The Secret Diaries of The Lost Boys

Max's Diary DAY 1

Rather bored.  All very well being head honcho of evilness in small town, but have no-one to talk to – Thorn rather monosyllabic, all he does is growl, and David too intent on watching "The Sound of Music" to be much of a conversationalist.

Wonder why David has new obsession.

Possibly someone he ate?

DAY 2

Waiting for Vampire Weekly to arrive, damn paperboys, they keep going out in the sunlight and being incinerated.  V. tiresome.  Vampire Weekly always late.

Read Cosmo instead.  Says that grey is the new black.  Must buy some grey.  Also says pencil skirts are way out.  Excellent, I have horrific legs.

Have read Woman's Weekly too.  Many horror stories about men not dating women who already have children by other men.  This is untapped territory.  May be able to get date with (broken) family type woman?  All single women turned off by fangs.  Perhaps jaded woman would be able to learn to love me for me?

DAY 3

Once more hounded by David for "The Sound of Music".  Have officially banned him and the boys several times, but still they come back.  If this continues will put crosses over doors… Thus trapping self inside store.  Not a perfect plan, will think it over for awhile.

In other news:  Have met lovely lady called Lucy.  Offered her job.  Wasn't too keen.  Bribed her with free videos, she caved.

She too enquired about "The Sound of Music".

Have finally ordered it.  Maybe that will shut David up.

DAY 4

Saw boys zoom past on motorbikes.  Dear gods, what has happened to Star?  Hair is simply enormous!  And following was boy with similar hair, did not realise Lucy's son had such big hair.  Hope they don't breed.

DAY 5

Have date!  V. happy.  V. nervous too.  David came in to bother me about "The Sound of Music" again.  Have shown him receipt, proving it is on order.  He went away, muttering something about taking his business elsewhere.

Honestly!  I give him rentals at half price.  Ungrateful wretch.

However, back to date.  V. nervous.  Back issues of Woman's Weekly came in today.  Have prepared 'family man' type speech to use.  Hope it works.  Haven't had any since Henry VIII was marrying left, right and centre.

LATER

Would sulk, but too tired.  Lucy vanished at speed of light after hearing phone call from her sons.  This is where being a 'family guy' gets you.  Dateless with only a Hound of Hell for company on a Friday night.

DAY 6

Yay!  Another date with Lucy.  Have re-read every single copy of Woman's Weekly.  There were no tips on 'What to do if your Hound of Hell attacks your date while you're sleeping' but I think a bottle of wine and an apology would be a good start.

Hrmm.  Is that David going into the rival video store?  Sneaky little rat.  The damn video is on order, what more can I do?

Ha ha!  He's just left empty-handed.  That'll teach him for going to the opposition.

Right.  Must go prepare for date.

LATER

Another disasterous date.

Note to self:  Have David kill youngest Emerson boy.  And stoic twits too.

DAY 7

Impaled by fence post.

All things considered, 'family guy' not the best tactic to get a date.