Zina: Hello again, and welcome to another episode of It's Just Magic with
Zina Mayk! Today's topic of discussion is rather more conventional -
"Household Pests and What To Do About Them." We've rounded up a passle of
interested and interesting housewives, as well as a few other souls willing
to help us. Let's have a round of applause for our panel of guests!
Guests murmur hellos and thank-yous
Zina: Today we have with us the witch Morwen, from the Enchanted Forest; Gypsy Jack, of the Mountains of Morning; Queen Cimorene, also of the Enchanted Forest; and Zemenar, Head Wizard of the Society of Wizards.
Cimorene: One question, please. How come Zemenar's always on the guest panel?
Zemenar (frostily): If I may correct Your Majesty, I am NOT always on the guest panel. For your information, I have to this point enjoyed that privilege only on the first episode of this despicable talkshow. I have no desire to do so more frequently, as it is often insulting and I am doing this only as a particular favor to Enchanted Radio.
Cimorene: And why are you doing Enchanted Radio a favor in the first place? To my knowledge, you wizards never do favors for anyone, for any reason.
Zemenar (still more coldly): Wizards ARE honorable, whatever Your Majesty may think.
Zina: Ahem.
Morwen: I think that is a very good idea.
Gypsy Jack: What? What's a good idea? Did I miss something?
Morwen: Zina asked if we could get back to the show. I said, that is is a very good idea.
Zemenar: Actually, you said that you THOUGHT that to be a very good idea.
Cimorene: If you want a direct quote, she said -
Zina: I do not want a direct quote, thank you very much. I DO want to launch a discussion of "Household Pests and What to Do About Them", but now it'll have to wait till after these messages..
-------------------------------------------
Brandel: Are you looking for accomodation??? Look no further, stranger! I have the perfect home for you. Situated in the middle of a lovely . . . piece of land . . . it is surrounded by a stunning avenue of beautiful flowers! You'll never be lonely here, as a steady stream of guests is part of the package. So call now to book a showing!
(very fast) Things like princes, rescuers, wizards, sorceresses, dragons, deadly plants, severe locations, and small accomodations are not the seller's responsibility.
--------------------------------------
Dragon: Are you looking for an eligible prince, knight, or noble woodcutter's son? Look no further, for we Dragons of the Mountains of Morning offer the newest, most revolutionary, easiest, quickest, swiftest, fastest, surest way to snag your Prince Charming! Just come spend a few weeks with us and you're sure to snag a highly eligible catch in no time at all. Of course, there are a few risks - we can't account for things like getting eaten, or your love being beaten by a dragon. And there's always the possibility you could fall off a cliff running dangerous but necessary errands through the mountains for your dragon. And then, the wizards are always trying to avenge themselves on our princesses - not sure why, it's just something they do - so that might be a little dangerous. But really, it's your best option. I mean, it's a lot safer than something like giants or ogres or man-eating trolls. And if you are concerned -
Cimorene: Listen, Yrag, you're totally botching this whole thing. You're not supposed to hold a debate, it's just a quick commercial - you tell them the perks, and then you shut up. Try it again.
Dragon: Are you looking for an eligible prince, knight, or . . . or . . .
Cimorene: What now?
Dragon: I forgot the other thing.
Cimorene: Take us off the air, we've got more work to do on this one.
-----------------------------------
Zina: And now we're back to It's Just Magic! Hopefully our guests have sorted out their little differences and we can get to our discussion. Our first question is - what do you consider to be Household Pests? Morwen, you're up first.
Morwen: Oh, the list goes on. Gnomes . . . mice . . . rabbits . . . wizards . . . ha-
Zemenar: Did I hear you correctly?
Morwen: Well, how could I know? I'm not in your ears.
Zemenar: Did you add "wizards" to your list of Household Pests, or was that something reasonable like "blizzards"?
Morwen (coldly): Wizards should be at the TOP of the list.
Zemenar: (MORE coldly) And why do you consider WIZARDS to be in the same league as such odious things as MICE and RABBITS?
Morwen: They do considerably more damage.
Cimorene: You know, Morwen, I have to agree. Mice are bad and all, and gnomes can be downright evil, but wizards are infinitely more pesky.
Gypsy Jack: I dunno. Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms are worse than all of them, I'd say.
Cimorene: What???
Gypsy Jack: Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms . . .
Morwen: You've got them in the Seventh Attic.
Cimorene: Oh, is THAT what's tearing up the Seventh Attic? But Jack, wizards are more powerful than Yiggle-worms, and so they do more damage . . .
Gypsy Jack: Maybe they do, maybe they don't. You can't melt Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms with a bucket of soap and water.
Morwen: And lemon juice, don't forget the lemon juice.
Zemenar: I prefer not to discuss this, as I believe I have mentioned before.
Gypsy Jack: Yeah, but I really would like to know more about this soapy- water thing.
Morwen: With -
Gypsy Jack: Lemon juice. I know.
Zemenar: With or without the lemon juice, I prefer not to discuss this matter. It is offensive to my sensitivities.
Cimorene: You have sensitivities? You don't balk at poisoning a dragon, but you claim a simple discussion of pest removal offends your "sensitivities"??? I'll "sensitivity" you -
Zina: Cimorene, please! Zemenar! Morwen! Jack! Can we get back to our discussion?
Cimorene: It's fine with me, as long as *he* keeps his mouth shut . . .
Zemenar: So long as the rest of this panel refrains from discussions regarding wizards, I am perfectly willing to "keep my mouth shut".
Zina: Now really, Zemenar, we can hardly avoid discussion of wizards if they're considered Household Pests, now, can we?
Zemenar (frostily): I do not consider my kind to be in the same category as this man's Jangle-worms.
Jack: Yiggle.
Zemenar: Beg pardon?
Jack: Yiggle. Not Jangle.
Zemenar: I'm afraid I don't follow you.
Jack: Yiggle-worms. You said they were Jangle-worms. I just said, Yiggle.
Zina (wearily) I think it's time for another commercial break.
--------------------------------------------
Brandel: Okay, you guys, listen. I was really serious when I said that my house is for sale. I've even lowered the price. I can't really help it if you don't like mucky swamps or deadly vines or meddlesome rescuers, now, can I? But please, I've got to get out of this place. *sneeze* I think I'm coming down with something, really, I need to get away from the swamp. Is there no friendly sorceress or someone out there who will take pity on me? I thought that after my ad a while ago there'd be people clamoring to buy it . . . and there were . . . until they saw the swamp, and the chokevines, and - well, you know. So now I'm getting desperate. Please, won't someone come and -
*sirens sound in distance*
Brandel: Oh, great, I've got to get out of here -
Male Voice in Background: Get away from that mirror! We've got you covered!
Brandel: I was just looking for someone to buy my -
Male Voice: Yeah, right. Step away from the mirror slow, now. *voices fade*
Snappish Voice: Hey, was someone messing with my ad mirror? Hey! You! Come back here! He was messing with my ad mirror!
*click*
-------------------------------------------
Zina: Erm. Not exactly what I had hoped for. But anyway, we're going to take a few callers before we have to cut this short.
Cimorene: But we didn't discuss Household Pests at all!
Zina: We'll extend it. Make it a two-day thing, Household Pests and What To Do About them.
Cimorene: I guess. If HE'D been quiet, we could've done okay -
Zemenar: Are you referring to me?
Cimorene: I most CERTAINLY am.
Zemenar: Hrmph.
Zina: Brunhilde, you're on the air.
Heavily Accented Voice: Hello. I was calling about the tower you advertised. You see I place unwanted princesses, and that sounds like a marvelous opportunity for a client I've got here. See, I'll put her on the line - her name's Rapunzel -
Timid Female Voice: Yes, you see, I'm in desperate need of a prince, and this is the best option yet. It's what should have happened all along. You see, before I was born, my mother ate some witch's rapunzel . . . but instead of stealing me and locking me in a tower, the witch told my mother she was fed up with the rapunzel anyway and would she please just take it all. (Tearfully) It's been that way ever since. No one wants me . . . I tried letting my hair grow out, but it was just in the way . . . and I'm in need of a Prince to do something daring for me, so that I can do something other than brush my hair for the rest of my life . . . (breaks down) I'm sorry, it's just that I . . .
Brunhilde: Yes, you see what I mean. We're desperate.
Zina: Well, actually, we weren't -
Brunhilde: The state of the place does not matter. If it will get her the Prince, that's all she needs. We'll take it.
Zina: But you don't understand, I'm not selling -
Brunhilde: But of course you are. There were two advertisements.
Zina: Yes, but this is the talkshow - you'll have to get in contact with Brandel about the house -
Brunhilde: Brandel? Who is Brandel? I called in to buy the swamp-tower. Can you not sell it to me, since you are so desperate?
Zina: Really, I'm not selling anything -
Brunhilde: That's what they all say.
Zina: Sorry about this, but . . . . *click*
Zina (wearily): What a day. What a day. What a day. I'm afraid that's all the time we have left. Join us next time on It's Just Magic! Maybe we'll actually get to the discussion that time.
Guests murmur hellos and thank-yous
Zina: Today we have with us the witch Morwen, from the Enchanted Forest; Gypsy Jack, of the Mountains of Morning; Queen Cimorene, also of the Enchanted Forest; and Zemenar, Head Wizard of the Society of Wizards.
Cimorene: One question, please. How come Zemenar's always on the guest panel?
Zemenar (frostily): If I may correct Your Majesty, I am NOT always on the guest panel. For your information, I have to this point enjoyed that privilege only on the first episode of this despicable talkshow. I have no desire to do so more frequently, as it is often insulting and I am doing this only as a particular favor to Enchanted Radio.
Cimorene: And why are you doing Enchanted Radio a favor in the first place? To my knowledge, you wizards never do favors for anyone, for any reason.
Zemenar (still more coldly): Wizards ARE honorable, whatever Your Majesty may think.
Zina: Ahem.
Morwen: I think that is a very good idea.
Gypsy Jack: What? What's a good idea? Did I miss something?
Morwen: Zina asked if we could get back to the show. I said, that is is a very good idea.
Zemenar: Actually, you said that you THOUGHT that to be a very good idea.
Cimorene: If you want a direct quote, she said -
Zina: I do not want a direct quote, thank you very much. I DO want to launch a discussion of "Household Pests and What to Do About Them", but now it'll have to wait till after these messages..
-------------------------------------------
Brandel: Are you looking for accomodation??? Look no further, stranger! I have the perfect home for you. Situated in the middle of a lovely . . . piece of land . . . it is surrounded by a stunning avenue of beautiful flowers! You'll never be lonely here, as a steady stream of guests is part of the package. So call now to book a showing!
(very fast) Things like princes, rescuers, wizards, sorceresses, dragons, deadly plants, severe locations, and small accomodations are not the seller's responsibility.
--------------------------------------
Dragon: Are you looking for an eligible prince, knight, or noble woodcutter's son? Look no further, for we Dragons of the Mountains of Morning offer the newest, most revolutionary, easiest, quickest, swiftest, fastest, surest way to snag your Prince Charming! Just come spend a few weeks with us and you're sure to snag a highly eligible catch in no time at all. Of course, there are a few risks - we can't account for things like getting eaten, or your love being beaten by a dragon. And there's always the possibility you could fall off a cliff running dangerous but necessary errands through the mountains for your dragon. And then, the wizards are always trying to avenge themselves on our princesses - not sure why, it's just something they do - so that might be a little dangerous. But really, it's your best option. I mean, it's a lot safer than something like giants or ogres or man-eating trolls. And if you are concerned -
Cimorene: Listen, Yrag, you're totally botching this whole thing. You're not supposed to hold a debate, it's just a quick commercial - you tell them the perks, and then you shut up. Try it again.
Dragon: Are you looking for an eligible prince, knight, or . . . or . . .
Cimorene: What now?
Dragon: I forgot the other thing.
Cimorene: Take us off the air, we've got more work to do on this one.
-----------------------------------
Zina: And now we're back to It's Just Magic! Hopefully our guests have sorted out their little differences and we can get to our discussion. Our first question is - what do you consider to be Household Pests? Morwen, you're up first.
Morwen: Oh, the list goes on. Gnomes . . . mice . . . rabbits . . . wizards . . . ha-
Zemenar: Did I hear you correctly?
Morwen: Well, how could I know? I'm not in your ears.
Zemenar: Did you add "wizards" to your list of Household Pests, or was that something reasonable like "blizzards"?
Morwen (coldly): Wizards should be at the TOP of the list.
Zemenar: (MORE coldly) And why do you consider WIZARDS to be in the same league as such odious things as MICE and RABBITS?
Morwen: They do considerably more damage.
Cimorene: You know, Morwen, I have to agree. Mice are bad and all, and gnomes can be downright evil, but wizards are infinitely more pesky.
Gypsy Jack: I dunno. Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms are worse than all of them, I'd say.
Cimorene: What???
Gypsy Jack: Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms . . .
Morwen: You've got them in the Seventh Attic.
Cimorene: Oh, is THAT what's tearing up the Seventh Attic? But Jack, wizards are more powerful than Yiggle-worms, and so they do more damage . . .
Gypsy Jack: Maybe they do, maybe they don't. You can't melt Carpet-eating Yiggle-worms with a bucket of soap and water.
Morwen: And lemon juice, don't forget the lemon juice.
Zemenar: I prefer not to discuss this, as I believe I have mentioned before.
Gypsy Jack: Yeah, but I really would like to know more about this soapy- water thing.
Morwen: With -
Gypsy Jack: Lemon juice. I know.
Zemenar: With or without the lemon juice, I prefer not to discuss this matter. It is offensive to my sensitivities.
Cimorene: You have sensitivities? You don't balk at poisoning a dragon, but you claim a simple discussion of pest removal offends your "sensitivities"??? I'll "sensitivity" you -
Zina: Cimorene, please! Zemenar! Morwen! Jack! Can we get back to our discussion?
Cimorene: It's fine with me, as long as *he* keeps his mouth shut . . .
Zemenar: So long as the rest of this panel refrains from discussions regarding wizards, I am perfectly willing to "keep my mouth shut".
Zina: Now really, Zemenar, we can hardly avoid discussion of wizards if they're considered Household Pests, now, can we?
Zemenar (frostily): I do not consider my kind to be in the same category as this man's Jangle-worms.
Jack: Yiggle.
Zemenar: Beg pardon?
Jack: Yiggle. Not Jangle.
Zemenar: I'm afraid I don't follow you.
Jack: Yiggle-worms. You said they were Jangle-worms. I just said, Yiggle.
Zina (wearily) I think it's time for another commercial break.
--------------------------------------------
Brandel: Okay, you guys, listen. I was really serious when I said that my house is for sale. I've even lowered the price. I can't really help it if you don't like mucky swamps or deadly vines or meddlesome rescuers, now, can I? But please, I've got to get out of this place. *sneeze* I think I'm coming down with something, really, I need to get away from the swamp. Is there no friendly sorceress or someone out there who will take pity on me? I thought that after my ad a while ago there'd be people clamoring to buy it . . . and there were . . . until they saw the swamp, and the chokevines, and - well, you know. So now I'm getting desperate. Please, won't someone come and -
*sirens sound in distance*
Brandel: Oh, great, I've got to get out of here -
Male Voice in Background: Get away from that mirror! We've got you covered!
Brandel: I was just looking for someone to buy my -
Male Voice: Yeah, right. Step away from the mirror slow, now. *voices fade*
Snappish Voice: Hey, was someone messing with my ad mirror? Hey! You! Come back here! He was messing with my ad mirror!
*click*
-------------------------------------------
Zina: Erm. Not exactly what I had hoped for. But anyway, we're going to take a few callers before we have to cut this short.
Cimorene: But we didn't discuss Household Pests at all!
Zina: We'll extend it. Make it a two-day thing, Household Pests and What To Do About them.
Cimorene: I guess. If HE'D been quiet, we could've done okay -
Zemenar: Are you referring to me?
Cimorene: I most CERTAINLY am.
Zemenar: Hrmph.
Zina: Brunhilde, you're on the air.
Heavily Accented Voice: Hello. I was calling about the tower you advertised. You see I place unwanted princesses, and that sounds like a marvelous opportunity for a client I've got here. See, I'll put her on the line - her name's Rapunzel -
Timid Female Voice: Yes, you see, I'm in desperate need of a prince, and this is the best option yet. It's what should have happened all along. You see, before I was born, my mother ate some witch's rapunzel . . . but instead of stealing me and locking me in a tower, the witch told my mother she was fed up with the rapunzel anyway and would she please just take it all. (Tearfully) It's been that way ever since. No one wants me . . . I tried letting my hair grow out, but it was just in the way . . . and I'm in need of a Prince to do something daring for me, so that I can do something other than brush my hair for the rest of my life . . . (breaks down) I'm sorry, it's just that I . . .
Brunhilde: Yes, you see what I mean. We're desperate.
Zina: Well, actually, we weren't -
Brunhilde: The state of the place does not matter. If it will get her the Prince, that's all she needs. We'll take it.
Zina: But you don't understand, I'm not selling -
Brunhilde: But of course you are. There were two advertisements.
Zina: Yes, but this is the talkshow - you'll have to get in contact with Brandel about the house -
Brunhilde: Brandel? Who is Brandel? I called in to buy the swamp-tower. Can you not sell it to me, since you are so desperate?
Zina: Really, I'm not selling anything -
Brunhilde: That's what they all say.
Zina: Sorry about this, but . . . . *click*
Zina (wearily): What a day. What a day. What a day. I'm afraid that's all the time we have left. Join us next time on It's Just Magic! Maybe we'll actually get to the discussion that time.