TITLE: Over her (14/?)
PART: That Nagging Voice
AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
EMAIL: gabi@gschulz.de
RATING: PG (might go up)
DISTRIBUTION: Everyone who has my general permission. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: Up to Selfless
FEEDBACK: Love it. Especially if you like the story ;-)
SUMMARY: On Buffy's 25th birthday Giles visits Sunnydale, finally over her. Or so he thinks.
COUPLES: Buffy/Giles, Willow/Anya, Dawn/OC (male), mention of Wesley/Faith, Cordelia/Angel
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
DATE: 02/27-03/07/03
--------------------------
While she was preparing their dinner, Buffy wondered where her calmness had come from during their conversation. He had said a lot of things that rang too close to home not to be uncomfortable.
Blaming herself for Spike's loneliness *was* idiotic. It was natural to be concerned for a friend, but the guilt that she felt whenever she realized how alone he was in the world was ridiculous. But that was something she had told herself time and again before today.
What was new was that she couldn't take the credit for his soul either. For so long she had thought of his soul as the one good thing that had come from that dreadful time after her resurrection. Her neglect of her friends and Dawn, her "tryst" with Spike and her lies had resulted in nothing but pain for the people she cared about not to mention herself. But that Spike had been motivated to fight for his soul, to become a good man and a valuable ally against the forces of darkness had been the silver lining in the big dark cloud that was her life after heaven.
But it wasn't hers. It was Spike's. *He* had decided to get a soul. It had been because of her, but it had been his choice, not for a love spell, killing her, suicide or any number of things that he could have done just as well because of her. *He* had fought for his soul. And Buffy was left with too many bad decisions to count. And the consequences of these were hers alone.
Although that was something that she didn't quite agree with. The consequences of our actions were not just ours.
Every person that she couldn't save had a family who had to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. It had been Xander's decision to fight that demon. But there were consequences for all of them, not the least his daughter who'd never meet him face to face now.
But that wasn't really what Giles had meant. He had been talking about responsibility for those consequences. And he was probably right as he was so often.
Now as she put down the dishes on the table her thoughts turned to something else though. Something that mattered more than the responsibility, blame or credit for things long in the past.
She was wondering if she had hurt Giles, truly hurt him. Of course she knew that her neglect and love for others must have caused him pain. But what she meant was that lasting feeling, that little voice inside of her that told her that the people who had hurt her deserved to be hurt as well.
With Angel, Riley, Spike, her father there was a part of her that, in all the love that she had for them and beneath the guilt she felt in one form or another, could not forget what they had done to her. She hated herself for that feeling but it was as much a part of her as her sense of duty, her passion or her tendency towards melodrama.
With Giles there was no voice. He had hurt her over the years, but not even the betrayal on her 18th birthday had managed to have the lasting effect that her father's inability to connect with her after she'd moved away or Angel's second nature had on her.
Now she couldn't help wondering if it was different for Giles. The thought that he hated her just a little bit distressed her immensely. Their history had its share of painful moments, but she wanted their relationship to be one of love and friendship without any resentments. She wasn't sure if she could bear to feel guilty whenever she looked at him.
She decided that she couldn't leave things as they were. It had been her instinct after their talk not to let him go like that and she had been right. They would have to talk.
PART: That Nagging Voice
AUTHOR: Gabriele Schulz
EMAIL: gabi@gschulz.de
RATING: PG (might go up)
DISTRIBUTION: Everyone who has my general permission. Others please ask first.
SPOILERS: Up to Selfless
FEEDBACK: Love it. Especially if you like the story ;-)
SUMMARY: On Buffy's 25th birthday Giles visits Sunnydale, finally over her. Or so he thinks.
COUPLES: Buffy/Giles, Willow/Anya, Dawn/OC (male), mention of Wesley/Faith, Cordelia/Angel
DISCLAIMER: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Productions, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television, the WB Television Network, and whoever else may have a hold on them. I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights.
DATE: 02/27-03/07/03
--------------------------
While she was preparing their dinner, Buffy wondered where her calmness had come from during their conversation. He had said a lot of things that rang too close to home not to be uncomfortable.
Blaming herself for Spike's loneliness *was* idiotic. It was natural to be concerned for a friend, but the guilt that she felt whenever she realized how alone he was in the world was ridiculous. But that was something she had told herself time and again before today.
What was new was that she couldn't take the credit for his soul either. For so long she had thought of his soul as the one good thing that had come from that dreadful time after her resurrection. Her neglect of her friends and Dawn, her "tryst" with Spike and her lies had resulted in nothing but pain for the people she cared about not to mention herself. But that Spike had been motivated to fight for his soul, to become a good man and a valuable ally against the forces of darkness had been the silver lining in the big dark cloud that was her life after heaven.
But it wasn't hers. It was Spike's. *He* had decided to get a soul. It had been because of her, but it had been his choice, not for a love spell, killing her, suicide or any number of things that he could have done just as well because of her. *He* had fought for his soul. And Buffy was left with too many bad decisions to count. And the consequences of these were hers alone.
Although that was something that she didn't quite agree with. The consequences of our actions were not just ours.
Every person that she couldn't save had a family who had to live with the consequences for the rest of their lives. It had been Xander's decision to fight that demon. But there were consequences for all of them, not the least his daughter who'd never meet him face to face now.
But that wasn't really what Giles had meant. He had been talking about responsibility for those consequences. And he was probably right as he was so often.
Now as she put down the dishes on the table her thoughts turned to something else though. Something that mattered more than the responsibility, blame or credit for things long in the past.
She was wondering if she had hurt Giles, truly hurt him. Of course she knew that her neglect and love for others must have caused him pain. But what she meant was that lasting feeling, that little voice inside of her that told her that the people who had hurt her deserved to be hurt as well.
With Angel, Riley, Spike, her father there was a part of her that, in all the love that she had for them and beneath the guilt she felt in one form or another, could not forget what they had done to her. She hated herself for that feeling but it was as much a part of her as her sense of duty, her passion or her tendency towards melodrama.
With Giles there was no voice. He had hurt her over the years, but not even the betrayal on her 18th birthday had managed to have the lasting effect that her father's inability to connect with her after she'd moved away or Angel's second nature had on her.
Now she couldn't help wondering if it was different for Giles. The thought that he hated her just a little bit distressed her immensely. Their history had its share of painful moments, but she wanted their relationship to be one of love and friendship without any resentments. She wasn't sure if she could bear to feel guilty whenever she looked at him.
She decided that she couldn't leave things as they were. It had been her instinct after their talk not to let him go like that and she had been right. They would have to talk.