Author's Note: I claim to own nothing but the plot. I'm sorry this was so delayed; I was feeling ill. I still am feeling ill, but at least I can think logically without wanting to drive a knife into my face because of these goddamn sinuses!

Chapter Five

Lost and Found

Dear Die-ary,

Nothing.

I am empty today. Except, of course, for the voices.

One says that deep down I am a primeval, sanguinary beast that needs the kill as much as the world needs me to do it; the other that I am destined to be an unemotional robot, that I can manage to get over all this, that I can have some peace at last, that a desirable end is near…

Only a little more work is needed…

There is always an only.

Only… where is Squee?

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Squee sat down on the kitchen chair and stared nervously as Devi hustled around the kitchen to make him something to eat. She looked at him with an embarrassed expression on her face and said, " I have a can of pumpkin pie filling, a handful of croutons, a purple Pixie stick, lots of sour cream, some garlic…"

" Bleh," Squee said to himself.

Devi laughed, " Let's see what else I've got. I haven't cleaned this place out in ages!"

" That's too bad," Squee said shyly.

" Oh!" Devi exclaimed, " I have pizza!" She pulled the frozen circle out of her fridge and then stared at it in despair, " It's a rubber pizza. Cute gag, Tenna…"

" Who's that?" Squee asked, swinging his legs back and forth.

" My friend. Oh, she'd love you!" Devi said with a smile. She hadn't been this happy and excited about anything for years.

Squee smiled pleasantly and then asked, fearfully, " You guys won't hurt me, right?"

" No! Of course not!" Devi gasped, " But you'll have to tell me where you ran away from, okay?"

" I didn't run away," Squee whispered.

" Then what happened?" Devi asked.

So Squee told her.

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Johnny was all packed up, his hurt leg was bandaged, and his eyes were unfocused as he tried to figure out what he wanted to do next. Running away, constantly and forever, would serve little to no purpose. His life now consisted entirely of trying to turn a cheek to his past, and then realizing in an awkward way that he had no other life to turn to.

He lowered himself into a chair in his kitchen and wondered if he should wait and see where Squee went, or if he should look for Squee on his own, or if he should just go ahead and do what he wanted to do for a long time… that is, just break off all contact with humans entirely.

Just as he was coming to some sort of decision the voice came.

" You know you can't handle this all."

Johnny shivered and felt the hair on his neck rise angrily, " Go away!"

" You'll snap. You'll find that little kid and kill him."

" No," Johnny said finally, " I would never hurt Squee."

" You wouldn't, but if one of your voices takes over, they might," Reverend Meat droned, " Like me. If I took over, I'm make sure to get rid of that pest. Isn't that what you feel? That murderous hate and anger that he ran away?"

" I feel nothing! I'm completely complacent."

" You're lying," Reverend Meat crooned, " And I hate you for that. You lie to yourself; you plague yourself with vile mind-clogging emotions that hold you back from letting the real emoting begin!"

" Please go away," Johnny muttered.

" Realize what you want! It's in your grasp! You have nothing to hold you back! Remember those two teen bullies?"

Recognition dawned on Johnny's face, the suppressed memory ringing in his mind clear as a bell. He shuddered and whispered hoarsely, " Shut up! It was an accident. It was entirely out of my control."

" If it was an accident, you would have stopped then and there, when you pulled those two little vermin off the kid they were beating up. But no, you had to go on. You had that look in your eyes. You're not human anymore, you've become a nightmare, a monster, the substance of a child's fears," Reverend Meat whispered, " Why do you fear it? Don't you feel it in your mind? It's in grasp, Nny, it's just in your grasp!"

" Damn you!" Johnny sobbed, " Go away, go away…" He cradled his head in his hands and tried to mute the sound of the voice.

" What monster are you?" Reverend Meat crooned sweetly and was gone.

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Devi was in the dark of her bedroom, scrunched into fetal position, her eyes wide open and staring out the window at the eternally black sky. Her eyes closed for a second but she snapped them open again. When she let her eye roll to the side to see the rest of the room you could see a large, dark expanse of red veins across her eyes. She had been crying, though shamefully, not even bothering with Kleenex so as not to leave any evidence. She blotted at her cheeks angrily with her fists.

So perhaps it had been a long time now since she had lost thought about Johnny. Really thought about him. It was almost impossible to keep him out of her mind though once she saw him on Halloween, being just the average guy, though with the same expression in his eyes. That expression – like a puppy that had been kicked one too many times.

But who's kicking who, Nny? She wanted to know, who's kicking who?

*-.,.-*-.,.-*-.,.-*

Devi woke up feeling much better. The tears she had shed had made her lips feel stiff and her cheeks glazed. She brushed a finger through her eyelashes, separating them for the tears had stuck them together. Then she ran a hand across her bedspread, for a minute trying to recollect what had made her feel quite so terrible in the first place when her hand ran over someone's head beside her.

Fuck! I didn't get drunk and… and bring someone home, right?

She sat up and ripped the covers off and saw that a little boy had crept into her bed. He was small, at most first grade, with the cutest little button nose and the saddest face possible for a boy so young.

Really drunk.

Devi stood and realized she had fallen asleep in her clothing. Now she looked as if someone had run her over a few times and then parked their car over her and let the oil ooze into her hair. She felt dirty, greasy, and unwashed.

Her hands shook as she put the covers over the boy again. Then she headed out into her kitchen and sat down at the table, propping her chin up with her hand. She remembered the day before, the things she learned.

So Johnny's kidnapping kids now, Devi thought morbidly, how inconvenient. Just as I thought at least something was safe from him. Then, she recalled what Squee said as well. Squee (or Todd, as he explained later on) had not truly been hurt by Johnny in any way. In fact, Squee had talked on and on about how Johnny felt he had to preserve something innocent. He had talked about how he wanted to keep everyone away, so that he would never again have to face the emotions that would lead him to being the soulless creature he'd grown to be. Johnny had grown to fear emotion and had developed a distaste for the voices. Yet, as Squee talked on, Devi realized that sometime during Squee's stay the voices had come back to Johnny.

Why is it so hard for you, Johnny? Devi wondered, Why did I manage to pull out rather quickly, and yet to stumbled so pathetically miles before the finish line?

Then she remembered how Johnny had felt so happy with her, how he had felt that he'd never feel such pleasure again. His massive separation anxiety had led him to believe that unless he'd kill her she would do something to ruin the memory.

Of course. I had Tenna, I had people to rely on, Devi figured, while Nny – all he ever trusted and known had probably moved away from him the second something in his mind shifted. Just as he needed support most, he didn't have it. That's why some instinct in him told him he should take Squee. Squee was a way for Johnny to channel his desire to change the world. Squee was the one friend Johnny relied on, and Squee was too young and presumably too innocent to judge Johnny and move away from him.

Pieces were falling together as more of Johnny's life fell apart in her eyes.

Johnny didn't like relationships with adults, if things went well, he assumed they'd get worse; if things were bad, he assumed they'd never get better. I think that's why he tried to kill me as soon as he felt a ripple in the clear waters that were ahead in our relationship.

Devi shivered. What was scary was that it made sense.

Only… what triggered Johnny to make him want to change so drastically? To make him realize, in at least a subliminal way, that he needed a rock behind him if he wanted to change?

Or, actually, what did he do to make him so afraid of what he'd become?

Author's Note: Will Devi become a 'rock' for Johnny too? Or at least will she let him have Squee? Will Squee and Devi work out some sort of relationship between one another? Will they work out a relationship with Johnny? Is there hope for our favorite trio? Is Johnny going to succumb to the voices again before things are better? Is a happy ending possible? Or do I feel that Vasquez-like urge to throw in a twist coming on?

Review and Find Out!