "You have no idea.you don't know how much.how much I just wish." Liz leaned unconsciously forward, intent on catching his every word, thinking that maybe, just maybe he would.
His yearning words were cut off by the door squeaking open. Both pairs of brown eyes jerked to the disturbance to reveal.
"Tess?" Max blurted out before he could stop himself.
Liz was frozen. Albeit reluctantly, she forced herself to take a look at the woman who had glided into Liz's treasured place - Max's heart. She felt her breath hitch when she locked eyes with a sheen of icy hardened blue. Something about the look Tess pierced her with sent a frigid wave down her spine. It reeked of an admonition.
But really, Liz could not blame her. Heaven knew what was going through the poor girl's mind; her fiancé's ex-fiancé coming back from the dead - or at least that's what it felt like to Liz. Yet, Liz couldn't find it in her to like the girl. It seemed that Liz was an expert in the field of irrationality these days. To Liz, Tess was the blockade, the one thing preventing her from her old life, her perfectly imperfect life with Max. It was all she wanted, all she had ever wanted. But Tess.now she wanted it too. And that made an emotion so foreign to rise inside of Liz Parker. Hate tumbled through her veins like wild fire spiraling down a hill.
Who was to say which girl was rightfully Max's? Only Max. And he wasn't being real verbal about his decision as of now.
Liz held Tess's gaze for a moment, and then was shocked to discover something else flicker in the blonde's eyes. Something almost like.
[I]No.[/I] It couldn't be. Liz must just be projecting her own wishful thinking into the situation. There was no way. It wasn't even POSSIBLE.
Because for a moment, Liz had thought she had seen a glimmer of regret in Tess's eyes. And it disconcerted Liz more than anything else she had learned in the past few days.
-------------------------
Max could only gape at the figure in the doorway, unmistakable dread filling his soul.
Now really, was this the way one was supposed to act when his fiancé appeared in the doorway?
Max didn't know. He didn't know much of anything these days, except for the fact that life had taken an all too CONFUSING turn. He couldn't sleep anymore. Instead, he tossed and he turned, wondering vaguely what they had all done in their past lives to deserve such turmoil.
But when he had walked into the room today, and seen Liz's beautiful, blissfully [I]expressive[/I] face swing towards him (if there was one thing he had ached for during the time when she was comatose, it was the way her face always spoke volumes to him), things had momentarily seemed so clear, so set out, that he had forgotten entirely about Tess.
The moment had been short-lived, however, at Liz's bone gnashing anger. But oh, how his heart had reached out for her when he first caught a glimpse at her lovely face. How his body had simply hummed for her.how his soul cried out with its every being just to hold her, brush back her hair.
The insatiable need for her had dimmed at the sight of her anger.and the sight of her condition. Once again, he squirmed with guilt. HE had put her there, it was HIS fault she was in that chair, HIS fault she was so upset.HIS fault he was so confused and in such a bind. If only he hadn't been as stupid as to run into that car (no matter what the police report said about how it had been the other driver's fault, he still believed otherwise), or furthermore, if he hadn't been as stupid as to involve her in his inane life, then maybe she was still have hers, in an untarnished fashion.
It was then that he realized just WHY he had stopped coming to see her some time ago and gotten involved with Tess. The guilt he had harbored everyday, of seeing her just LIE there, and knowing that it was entirely his fault.
It had slowly killed him. Crushed him with the knowledge that she would have been better off without him, and that maybe, just maybe if he left her alone, nothing else worse would happen to her.
He had heard Michael's quiet anger over the phone when he had called with the news. He had felt Alex's burning rage this afternoon.he KNEW everyone was joining in on his blame parade.
What's more, is that he KNEW he should just stay away from her, let her rebuild her life, a life away from his own so he couldn't hurt her again..
But he was weak.
He had spoken the truth when he said he had wanted to see her. But what he omitted was that he HAD to see her. His body would have eaten at him, his impatience and anxiety over whether she was truly all right was more insistent than his guilt. He had wanted one more touch, one more look.
However, after seeing her, after feeling everything rush back into place and out of the dark boxes in his mind (and consequently, his closet as well), and he knew. One more moment was never going to be enough. His entire soul craved more, ravenous and greedy for more Liz-time (as his teenage self had referred it as).
He had even almost admitted aloud to her how much he craved they could go back, even for just a second.
Tess's untimely arrival, however, gave him a shocking bolt to the present.
Had he not moved on? Wasn't he supposed to be marrying TESS?
[I]Weren't you supposed to be marrying LIZ[/I] A voice mocked in his head. He waved it away.
His mind was about to implode with all the uncertainty and wishy-washy thoughts floating around. Right now he needed to eliminate one of the two, to lessen the tension and confusion in his mind - and consequently in the room as well.
"Tess." He stated flatly. "Can you wait outside for me please?"
Her face darkened considerably, and Max knew he would pay for this later. She pouted for a minute, but then turned to go, throwing out over her shoulder, "All right, see you later.[I]honey[/I]," her voice was pointed, poised for a direct hit.
Max winced and dared a look in Liz's direction. She scowled, but not before Max viewed a wave of pain flit across her features. He swallowed as the guilt and anger dived down his throat again. This was unacceptable. He should NOT be causing her MORE pain. There mere thought was like a knife to the core of his soul.
"Liz," he started, not sure what he was saying but knowing it desperately needed to be said. "Liz, I-"
Yet again, his words were interrupted by a figure striding through the door. A formidable looking doctor straightened his glasses. "Elizabeth Parker?"
Liz snapped towards him, her eyes questioning. "Yes?"
The doctor ambled over to the bed and sat down neatly, perching himself carefully on the edge. Max wanted to scream at the lull. The doctor obviously had something to announce of sorts, and dragging it out was like someone was tugging out his hair - strand by strand.
The doctor cleared his throat and finally spoke. "I have a proposal for you, Elizabeth. One that could very well conclude with you retaining the use of your legs."
Max could literally feel Liz perk up at the words. He frowned at the doctor's grave tone however, and pursed his lips, waiting for it.
"It involves a experimental surgery and rehabilitation technique, one that deals with the nerves and leg muscle. The surgery itself a relatively new concept and approach, but it has had an eighty percent chance at success."
Max heard Liz's distinctive sharp intake of excited breath, but he was more concerned about the numbers.
"And what of the other twenty percent.?" Max queried.
The doctor hesitated, straightening his crisp white coat. "There is always, for sure, a slight chance that something may go wrong in surgery."
"And?" Max prompted, his nostrils flaring.
"And more paralysis may result.and in few cases fatality is a result."
Max felt his heart stop for a few terrifying moments, and trepidation crawled along his spine. His first coherent thought was a big, large [b]NO[/b]
"I'm doing it," Liz said with concrete certainty.
While his heart had stopped before, now it sped up with frightening speed. He felt as if he was spirling out of control, loosing a vital part of himself. That if he watched her put herself directly into more danger, if he lost her AGAIN.
He would simply cease to exist.
"Liz, I really don't think that you should."
It seemed as though today was the day of interruptions. Liz cut him off brusquely, her eyes glittering angrily.
"It's MY decision Max, and really, it's not your problem anymore." Her tone was flat and steely, aloof, but Max could hear the undertones of anguish in her voice, and he longed to just gather her up in his arms, and aching when he knew he could not.
But what he heard, saw and felt toady only furthered his next thought.
Although it really WASN'T his decision it for sure was still his problem. He was still irrevocably involved in this; his guilt, and.feelings still far too attached and melded with the strong, obstinate women in front of him. And he would see it through until it was resolved, wherever it took him, whenever it called.