Chapter 2 The Feel of Your Warm Hands
My body was warm. I couldn't feel the raindrops hitting against my back anymore. It didn't much matter though, all I knew I felt was something soft all around me. For a second I could remember anything. The soft droplets on the window. The warm bed. My wet clothes. My messy hair... then the image of Wataru and the other girl hit me... at first it wasn't much, I easily replaced the image with me as in too many of my dreams. But then the pain hit me. Like a thousands knifes the image stabbed into my chest. I felt an empty feeling in my heart. There was something bidding at me. The pain was almost unbearable again until I heard Wataru's voice in the background. Just the voice took a little pain away.
I saw his cherry face for the first time in a long time. It was almost painful to know that I had betrayed someone so close to me. I couldn't help but feel even more sorry for Wataru when I told him about who I really was. But I couldn't now... not with image of Yumiko in my head. I hid my head beneath the sheets and cried bitterly to myself. I hoped he couldn't hear me, but it was obvious. I was in Wataru's bed after fainting on the streets of Shinjuku, there had to be something.
"Karen, you're awake!" Wataru rushed over. He seemed changed when I saw his face clearly after he pulled away my sheets.
"Hello, onii-san," I choked with guilt and jealousy.
"Are you okay?" I gave him a innocent look, but I burned inside.
"You just ran out..."
"I'm okay, I was just too happy, that I actually found you and I didn't want you to see me all wet..." I lied. Wataru hugged me dearly.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming to town?"
"..." I didn't know how to reply.
"I'm sorry if I haven't been returning your mail," Wataru smiled. "But school keeps me busy, and there is Yumiko." My heart stopped when he said her name. "But you could've called."
"I thought, onii-san had forgot all about me." I said with pain in my voice. He looked at me with teary eyes.
"Karen, how can I forget about you?" He hugged me again. His embrace was so bitter sweet. I felt as though it was something that I was forbidden to feel, that was to feel good. I thought I wasn't supposed to love him like that. Like Yumiko. In his eyes, I was sister, and Yumiko was his girlfriend. I felt as the only reason that I had lived had been shattered. Those endless night I spent waiting for his letters, those mornings where I was reach out to the ocean hoping to find his face... all shatter when I finally came. I wanted to turn back time, but knowing that I couldn't I felt as there was no point in living anymore. I felt my tears slowly crawl down my cheeks. Wataru had felt it too.
"You're crying, Karen what's wrong?" He gave me a concerned look as he broke his embrace.
"Nothing, I'm just so happy to see my onii-san." I lied.
"I'm glad to see you to."
I tried to give smile, but found it hard with the heavy depression on my face.
"Karen, you're more than happy to stay here if you want."
"My belongings are at the hotel."
"Nonsense. You should stay here. There is no reason for my little sister to have to live in a hotel." I tried to hide the terrible subject that Wataru had just suggested. I was trapped, nothing to do but agree. At least, I thought, it would make him happy to see me everyday.
"Are you going to be here for the remainder of Spring Break?"
"I suppose." I lied again. I didn't have much else to say but to be polite. I didn't want to see that wonderful smile on Wataru's face disappeared. He had listened to me and he didn't seem to wear his glasses any longer. The way he sat next to me on his bed, made the scene ever so romantic, but of course, all I could stare at was his beauty. Plain as that, nothing more, I suppressed all other feelings knowing that it would end whatever relationship I had with my 'brother' thus far.
"Great I'll pick up the stuff at the hotel then... you rest."
"It's the Shinjuku Prince Hotel..."
"I see."
"Room 402..."
Wataru nodded.
"Here is the key," I dug in my pocket.
"I'll check out too then."
I nodded.
"Karen?"
"Yes..."
"Rest up, you look tired..." Wataru was still worried about finding me fainted on the floor no doubt. He had been nice enough not to persist in asking about it. I knew that if Wataru really wanted to know, I had no choice but to tell him the truth. I could hardly hide it from him with him not being there. Now that I was to be spending two weeks under the same roof, I hope that I didn't have to ever.
The moist damp air of the shower comforted me. I could feel my tears drip down to my shoulders. I caressed myself along with the water. I could feel the light taps of the water hitting my face. The pain at times was almost unbearable. To think, that I had cheated someone that I cared for so much. My chest felt heavy and my legs pulled me down, but I wasn't about to collapse in Wataru's shower. I thought of the image of him walking in to find his 'sister' fainted again. It would hurt him so much. Much more though, he would be curious and ask... and I wouldn't be able to anything but tell the truth. A sharp stab hit me when I thought of his reactions. My long hair left droplets of water to hit the bath tub. I swallowed my pain down as much as I could. I had to bear my anguish... for Wataru. I had to occupy myself.
I decided to cook after the shower. I looked around the kitchen and found myself easily lost in the ordeal of making food. I was almost ashamed that the pain had passed by. But the whenever I found a nostalgic moment in this empty house... his pictures of my 'sisters' his pictures of me... his pictures of Yumiko. There were stabs to my heart. The acute sense that something was missing. I nearly cut myself when drowning in my woe. I didn't know what I would do when I saw him again.
As the stove began to heat. Wataru came back with my belongings.
"Wow! It smells great!" He said in the doorway. It was still raining.
"Wakarenaisei, onii-sama!" I called back with a little hint of forced happiness in my voice.
He walked in seemingly drenched from the rain holding my belongings in a duffle bag which seemed to be perfectly dry. He looked surprised to see me in my pajamas and my wet hair.
"Arigato... onii-san!" I thanked him.
"Non-sense."
"Please, dry off and take a shower before you catch a cold!" I pleaded. Wataru gave me a funny look then I realized the irony in what I had just said. I gave a pleasant smile. Wataru seemed to think that I was back to normal... or his little sister again.
"Hurry, after you're done, the food should be ready..." I forced a smile again.
Wataru walked off to his shower as I tended to the food again.
When he came back in casual clothing I had already set up the table. It occurred to me that it was already nightfall again. That meant I had been I Tokyo for 2 days now, and every second from now was precious no matter how uncomfortable. I hadn't seen Wataru in such a long time a part of me... longed for his touch. I wish his hand was just stroke my cheeks as he did with Yumiko. Another part of my wanted to commit suicide for ever betraying his trust. I didn't even want to think of the pain I might cause him when he found out. I had to hide it...
We sat down to eat and he complemented on the food. I thanked him.
"So, myoto, what do you want to do tomorrow?"
"Anything onii-san feels that we should," I said hoping it wasn't something romantic.
"Lets go to Cherry Festival... supposing this rain stops." Darn it.
"Of course!" I forced a smile.
I stared at my portion and my smile disappeared. There was a long uncomfortable silence. It was just the two of us sitting there... Wataru eating, myself... trying to control my tears and dreading tomorrow. Wataru seemed to slowly notice my misery. He stopped and stared concerned.
"Okay, Karen-chan... I know something is wrong, this is wonderful food, it's the first time we've seen each other in two years and you are completely silent wearing that dismal expression on your face."
"I'm fine... I just wanted onii-san to enjoy the food first." Wataru was not satisfied the answer. I looked back down blushing and ashamed. I choked. I didn't know what to say.
"I..."
My chest became heavy, I felt like something had grasped around my heart and squeezed it. The room was hot and spinning around me.
"I..."
I couldn't say it, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. But then there was the fact of the lying to him. I knew that sooner or later it would come out. I know that sooner or later I couldn't hold it in.
"I..."
He looked at me concerned. I felt the blood rush away from my face.
"I... Love... You..." I whispered choking on my tears finally crying at the sight of his face and the image of his gentle warm hands stroking my cheeks.
Author's Note: Oh man! I'm horrible at these things...
Anyways thanks to my friend Jess for all the help with the brainstorming...
And of course to that special person who inspired me! ^^
My body was warm. I couldn't feel the raindrops hitting against my back anymore. It didn't much matter though, all I knew I felt was something soft all around me. For a second I could remember anything. The soft droplets on the window. The warm bed. My wet clothes. My messy hair... then the image of Wataru and the other girl hit me... at first it wasn't much, I easily replaced the image with me as in too many of my dreams. But then the pain hit me. Like a thousands knifes the image stabbed into my chest. I felt an empty feeling in my heart. There was something bidding at me. The pain was almost unbearable again until I heard Wataru's voice in the background. Just the voice took a little pain away.
I saw his cherry face for the first time in a long time. It was almost painful to know that I had betrayed someone so close to me. I couldn't help but feel even more sorry for Wataru when I told him about who I really was. But I couldn't now... not with image of Yumiko in my head. I hid my head beneath the sheets and cried bitterly to myself. I hoped he couldn't hear me, but it was obvious. I was in Wataru's bed after fainting on the streets of Shinjuku, there had to be something.
"Karen, you're awake!" Wataru rushed over. He seemed changed when I saw his face clearly after he pulled away my sheets.
"Hello, onii-san," I choked with guilt and jealousy.
"Are you okay?" I gave him a innocent look, but I burned inside.
"You just ran out..."
"I'm okay, I was just too happy, that I actually found you and I didn't want you to see me all wet..." I lied. Wataru hugged me dearly.
"Why didn't you tell me you were coming to town?"
"..." I didn't know how to reply.
"I'm sorry if I haven't been returning your mail," Wataru smiled. "But school keeps me busy, and there is Yumiko." My heart stopped when he said her name. "But you could've called."
"I thought, onii-san had forgot all about me." I said with pain in my voice. He looked at me with teary eyes.
"Karen, how can I forget about you?" He hugged me again. His embrace was so bitter sweet. I felt as though it was something that I was forbidden to feel, that was to feel good. I thought I wasn't supposed to love him like that. Like Yumiko. In his eyes, I was sister, and Yumiko was his girlfriend. I felt as the only reason that I had lived had been shattered. Those endless night I spent waiting for his letters, those mornings where I was reach out to the ocean hoping to find his face... all shatter when I finally came. I wanted to turn back time, but knowing that I couldn't I felt as there was no point in living anymore. I felt my tears slowly crawl down my cheeks. Wataru had felt it too.
"You're crying, Karen what's wrong?" He gave me a concerned look as he broke his embrace.
"Nothing, I'm just so happy to see my onii-san." I lied.
"I'm glad to see you to."
I tried to give smile, but found it hard with the heavy depression on my face.
"Karen, you're more than happy to stay here if you want."
"My belongings are at the hotel."
"Nonsense. You should stay here. There is no reason for my little sister to have to live in a hotel." I tried to hide the terrible subject that Wataru had just suggested. I was trapped, nothing to do but agree. At least, I thought, it would make him happy to see me everyday.
"Are you going to be here for the remainder of Spring Break?"
"I suppose." I lied again. I didn't have much else to say but to be polite. I didn't want to see that wonderful smile on Wataru's face disappeared. He had listened to me and he didn't seem to wear his glasses any longer. The way he sat next to me on his bed, made the scene ever so romantic, but of course, all I could stare at was his beauty. Plain as that, nothing more, I suppressed all other feelings knowing that it would end whatever relationship I had with my 'brother' thus far.
"Great I'll pick up the stuff at the hotel then... you rest."
"It's the Shinjuku Prince Hotel..."
"I see."
"Room 402..."
Wataru nodded.
"Here is the key," I dug in my pocket.
"I'll check out too then."
I nodded.
"Karen?"
"Yes..."
"Rest up, you look tired..." Wataru was still worried about finding me fainted on the floor no doubt. He had been nice enough not to persist in asking about it. I knew that if Wataru really wanted to know, I had no choice but to tell him the truth. I could hardly hide it from him with him not being there. Now that I was to be spending two weeks under the same roof, I hope that I didn't have to ever.
The moist damp air of the shower comforted me. I could feel my tears drip down to my shoulders. I caressed myself along with the water. I could feel the light taps of the water hitting my face. The pain at times was almost unbearable. To think, that I had cheated someone that I cared for so much. My chest felt heavy and my legs pulled me down, but I wasn't about to collapse in Wataru's shower. I thought of the image of him walking in to find his 'sister' fainted again. It would hurt him so much. Much more though, he would be curious and ask... and I wouldn't be able to anything but tell the truth. A sharp stab hit me when I thought of his reactions. My long hair left droplets of water to hit the bath tub. I swallowed my pain down as much as I could. I had to bear my anguish... for Wataru. I had to occupy myself.
I decided to cook after the shower. I looked around the kitchen and found myself easily lost in the ordeal of making food. I was almost ashamed that the pain had passed by. But the whenever I found a nostalgic moment in this empty house... his pictures of my 'sisters' his pictures of me... his pictures of Yumiko. There were stabs to my heart. The acute sense that something was missing. I nearly cut myself when drowning in my woe. I didn't know what I would do when I saw him again.
As the stove began to heat. Wataru came back with my belongings.
"Wow! It smells great!" He said in the doorway. It was still raining.
"Wakarenaisei, onii-sama!" I called back with a little hint of forced happiness in my voice.
He walked in seemingly drenched from the rain holding my belongings in a duffle bag which seemed to be perfectly dry. He looked surprised to see me in my pajamas and my wet hair.
"Arigato... onii-san!" I thanked him.
"Non-sense."
"Please, dry off and take a shower before you catch a cold!" I pleaded. Wataru gave me a funny look then I realized the irony in what I had just said. I gave a pleasant smile. Wataru seemed to think that I was back to normal... or his little sister again.
"Hurry, after you're done, the food should be ready..." I forced a smile again.
Wataru walked off to his shower as I tended to the food again.
When he came back in casual clothing I had already set up the table. It occurred to me that it was already nightfall again. That meant I had been I Tokyo for 2 days now, and every second from now was precious no matter how uncomfortable. I hadn't seen Wataru in such a long time a part of me... longed for his touch. I wish his hand was just stroke my cheeks as he did with Yumiko. Another part of my wanted to commit suicide for ever betraying his trust. I didn't even want to think of the pain I might cause him when he found out. I had to hide it...
We sat down to eat and he complemented on the food. I thanked him.
"So, myoto, what do you want to do tomorrow?"
"Anything onii-san feels that we should," I said hoping it wasn't something romantic.
"Lets go to Cherry Festival... supposing this rain stops." Darn it.
"Of course!" I forced a smile.
I stared at my portion and my smile disappeared. There was a long uncomfortable silence. It was just the two of us sitting there... Wataru eating, myself... trying to control my tears and dreading tomorrow. Wataru seemed to slowly notice my misery. He stopped and stared concerned.
"Okay, Karen-chan... I know something is wrong, this is wonderful food, it's the first time we've seen each other in two years and you are completely silent wearing that dismal expression on your face."
"I'm fine... I just wanted onii-san to enjoy the food first." Wataru was not satisfied the answer. I looked back down blushing and ashamed. I choked. I didn't know what to say.
"I..."
My chest became heavy, I felt like something had grasped around my heart and squeezed it. The room was hot and spinning around me.
"I..."
I couldn't say it, I couldn't bring myself to hurt him. But then there was the fact of the lying to him. I knew that sooner or later it would come out. I know that sooner or later I couldn't hold it in.
"I..."
He looked at me concerned. I felt the blood rush away from my face.
"I... Love... You..." I whispered choking on my tears finally crying at the sight of his face and the image of his gentle warm hands stroking my cheeks.
Author's Note: Oh man! I'm horrible at these things...
Anyways thanks to my friend Jess for all the help with the brainstorming...
And of course to that special person who inspired me! ^^