I was a little busy, plus I wanted to think this chapter over. We've learned about Giles and Faith. Time to learn what went on with Buffy all these years:
TITLE: Over her (6/?)
PART: I Try
AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
EMAIL: gabi@gschulz.de
RATING: PG (might go up)
DISTRIBUTION: Everyone who has my general permission. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: Up to Selfless
FEEDBACK: Love it. Especially if you like the story ;-)
SUMMARY: On Buffy's 25th birthday Giles visits Sunnydale, finally over her. Or so he thinks.
COUPLES: Buffy/Giles, Willow/Anya, Dawn/OC (male), mention of Wesley/Faith, Cordelia/Angel
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
DATE: 11/13/02
--------------------------
Giles knocked softly on the door, rocking Harris in his other arm.
There was no answer. He heard some noises from inside, so Buffy was there. Maybe she didn't want to see anyone. But if that were the case she'd say as much. He was about to knock again, when the door was opened.
She looked... tired somehow, but when she saw him and Harris she smiled.
"Hey."
"Hey," he answered in kind. He noticed that she had changed into her casual training gear, grey jogging pants and a white undershirt. Her hair was now tied in a pony tail.
"I'm sorry that I ruined the party."
"Oh no, *I'm* the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have dumped this on you without warning."
"Well, I'm not really sure how you could have warned me about this."
She turned around and walked to the bed, letting herself fall onto it. She lay there lost in thought and anyone who didn't know her as well as Giles would have taken it as a sign to leave her alone. Instead he stepped in and closed the door. He walked to the bed and sat down on the opposite side at the end of the bed.
She looked at him.
"I really shouldn't keep you from the party."
"I believe the party is over. Dawn and her boyfriend are cleaning up and Willow and Anya left to... check out a thing in her old room."
She snorted.
"They're insatiable."
"Uhm. At any rate you are not keeping me from anything, seeing as Harris isn't in any party mood either."
He moved Harris away from his chest to put her on the bed, when Buffy sat up and held out her hands.
"Give her to me."
He did and Buffy took Harris in her arms and lay back down, Harris on her chest. She kissed the baby's head and stroked her soft short hair.
Giles' heart constricted at the sight. She *should* be a mother, if it was her wish. And he knew that it was.
"I'll never have one of my own."
Giles wanted to protest. There was resignation in her voice and he wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she *would* have a child, but it would be a lie. Buffy was already one of the oldest Slayers in history. She was still a young woman, but she was living on borrowed time and her status as Slayer made it hard to find a man at all, let alone someone who would be willing to have a family with her. But he would have been even surer about that with Faith and now she was pregnant. Everything was possible.
"You don't know that."
"Don't I, Giles? Sure, I guess, I could just bump into Mr. Right tomorrow and we could get married and have kids before my final curtain falls, but somehow I think that's not likely."
"It's possible."
"Yes, you're right." She looked at him her face serious. "I tried. I really tried. I... haven't always.
"After Angel I thought I'd never love like that again. With Riley... and Spike, I never thought it would feel like that again. I didn't even think it should. Angel was the love of my life, but I couldn't be with him. But I also didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life, even if it's short. And I did love Riley and Spike, but it wasn't like Angel. Because I didn't let it be like Angel. If I had allowed myself to love someone like that again, it would mean that I didn't really love Angel.
"And then when Angel and Cordelia came before they went away, I realized the truth. He was happy, Giles. Cordelia made him happy. He tried to hide it in front of me. He told me the truth, but I could see that he didn't want me to actually *see* him be happy with someone else. And my first instinct was to scream at him. How dare he be happy with someone else, after all we'd been through? After I had kept loving him all those years. He just went away and got himself another girl?! Didn't I mean *anything* to him. But I did. I could see it in his eyes. He still loves me. Maybe not like then, but he hasn't forgotten. He hasn't replaced me. If he had he wouldn't have tried to hide his happiness. He felt bad for moving on, because I might see at as a... I don't know as if what we had meant nothing. But I know it will always mean something to both of us.
"And suddenly I felt so ashamed. What kind of friend doesn't want you to be happy? I made him feel bad for being happy with someone else and that's just not right. We've always known that we cannot be together. We hardly even knew each other anymore. And I didn't actually want to be with him. I know that this doesn't make sense, but I never thought 'Hey, if you can be with someone now, why not me?' I had just thought that we'd both live our lives, meeting others, even having relationships, but when we die, we'd think back on life and realize that there was only this one person. But when I saw him with Cordelia, I knew that there wasn't just this one person. He fell in love again. It doesn't mean that he didn't love me. I know he did. But it also doesn't mean that he loves Cordy less than me, because I know he doesn't. He loves both of us. And it's okay. It can happen to all of us. If we let it.
"After they left I thought a long time about love and I noticed that I never wondered about others. It had been my firm believe that there was only this one guy out there for me. And then I looked at Willow. She had loved Tara so much. Truly loved her. And now she loves Anya. And it has *never* occurred to me that she hadn't loved Tara because of that or that she didn't really love Anya now, because Tara was her true love. I know that Xander really loved Anya. But he also loved Steph. So if others can love more than one person in their life, I could, too."
Giles had listened to her silently. She had never told him any of this before, but he had had his suspicions. When he had first heard about her new boyfriend Jeff, he had cursed himself for not coming back sooner to tell her about his feelings, but then he had told himself to wait how thing would develop between them. Perhaps it would fall apart when she told him about being the Slayer. He had waited for that, but they hadn't broken up. And when he had visited he had seen the difference in Buffy. She was really happy and really in love. He had almost given up at that point but something had kept him from abandoning all hope. And eventually they had separated.
He understood what she had been going through better now.
"Jeff."
"Yes, Jeff. Well, actually, there were others. I've gone out with a few guys before I found him. And let me tell you demons are not the only weird thing going on in Sunnydale. There are some seriously disturbed people in this town. And some seriously boring."
He laughed.
"But Jeff was neither boring nor disturbed. He was really nice. And he didn't wig when I told him about slaying. For some time I thought that was it. I loved him. And I really allowed myself to love him. It was wonderful."
"What happened?"
"Nothing. I mean nothing in particular. It wasn't one single event. It just dawned on me at some point that even though he didn't mind the slaying he didn't really accept it either. He never really talked about it. Which is okay. I go slaying every day, I don't need to talk about it all the time, too. But... he basically pretended it didn't exist. When we were together he was wonderful, but as soon as something demony came up, he was like 'Oh, right. Go do that thing, good luck and when you come back we can cuddle again.' He never said anything, but as time went by I felt like I was trying to give him everything and he didn't want it all. He wanted Buffy, but he didn't want the Slayer. But I am the Slayer. So I had to break it up."
"But Michael accepted it, right? He even helped you with research."
"Yeah, Mike was all for the Slayer. And not just the Slayer. I mean he fell in love with me before he even knew about that. He helped with the research, when he could, sometimes went on patrol with me. He asked how slaying went and I knew that he totally accepted that it was a huge part of my life, so it was a part of his life, too, because he wanted *me* to be a part of his life."
"Then what went wrong?"
"I... don't know. I don't even know if things really went wrong or if it was me seeing problems where there were none. Mike admired that I was the Slayer. Which is cool, because, hey, I'm proud of it. I'm the chosen one. I have a destiny and how many people can say that of themselves? I feel good about what I do and, hell, I'll admit it sometimes I feel special, better than others. When a vampire doesn't know who I am, I get cranky. *I* have the power to stop the bad guys. Well, most of the time. But... it's not just fame and glory. I remember that one time, when we came back from slaying a nasty little demon. And I had all his gooey blood on my shirt and wasn't exactly happy about that. He said that I had killed the demon and the world was a safer place for it. I could wear the shirt with pride. And I was 'I can't wear this shirt at *all*, let alone with pride!' And it was a new one, too!"
He smiled.
"Slaying isn't just fame and glory. It can be really sucky at times, too. Accepting my destiny is good, but I don't have to like everything about it. And it's not like I do it for the fame. I don't walk around on a graveyard each night, singing a happy song about how wonderful it is to fulfill my destiny and safe the world. It's also a responsibility. One that I sometimes wish I hadn't. There was nothing glorious about being bitten by the master. There was nothing glorious about putting a sword through the man I loved. Having to decide whether you save the world or your sister is nothing that I'd wish on my greatest enemy. And carrying the body of your best friend ten miles through the woods, so that you'd at least *have* a body that you could bury is..."
Tears began streaming down her face. He moved so that he sat next to her and could pull her head to his chest. He stroked her hair, while she quietly cried, tightly holding Harris, who was still sleeping.
When she had calmed down a bit and was just sniffling, he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped her face and let her blow her nose.
"Thank you."
He just smiled at her.
She settled herself so that her back was leaning halfway against his chest. Since she obviously intended to stay in that position, he kicked off his shoes and fully lay on the bed.
"Where was I?"
"The not so glorious part of our destiny."
"Right. It's not just glory. It can be a terrible burden. But I still have to do it. And Mike didn't get that part I think. He thought I was some kind of superhero, which I am in a way, but it gets very dark sometimes. He couldn't understand why I had to blame myself for Xander's death. I *know* that I didn't kill him. It was the demon. *He* should be blamed. I did my best. Blah, blah, blah. But the thing is I *am* responsible. It is my job to make sure that everyone is safe. And that's not just the innocents running around, but also and especially those who help me. Mike didn't actually say it but in a way I think he felt it was Xander's fault. Because Xander chose to do this, when he didn't have to. He wasn't equipped for it. He didn't have the super powers. And it makes sense. I mean when I first met them I didn't want them to put themselves into danger either."
"I remember."
"But... I don't know how to explain this. In a way I think it was Xander's destiny, too. No, that's not the right word. He did it because it was the right thing for him. It *felt* right for him to do it. Maybe not like us. He didn't get a birth certificate that said 'PS: Your sacred duty is to safe the world.' But he still *had* to do it. Just like Willow. It's a part of them, too. Maybe it won't always be. Maybe they'll one day decide that they want Harris to grow up in a town that is not located on the hellmouth. And that's okay. But it's also okay for them to do this stuff, even if they don't have superpowers. Willow can stand her own in a fight, but Anya isn't as powerful. And what about Dawn or Jack? How could I tell them not to do what is right, because they could die. They know that. I know that. And we all know that at the end of the day it's my decisions that are supposed to keep everyone alive.
"It was nice of him that he didn't want me to blame myself. But the thing is, he simply couldn't understand why I did and why I still do. If I had killed Angel, Theresa and... Ms. Calendar and many others would live. If I had found a different way to rescue Willow from the Mayor without exchanging the box of creepy-crawlers, Larry and Snyder and who knows how many others would still be around. I'm not running around crying over them and telling myself that I'm worthless and doing everything wrong, because I know I don't. I do what I can. I try to always do the right thing. But sometimes the consequences are horrible. And I cannot just say that that's the price that has to be paid. I don't ever want to feel that way. I don't ever want to think that it's okay. I need to feel this pain over everyone that I couldn't save, because I'm doing all of this for *them*.
"Just like the others. What do Willow and Anya care about a stranger that is turned or killed? What does it matter to Dawn and Jack if another guy they never once met is buried? People die every day and not from demons, but things like cars and guns and stupid accidents. That... that *monster* that killed Xander just wanted *one* sacrifice. One body so that he would live for another 50 years. One death in 50 years. That's nothing, right? We could have just sat down, let him do his kill and be rid of him for another 50 years. *Xander* could have sat down and not go there and not be torn apart. But the truth is he had to do it. Because he's one of us. He has that in him. Had. And Mike didn't. And he couldn't understand it.
"And I didn't know how to make him understand. I told him about the terrible things that I had to do. He said he was impressed and proud. And I wanted to scream at him if he wasn't sorry for me. Do you remember what you told me when we fought Glory? That our destiny means that we sometimes have to do things that others can't."
"That others shouldn't have to do."
"Yes. He saw me and he saw that I could do all these things. And he's right, I can. But in a way I can't. I'm not making a lot of sense."
"No, I... I think I know what you mean. We do all these things, but sometimes it's almost not us anymore."
She turned her head to look at him.
"That's it exactly. Sometimes I hate the person that I have to be because I'm the Slayer."
"So you left him."
"I tried to make him understand and when I saw that he couldn't, I tried to ignore it. I mean, he was a nice guy, funny, good with my friends, generous and all in all he accepted my slaying. He just didn't understand it. But I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't pretend that it didn't matter. I cannot be with someone who doesn't understand who I am and who my friends are. How we tick. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. We had talked about moving in together before... Xander died. I guess it just wasn't meant to be."
"That doesn't mean that it will always be like this."
"I know. And it's not like my happiness depends on finding the right man. Actually the last couple of months were kinda nice. You can just slob around in front of the TV in old clothes. You can go to bed early after a long day of work and slaying. Plus I could hang around a lot more with my friends and my little goddaughter here."
She stroked Harris' head again.
"She's the best listener. You can complain for hours about anything and she won't mind as long if you keep your voice soft."
"I'm afraid that won't last."
"Probably not, but still, it's not like I don't have a life if I don't have a guy. So it won't be the end of the world if I stay single. And if I do meet a nice guy, I'll just see what happens. So far I didn't have luck but who knows about next time. Plus it's not as if it was all bad with Jeff and Mike. Not at all. I was really happy with them. It was fun to go out again, getting to know someone new. Falling in love! Falling in love is definitely worth it. And breakfast in bed and going out dancing and picnics and all that stuff. Even if it breaks your heart in the end it's still way better than never loving again."
She smiled at Rupert. He was deep thought.
"Hey, earth to Giles. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
"What? Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I feel the same way. With Caroline... it's just wonderful. To fall in love and to enjoy even the smallest things. She always puts her left earring on first. I asked her why and she said she didn't know, so I challenged her to do it the other way round but she refused." He smiled thinking about her. Then his face became more serious. "It was the first time in quite a while that I allowed myself to feel like that about someone else."
Buffy looked away.
"You mean since Jenny."
Rupert stiffened. What was he going to say? Tell her the truth or lie to her? Or keep still, which was similar to lying? Back then there was no question about what to do. He had been determined to keep his secret until he felt the right moment had come. But now there was no more secret to be kept. He had concluded that there would never be a right moment. It was over. There was no more reason not to tell the truth.
"No, since you."
A/N:
Cliffhanger, muahahahah. I'm evil, I know, but the break fit. So far we've learned a lot about Buffy and her relationships problems. Next chapter will be lighter, I think but necessarily outright shippy.
Thanks to all my reviewers.
: Giles is not Buffy's father. They didn't even meet before she was 16. And their relationship was never set in stone.
trishv20: I hope you liked it so far. I'll include other information/characters if I feel it's necessary. And I have to say I like the whole environment in this fic. So often in my fics it's as if Buffy and Giles had no friends at all.
Queen Boadicea: I wanted to give a fairly neutral view of Faith. I'm afraid just like the show I've abused Rupert as exposition guy. I hope Buffy isn't too childish. She shouldn't be. She's 25 now, which is still young but not a teen anymore.
TITLE: Over her (6/?)
PART: I Try
AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
EMAIL: gabi@gschulz.de
RATING: PG (might go up)
DISTRIBUTION: Everyone who has my general permission. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: Up to Selfless
FEEDBACK: Love it. Especially if you like the story ;-)
SUMMARY: On Buffy's 25th birthday Giles visits Sunnydale, finally over her. Or so he thinks.
COUPLES: Buffy/Giles, Willow/Anya, Dawn/OC (male), mention of Wesley/Faith, Cordelia/Angel
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
DATE: 11/13/02
--------------------------
Giles knocked softly on the door, rocking Harris in his other arm.
There was no answer. He heard some noises from inside, so Buffy was there. Maybe she didn't want to see anyone. But if that were the case she'd say as much. He was about to knock again, when the door was opened.
She looked... tired somehow, but when she saw him and Harris she smiled.
"Hey."
"Hey," he answered in kind. He noticed that she had changed into her casual training gear, grey jogging pants and a white undershirt. Her hair was now tied in a pony tail.
"I'm sorry that I ruined the party."
"Oh no, *I'm* the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have dumped this on you without warning."
"Well, I'm not really sure how you could have warned me about this."
She turned around and walked to the bed, letting herself fall onto it. She lay there lost in thought and anyone who didn't know her as well as Giles would have taken it as a sign to leave her alone. Instead he stepped in and closed the door. He walked to the bed and sat down on the opposite side at the end of the bed.
She looked at him.
"I really shouldn't keep you from the party."
"I believe the party is over. Dawn and her boyfriend are cleaning up and Willow and Anya left to... check out a thing in her old room."
She snorted.
"They're insatiable."
"Uhm. At any rate you are not keeping me from anything, seeing as Harris isn't in any party mood either."
He moved Harris away from his chest to put her on the bed, when Buffy sat up and held out her hands.
"Give her to me."
He did and Buffy took Harris in her arms and lay back down, Harris on her chest. She kissed the baby's head and stroked her soft short hair.
Giles' heart constricted at the sight. She *should* be a mother, if it was her wish. And he knew that it was.
"I'll never have one of my own."
Giles wanted to protest. There was resignation in her voice and he wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she *would* have a child, but it would be a lie. Buffy was already one of the oldest Slayers in history. She was still a young woman, but she was living on borrowed time and her status as Slayer made it hard to find a man at all, let alone someone who would be willing to have a family with her. But he would have been even surer about that with Faith and now she was pregnant. Everything was possible.
"You don't know that."
"Don't I, Giles? Sure, I guess, I could just bump into Mr. Right tomorrow and we could get married and have kids before my final curtain falls, but somehow I think that's not likely."
"It's possible."
"Yes, you're right." She looked at him her face serious. "I tried. I really tried. I... haven't always.
"After Angel I thought I'd never love like that again. With Riley... and Spike, I never thought it would feel like that again. I didn't even think it should. Angel was the love of my life, but I couldn't be with him. But I also didn't want to be alone for the rest of my life, even if it's short. And I did love Riley and Spike, but it wasn't like Angel. Because I didn't let it be like Angel. If I had allowed myself to love someone like that again, it would mean that I didn't really love Angel.
"And then when Angel and Cordelia came before they went away, I realized the truth. He was happy, Giles. Cordelia made him happy. He tried to hide it in front of me. He told me the truth, but I could see that he didn't want me to actually *see* him be happy with someone else. And my first instinct was to scream at him. How dare he be happy with someone else, after all we'd been through? After I had kept loving him all those years. He just went away and got himself another girl?! Didn't I mean *anything* to him. But I did. I could see it in his eyes. He still loves me. Maybe not like then, but he hasn't forgotten. He hasn't replaced me. If he had he wouldn't have tried to hide his happiness. He felt bad for moving on, because I might see at as a... I don't know as if what we had meant nothing. But I know it will always mean something to both of us.
"And suddenly I felt so ashamed. What kind of friend doesn't want you to be happy? I made him feel bad for being happy with someone else and that's just not right. We've always known that we cannot be together. We hardly even knew each other anymore. And I didn't actually want to be with him. I know that this doesn't make sense, but I never thought 'Hey, if you can be with someone now, why not me?' I had just thought that we'd both live our lives, meeting others, even having relationships, but when we die, we'd think back on life and realize that there was only this one person. But when I saw him with Cordelia, I knew that there wasn't just this one person. He fell in love again. It doesn't mean that he didn't love me. I know he did. But it also doesn't mean that he loves Cordy less than me, because I know he doesn't. He loves both of us. And it's okay. It can happen to all of us. If we let it.
"After they left I thought a long time about love and I noticed that I never wondered about others. It had been my firm believe that there was only this one guy out there for me. And then I looked at Willow. She had loved Tara so much. Truly loved her. And now she loves Anya. And it has *never* occurred to me that she hadn't loved Tara because of that or that she didn't really love Anya now, because Tara was her true love. I know that Xander really loved Anya. But he also loved Steph. So if others can love more than one person in their life, I could, too."
Giles had listened to her silently. She had never told him any of this before, but he had had his suspicions. When he had first heard about her new boyfriend Jeff, he had cursed himself for not coming back sooner to tell her about his feelings, but then he had told himself to wait how thing would develop between them. Perhaps it would fall apart when she told him about being the Slayer. He had waited for that, but they hadn't broken up. And when he had visited he had seen the difference in Buffy. She was really happy and really in love. He had almost given up at that point but something had kept him from abandoning all hope. And eventually they had separated.
He understood what she had been going through better now.
"Jeff."
"Yes, Jeff. Well, actually, there were others. I've gone out with a few guys before I found him. And let me tell you demons are not the only weird thing going on in Sunnydale. There are some seriously disturbed people in this town. And some seriously boring."
He laughed.
"But Jeff was neither boring nor disturbed. He was really nice. And he didn't wig when I told him about slaying. For some time I thought that was it. I loved him. And I really allowed myself to love him. It was wonderful."
"What happened?"
"Nothing. I mean nothing in particular. It wasn't one single event. It just dawned on me at some point that even though he didn't mind the slaying he didn't really accept it either. He never really talked about it. Which is okay. I go slaying every day, I don't need to talk about it all the time, too. But... he basically pretended it didn't exist. When we were together he was wonderful, but as soon as something demony came up, he was like 'Oh, right. Go do that thing, good luck and when you come back we can cuddle again.' He never said anything, but as time went by I felt like I was trying to give him everything and he didn't want it all. He wanted Buffy, but he didn't want the Slayer. But I am the Slayer. So I had to break it up."
"But Michael accepted it, right? He even helped you with research."
"Yeah, Mike was all for the Slayer. And not just the Slayer. I mean he fell in love with me before he even knew about that. He helped with the research, when he could, sometimes went on patrol with me. He asked how slaying went and I knew that he totally accepted that it was a huge part of my life, so it was a part of his life, too, because he wanted *me* to be a part of his life."
"Then what went wrong?"
"I... don't know. I don't even know if things really went wrong or if it was me seeing problems where there were none. Mike admired that I was the Slayer. Which is cool, because, hey, I'm proud of it. I'm the chosen one. I have a destiny and how many people can say that of themselves? I feel good about what I do and, hell, I'll admit it sometimes I feel special, better than others. When a vampire doesn't know who I am, I get cranky. *I* have the power to stop the bad guys. Well, most of the time. But... it's not just fame and glory. I remember that one time, when we came back from slaying a nasty little demon. And I had all his gooey blood on my shirt and wasn't exactly happy about that. He said that I had killed the demon and the world was a safer place for it. I could wear the shirt with pride. And I was 'I can't wear this shirt at *all*, let alone with pride!' And it was a new one, too!"
He smiled.
"Slaying isn't just fame and glory. It can be really sucky at times, too. Accepting my destiny is good, but I don't have to like everything about it. And it's not like I do it for the fame. I don't walk around on a graveyard each night, singing a happy song about how wonderful it is to fulfill my destiny and safe the world. It's also a responsibility. One that I sometimes wish I hadn't. There was nothing glorious about being bitten by the master. There was nothing glorious about putting a sword through the man I loved. Having to decide whether you save the world or your sister is nothing that I'd wish on my greatest enemy. And carrying the body of your best friend ten miles through the woods, so that you'd at least *have* a body that you could bury is..."
Tears began streaming down her face. He moved so that he sat next to her and could pull her head to his chest. He stroked her hair, while she quietly cried, tightly holding Harris, who was still sleeping.
When she had calmed down a bit and was just sniffling, he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped her face and let her blow her nose.
"Thank you."
He just smiled at her.
She settled herself so that her back was leaning halfway against his chest. Since she obviously intended to stay in that position, he kicked off his shoes and fully lay on the bed.
"Where was I?"
"The not so glorious part of our destiny."
"Right. It's not just glory. It can be a terrible burden. But I still have to do it. And Mike didn't get that part I think. He thought I was some kind of superhero, which I am in a way, but it gets very dark sometimes. He couldn't understand why I had to blame myself for Xander's death. I *know* that I didn't kill him. It was the demon. *He* should be blamed. I did my best. Blah, blah, blah. But the thing is I *am* responsible. It is my job to make sure that everyone is safe. And that's not just the innocents running around, but also and especially those who help me. Mike didn't actually say it but in a way I think he felt it was Xander's fault. Because Xander chose to do this, when he didn't have to. He wasn't equipped for it. He didn't have the super powers. And it makes sense. I mean when I first met them I didn't want them to put themselves into danger either."
"I remember."
"But... I don't know how to explain this. In a way I think it was Xander's destiny, too. No, that's not the right word. He did it because it was the right thing for him. It *felt* right for him to do it. Maybe not like us. He didn't get a birth certificate that said 'PS: Your sacred duty is to safe the world.' But he still *had* to do it. Just like Willow. It's a part of them, too. Maybe it won't always be. Maybe they'll one day decide that they want Harris to grow up in a town that is not located on the hellmouth. And that's okay. But it's also okay for them to do this stuff, even if they don't have superpowers. Willow can stand her own in a fight, but Anya isn't as powerful. And what about Dawn or Jack? How could I tell them not to do what is right, because they could die. They know that. I know that. And we all know that at the end of the day it's my decisions that are supposed to keep everyone alive.
"It was nice of him that he didn't want me to blame myself. But the thing is, he simply couldn't understand why I did and why I still do. If I had killed Angel, Theresa and... Ms. Calendar and many others would live. If I had found a different way to rescue Willow from the Mayor without exchanging the box of creepy-crawlers, Larry and Snyder and who knows how many others would still be around. I'm not running around crying over them and telling myself that I'm worthless and doing everything wrong, because I know I don't. I do what I can. I try to always do the right thing. But sometimes the consequences are horrible. And I cannot just say that that's the price that has to be paid. I don't ever want to feel that way. I don't ever want to think that it's okay. I need to feel this pain over everyone that I couldn't save, because I'm doing all of this for *them*.
"Just like the others. What do Willow and Anya care about a stranger that is turned or killed? What does it matter to Dawn and Jack if another guy they never once met is buried? People die every day and not from demons, but things like cars and guns and stupid accidents. That... that *monster* that killed Xander just wanted *one* sacrifice. One body so that he would live for another 50 years. One death in 50 years. That's nothing, right? We could have just sat down, let him do his kill and be rid of him for another 50 years. *Xander* could have sat down and not go there and not be torn apart. But the truth is he had to do it. Because he's one of us. He has that in him. Had. And Mike didn't. And he couldn't understand it.
"And I didn't know how to make him understand. I told him about the terrible things that I had to do. He said he was impressed and proud. And I wanted to scream at him if he wasn't sorry for me. Do you remember what you told me when we fought Glory? That our destiny means that we sometimes have to do things that others can't."
"That others shouldn't have to do."
"Yes. He saw me and he saw that I could do all these things. And he's right, I can. But in a way I can't. I'm not making a lot of sense."
"No, I... I think I know what you mean. We do all these things, but sometimes it's almost not us anymore."
She turned her head to look at him.
"That's it exactly. Sometimes I hate the person that I have to be because I'm the Slayer."
"So you left him."
"I tried to make him understand and when I saw that he couldn't, I tried to ignore it. I mean, he was a nice guy, funny, good with my friends, generous and all in all he accepted my slaying. He just didn't understand it. But I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't pretend that it didn't matter. I cannot be with someone who doesn't understand who I am and who my friends are. How we tick. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life. We had talked about moving in together before... Xander died. I guess it just wasn't meant to be."
"That doesn't mean that it will always be like this."
"I know. And it's not like my happiness depends on finding the right man. Actually the last couple of months were kinda nice. You can just slob around in front of the TV in old clothes. You can go to bed early after a long day of work and slaying. Plus I could hang around a lot more with my friends and my little goddaughter here."
She stroked Harris' head again.
"She's the best listener. You can complain for hours about anything and she won't mind as long if you keep your voice soft."
"I'm afraid that won't last."
"Probably not, but still, it's not like I don't have a life if I don't have a guy. So it won't be the end of the world if I stay single. And if I do meet a nice guy, I'll just see what happens. So far I didn't have luck but who knows about next time. Plus it's not as if it was all bad with Jeff and Mike. Not at all. I was really happy with them. It was fun to go out again, getting to know someone new. Falling in love! Falling in love is definitely worth it. And breakfast in bed and going out dancing and picnics and all that stuff. Even if it breaks your heart in the end it's still way better than never loving again."
She smiled at Rupert. He was deep thought.
"Hey, earth to Giles. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
"What? Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about. I feel the same way. With Caroline... it's just wonderful. To fall in love and to enjoy even the smallest things. She always puts her left earring on first. I asked her why and she said she didn't know, so I challenged her to do it the other way round but she refused." He smiled thinking about her. Then his face became more serious. "It was the first time in quite a while that I allowed myself to feel like that about someone else."
Buffy looked away.
"You mean since Jenny."
Rupert stiffened. What was he going to say? Tell her the truth or lie to her? Or keep still, which was similar to lying? Back then there was no question about what to do. He had been determined to keep his secret until he felt the right moment had come. But now there was no more secret to be kept. He had concluded that there would never be a right moment. It was over. There was no more reason not to tell the truth.
"No, since you."
A/N:
Cliffhanger, muahahahah. I'm evil, I know, but the break fit. So far we've learned a lot about Buffy and her relationships problems. Next chapter will be lighter, I think but necessarily outright shippy.
Thanks to all my reviewers.
: Giles is not Buffy's father. They didn't even meet before she was 16. And their relationship was never set in stone.
trishv20: I hope you liked it so far. I'll include other information/characters if I feel it's necessary. And I have to say I like the whole environment in this fic. So often in my fics it's as if Buffy and Giles had no friends at all.
Queen Boadicea: I wanted to give a fairly neutral view of Faith. I'm afraid just like the show I've abused Rupert as exposition guy. I hope Buffy isn't too childish. She shouldn't be. She's 25 now, which is still young but not a teen anymore.