The Nine Go Shopping - Episode III!!!
Chapter 6
The Nazgul realize that people are probably going to notice several men in barrel costumes outside a mall, so they sit down at the edge of the nearest sidewalk. They fit completely inside the barrels, so they are well hidden.
Two, however, is having a rather difficult time of it inside the mall. As usual, everyone is staring at him, and though one would think he would be quite used to it by now, he is not.
He sees a security camera television up on the ceiling. Wondering what it could possibly be, he stands in front of it. He moves slightly to the left. The facsimile of him on the screen moves slightly to the right. He lifts his foot. On screen, he lifts his foot. He jumps up and down...
* * *
Eight is growing impatient. Where is Two? Where is the orc army? Where is his cell phone, so he can occupy himself by annoying Sauron some more? Where is...
* * *
- Isengard -
"Sauron! I told you fifty times! My whole army has been depleted because of your stupid Ring War!" cries Saruman Reincarnate over the Palantir.
"Well now I have another Ring War, Sharky. Honestly, I thought you weren't joking when you said you'd give me anything!" Sauron retorts.
"I wasn't! But I am unable to give you the Uruk-Hai now, because it so happens the Uruk-Hai are DEAD!" roars Saruman Reincarnate. "And it's your fault, too, so don't go blaming me if you can't get your Ring back! Where are your orcs, anyway?"
As the reader can tell, Sauron and Saruman Reincarnate are having a row commonly referred to as a "lovers' dispute."
Sauron and Saruman Reincarnate turn their heads toward the ceiling. "We are not!" Then they continue arguing.
* * *
- Mall -
Two does some jumping jacks. The Two on the screen does some jumping jacks. Two back-flips. The on-screen Two back-flips. Two does the Macarena...
* * *
- Parking Lot -
The other Eight are amusing themselves by playing leap-frog. Except Eight, of course, who eyes the commotion from the top of his barrel. The shoppers outside the mall are doing the same, though without the top of the barrel.
"Wow, look at the jumping barrels," says a little girl.
* * *
- Isengard -
The lovers' dispute is drawing to a close.
"All right, all right, I can get you an army, but it'll take three weeks at the least," Saruman Reincarnate yells hoarsely.
"Three weeks? Three weeks?! Do you not understand the situation here? I have no army, my Nazgul are threatening mutiny, and my Ring of Power is in the hands of a half-crazed Evil Jeweler Dude who is threatening to take over the world! (A/N: Sauron's worried about a crazy maniac who is threatening to take over the world? Notice the irony here?) And it's going to take you THREE LOUSY WEEKS to assemble an army of Super-Orcs?" Sauron explodes.
OK, so maybe it isn't drawing to a close.
"Yep, three weeks IF you're lucky," replies Saruman Reincarnate.
"Grrrrr..."
"Hey, don't blame me! It isn't exactly easy to get these creatures to reproduce, if you know what I mean," says Saruman Reincarnate.
Yes, Saruman Reincarnate, we know exactly what you mean.
* * *
- Mall -
Two is just watching himself make funny faces when a security guard taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey man, are you OK?"
"Huh?" says Two bemusedly. "Oh - ah, yeah."
"OK..." the security guard walks off.
Two heads into the bowels of the mall (A/N: Such a lovely expression, the bowels of the mall, don't you think?), realizing that he has forgotten his job. He gets into the very heart, the hub of the mall's wheel, where all the stores branch off from. He looks hurriedly for Kay Jewelers. No luck.
Two heads for the nearest escalator. He is rather unfamiliar with the workings of escalators, and gets an unpleasant surprise when he steps onto this one. He wobbles a bit, but regains his balance. Then he proceeds to annoy all the people behind him who are trying to go as quickly as they can, and are finding themselves stopped by a "freak in a barrel outfit," as one rather plump woman put it.
Two gets off at the top of the escalator, right in front of (Dun-dun-dun!) Kay Jewelers. He jumps to the side, so as not to be noticed by any certain Evil Jeweler Dudes at the counter.
He rolls across the aisle, bumping up against the wall which the jewelry store is located on. He inches toward the store and peeks around the corner.
There he is! The Evil Jeweler Dude! Two runs back and locates an elevator, deciding to skip the escalator this time.
Then he is stopped by an invisible something, which seems to grab him like a magnet.
* * *
What is the strange force holding Two back from the elevator? Why is Eight such a stiff? Will Sauron and Saruman Reincarnate ever resolve their lovers' dispute? Will the Ring ever be retrieved? Will I ever get my allowance? Wait - not that. Find out with chapter 7! Which I am posting now, so you don't have to wait!
~ Anoriel