The Rest of My Life
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I would be on a beach in Aruba, not making up stories on my computer.
A/N: AU, but basic Angelverse with a few twists. Cordelia did NOT become a higher power. Connor realized how much of a SLIMEBALL Holtz was, and Wes is back in A.I. with open arms.
Summary: Cordelia leaves A.I. and five years later realizes just how much she lost.
**Sitting here, daydreaming about you, oh everything we had, wish I could get it back.**
Ha, it's funny how these things happen. Funny how the first things I said to Angel were about me living in my Malibu with a "successful" acting career. And now, that's where I am. I remember it like it was yesterday. October 5, 1999. I went to that stupid party, thinking that I was really what that director wanted. Russell Winters. That is a name I will never forget. Too bad he was just another slimy demon trying to end my life. A vampire planning to suck me dry. And Angel saved me. And from that day on, it was Angel and I. And Doyle. I could never forget him. And when Doyle died, it was just me and Angel. We were there for each other. He became my best friend.
**I can see your face whenever I'm sleeping, but it hurts when I realize I'm dreaming**
I try to be happy. I really do. And I should. I have what I always dreamed of. An amazing career in acting, a rich and gorgeous boyfriend, and that dream house in Malibu. And here I am, sitting on my back porch, staring at the white beaches and the beautiful sunset and I wish I were in L.A. I wish I were back with Angel. With Wesley. And Gunn. And Fred, and Connor and even Lorne. They were my family. The closest I had ever been to anyone. And I left that, all because of some stupid fight.
I wanted our lives to get back to normal. After that whole Angel-in-the-ocean fiasco, business was a little slow. It was just a normal day; I went to the butchers to pick up some blood for Angel. And he saw me. My boyfriend, that is, though he wasn't my boyfriend at the time. A spitting image of Lindsey McDonald. And his name was Kristian. Kristian Cain. And he asked me to be in his movie. I mean, this was my DREAM. What I always wanted to do. I wasn't planning on leaving A.I., I wasn't even sure that I could do this. And I told Angel. And he said no.
***
"What the hell do you mean 'no'?"
"Cordelia, are you out of your mind? You can't just leave and make a movie! We have jobs, we have things to do!"
"Angel, I don't even know if I am going to do it. I just wanted to try! And you can't tell me what I can and can't do!"
"I'm your boss and I am demanding that you not do this!"
"You are also supposed to be my best friend! How dare you say that to me! I am sick of this shit Angel. I want to do what I WANT TO DO."
"Cordelia, don't walk out that door."
"Angel. Fuck off."
***
And those were the last words I said to my best friend. I don't know why I was so mad, why I didn't even talk to him about it. I guess…I guess that I couldn't believe he told me no. I mean, he watched the shit I went through for acting and he had always been supportive. And now, all the sudden, he wasn't. I was shocked. I was angry. I didn't handle it well. But those were still my last words to him and I couldn't take them back.
I took the job. I made the movie. And it was a success. The night of the premiere, Kristian was on my arm and we walked down the red carpet. And I thought it was the best night of my life. And that night, when I came home and fell asleep in my bed, I had a dream. I dreamed of him. I woke up and I cried. And from that night on, I always dream of Angel. And it hurts.
**There've been a few who've tried to take your place. I've been on many dates, still it just ain't the same.**
I tried to get over him. I really did. I went out. I dated. I had a fling with one of the actors in my film. He was cute. It didn't last. And you know who else asked me on a date? Matthew McConaughey. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!! Good Lord, could it have gotten better than that? I went. I tried to be happy. Tried to be interested. In him, in what he was saying, even in his pretty face. It didn't work. Ha, I even tried with Xander again. Xander Harris. Because of him I have this scar on my stomach. From him and his cheating. I wasn't afraid of Willow anymore, considering she's a lesbian. But that didn't work either. It wasn't there anymore. And I ended it. I think he knew. Knew that I was in love. And he asked me who he was. I didn't tell him, but I think he knew. I still talk to Xander. He and I have gotten pretty close. But he's not Angel.
**If it's not a letter sent from you, then I don't read it. If it's not a gift sent from you, then I don't need it. I've been longing just to find somebody like you, but nobody can do it quite like you **
And then Kristian came along. He is gorgeous. Rich. Successful. Human. Ha, never thought that would be a requirement. Especially after all that crap from high school. He sent me flowers, and cards, and presents. He took me out to fancy restaurants, vacations on the Islands. We went out in the SUN. I never thought I could soak in enough sun to cancel out the years I spent being best friends with a vampire. And when I got into my bed at night, I realized it didn't matter. I would have given up the sun for him. I would have given up anything to be with him. To stay with my family. The gang. Angel, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor. They were all I had in the world that mattered, the ones that loved me unconditionally, the most important thing I had. I just realized that too late.
**I took your pictures off the wall, that didn't seem to help at all.**
I have pictures of him, of Angel. He didn't want me to take them, but I did. And I have Wes, and Gunn, and Fred. Baby Connor and grown-up Connor.
***
"Cordelia, what is that?"
"It's a camera stupid, what does it look like?"
"I know that. Why do you have one?"
"To take pictures! Angel, have you gone stupid or something?"
"Take pictures of who?"
"Of you!"
"Get away from me! Delia! Stop it!"
Flash. Flash. Flash.
"God, those are going to look awful."
"Well, you should have smiled."
Flash.
"I wasn't smiling in that one!"
"But you were glaring, and you are cute when you glare."
"I am not cute."
"Whatever. Now where are the others?"
***
And after I took them down, it didn't help. It just made it worse. But I couldn't see his face. It hurt me, a soul hurt, a body hurt. And when Connor visits, I can see how he is growing up to be so much like his father. I still see Fred, and how much she has grown over the past five years. I see Gunn and how he has matured and is a wonderful man, and is going to be a great father. And Wesley, my sweet Wesley. He has gotten darker, but is happier than I have seen him in a long time. They are living without me. I don't ask if they want me back, and they don't ask if I want to come back. They know what the answer will be. I don't like thinking about it. It hurts. But I will not say sorry. Angel is not sorry, so I can't be either. I have to be strong. For me.
**I thought that I could live without your love, you know I tried. But I feel incomplete when I don't have you in my life.**
And here I am, sipping on my Bacardi cocktail, dreaming that Angel was here beside me. It doesn't feel right, being alone like this. Having all this space to myself. But that's what money gives you. Not happiness but space. I have had three movies since the first one, all blockbusters. And I have two more slated to come out in the next year. But that's not what I want. I don't want anymore money, anymore success. I want my family back.
I still call. I am still the Seer. I just…don't talk to Angel. I tell Fred or Wes, and of course, Angel saves the day. Just like he always has. Sometimes I go to the Hyperion to see how they are all doing. I usually call first. Fred always answers the phone. I tell them I am gonna show up, and I make sure that Angel isn't there. I don't know if I can face him. I don't know if I could face him. I made a mistake, but I can't say sorry. I won't. Because it doesn't seem as if it matters to him that I'm gone. But I can feel that he's gone. Sometimes, I just want to be able to climb into his arms and for him to tell me that everything is gonna be okay. That he will hold me if the visions scare me, that he will always be there for me, that he will always be my best friend…that he will always love me.
Kristian doesn't fill that empty space in my heart. I feel…I feel incomplete. Like a part of me is missing. I know whom that part belongs to. I know that it belongs to Angel. I know that only he can make me feel whole again. And I know that eventually, I am going to have to break it off with Kristian. He loves me, but I don't love him. I can't. And I know that if I can't have Angel…I'll be single for the rest of my life.
**If I can't have you, I'll just be single for the rest of my life. 'Cause you can't be replaced by nobody else, I'll go crazy if I can't have you for myself. If I can't have you, I'll just be single for the rest of my life. I've decided that nobody can compare to you, there's nobody that can make me feel the way you do.**
Disclaimer: If they were mine, I would be on a beach in Aruba, not making up stories on my computer.
A/N: AU, but basic Angelverse with a few twists. Cordelia did NOT become a higher power. Connor realized how much of a SLIMEBALL Holtz was, and Wes is back in A.I. with open arms.
Summary: Cordelia leaves A.I. and five years later realizes just how much she lost.
**Sitting here, daydreaming about you, oh everything we had, wish I could get it back.**
Ha, it's funny how these things happen. Funny how the first things I said to Angel were about me living in my Malibu with a "successful" acting career. And now, that's where I am. I remember it like it was yesterday. October 5, 1999. I went to that stupid party, thinking that I was really what that director wanted. Russell Winters. That is a name I will never forget. Too bad he was just another slimy demon trying to end my life. A vampire planning to suck me dry. And Angel saved me. And from that day on, it was Angel and I. And Doyle. I could never forget him. And when Doyle died, it was just me and Angel. We were there for each other. He became my best friend.
**I can see your face whenever I'm sleeping, but it hurts when I realize I'm dreaming**
I try to be happy. I really do. And I should. I have what I always dreamed of. An amazing career in acting, a rich and gorgeous boyfriend, and that dream house in Malibu. And here I am, sitting on my back porch, staring at the white beaches and the beautiful sunset and I wish I were in L.A. I wish I were back with Angel. With Wesley. And Gunn. And Fred, and Connor and even Lorne. They were my family. The closest I had ever been to anyone. And I left that, all because of some stupid fight.
I wanted our lives to get back to normal. After that whole Angel-in-the-ocean fiasco, business was a little slow. It was just a normal day; I went to the butchers to pick up some blood for Angel. And he saw me. My boyfriend, that is, though he wasn't my boyfriend at the time. A spitting image of Lindsey McDonald. And his name was Kristian. Kristian Cain. And he asked me to be in his movie. I mean, this was my DREAM. What I always wanted to do. I wasn't planning on leaving A.I., I wasn't even sure that I could do this. And I told Angel. And he said no.
***
"What the hell do you mean 'no'?"
"Cordelia, are you out of your mind? You can't just leave and make a movie! We have jobs, we have things to do!"
"Angel, I don't even know if I am going to do it. I just wanted to try! And you can't tell me what I can and can't do!"
"I'm your boss and I am demanding that you not do this!"
"You are also supposed to be my best friend! How dare you say that to me! I am sick of this shit Angel. I want to do what I WANT TO DO."
"Cordelia, don't walk out that door."
"Angel. Fuck off."
***
And those were the last words I said to my best friend. I don't know why I was so mad, why I didn't even talk to him about it. I guess…I guess that I couldn't believe he told me no. I mean, he watched the shit I went through for acting and he had always been supportive. And now, all the sudden, he wasn't. I was shocked. I was angry. I didn't handle it well. But those were still my last words to him and I couldn't take them back.
I took the job. I made the movie. And it was a success. The night of the premiere, Kristian was on my arm and we walked down the red carpet. And I thought it was the best night of my life. And that night, when I came home and fell asleep in my bed, I had a dream. I dreamed of him. I woke up and I cried. And from that night on, I always dream of Angel. And it hurts.
**There've been a few who've tried to take your place. I've been on many dates, still it just ain't the same.**
I tried to get over him. I really did. I went out. I dated. I had a fling with one of the actors in my film. He was cute. It didn't last. And you know who else asked me on a date? Matthew McConaughey. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY!! Good Lord, could it have gotten better than that? I went. I tried to be happy. Tried to be interested. In him, in what he was saying, even in his pretty face. It didn't work. Ha, I even tried with Xander again. Xander Harris. Because of him I have this scar on my stomach. From him and his cheating. I wasn't afraid of Willow anymore, considering she's a lesbian. But that didn't work either. It wasn't there anymore. And I ended it. I think he knew. Knew that I was in love. And he asked me who he was. I didn't tell him, but I think he knew. I still talk to Xander. He and I have gotten pretty close. But he's not Angel.
**If it's not a letter sent from you, then I don't read it. If it's not a gift sent from you, then I don't need it. I've been longing just to find somebody like you, but nobody can do it quite like you **
And then Kristian came along. He is gorgeous. Rich. Successful. Human. Ha, never thought that would be a requirement. Especially after all that crap from high school. He sent me flowers, and cards, and presents. He took me out to fancy restaurants, vacations on the Islands. We went out in the SUN. I never thought I could soak in enough sun to cancel out the years I spent being best friends with a vampire. And when I got into my bed at night, I realized it didn't matter. I would have given up the sun for him. I would have given up anything to be with him. To stay with my family. The gang. Angel, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor. They were all I had in the world that mattered, the ones that loved me unconditionally, the most important thing I had. I just realized that too late.
**I took your pictures off the wall, that didn't seem to help at all.**
I have pictures of him, of Angel. He didn't want me to take them, but I did. And I have Wes, and Gunn, and Fred. Baby Connor and grown-up Connor.
***
"Cordelia, what is that?"
"It's a camera stupid, what does it look like?"
"I know that. Why do you have one?"
"To take pictures! Angel, have you gone stupid or something?"
"Take pictures of who?"
"Of you!"
"Get away from me! Delia! Stop it!"
Flash. Flash. Flash.
"God, those are going to look awful."
"Well, you should have smiled."
Flash.
"I wasn't smiling in that one!"
"But you were glaring, and you are cute when you glare."
"I am not cute."
"Whatever. Now where are the others?"
***
And after I took them down, it didn't help. It just made it worse. But I couldn't see his face. It hurt me, a soul hurt, a body hurt. And when Connor visits, I can see how he is growing up to be so much like his father. I still see Fred, and how much she has grown over the past five years. I see Gunn and how he has matured and is a wonderful man, and is going to be a great father. And Wesley, my sweet Wesley. He has gotten darker, but is happier than I have seen him in a long time. They are living without me. I don't ask if they want me back, and they don't ask if I want to come back. They know what the answer will be. I don't like thinking about it. It hurts. But I will not say sorry. Angel is not sorry, so I can't be either. I have to be strong. For me.
**I thought that I could live without your love, you know I tried. But I feel incomplete when I don't have you in my life.**
And here I am, sipping on my Bacardi cocktail, dreaming that Angel was here beside me. It doesn't feel right, being alone like this. Having all this space to myself. But that's what money gives you. Not happiness but space. I have had three movies since the first one, all blockbusters. And I have two more slated to come out in the next year. But that's not what I want. I don't want anymore money, anymore success. I want my family back.
I still call. I am still the Seer. I just…don't talk to Angel. I tell Fred or Wes, and of course, Angel saves the day. Just like he always has. Sometimes I go to the Hyperion to see how they are all doing. I usually call first. Fred always answers the phone. I tell them I am gonna show up, and I make sure that Angel isn't there. I don't know if I can face him. I don't know if I could face him. I made a mistake, but I can't say sorry. I won't. Because it doesn't seem as if it matters to him that I'm gone. But I can feel that he's gone. Sometimes, I just want to be able to climb into his arms and for him to tell me that everything is gonna be okay. That he will hold me if the visions scare me, that he will always be there for me, that he will always be my best friend…that he will always love me.
Kristian doesn't fill that empty space in my heart. I feel…I feel incomplete. Like a part of me is missing. I know whom that part belongs to. I know that it belongs to Angel. I know that only he can make me feel whole again. And I know that eventually, I am going to have to break it off with Kristian. He loves me, but I don't love him. I can't. And I know that if I can't have Angel…I'll be single for the rest of my life.
**If I can't have you, I'll just be single for the rest of my life. 'Cause you can't be replaced by nobody else, I'll go crazy if I can't have you for myself. If I can't have you, I'll just be single for the rest of my life. I've decided that nobody can compare to you, there's nobody that can make me feel the way you do.**