Author's Note: All belongs to Jhonen Vasquez. He can even keep this plot, if he wants.
Chapter Two
The Shame, The Guilt
Dear Die-ary,
Innocence is so far gone from me. Is this what I crave for? Is that my driving passion? To turn the world into an innocent place where there is no social segregation, where everyone is treated fairly and equally, despite how they dress, what religion they are, how they speak, what their handicaps are?
Or do I simply do it as a craving for blood and death?
Do I stand and fight for something, or am I just an immoral murderer? If so, do I have any purpose here? Perhaps it's best if I retire to my afterlife now and accept my doomed fate, instead of going on like this senselessly.
I wonder if Hell is as bad as they say it is.
*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*
Just as the night pulled to an end, and Johnny was about to retreat to his house for the night with the almost-empty bowl of candy, he saw a girl walking down the street with her babysitter. The babysitter was looking increasingly nervous and agitated, looking over her shoulder constantly. Johnny couldn't see her face for it was covered by a mask that was made to look like a troll's face.
" There's a guy with candy over there!" The little girl shrieked, pointing at Johnny.
The babysitter looked right at Johnny and was almost thrown back a foot in surprise. " Let's go!" The babysitter hissed in a deep, manly voice. She was faking a British accent, too, but poorly.
" But he has candy!" The little girl persisted.
" He – ah – probably put glass in it, the creep!" The babysitter droned on, now switching to a Southern North American accent. " Come on, little 'un."
" Silly!" The small girl giggled. " See, he looks nice."
Johnny smiled uncomfortably. What a psychotic lady, he thought to himself.
" I am never going to cover one of Tenna's babysitting jobs, ever again," The babysitter was whispering angrily, dragging the little girl backwards as she raced off down the street.
" Wait!" Johnny called after them. " It's alright, you can have the whole bowl. I'll put it down on the sidewalk, if you want?"
The little girl shrieked and began to cry, " I want candy!"
" Not his candy, you don't!" The babysitter shouted, now unaccented. It was Devi!
" Devi?" Johnny whispered, then suddenly understood. He put the bowl down on the sidewalk and took six big steps back and crossed his hands over his chest, " You can get the candy now."
" Can I?" The little girl sobbed.
Devi stopped tugging on the girl's hand and said, " Alright, but I'm not coming any closer. You go get it yourself, if you're so brave," Devi's whole body was quivering. She ripped the mask off and gave Johnny a death glare, " And if you touch her, Nny, my fist is going to be shoved so far down your throat that I'll be using your kidneys as punching bags!"
Johnny gave her a watery grin, " Wouldn't want that happening, now, would I?"
The little girl skipped up to the candy bowl and dipped her hand in, retrieving with it a handful of sweets. She looked up at Johnny and smiled cutely, a gap in her front teeth, " What're you dressed up as, mister?"
" A booger," He replied.
The little girl giggled and then went back to Devi.
" We're going home," Devi said, her voice quivering.
" Chicken!" The little girl cooed out, popping a Tootsie Roll Pop into her mouth.
" Goodnight, Devi," Johnny called after her.
" Interpret this as you want," Devi shouted back, and lifted her middle finger at him, " Sit on it and spin, Nny."
Johnny shrugged to himself. " You win some, you lose some," He whispered and walked into House 777, closing the door after him.
*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*
After writing in his diary for the night, Johnny downed four cups of green tea and once he was hyped up on caffeine he walked outside again. It was cold out, but not so cold that he'd have to take out his winter trench coat.
He had gathered some information as to where Squee was being held. There was not much searching involved; just a few days after he had left, Johnny noticed that Squee was no longer coming home. So Johnny figured him to be dead, shrugged it off as another human gone, and decided to find something else to busy his time with.
That was when the idea of having his dreams interpreted made him smile. Johnny rarely slept because he had fear inside of him, choking him like a metal vice, and he would drift to sleep only when his body forced him to. Otherwise, he fought it off, because the fear strangled him in his sleep, because the fear was there like a thick smog of evil.
He had dreams where he was even worse than in real life; he dreamed he was a true monster. And his dreams teemed and surged with emotion; rivers and roller coasters of pain, love, misery, hope, despair, and hate. He wanted to move away from feeling so badly…
And so he signed up to have his dreams interpreted at a mental hospital. He visited Squee there, and since then, had stopped by often to say hello and offer tidbits of information to the poor child.
Johnny paused. He had been walking for half an hour now, and he was almost there. Suddenly he wished his car hadn't been stolen while he was off. He wished to change much about the last few months; the guilt and shame from his indulgent time away was a shroud over him.
Johnny felt the heavy weight of shame on his chest.
He had wanted to drown his emotions so badly that he'd become a true monster in his away time. Johnny was afraid of his emotions; afraid that they held him back. For instance, he had never killed any children. He feared killing children. And yet, in his away time, in an attempt to drown his emotions, to desensitize himself, he'd tried killing children, and succeeded. Two children, in fact, two children that did nothing at all to him; except he did see them beating up on another kid.
And yet those children still harbored that innocence that Johnny loved; much like Holden Caulfield prized it. Johnny had extinguished the candles of innocence that he loved so much!
And why? WHY?
He had walked away from his nearly year-long massacre streak with nothing more than a limp and even more pent-up emotions. Johnny knew that he was teetering further and further down the route of insanity.
And the guilt that was eating him alive now!
Perhaps all this added together is what drove Johnny to the urge to preserve some sweet youth in innocence forever… without killing it, of course!
Just simply raising it.
And that youth would be Squee.
*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*
He stopped in front of the mental hospital doors. He had been here before; he was here once again. He pushed open the doors and stepped inside.
" Hello, Mr. C! Haven't seen you around for a while!" The friendly doctor at the desk said.
Johnny smiled bleakly in response. " You're right," He said, " It has been a while, hasn't it?"
The doctor nodded, " Come right inside."
She buzzed open the door and Johnny walked in.
Luckily, he was trusted in this building. He slipped through the darkened hallways stealthily, walking right past the Dream-Interpretation room and straight into Squee's little chamber.
He pushed open the door and walked inside.
There was Squee, sitting on the bed, hugging Shmee the teddy bear and staring out the window sadly. There was something so touching about the scene, with Squee gently illuminated by the moonlight like a holy figure in a Catholic stained glass window.
Johnny broke the silence by saying, " Squee?"
Squee turned and stared at him. A look of recognition crossed the young kid's face and he jumped from the bed and backed up against the wall, eyes wide in fear.
" Get away!" Squee gasped out, " don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!"
" I won't hurt you," Johnny said tenderly, " I'm here to take you home."
" Mom and Dad don't want me anymore," Squee replied sadly, his eyes filling with tears, " They left me here. The doctor says they left state right afterwards. I'm here on the state's mercy and governmental money, they say."
" Don't listen to them," Johnny said, " I care about you, right?"
Squee's eyebrows drew together in a tightly-knit frown, " I dunno…" Squee whimpered out, "You'll hurt me like all those other people so far, Mr. Crazy Neighbor Man."
Johnny sighed, " Would you believe me if I told you I'm putting all that behind?"
" No," Squee admitted, shivering, " Please go," Squee whispered, his voice shaking, " I'm scared of you."
All at once, the look in Squee's eyes was a dead reminder of the look of the two young bullies he'd killed. Johnny himself straightened up and backed up against the opposite wall. He stared at Squee, Squee stared back; it was a moment heavier and more painful than stone. The only sound in the room was Squee's shallow and erratic breathing.
" Please?" Squee whispered finally, " Shmee says you should go, too!" Squee shook the teddy bear delicately as he spoke.
Johnny smiled grimly, " Is it better here than with me?"
" Yes!" Squee gasped out, " Please go."
Johnny sighed, " What if I were to take you home with me?"
" I'd scream and wake up everyone in the building," Squee replied honestly.
" This won't be easy," The homicidal maniac replied, glancing out the window of Squee's room at the full moon. What monster are you, the words echoed in his mind, protector of the innocent, that's what.
Squee was being hurt here, being kept someplace where the last of his childhood would be squandered in bottles of medication. No, Johnny had to risk it and save Squee. Johnny walked closer to Squee and held his hands out.
Squee shrank away.
" Squee, come on," Johnny said, " I won't hurt another child, ever again. In fact, I don't ever want to kill again. Is that good enough for you?"
" You're lying," Squee sobbed, " Mommy and Daddy said they wouldn't leave me here, but they did. And you're lying, you'll take me home and kill me. Adults lie!"
" Poor kid," Johnny ran an unsteady hand through his black hair, which had grown in even messier than before, " You can't stay here any longer. I won't live with myself if I let you stay here any longer."
" No!" Squee gasped, as Johnny grabbed him.
" I promise I won't hurt you!" Johnny hissed in Squee's ear, " Just cooperate so that I can get you out of here…"
" AHHH!" Squee shrieked.
" What's going on in there?" A nurse's heels were clattering down the hallway.
" Shit!" Johnny mumbled, setting Squee down. He looked up at the barred window of Squee's room and then jumped at the metal bars. He took out a hairpin and picked the lock holding the window bars down. Then he slipped his lithe little body right out of there.
The nurse raised into the room just as Johnny disappeared.
She looked around the room, saw Squee standing in the corner of the room shivering, and said, "You wet your bed again, didn't you?"
" The crazy neighbor man, he, he…" Squee panted out.
" Shh," The nurse whispered, " If you want dessert tomorrow, you're going to keep quiet. Here," She pulled out a syringe from her pocket and gave Squee a shot. Within seconds he was limp and asleep.
The nurse put Squee to bed again and then left the room.
Johnny waited out the window. Now that Squee was sedated, it'll be easy… and after the kidnapping, it'll all be a smooth road, right?
Author's Note: Johnny thinks fatherhood will be a cinch. Wait until he sees the stress of filling out school papers, dealing with school bullies, getting Squee to bed, and feeding him too! Johnny, who we all know opposes eating and sleeping, will find himself worrying about food and sleeping schedules all over again. And what about Devi? Is a reconciliation near, with Squee as proof that Johnny can and is tamed? Or will Johnny break his promise, and despite the weight of shame on his shoulders, will Johnny end up killing again?
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