"Buffy, you have to understand, we're all a bit worried about your
reaction last night." Giles said, with a bit of vague, English
apprehension. "We've all been under a great deal of stress, I admit, and an
emotional catharsis on your part is something that, on a psychological
level, should be relieving to us, but---Spike? Why get all weepy over HIM?"
"Hey, cut B some slack, G-man." Faith interjected. "If she wants to cry over finding out her guy is still kickin', who're we to do anything but show a little support?"
Buffy looked around the room. Giles, Dawn, Xander, Willow, Kennedy, and Faith all sat at various positions around the room, some with worried looks (Xander and Giles, Dawn for a different reason altogether), some supportive (Willow, Dawn, and Faith), and one confused (Kennedy).
"Giles, Xander. . .this is something that it's taken me a long time to come to grips with, to admit, even to myself. No, ESPECIALLY to myself. For over three years now, Spike has been helping us fight off the big bads out there in the night. At first, for self-preservation, and occasionally for money, but more and more, because he began to realize it was a fight worth fighting. For just over two and a half years, there's been something growing between myself and Spike. He helped us against Glory, when the smart thing for him to do would be for him to just hop into his car and get the hell out of Sunnydale. He already knew how to get by without hunting for prey by now. Instead, he stayed. He stayed and fought. When Glory's minions captured him, he refused to tell her anything, not one damned word about Dawn or the Key, even under some of the most extreme torture." She paused for a moment, to get her feelings under control, and gave a silent thanks to Willow, who was giving Xander her best 'Don't you DARE say the old spike's perverted obsession spiel '.
"I kept telling myself that because he hadn't a soul, he couldn't feel, he couldn't love, despite his claims to the contrary. But even back then, I knew better. Y'know, Dawnie, one time after mom died, I went on a late patrol, and found him there, at her grave. Crying. He loved her, Dawn, almost as much as we did. He was leaning up against her headstone, quietly babbling away to her, about missing her, and the hot chocolate she'd always make him when he'd come over. Which I never knew about, until then, by the way. He promised her he'd take care of us, and keep Glory away from Dawn, even if it meant dying again and going back to Hell. It took every bit of skill I had to sneak away so that he wouldn't know I was there. Ever wonder why none of the demons or vampires ever messed with mom's grave? They all knew by then that that was the Slayers mother. Spike. He'd always do an extra swing around her grave when he was on patrol, after the rest of us went home."
"And, guys, " Dawn interjected, "He always stopped by the house, to make sure I was all right, after, well, after Buffy died. When I needed to talk to someone, and I couldn't talk to willow, or Xander, or Tara, Spike was always there. He really cared about how I was getting along, how I felt. And I was the only one he'd let down his guard to, the only one he could let himself mourn Buffy with."
"Well, not entirely. There was one night out at the Bronze when I found Captain Peroxide there, getting completely plastered. We all got smashed, and blubbering like children over missing Buffy, then Anya and I walked him home to his crypt." Xander bowed his head for a moment, trying not to break down over losing the ex-demon again, and Willow gave his arm a tight squeeze.
"When I came back," Buffy continued, "He was the only one who didn't make me feel like I was being pushed into being the same old Buffy again. Okay, so none of you knew I was really in Heaven, I got over THAT a while ago, but it was there, none the less. And when I started USING him, and abusing him, he never objected, never pushed me away like I probably deserved to be. God, there were times I all but raped him, no, it was rape, and he stayed by my side anyway. It's no wonder he finally snapped that night and tried to return the favor. But after all the abuse, after all the pain I put him through, he still wanted to try to be worthy of my love."
"So, he left. He got his soul back. For me. Even when he knew what Angel went through when he was cursed with a soul, Spike willingly put himself through that torment, for me. When he found out about the First's little mental trigger, he asked me to kill him, to stake him then and there, so that he couldn't hurt me or Dawn. Tried to do it himself, once, but I stopped him. I told him it was because I needed him to watch my back, but it was really because I wanted him at my side."
"It wasn't until that night inside the portal to the Hellmouth, when I knew that I was going to lose him, that I finally let myself realize just what it was that I felt for him, what I've been denying for the last few years." She looked at the others, defiance, mourning, and hope flickering across her face in turns.
"I love him." Dawn pulled her sister into a hug once more, as Xander and Giles looked on, slightly shocked, then in resigned acceptance.
"Buffy," Giles began, pinching the bridge of his nose and cleaning his glasses, "We don't even know if this person they found IS Spike. After all, we don't know if we were indeed the only people in Sunnydale at the time."
Dawn all but glared over Buffy's shoulder at the ex-watcher. "Who ELSE could it be, Giles? You know of any other Englishmen in their mid-twenties in Sunnydale that week?"
"That's precisely my point, we DON'T know if anyone else was there, English or not. And I think that the rescue crews would have been a bit less enthusiastic about finding someone without a pulse, in Sunnydale's wreckage."
"Uh, the G-man has a point, Buff."
"Hey, not a problem, I'll go check with Angel's crew, see if they can get any info on who our mystery survivor is. After all, If I can't go visit MY guy while he's in the hospital, being a wanted fugitive and all, the least I can do is check out if B's guy is there for her to see."
"Thanks, Faith, you have no idea how much that means to me."
"Hey, I could see the looks you two were giving each other all week long, when you thought no-one else was watching. Like I said, the least I can do."
"Hey, cut B some slack, G-man." Faith interjected. "If she wants to cry over finding out her guy is still kickin', who're we to do anything but show a little support?"
Buffy looked around the room. Giles, Dawn, Xander, Willow, Kennedy, and Faith all sat at various positions around the room, some with worried looks (Xander and Giles, Dawn for a different reason altogether), some supportive (Willow, Dawn, and Faith), and one confused (Kennedy).
"Giles, Xander. . .this is something that it's taken me a long time to come to grips with, to admit, even to myself. No, ESPECIALLY to myself. For over three years now, Spike has been helping us fight off the big bads out there in the night. At first, for self-preservation, and occasionally for money, but more and more, because he began to realize it was a fight worth fighting. For just over two and a half years, there's been something growing between myself and Spike. He helped us against Glory, when the smart thing for him to do would be for him to just hop into his car and get the hell out of Sunnydale. He already knew how to get by without hunting for prey by now. Instead, he stayed. He stayed and fought. When Glory's minions captured him, he refused to tell her anything, not one damned word about Dawn or the Key, even under some of the most extreme torture." She paused for a moment, to get her feelings under control, and gave a silent thanks to Willow, who was giving Xander her best 'Don't you DARE say the old spike's perverted obsession spiel '.
"I kept telling myself that because he hadn't a soul, he couldn't feel, he couldn't love, despite his claims to the contrary. But even back then, I knew better. Y'know, Dawnie, one time after mom died, I went on a late patrol, and found him there, at her grave. Crying. He loved her, Dawn, almost as much as we did. He was leaning up against her headstone, quietly babbling away to her, about missing her, and the hot chocolate she'd always make him when he'd come over. Which I never knew about, until then, by the way. He promised her he'd take care of us, and keep Glory away from Dawn, even if it meant dying again and going back to Hell. It took every bit of skill I had to sneak away so that he wouldn't know I was there. Ever wonder why none of the demons or vampires ever messed with mom's grave? They all knew by then that that was the Slayers mother. Spike. He'd always do an extra swing around her grave when he was on patrol, after the rest of us went home."
"And, guys, " Dawn interjected, "He always stopped by the house, to make sure I was all right, after, well, after Buffy died. When I needed to talk to someone, and I couldn't talk to willow, or Xander, or Tara, Spike was always there. He really cared about how I was getting along, how I felt. And I was the only one he'd let down his guard to, the only one he could let himself mourn Buffy with."
"Well, not entirely. There was one night out at the Bronze when I found Captain Peroxide there, getting completely plastered. We all got smashed, and blubbering like children over missing Buffy, then Anya and I walked him home to his crypt." Xander bowed his head for a moment, trying not to break down over losing the ex-demon again, and Willow gave his arm a tight squeeze.
"When I came back," Buffy continued, "He was the only one who didn't make me feel like I was being pushed into being the same old Buffy again. Okay, so none of you knew I was really in Heaven, I got over THAT a while ago, but it was there, none the less. And when I started USING him, and abusing him, he never objected, never pushed me away like I probably deserved to be. God, there were times I all but raped him, no, it was rape, and he stayed by my side anyway. It's no wonder he finally snapped that night and tried to return the favor. But after all the abuse, after all the pain I put him through, he still wanted to try to be worthy of my love."
"So, he left. He got his soul back. For me. Even when he knew what Angel went through when he was cursed with a soul, Spike willingly put himself through that torment, for me. When he found out about the First's little mental trigger, he asked me to kill him, to stake him then and there, so that he couldn't hurt me or Dawn. Tried to do it himself, once, but I stopped him. I told him it was because I needed him to watch my back, but it was really because I wanted him at my side."
"It wasn't until that night inside the portal to the Hellmouth, when I knew that I was going to lose him, that I finally let myself realize just what it was that I felt for him, what I've been denying for the last few years." She looked at the others, defiance, mourning, and hope flickering across her face in turns.
"I love him." Dawn pulled her sister into a hug once more, as Xander and Giles looked on, slightly shocked, then in resigned acceptance.
"Buffy," Giles began, pinching the bridge of his nose and cleaning his glasses, "We don't even know if this person they found IS Spike. After all, we don't know if we were indeed the only people in Sunnydale at the time."
Dawn all but glared over Buffy's shoulder at the ex-watcher. "Who ELSE could it be, Giles? You know of any other Englishmen in their mid-twenties in Sunnydale that week?"
"That's precisely my point, we DON'T know if anyone else was there, English or not. And I think that the rescue crews would have been a bit less enthusiastic about finding someone without a pulse, in Sunnydale's wreckage."
"Uh, the G-man has a point, Buff."
"Hey, not a problem, I'll go check with Angel's crew, see if they can get any info on who our mystery survivor is. After all, If I can't go visit MY guy while he's in the hospital, being a wanted fugitive and all, the least I can do is check out if B's guy is there for her to see."
"Thanks, Faith, you have no idea how much that means to me."
"Hey, I could see the looks you two were giving each other all week long, when you thought no-one else was watching. Like I said, the least I can do."