Please note: This story is just a short humorous fic and is not intended to
serve any
purpose. All the people are real people, I have just replaced all names,
including mine so as not to offend anybody by the (somewhat) RANDOM
couples.
Also note: http: //www.middle-earthlink.net is not a real website (though it soon may be) and all references to the possession of Japan and any other places in the Known Universe are purely fictional.
Please contact me if you come across any errors or inaccuracies in the French used! My email address is at the bottom of the story.
Enjoy and be AFRAID!
The Story of the Weresquirrels
It was a quiet night in the bleak December. Dora sat in her bedroom, impatiently awaiting a knock. A single knock, soon to come. She shuddered with excitement and stood up for the fifth time, wondering what could fill up the seconds, empty seconds filling up the darkness. She shuffled her feet over to the dresser where there lay a single book. Which one was it? She flipped open the purple cover and found her Social Studies book. She flipped it open and began studiously poring over the large volume of quaint and forgotten lore, but could not remember the assignment. Fruitlessly, she racked her brain, trying to remember. "Ah, yes, I have homework in Social Studies. But which questions will I have to do? Maybe later tonight I shall call Faith Maria." She slapped herself on the forehead. "Only I don't have her phone number, do I? I know! I'll call Ren?e! Ren?e will know; she always knows these things. What was it now? 678-560-4269 or something? Or was it 0065?" Papers ruffled and fell down to the floor, crumpled, after Dora threw them aside, frantically searching for Ren?e's phone number. "Arg!" She searched in her notebook, in her address book, on all the little scrap sheets of paper beside her bed, and even in the refrigerator! Nowhere was it to be found. Then, as she jerked her head down under the bed for a second look, her hair disheveled, there came a soft rapping at her chamber door. So soft, that it was now silent. A single knock had sounded, a slight tapping at her chamber door. "Arg! It's David!" She scrambled to arrange her clothes and brush her hair. With perfect composure, she opened the door. Darkness there and nothing more. Then she tilted her head slightly and stuck it out a little farther. "David?" From behind the door there emitted a sound. Out stepped David, dressed up all nice for his date. (Nevermore!) "Boo," he said dully. His face remained unmoving. Then he smiled and blushed. "Come on, Dora, or we'll be late." Dora cringed at the very thought of meeting her friends at the school dance. They knew David was crazy about her, and had dared her to say yes when he asked her out. Actually, she kinda liked David; everything about him from his skinny limbs to his overlarge nose sorta made her tingle with the pleasure people do when they see something cute they can't help but like. But no, her friends must not know she liked him back. She would never hear the end of it! She blushed a little (or maybe it was the blush she had overapplied) as David led her to his car. It wasn't anything to be proud of, the old '99 Toyota, but certainly fitting; it had one side slightly more raised than the other and looked as if it drove with a funny sort of lopsided way, somewhat resemblant of David's gait. He opened the door for her and she got in. As he started the motor, a funny scratching noise was heard on the back end of the car. Ignoring it, the two proceeded. ***
"Do we have them effectively followed?" hissed Oblairicon, the chief weresquirrel. "Yes, sir!" replied another. "They should lead us straight to Ren?e." "Eeeeexcellent...." They watched Dora's house behind them shrink to nothing but a dot in the distance. Every passing second brought them closer to revenge, "Ah, after what Ren?e did, stealing the princess of the court that I was most in love with.... Now what am I? A submissive servant, and, a- a, a weresquirrel! I still have that beautiful picture from when I was in seventh grade, that one picture. Look at it! Here I am, smiling like all good submissive servants do when hoping to advance a little in social class, and there, behind me! Look! It is my love, forever- Princess Nick! And that girl, my loathsome mistress no more, she dares go to the dance with him! I don't even know why she goes with him-it's not like she's in love with him or anything. Ah, but now do I truly see-it is to spite me! It shall be a sweet revenge; yeeees, veeeery sweeeeeet. Mwahahahaaaaaa...." She cackled evilly. That night, Oblairicon was to get her revenge. *** David and Dora stood outside the school. "Aha! There they are!" shouted Ren?e and Maria. They had both come with their dates, Ren?e with Nick (who Maria hated for some unknown reason) and Maria with none other that Rodger! Dora tried to stifle her giggles and ended up having an uncontrollable fit of half wild laughter and half racking coughs at the sight. "Dora? Are you okay?" David asked with concern. Now it was Ren?e and Maria's turn to crack up. "What!" Dora asked meekly. They stared at her. "Okay, okay, let's just... go!" she began to stride over towards the entrance. They all headed into the school. It was dark inside, the corridors dimly lit with only a few dim candles, flickering dimly. But it wasn't cold and drafty but quite the contrary; the walls gave off a warm heat and ahead, the great hall radiated a soft glow all over the dance floor. "Beauxbatons has never looked so beautiful before, has it? Just imagine; we spend all day in here taking classes, and now- look at it! Even the arithmancy classroom we passed on our way here looks somewhat less oppressive!" Ren?e said. She sighed. As the six walked into the hall, a shower of frosty stars, like warm yet very real snowflakes, fell upon their shoulders. Icicles dangled low, and nymphs serenaded the throng with white harps rented from Whoville to serve as a prelude for the real music. A tall wooden stand with an intricately woven tablecloth held refreshments and finely twined ice-straw baskets held refreshments. "Cookies!" exclaimed a voice behind them. It was Emma and Toni. "Hey, guys! I didn't think you'd come, not having anybody to dance with and all. Glad to see ya!" said Maria. "Yes, well, we did get two guys, you see...." "Oh, who? Tell me, tell me, tell me!!!" said Dora, jumping up and down. Emma looked even more embarrassed as she said, "Come see," As everybody looked behind them, they saw... "Devin???"(But Devin wasn't there anymore; he was already trying to impress a different crowd of girls) "Hah! And who's this? Oh, Frou-frou! I thought you were coming with Oblairicon!" said Ren?e. Frou-frou's face became pale. "Oblairicon? Ren?e, do you not know what you have done?" Ren?e stared at him with a blank look. Obviously, she had no idea, or maybe she did, she just wanted Frou-frou to say what it was. "Come here, I shall tell you about it." He motioned for her to talk to him in private. After telling her, he said, "Surely Oblairicon will come to seek revenge tonight. Be wary. Thought she is a submissive servant, your friend Oblairicon is a WERESQUIRREL!!!" Gasps emitted from the crowd as Frou-frou yelled out this last word. However, he ignored them and hopped up onto the statue of the bust of Pallas looming beside the large doorway leading to the hall. A raven flew overhead. Everybody soon forgot about it though, as dumb people do when they hear something beyond their comprehension, be it too complicated, refined, or in this case, horrifying. Ren?e remained slightly unsettled but soon forgot along with everybody else. Oblairicon? A weresquirrel? Impossible! And even if she was, she was being watched by the Planet X-ians, was she not? They hated her for having owed them such a huge debt and slacking in the compensation of their already deluginous funds, and in any case, would keep a very close watch on her, to restrain her from committing more such deplorable acts. To them, any affairs that involved money that did not result in their gain were considered corrupt and calamitous in nature. At that very moment, a huge crowd of laughing and joking Planet X-ians passed Ren?e. She stopped in her footsteps, aghast at her mistake. "Then what is to be done, my dear Frou-Frou?" "You must be wary and leave at once before your empire is in ruins." At that very moment, the hall went dark, and a terrible streak of lightning crackled through the sky like- well, like lightning. "'Tis Invader Zim! He had conquered us at last!" shrieked Maria. But the shadow did not have a square-shaped head like everybody's favorite invader does. "Je sais! C'est Jojo, l'?ccureil radioactif! Ah, monseigneur, je suis votre domestique humble, je m'incline devant-vous-(I know! It's Jojo, the radioactive squirrel. My lord, I am your humble servant at your every command, I bow before you!)" But it was not even Jojo. Then Nick spoke: "Aha! It must be ABL, the little green man on Rodger's finger that calls himself Polish but really sucks at polishing metal!" ***laughter*** ***Maria throws a cookie at Nick's head*** ***"Hey, that hurt!"*** ***"Hmm, waste of a good cookie! Oh well. I'll get another one."*** "No! You are all wrong!" cried Ren?e. "It is Oblairicon, the weresquirrel!" Then the repulsive monster in the doorway grinned evilly. David squeezed Dora's hand tightly as she pressed against him in fear. Toni punched Devin. "Stop talking and listen you freak!" Devin looked rather abashed. "And if I don't want to?" "You better!" "No!" "Let's arm wrestle!" "Sure, Toni!" Devin grabbed her hand and they rested their elbows on a table the Planet X- ians pulled up. "One, two, three, go!" They struggled, their hands in a tight deathgrip, for ten minutes. At that time, both were so exhausted that they both fell over backwards, and argued no more, as they were too tired. Everybody's attention turned back to the weresquirrel standing in the doorway. "Come forward, Ren?e," it hissed in a dry, rattling whisper. Rather unimpressed, Ren?e stepped forward in front of the giant monster. "BOW BEFORE ME!" boomed the giant weresquirrel. "Why should I?" said Ren?e. " 'CAUSE I SAY SO!" "No! You're my submissive servant who I command. You'll have to do some more punishments if you don't stop right now. For this, you've already earned yourself a month in the dungeons with restrictions on your staring at Nick!" Angered, Oblairicon began to advance on Ren?e, who shrank back from her. It
looked grim for Ren?e when, suddenly: "Stop right there Oblairicon! And listen!" Nick said, jumping forward. "Why did the frog go into the zipper store?" ***puzzled silence*** "To get some more flies!" ***howling laughter; even Oblairicon is bent double. Nick looks pleased*** ***Maria throws her cup at Nick. The eggnog splatters all over him*** *** "Ewww!" says the crowd*** Oblairicon stood up straight again, a look of anguish on her face. "There, see, Ren?e? Now do you see why, oh why I must have a sweet revenge?
Though I was a submissive servant of your court, I had my eye on a certain princess!" "Oblairicon, surely you are not a-" "No, of course not! It's just the title- Princess Nick; he's not really a princess, just a normal guy who we all call a princess! Or at least I think so. I do not know, and will never know, or even have a chance at knowing except by means o a freak accident! You see, for years, I had my eye on him, specially coordinating my tasks so that I would catch as many glimpses of his sweet face as I could. I stared, made conversation whenever possible, it-it was like a dream, a dream that never ended, and yet I still lived it, hoping for the day when I could confess my true love for him! But no, he cared not for me! No, no-no! I tried everything, even stealing your monkey's paw, but my wish would not come true. But, I didn't know for sure his feelings toward me, did I? I made up my mind to propose to him, to finally confess my secret desire." Nick's face twisted in a grimace of horror at this very prospect. Nonetheless, Oblairicon continued to talk. "And then, he," and then rounding on him said, "You, you know what you did! I was devastated, I fell down into a world of blackness, of madness! It was all Ren?e's fault, and on her would I wreak vengeance! But look now! I am becoming quite sentimental! I shall be the one envied after tonight! Mwahahahahahhaha!" She lifted her paws and her fangs glinted in the moonlight as she prepared to strike. But at that very moment, the windows shattered! Glass exploded everywhere, and everybody scrambled to pull out their wands. Flying through the window came none other than Invader Zim. "Oh, Zim!" cried Maria and leaped into his arms. Rodger looked confused. His date was now passionately kissing the alien from outer space. Zim looked up and said, "Finally, somebody has almost succeeded in conquering earth! Oblairicon, I am on your side! Let us rule earth together!" Of course, Oblairicon, knowing nothing about Zim, thought he really would join her side and rule with her. But Zim wanted earth all for himself, so he could boast of his loot and his alone to the Tallest. Maria rather reluctantly followed Zim, promising to herself not to hurt anybody and to let Ren?e do everything. "Maria! You traitor!" "Maria, 'ow could you? Ees peeg trechery, vat you do now. Come pack and 'elp Ren?e!" said Tashaar. "How about this, I don't hurt anybody and let you guys settle this *slight*
dispute!" She turned back to Invader Zim. "Okay, I guess iss petter that den 'urt us." replied Tashaar. Again, Oblairicon reared up as if to strike Ren?e but Nick leaped in front of her again. "If you come any closer I'll curse you!" Oblairicon sneered at him. "I'd like to see you try!" she said and kept running forward. "Ren?e, help me! Which spell should I use?" "Use Avada Kedavra!" Nick raised his wand and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!" A jet of green light issued from his wand but nothing happened. "Dammit!" He kicked the nearby stone pillar. "Oui, ces batons pouvent etre beaux, mais ils sont un tas de conneries! Merde- toi!" he shouted at the wand and yelled a long string of curses at it in French. But Oblairicon kept on coming. A sudden idea came to him. "Riddelius!" Instantly, Oblairicon was on the floor howling with laughter. She twisted and turned about, uncontrollably guffawing for no apparent reason at all. Her fat weresquirrel body shook with countless tremors. The crowd pulled back in disgust. "Yes! My spell worked!" Nick said. He jumped around happily. "Ah, so you are good for something besides making stupid jokes!" said Ren?e. "Yeah, well my name is Nick, isn't it? I come in handy in the nick of time!" ***hysterical laughter from the crowd*** ***Maria pushes Zim away and curses Nick with the shut-up curse*** ***Nick runs to and fro frantically with his hands over his mouth*** Ren?e sighed, shot an exasperated look at Maria, and took the spell off Nick. He stood up. "Well, Maria, I guess I should put the shut-up curse on you, eh?" He raised his wand but Ren?e kicked him hard and he thought better of it. Then he hopped around on one foot. "Oh, you freakin' loser, go away!" shouted Maria. Nick, afraid of Maria's hostile side shrank back in fear and soon started running as fast as he could in the other direction. Suddenly, a noise came from the cold stone hallway. Oblairicon made an effort to stand up but was laughing too hard and broke down, tears running from her eyes. Booming steps quickly silenced the crowd. Through the icy stone doorway came none other that Jojo the radioactive squirrel. He glowed with a green light and stunk so badly that even Oblairicon made an effort to cover up her nose in the midst of her fit. Everybody in the crowd, even Harry Potter and Lizzie, started to have fits of hacking coughs at the radioactive smell. "Waaaaat eeeeees zeeeeeees? Deeeeeeeer meeeeee, I muuuuuuust teeeeeeeeeeik zeeeeeee speeeeeeeeel oofffffff heeeeeeer!" he said, with a pitying look at Oblairicon. "WHAT?" shouted the crowd. "Aaaaaaaai seeeeeeeeeid, Rescilio!" Oblairicon stopped laughing. She stood up, looked around, and groveled at Jojo's feet. "My lord Jojo, what can I ever do to repay you for saving me from my funny fate?" "Well," he thought for a while. Frou-frou moved an inch, his terror having been alleviated a little by Oblairicon's groveling. "You could join my happy- dance club!" At that Oblairicon's face went as white as a weresquirrel's face can possibly go. "Oh, no more singing and dancing for me, oh no! NO laughing, either! I must get back to my revenge on Ren?e now, Jojo, though it's been nice meeting you." Then Rodger ran forward and whispered in reverence, "Ah, Monseigneur, vous etes venues! Disez-moi qu'est-ce que c'est que vous voulez que je fais et je vais faire tout ce que vous voulez. Et est-ce que je peux joindre votre club de les dances heureuses?" "Oui, Rodger." "Ah, merci, merci, merci! Cause obviously Maria doesn't want me anymore!" He pretended to cry. ***light laughter*** *** "Hey, that's my job!" says Nick*** *** "Sorry, Nick. Bye everybody! I'm gonna join Jojo's happy dance club!"*** He happy-danced out of the room with a look of pure elation and exaltation at the very prospect of spending the rest of his life happy-dancing with Jojo, belonging to the cult of those who like to look and act like idiots, the Order of the Mongoose! Blair was getting impatient. How could Ren?e still be alive? The bright full moon now began to wane in the sky and make way for the oncoming day that was soon to come. Soon, the day would come. As the day would come soon, Blair resolved to end it all once and for all. Soon, before the coming of the day, Ren?e and Nick would be her Submissive Servants! Mwahhahahahahaha! "All right, Ren?e, now I shall vanquish you and your fascist regime utterly! No more shall the World nor All the Known Universe be the objects of your black oppression! For now I, Blair, the Head of the Guild of No Longer Submissive Servantry shall no longer obey your every command nor do your horrible torturous and utterly impossible,"("Nay, not impossible," said the Planet X-ians) "tasks that you assign to keep me from dominating you with my obviously supreme powers. I shall take over the world, for it is corrupt and unjust and I under my rule it shall bask in the very sunshine of the star of just rice and glory!" Ren?e raised an eyebrow. "Howso?" Oblairicon uttered a terrible cry of rage. "Fools! Do you not understand my
plans???" "Well of course I do; I just see my way as the best. I think everybody in the world agrees that rebellious submissive servants should be put in their places." "That's it! Zim, kill them!" "How, Oblairicon?" "I don't know! Use one of your oh so technologically advanced weapon thingys of the future to vaporize them or something!" "Which one should I use?" he said as he displayed a large array of oh so technologically advanced weapon vaporizer thingys of the future that they only have on his faraway planet that is as far away from earth as forever is a long time from now which is how long their Most Perfect and Supreme Empresses Ren?e and Maria will rule the World and All the Known Universe with Oblairicon as their Most Utterly Submissive Servant Head of the Interuniversal Guild of Submissive Servantry but anyway, Oblairicon eyed them all. "Use number 3.1415926535897932384626433828950." "Eeeexcellent choice." He fingered the weapon and raised and pointed it straight at Ren?e. "Zim, honey, no!" cried Maria. She leaped a magnificent leap up into the air that later became known as the Leap of Maria and knocked it out of his hand. It skidded across the floor with a noise like to that of long fingernails scraping across a chalkboard. "Aaaaaarggghhhh!" Zim covered his ears in pain. Seizing the moment, Nick threw himself across the floor and grabbed it just as Zim looked up. Nick examined the vaporizer. "How do you fire this thing?" he inquired, for there was no button on it, only a smooth polished glinting as if it had been polished by a Polish polisher. But it was too late; Zim had held up his magnet attractor weapon summoner thingy of the future and the vaporizer flew out of Nick's hand. "Nooooooooo!" Nick shouted. His face looked like that of a sad puppy whose bone has just been taken away. "It's okay, Nick," sympathized Ren?e. "We all know you have some problems with letting go of things, but really, it's no big deal." She gave him a pat on the back and he recovered from his disappointment. Zim raised his hand with vaporizer model number 3.1415926535897932384626433828950 and before even Maria could stop him, with a bead of sweat running down his forehead, fired. But of course, he missed. "Hey, that was close! You could have killed me!" At that moment, Ursula entered the room. She wore knee-high black leather boots, a short black skirt, and had black hair curled into tight ringlets all around her head. "Well, hello everyone," she said, in her soft voice. Nick turned around and stared at her. Ren?e kicked him hard. *** "Hey, you could have killed me with that!" says Nick.*** *** "Well, stop staring at her and help me stop Zim here from taking over the world and joining forces with the weresquirrels. Please"*** *** "Well," he replies, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"*** *** Everybody is puzzled*** *** "A woodchuck can't chuck wood! Key word there, could!"*** *** The crowd breaks into fits of hysterical laughter*** *** Maria throws vaporizer model 3.1415926535897932384626433828950 at Nick's head*** *** "Hey, you could have killed me with that!"*** *** Everybody in the crowd appears to be having a seizure induced by too much laughter*** "All right, enough of this nonsense!" screamed Blair! "I'm supposed to be having my revenge! Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes! So, Ren?e, say your last last goodbyes! You shall be punished for your insolence in taking from me what I desired most- oh, the most handsome, ?xcitant(don't ask what that means-it's rather disturbing, and it's French too) Princess Nick! Come here, my love!" Nick, slightly uneasy from the beginning had become positively scared at her calling him ?xcitant and started to edge towards Ursula. Ursula said, "Hey there," Nick, almost drooling, said "h-hey, Ur-urs-sul-a...." With that, he fell to the floor. Ursula looked around. "Uh, I think he needs some help. I'll take him somewhere so he can lie down." "Maybe I can help him," said Ren?e. "Uh, I think his condition is a little more serious than that." As she looked at him, she could see a glazed look coming over his eyes. Or maybe he was just staring at her. "You sure?" "Um, yes. I'll- Take him to lie down." With that, she dragged him out of the room. Just then, somebody bumped into Ren?e. She looked, but nobody was there. Since nobody was there, she looked. In the dimly lit room, something suddenly appeared on the dim floor, but it was so dim she couldn't tell. Ren?e looked closer, and there was none other than Frodo Baggins! "Hey, everybody, it's Frodo!" Maria instantly jumped up and pushed Zim aside. "Oh, Frodo, my love, I have been waiting so long! Oh, tell me of your everlasting love for me, especially the highly delusional Ren?e who thinks you don't love me and are really engaged to a hot elven-princess who is the great-granddaughter of the high king of all the elves and is about a thousand years older than you but that doesn't really matter because you two love each other so much that now nothing can keep you apart cause you guys got a huge palace and all and yeah. But that's not true, is it! Come to me, my love!" Frodo, obviously startled by this long and confusing speech, stared at Maria, not knowing what to say. "Um, well, Maria, through I have been chatting with Ren?e, and I've told her everything..." "Yeah, okay, so let's run off and elope already!" Zim looked slightly put off by all this. "No, Maria, you see, um, well, I am engaged to a hot elven-princess who is the great granddaughter of the high king of all the elves and is a thousand years older than me but that doesn't really matter cause we love each other so much that now nothing can keep us apart cause we have a huge palace and all and yeah, get it?" "No, tell me it's not true! Tell me it's not true!" she gasped. "Uh, it is. I just took a wrong turn on the way to our honeymoon in Forlindon. See ya!" "You could at least tell us her name!" "Uh, sorry, can't-that's classified information. You never know where an assassin might be lurking!" "Heh heh heh, what assassin? I-I don't know of anyone who wants to assassinate her. But I know of someone who wants to kill her! Where is she? I'll go give her a piece of my wand!" "That won't be necessary, Maria," said Frodo. "Yeah, Maria," said Ren?e, "I know it's hard letting go of he who you love most, even though I thought that was Zim, but some things just have to be let go of. Come on, let's talk about it." "I don't want to talk about it, okay?" "I'll just be going now, so bye everybody!" said Frodo. With that, he vanished again and footsteps could be heard leading away from the room. "Nooooooooo! Frodo! My love! How could you leave me so cruelly?" gasped Maria as she collapsed onto the floor. The crowd looked sad-Nick had left and they couldn't laugh anymore. Zim, obviously put off by Maria's actions, said "Ahh, faithless huuuumans! I knew something like this would happen! And you, were-squirrel, only you stand in my path of world domination! I suggest you get out of the way or prepare to be uuuutterly cruuuuuushed! Mwaaahahahaahahahahahahaha!" He squeezed his hands together and raised his fists up in the air as he was laughing his evil laugh of doom. "Hey, wanna fight?" Oblairicon hissed. "After I utterly vanquish you I can move on to the weak Supreme Empress! Mwaaaahahahahaahhahahahahahahahaaaaaa!" With that, she leaped on top of Zim and attempted to tear him apart with her monstrous jaws. Zim took out Vaporizer thingy of the future no. 3.141592653589793238 4626433828951 and fired, but of course, missed. He only singed Oblairicon's hideous fell. In the background, Ren?e contrived a plan. "Hey, Maria," she whispered, "I have a plan." "What plan?" said the Fatt One loudly. "Shhhhh," whispered Livia loudly. "Shhhhh," whispered Ren?e softly. "What plan?" whispered Maria softly. Ren?e walked over to a corner and whispered softy in Maria's ear. "My plan," she whispered, "is to ghjetirugbcmvlaskjdo0siefxmnciuefrhgigvnnfd so that kfghvdsfiuv can wrihefv into a dfkjhgebreibvc when skljghferivc fleiruhfekjdb." "Oh, that's genius!" whispered Maria. So the two crept creepily towards their faithless foes. "Hey, Oblairicon, did you know Zim wants to take over the world?" said Ren?e. "Yes, and we shall unite to do it! We've finally worked out our differences. I don't need that Princess, though he is ever so attrctive," *** Nick walks into the room again*** *** "Hey, did someone call me attractive?"*** *** "Get lost, you loser!" shout Ren?e and Maria*** *** Maria tries to find something to throw at Nick, but nothing is there. So she runs over to Zim and throws him*** *** Zim and Nick hit the ground in a crumpled heap and Ursula comes and drags them both away*** "Well, at least we got rid of him for good!" said Maria. "Yes, that's right, but I lay claim to all of his land except Montana." "Hey, he never had Montana," "Oh, that's right." "But now you have to give me Japan!" "No! Japan is mine!" "Can't I at least have a part?" "No! I already gave you that little island, didn't I?" Livia stepped in. "Now, now, girls, violence is not the answer." "But we weren't violent," "I know, I know, you're trying to make excuses, but peace only comes with accepting your mistakes." "Oh, shut up!" With Livia out of the way, they turned their attention to Oblairicon. "Now, Maria, on three! One, two three," "RISE, FRITH, AND VANQUISH ALL THE WERESQUIRRELS!" boomed everybody in the room. "Hey, how did you guys know our plan?" "You were whispering so loudly," said Harry Potter "we couldn't help but overhear." Ren?e and Maria exchanged confused looks. But before they could say anything, Lo! The sun rose and gleamed brightly through the frosted windows. "Nooooooooo!" screamed Oblairicon, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I may not have succeeded today, Ren?e, but someday I will have my revenge on you! I will!" Already, she was writhing and twisting, turning back into her submissive servant form. It really was rather grotesque. Oblairicon looked up, human once more, and said, "Hello. Nice day, isn't it?" Everybody exchanged confused glances. Little snowflakes fell from the roof, although there was a roof between them and the sky, and made the entire hall look even more frosty. "Okay, now it's time to go home," said Ren?e. "Oblairicon, I think you will need to do another task for your unacceptable behavior tonight. I haven't quite come up with one good enough, though..." "Can I at least be made a prince?" "Hah, after this night? I think not!" People slowly filed out of the grand hall, muttering "I thought there was going to be a dance tonight." Ren?e noticed Meester Needel and Josefina at the back of the crowd. As light filled the once dimly-lit hallways of Beauxbatons, the castle seemed quite deserted again. "Ah, Maria, now we must return to our palaces and perform our daily duties. Did I ever tell you about the ruler who left his kingdom for a day, and how his supreme counsellor wreaked havoc over the entire imperium? We were slaving away over hot holograms for hours on end just finding out what had happened!" Maria shuddered. "Oh, yes, we must get back to work!"
*** As Dora walked home with David, she could see the last of the Supreme Empresses' Escort disappearing through the forest. Hmmm, now since when was there a forest here? she thought. She suddenly remembered something. "Hey, David, you know, my parents are out of town." "Okay, so..." "So, that means we get the whole house to ourselves! Heh heh heh..." "Well that's good, isn't it?" "Of course it's good. In fact, it's supreme," They both snickered delightfully as they walked hand in hand over the horizon. *** Ren?e and Maria watched them on their new surveillance camera system. "You would never have thought they liked each other..." "Nope. Never." "Yeah, but everybody knew about Oblairicon and the princess. Hmmm, I was just thinking, what should we do about the princesses? Surely Nick does not
deserve the luxury of his title?" "Maybe he should be appointed official instructor to Oblairicon..." "An excellent idea! Let us put it in writing immediately!"
*** THE END ***
Yet another note: I hope you enjoyed it, as stupid as it was. If you really understand all the allegorical purposes and, basically, the whole picture (which is a very closely guarded secret between Maria and myself) then this makes a lot of sense. Otherwise, you may think we are crazy and that weresquirrels don't exist, and wonder what the possession of All the Known Universe is about. If you're just dying of curiosity, email me at
gushweekasplorch@hotmail.com
And if you're lucky I may answer any questions you might have about the pure absurdity of the entire situation in the story above.
A last note:
Name replacements:
(HAHAHA YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW!!! I WROTE THIS SO LONG AGO THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ALL OF THEM MYSELF!!!)
Also note: http: //www.middle-earthlink.net is not a real website (though it soon may be) and all references to the possession of Japan and any other places in the Known Universe are purely fictional.
Please contact me if you come across any errors or inaccuracies in the French used! My email address is at the bottom of the story.
Enjoy and be AFRAID!
The Story of the Weresquirrels
It was a quiet night in the bleak December. Dora sat in her bedroom, impatiently awaiting a knock. A single knock, soon to come. She shuddered with excitement and stood up for the fifth time, wondering what could fill up the seconds, empty seconds filling up the darkness. She shuffled her feet over to the dresser where there lay a single book. Which one was it? She flipped open the purple cover and found her Social Studies book. She flipped it open and began studiously poring over the large volume of quaint and forgotten lore, but could not remember the assignment. Fruitlessly, she racked her brain, trying to remember. "Ah, yes, I have homework in Social Studies. But which questions will I have to do? Maybe later tonight I shall call Faith Maria." She slapped herself on the forehead. "Only I don't have her phone number, do I? I know! I'll call Ren?e! Ren?e will know; she always knows these things. What was it now? 678-560-4269 or something? Or was it 0065?" Papers ruffled and fell down to the floor, crumpled, after Dora threw them aside, frantically searching for Ren?e's phone number. "Arg!" She searched in her notebook, in her address book, on all the little scrap sheets of paper beside her bed, and even in the refrigerator! Nowhere was it to be found. Then, as she jerked her head down under the bed for a second look, her hair disheveled, there came a soft rapping at her chamber door. So soft, that it was now silent. A single knock had sounded, a slight tapping at her chamber door. "Arg! It's David!" She scrambled to arrange her clothes and brush her hair. With perfect composure, she opened the door. Darkness there and nothing more. Then she tilted her head slightly and stuck it out a little farther. "David?" From behind the door there emitted a sound. Out stepped David, dressed up all nice for his date. (Nevermore!) "Boo," he said dully. His face remained unmoving. Then he smiled and blushed. "Come on, Dora, or we'll be late." Dora cringed at the very thought of meeting her friends at the school dance. They knew David was crazy about her, and had dared her to say yes when he asked her out. Actually, she kinda liked David; everything about him from his skinny limbs to his overlarge nose sorta made her tingle with the pleasure people do when they see something cute they can't help but like. But no, her friends must not know she liked him back. She would never hear the end of it! She blushed a little (or maybe it was the blush she had overapplied) as David led her to his car. It wasn't anything to be proud of, the old '99 Toyota, but certainly fitting; it had one side slightly more raised than the other and looked as if it drove with a funny sort of lopsided way, somewhat resemblant of David's gait. He opened the door for her and she got in. As he started the motor, a funny scratching noise was heard on the back end of the car. Ignoring it, the two proceeded. ***
"Do we have them effectively followed?" hissed Oblairicon, the chief weresquirrel. "Yes, sir!" replied another. "They should lead us straight to Ren?e." "Eeeeexcellent...." They watched Dora's house behind them shrink to nothing but a dot in the distance. Every passing second brought them closer to revenge, "Ah, after what Ren?e did, stealing the princess of the court that I was most in love with.... Now what am I? A submissive servant, and, a- a, a weresquirrel! I still have that beautiful picture from when I was in seventh grade, that one picture. Look at it! Here I am, smiling like all good submissive servants do when hoping to advance a little in social class, and there, behind me! Look! It is my love, forever- Princess Nick! And that girl, my loathsome mistress no more, she dares go to the dance with him! I don't even know why she goes with him-it's not like she's in love with him or anything. Ah, but now do I truly see-it is to spite me! It shall be a sweet revenge; yeeees, veeeery sweeeeeet. Mwahahahaaaaaa...." She cackled evilly. That night, Oblairicon was to get her revenge. *** David and Dora stood outside the school. "Aha! There they are!" shouted Ren?e and Maria. They had both come with their dates, Ren?e with Nick (who Maria hated for some unknown reason) and Maria with none other that Rodger! Dora tried to stifle her giggles and ended up having an uncontrollable fit of half wild laughter and half racking coughs at the sight. "Dora? Are you okay?" David asked with concern. Now it was Ren?e and Maria's turn to crack up. "What!" Dora asked meekly. They stared at her. "Okay, okay, let's just... go!" she began to stride over towards the entrance. They all headed into the school. It was dark inside, the corridors dimly lit with only a few dim candles, flickering dimly. But it wasn't cold and drafty but quite the contrary; the walls gave off a warm heat and ahead, the great hall radiated a soft glow all over the dance floor. "Beauxbatons has never looked so beautiful before, has it? Just imagine; we spend all day in here taking classes, and now- look at it! Even the arithmancy classroom we passed on our way here looks somewhat less oppressive!" Ren?e said. She sighed. As the six walked into the hall, a shower of frosty stars, like warm yet very real snowflakes, fell upon their shoulders. Icicles dangled low, and nymphs serenaded the throng with white harps rented from Whoville to serve as a prelude for the real music. A tall wooden stand with an intricately woven tablecloth held refreshments and finely twined ice-straw baskets held refreshments. "Cookies!" exclaimed a voice behind them. It was Emma and Toni. "Hey, guys! I didn't think you'd come, not having anybody to dance with and all. Glad to see ya!" said Maria. "Yes, well, we did get two guys, you see...." "Oh, who? Tell me, tell me, tell me!!!" said Dora, jumping up and down. Emma looked even more embarrassed as she said, "Come see," As everybody looked behind them, they saw... "Devin???"(But Devin wasn't there anymore; he was already trying to impress a different crowd of girls) "Hah! And who's this? Oh, Frou-frou! I thought you were coming with Oblairicon!" said Ren?e. Frou-frou's face became pale. "Oblairicon? Ren?e, do you not know what you have done?" Ren?e stared at him with a blank look. Obviously, she had no idea, or maybe she did, she just wanted Frou-frou to say what it was. "Come here, I shall tell you about it." He motioned for her to talk to him in private. After telling her, he said, "Surely Oblairicon will come to seek revenge tonight. Be wary. Thought she is a submissive servant, your friend Oblairicon is a WERESQUIRREL!!!" Gasps emitted from the crowd as Frou-frou yelled out this last word. However, he ignored them and hopped up onto the statue of the bust of Pallas looming beside the large doorway leading to the hall. A raven flew overhead. Everybody soon forgot about it though, as dumb people do when they hear something beyond their comprehension, be it too complicated, refined, or in this case, horrifying. Ren?e remained slightly unsettled but soon forgot along with everybody else. Oblairicon? A weresquirrel? Impossible! And even if she was, she was being watched by the Planet X-ians, was she not? They hated her for having owed them such a huge debt and slacking in the compensation of their already deluginous funds, and in any case, would keep a very close watch on her, to restrain her from committing more such deplorable acts. To them, any affairs that involved money that did not result in their gain were considered corrupt and calamitous in nature. At that very moment, a huge crowd of laughing and joking Planet X-ians passed Ren?e. She stopped in her footsteps, aghast at her mistake. "Then what is to be done, my dear Frou-Frou?" "You must be wary and leave at once before your empire is in ruins." At that very moment, the hall went dark, and a terrible streak of lightning crackled through the sky like- well, like lightning. "'Tis Invader Zim! He had conquered us at last!" shrieked Maria. But the shadow did not have a square-shaped head like everybody's favorite invader does. "Je sais! C'est Jojo, l'?ccureil radioactif! Ah, monseigneur, je suis votre domestique humble, je m'incline devant-vous-(I know! It's Jojo, the radioactive squirrel. My lord, I am your humble servant at your every command, I bow before you!)" But it was not even Jojo. Then Nick spoke: "Aha! It must be ABL, the little green man on Rodger's finger that calls himself Polish but really sucks at polishing metal!" ***laughter*** ***Maria throws a cookie at Nick's head*** ***"Hey, that hurt!"*** ***"Hmm, waste of a good cookie! Oh well. I'll get another one."*** "No! You are all wrong!" cried Ren?e. "It is Oblairicon, the weresquirrel!" Then the repulsive monster in the doorway grinned evilly. David squeezed Dora's hand tightly as she pressed against him in fear. Toni punched Devin. "Stop talking and listen you freak!" Devin looked rather abashed. "And if I don't want to?" "You better!" "No!" "Let's arm wrestle!" "Sure, Toni!" Devin grabbed her hand and they rested their elbows on a table the Planet X- ians pulled up. "One, two, three, go!" They struggled, their hands in a tight deathgrip, for ten minutes. At that time, both were so exhausted that they both fell over backwards, and argued no more, as they were too tired. Everybody's attention turned back to the weresquirrel standing in the doorway. "Come forward, Ren?e," it hissed in a dry, rattling whisper. Rather unimpressed, Ren?e stepped forward in front of the giant monster. "BOW BEFORE ME!" boomed the giant weresquirrel. "Why should I?" said Ren?e. " 'CAUSE I SAY SO!" "No! You're my submissive servant who I command. You'll have to do some more punishments if you don't stop right now. For this, you've already earned yourself a month in the dungeons with restrictions on your staring at Nick!" Angered, Oblairicon began to advance on Ren?e, who shrank back from her. It
looked grim for Ren?e when, suddenly: "Stop right there Oblairicon! And listen!" Nick said, jumping forward. "Why did the frog go into the zipper store?" ***puzzled silence*** "To get some more flies!" ***howling laughter; even Oblairicon is bent double. Nick looks pleased*** ***Maria throws her cup at Nick. The eggnog splatters all over him*** *** "Ewww!" says the crowd*** Oblairicon stood up straight again, a look of anguish on her face. "There, see, Ren?e? Now do you see why, oh why I must have a sweet revenge?
Though I was a submissive servant of your court, I had my eye on a certain princess!" "Oblairicon, surely you are not a-" "No, of course not! It's just the title- Princess Nick; he's not really a princess, just a normal guy who we all call a princess! Or at least I think so. I do not know, and will never know, or even have a chance at knowing except by means o a freak accident! You see, for years, I had my eye on him, specially coordinating my tasks so that I would catch as many glimpses of his sweet face as I could. I stared, made conversation whenever possible, it-it was like a dream, a dream that never ended, and yet I still lived it, hoping for the day when I could confess my true love for him! But no, he cared not for me! No, no-no! I tried everything, even stealing your monkey's paw, but my wish would not come true. But, I didn't know for sure his feelings toward me, did I? I made up my mind to propose to him, to finally confess my secret desire." Nick's face twisted in a grimace of horror at this very prospect. Nonetheless, Oblairicon continued to talk. "And then, he," and then rounding on him said, "You, you know what you did! I was devastated, I fell down into a world of blackness, of madness! It was all Ren?e's fault, and on her would I wreak vengeance! But look now! I am becoming quite sentimental! I shall be the one envied after tonight! Mwahahahahahhaha!" She lifted her paws and her fangs glinted in the moonlight as she prepared to strike. But at that very moment, the windows shattered! Glass exploded everywhere, and everybody scrambled to pull out their wands. Flying through the window came none other than Invader Zim. "Oh, Zim!" cried Maria and leaped into his arms. Rodger looked confused. His date was now passionately kissing the alien from outer space. Zim looked up and said, "Finally, somebody has almost succeeded in conquering earth! Oblairicon, I am on your side! Let us rule earth together!" Of course, Oblairicon, knowing nothing about Zim, thought he really would join her side and rule with her. But Zim wanted earth all for himself, so he could boast of his loot and his alone to the Tallest. Maria rather reluctantly followed Zim, promising to herself not to hurt anybody and to let Ren?e do everything. "Maria! You traitor!" "Maria, 'ow could you? Ees peeg trechery, vat you do now. Come pack and 'elp Ren?e!" said Tashaar. "How about this, I don't hurt anybody and let you guys settle this *slight*
dispute!" She turned back to Invader Zim. "Okay, I guess iss petter that den 'urt us." replied Tashaar. Again, Oblairicon reared up as if to strike Ren?e but Nick leaped in front of her again. "If you come any closer I'll curse you!" Oblairicon sneered at him. "I'd like to see you try!" she said and kept running forward. "Ren?e, help me! Which spell should I use?" "Use Avada Kedavra!" Nick raised his wand and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!" A jet of green light issued from his wand but nothing happened. "Dammit!" He kicked the nearby stone pillar. "Oui, ces batons pouvent etre beaux, mais ils sont un tas de conneries! Merde- toi!" he shouted at the wand and yelled a long string of curses at it in French. But Oblairicon kept on coming. A sudden idea came to him. "Riddelius!" Instantly, Oblairicon was on the floor howling with laughter. She twisted and turned about, uncontrollably guffawing for no apparent reason at all. Her fat weresquirrel body shook with countless tremors. The crowd pulled back in disgust. "Yes! My spell worked!" Nick said. He jumped around happily. "Ah, so you are good for something besides making stupid jokes!" said Ren?e. "Yeah, well my name is Nick, isn't it? I come in handy in the nick of time!" ***hysterical laughter from the crowd*** ***Maria pushes Zim away and curses Nick with the shut-up curse*** ***Nick runs to and fro frantically with his hands over his mouth*** Ren?e sighed, shot an exasperated look at Maria, and took the spell off Nick. He stood up. "Well, Maria, I guess I should put the shut-up curse on you, eh?" He raised his wand but Ren?e kicked him hard and he thought better of it. Then he hopped around on one foot. "Oh, you freakin' loser, go away!" shouted Maria. Nick, afraid of Maria's hostile side shrank back in fear and soon started running as fast as he could in the other direction. Suddenly, a noise came from the cold stone hallway. Oblairicon made an effort to stand up but was laughing too hard and broke down, tears running from her eyes. Booming steps quickly silenced the crowd. Through the icy stone doorway came none other that Jojo the radioactive squirrel. He glowed with a green light and stunk so badly that even Oblairicon made an effort to cover up her nose in the midst of her fit. Everybody in the crowd, even Harry Potter and Lizzie, started to have fits of hacking coughs at the radioactive smell. "Waaaaat eeeeees zeeeeeees? Deeeeeeeer meeeeee, I muuuuuuust teeeeeeeeeeik zeeeeeee speeeeeeeeel oofffffff heeeeeeer!" he said, with a pitying look at Oblairicon. "WHAT?" shouted the crowd. "Aaaaaaaai seeeeeeeeeid, Rescilio!" Oblairicon stopped laughing. She stood up, looked around, and groveled at Jojo's feet. "My lord Jojo, what can I ever do to repay you for saving me from my funny fate?" "Well," he thought for a while. Frou-frou moved an inch, his terror having been alleviated a little by Oblairicon's groveling. "You could join my happy- dance club!" At that Oblairicon's face went as white as a weresquirrel's face can possibly go. "Oh, no more singing and dancing for me, oh no! NO laughing, either! I must get back to my revenge on Ren?e now, Jojo, though it's been nice meeting you." Then Rodger ran forward and whispered in reverence, "Ah, Monseigneur, vous etes venues! Disez-moi qu'est-ce que c'est que vous voulez que je fais et je vais faire tout ce que vous voulez. Et est-ce que je peux joindre votre club de les dances heureuses?" "Oui, Rodger." "Ah, merci, merci, merci! Cause obviously Maria doesn't want me anymore!" He pretended to cry. ***light laughter*** *** "Hey, that's my job!" says Nick*** *** "Sorry, Nick. Bye everybody! I'm gonna join Jojo's happy dance club!"*** He happy-danced out of the room with a look of pure elation and exaltation at the very prospect of spending the rest of his life happy-dancing with Jojo, belonging to the cult of those who like to look and act like idiots, the Order of the Mongoose! Blair was getting impatient. How could Ren?e still be alive? The bright full moon now began to wane in the sky and make way for the oncoming day that was soon to come. Soon, the day would come. As the day would come soon, Blair resolved to end it all once and for all. Soon, before the coming of the day, Ren?e and Nick would be her Submissive Servants! Mwahhahahahahaha! "All right, Ren?e, now I shall vanquish you and your fascist regime utterly! No more shall the World nor All the Known Universe be the objects of your black oppression! For now I, Blair, the Head of the Guild of No Longer Submissive Servantry shall no longer obey your every command nor do your horrible torturous and utterly impossible,"("Nay, not impossible," said the Planet X-ians) "tasks that you assign to keep me from dominating you with my obviously supreme powers. I shall take over the world, for it is corrupt and unjust and I under my rule it shall bask in the very sunshine of the star of just rice and glory!" Ren?e raised an eyebrow. "Howso?" Oblairicon uttered a terrible cry of rage. "Fools! Do you not understand my
plans???" "Well of course I do; I just see my way as the best. I think everybody in the world agrees that rebellious submissive servants should be put in their places." "That's it! Zim, kill them!" "How, Oblairicon?" "I don't know! Use one of your oh so technologically advanced weapon thingys of the future to vaporize them or something!" "Which one should I use?" he said as he displayed a large array of oh so technologically advanced weapon vaporizer thingys of the future that they only have on his faraway planet that is as far away from earth as forever is a long time from now which is how long their Most Perfect and Supreme Empresses Ren?e and Maria will rule the World and All the Known Universe with Oblairicon as their Most Utterly Submissive Servant Head of the Interuniversal Guild of Submissive Servantry but anyway, Oblairicon eyed them all. "Use number 3.1415926535897932384626433828950." "Eeeexcellent choice." He fingered the weapon and raised and pointed it straight at Ren?e. "Zim, honey, no!" cried Maria. She leaped a magnificent leap up into the air that later became known as the Leap of Maria and knocked it out of his hand. It skidded across the floor with a noise like to that of long fingernails scraping across a chalkboard. "Aaaaaarggghhhh!" Zim covered his ears in pain. Seizing the moment, Nick threw himself across the floor and grabbed it just as Zim looked up. Nick examined the vaporizer. "How do you fire this thing?" he inquired, for there was no button on it, only a smooth polished glinting as if it had been polished by a Polish polisher. But it was too late; Zim had held up his magnet attractor weapon summoner thingy of the future and the vaporizer flew out of Nick's hand. "Nooooooooo!" Nick shouted. His face looked like that of a sad puppy whose bone has just been taken away. "It's okay, Nick," sympathized Ren?e. "We all know you have some problems with letting go of things, but really, it's no big deal." She gave him a pat on the back and he recovered from his disappointment. Zim raised his hand with vaporizer model number 3.1415926535897932384626433828950 and before even Maria could stop him, with a bead of sweat running down his forehead, fired. But of course, he missed. "Hey, that was close! You could have killed me!" At that moment, Ursula entered the room. She wore knee-high black leather boots, a short black skirt, and had black hair curled into tight ringlets all around her head. "Well, hello everyone," she said, in her soft voice. Nick turned around and stared at her. Ren?e kicked him hard. *** "Hey, you could have killed me with that!" says Nick.*** *** "Well, stop staring at her and help me stop Zim here from taking over the world and joining forces with the weresquirrels. Please"*** *** "Well," he replies, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"*** *** Everybody is puzzled*** *** "A woodchuck can't chuck wood! Key word there, could!"*** *** The crowd breaks into fits of hysterical laughter*** *** Maria throws vaporizer model 3.1415926535897932384626433828950 at Nick's head*** *** "Hey, you could have killed me with that!"*** *** Everybody in the crowd appears to be having a seizure induced by too much laughter*** "All right, enough of this nonsense!" screamed Blair! "I'm supposed to be having my revenge! Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes! So, Ren?e, say your last last goodbyes! You shall be punished for your insolence in taking from me what I desired most- oh, the most handsome, ?xcitant(don't ask what that means-it's rather disturbing, and it's French too) Princess Nick! Come here, my love!" Nick, slightly uneasy from the beginning had become positively scared at her calling him ?xcitant and started to edge towards Ursula. Ursula said, "Hey there," Nick, almost drooling, said "h-hey, Ur-urs-sul-a...." With that, he fell to the floor. Ursula looked around. "Uh, I think he needs some help. I'll take him somewhere so he can lie down." "Maybe I can help him," said Ren?e. "Uh, I think his condition is a little more serious than that." As she looked at him, she could see a glazed look coming over his eyes. Or maybe he was just staring at her. "You sure?" "Um, yes. I'll- Take him to lie down." With that, she dragged him out of the room. Just then, somebody bumped into Ren?e. She looked, but nobody was there. Since nobody was there, she looked. In the dimly lit room, something suddenly appeared on the dim floor, but it was so dim she couldn't tell. Ren?e looked closer, and there was none other than Frodo Baggins! "Hey, everybody, it's Frodo!" Maria instantly jumped up and pushed Zim aside. "Oh, Frodo, my love, I have been waiting so long! Oh, tell me of your everlasting love for me, especially the highly delusional Ren?e who thinks you don't love me and are really engaged to a hot elven-princess who is the great-granddaughter of the high king of all the elves and is about a thousand years older than you but that doesn't really matter because you two love each other so much that now nothing can keep you apart cause you guys got a huge palace and all and yeah. But that's not true, is it! Come to me, my love!" Frodo, obviously startled by this long and confusing speech, stared at Maria, not knowing what to say. "Um, well, Maria, through I have been chatting with Ren?e, and I've told her everything..." "Yeah, okay, so let's run off and elope already!" Zim looked slightly put off by all this. "No, Maria, you see, um, well, I am engaged to a hot elven-princess who is the great granddaughter of the high king of all the elves and is a thousand years older than me but that doesn't really matter cause we love each other so much that now nothing can keep us apart cause we have a huge palace and all and yeah, get it?" "No, tell me it's not true! Tell me it's not true!" she gasped. "Uh, it is. I just took a wrong turn on the way to our honeymoon in Forlindon. See ya!" "You could at least tell us her name!" "Uh, sorry, can't-that's classified information. You never know where an assassin might be lurking!" "Heh heh heh, what assassin? I-I don't know of anyone who wants to assassinate her. But I know of someone who wants to kill her! Where is she? I'll go give her a piece of my wand!" "That won't be necessary, Maria," said Frodo. "Yeah, Maria," said Ren?e, "I know it's hard letting go of he who you love most, even though I thought that was Zim, but some things just have to be let go of. Come on, let's talk about it." "I don't want to talk about it, okay?" "I'll just be going now, so bye everybody!" said Frodo. With that, he vanished again and footsteps could be heard leading away from the room. "Nooooooooo! Frodo! My love! How could you leave me so cruelly?" gasped Maria as she collapsed onto the floor. The crowd looked sad-Nick had left and they couldn't laugh anymore. Zim, obviously put off by Maria's actions, said "Ahh, faithless huuuumans! I knew something like this would happen! And you, were-squirrel, only you stand in my path of world domination! I suggest you get out of the way or prepare to be uuuutterly cruuuuuushed! Mwaaahahahaahahahahahahaha!" He squeezed his hands together and raised his fists up in the air as he was laughing his evil laugh of doom. "Hey, wanna fight?" Oblairicon hissed. "After I utterly vanquish you I can move on to the weak Supreme Empress! Mwaaaahahahahaahhahahahahahahahaaaaaa!" With that, she leaped on top of Zim and attempted to tear him apart with her monstrous jaws. Zim took out Vaporizer thingy of the future no. 3.141592653589793238 4626433828951 and fired, but of course, missed. He only singed Oblairicon's hideous fell. In the background, Ren?e contrived a plan. "Hey, Maria," she whispered, "I have a plan." "What plan?" said the Fatt One loudly. "Shhhhh," whispered Livia loudly. "Shhhhh," whispered Ren?e softly. "What plan?" whispered Maria softly. Ren?e walked over to a corner and whispered softy in Maria's ear. "My plan," she whispered, "is to ghjetirugbcmvlaskjdo0siefxmnciuefrhgigvnnfd so that kfghvdsfiuv can wrihefv into a dfkjhgebreibvc when skljghferivc fleiruhfekjdb." "Oh, that's genius!" whispered Maria. So the two crept creepily towards their faithless foes. "Hey, Oblairicon, did you know Zim wants to take over the world?" said Ren?e. "Yes, and we shall unite to do it! We've finally worked out our differences. I don't need that Princess, though he is ever so attrctive," *** Nick walks into the room again*** *** "Hey, did someone call me attractive?"*** *** "Get lost, you loser!" shout Ren?e and Maria*** *** Maria tries to find something to throw at Nick, but nothing is there. So she runs over to Zim and throws him*** *** Zim and Nick hit the ground in a crumpled heap and Ursula comes and drags them both away*** "Well, at least we got rid of him for good!" said Maria. "Yes, that's right, but I lay claim to all of his land except Montana." "Hey, he never had Montana," "Oh, that's right." "But now you have to give me Japan!" "No! Japan is mine!" "Can't I at least have a part?" "No! I already gave you that little island, didn't I?" Livia stepped in. "Now, now, girls, violence is not the answer." "But we weren't violent," "I know, I know, you're trying to make excuses, but peace only comes with accepting your mistakes." "Oh, shut up!" With Livia out of the way, they turned their attention to Oblairicon. "Now, Maria, on three! One, two three," "RISE, FRITH, AND VANQUISH ALL THE WERESQUIRRELS!" boomed everybody in the room. "Hey, how did you guys know our plan?" "You were whispering so loudly," said Harry Potter "we couldn't help but overhear." Ren?e and Maria exchanged confused looks. But before they could say anything, Lo! The sun rose and gleamed brightly through the frosted windows. "Nooooooooo!" screamed Oblairicon, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I may not have succeeded today, Ren?e, but someday I will have my revenge on you! I will!" Already, she was writhing and twisting, turning back into her submissive servant form. It really was rather grotesque. Oblairicon looked up, human once more, and said, "Hello. Nice day, isn't it?" Everybody exchanged confused glances. Little snowflakes fell from the roof, although there was a roof between them and the sky, and made the entire hall look even more frosty. "Okay, now it's time to go home," said Ren?e. "Oblairicon, I think you will need to do another task for your unacceptable behavior tonight. I haven't quite come up with one good enough, though..." "Can I at least be made a prince?" "Hah, after this night? I think not!" People slowly filed out of the grand hall, muttering "I thought there was going to be a dance tonight." Ren?e noticed Meester Needel and Josefina at the back of the crowd. As light filled the once dimly-lit hallways of Beauxbatons, the castle seemed quite deserted again. "Ah, Maria, now we must return to our palaces and perform our daily duties. Did I ever tell you about the ruler who left his kingdom for a day, and how his supreme counsellor wreaked havoc over the entire imperium? We were slaving away over hot holograms for hours on end just finding out what had happened!" Maria shuddered. "Oh, yes, we must get back to work!"
*** As Dora walked home with David, she could see the last of the Supreme Empresses' Escort disappearing through the forest. Hmmm, now since when was there a forest here? she thought. She suddenly remembered something. "Hey, David, you know, my parents are out of town." "Okay, so..." "So, that means we get the whole house to ourselves! Heh heh heh..." "Well that's good, isn't it?" "Of course it's good. In fact, it's supreme," They both snickered delightfully as they walked hand in hand over the horizon. *** Ren?e and Maria watched them on their new surveillance camera system. "You would never have thought they liked each other..." "Nope. Never." "Yeah, but everybody knew about Oblairicon and the princess. Hmmm, I was just thinking, what should we do about the princesses? Surely Nick does not
deserve the luxury of his title?" "Maybe he should be appointed official instructor to Oblairicon..." "An excellent idea! Let us put it in writing immediately!"
*** THE END ***
Yet another note: I hope you enjoyed it, as stupid as it was. If you really understand all the allegorical purposes and, basically, the whole picture (which is a very closely guarded secret between Maria and myself) then this makes a lot of sense. Otherwise, you may think we are crazy and that weresquirrels don't exist, and wonder what the possession of All the Known Universe is about. If you're just dying of curiosity, email me at
gushweekasplorch@hotmail.com
And if you're lucky I may answer any questions you might have about the pure absurdity of the entire situation in the story above.
A last note:
Name replacements:
(HAHAHA YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW!!! I WROTE THIS SO LONG AGO THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER ALL OF THEM MYSELF!!!)