****Commercial Break****
*Bakura walks onto screen, eyeing priceless jewelry in the window of a store that's closed. He looks around to see if anyone's coming.*
We all do dumb things.
*Bakura breaks the window, automatically setting off numerous alarms. He snatches the jewelry and turns to run, only to find several 6 feet tall guards.*
Bakura: O.O
*the guards beat Bakura mercilessly, handcuffing him afterwards.*
Bakura: I plead insanity!!
Paying too much for car insurance doesn't have to be one of them. Call 1- 800-GEICO. Fifteen minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Geico.
****End Commercial****
Yami: One morning, I woke up to greet my friends.
Bakura: Yami, you're fat.
Malik: It's true. You're overweight You've got love handles. And saddle bags under your eyes.
Bakura:...He's right! For the longest time, I thought you were a bellhop with all those bags!
Malik: You've got a beer gut too.
Yami:...But I don't drink beer.
Malik:...So?
Bakura: Yeah, so?
Yami: I knew I had to do something. So I picked up the phone. And I called Jenny Craig.
*several weeks later*
Yami: I lost 93 pounds on the Jenny Craig program, and I feel great.
Bakura: *tears in eyes from laughing* He only weighed 94!!! If I sat on him, I'd break him in half!!
Malik: *also crying from laughing* No, wait! I've got an idea! Hey Yami!
Yami: *turns around* Yes?
Malik: You're fat! You look like a grandma! Not very fitting of a Pharaoh!
Bakura: Not much of anything fits him now...his clothes...his shoes...his ego...*snorts*
Malik: His hair weighs more than his whole body...meaning his head is empty.
Yami: *walks off* I'll just lose more weight!
Bakura:...If he loses anymore he'll disappear.
Malik:...Who's complaining? I'm not.
Bakura:...He'll be nothing but a pile of bones.
Malik:...True. But like I said, who cares.
*in a sing-song voice* 1-800-97-Jenny!
****End Commercial****
Yugi: *in the middle of Madison Square Garden, holding up gigantic sign* Save Avril! Don't let her death be in vain!!
Yami: Yugi, you can't save her. She's dead.
Bakura: *sipping martini glass full of Beaujolais-Villages Jean-Marc Aujoux wine casually, with his hand in his pocket. He's wearing a black tuxedo with only two buttons of his shirt fastened, and his bow tie is hanging around his neck, untied.* Will you shut up Motou? I could give less than a (omitted) about your loser Snapple.
Yugi: But, we can bring her back! We're trying to get enough money to pay Kaiba for the use of his realistic duel system! Then we can use Monster Reborn!
Yami:...For what?
Yugi: To save Avril!!
Yami:...She's a duel monster?
Yugi: No, but the effects will be the same!
Bakura: *still sipping* She's a monster alright, but I don't think you could duel with her.
Yami:...I think she's a duel monster.
Yugi: No she's not-
Yami: *snatches the mike from Yugi* I have reason to believe Avril was a duel monster. One of a kind.
Yugi: She meant more to me than anything! Please fund our research!
Yami Kajita: (from audience) Who cares?!
Dimitri: (also in audience; with his annoyingly cute voice) Yeah Anvil sucked!
Yugi: It's Avril!
Yami Kajita: He's right! Anvil is what killed Brittany Spears! It was brilliant!
Dimitri: ^.^ Tell it like it is sister!
Yugi: Bakura, could you help?
Bakura: I wouldn't fund this if Monica was dancing naked on a piano wearing absolutely nothing but a Playboy Bunny bow tie. TM.
Yami: Preach it.
Ryou: Don't give up Yugi! Someone out there agrees with you.
Yugi: You're right! I'll always have you and Teà and Tristan to back me up!
Ryou:...Nah, I'll think I'll sit this one out.
Yugi: WHAT?!
Ryou: (calmly) People die everyday. I certainly can't help you. What's done is done. Here have a cookie. Yugi: *takes cookie, throws it into audience* That's for you, Avril! And so is this! *jumps off of the stage, hoping to be caught, but only winds up tasting cement, landing flat on his face.*
Bakura: *still sipping drink* And if you'll turn to your right, you'll see this nice fresh personal pan pizza...which is in the shape of a midget. TM.
Yami: What's TM?
Bakura: Trade mark.
Yami: No, I mean what's trade mark.
Bakura: My midget crack on Yugi.
****End Commercial Break****
Laura: (cheesy smile plastered on her face) Welcome back!
Monica: Yeah, they got that blood off the floor finally. I hope the guy that slipped in it and broke his spine isn't like *dead* or anything. That'd be a mess to clean up.
Mokuba: Not really. They'd just toss him in a big trash bag and burn it.
Audience: *laughs*
Mokuba: ...That wasn't supposed to be funny.
Monica: Yeah, uh...I don't think they care.
Laura: We've come to our first big event of the evening, the presentation of the very first Osiris Deathtime Achievement Award.
Monica: Deathtime achievement? That sound kind of final right there.
Mokuba: O.O
Laura: Yes, well, to tell us about this award is our very special, very honored guest, everyone's favorite owner of the Sennen Tauk, Ishtar Isis. And to help her at this glorious moment in her life, Shadi.
Monica: ^_^ Oh yeah, he fine!
*host/hostesses exit, presenters enter. Giant screen lowers behind them.*
Isis: (in her ever creepy voice) You know, Deathtime Achievement is much better than Lifetime Achievement. The Osiris Deathtime Achievement Award is bestowed upon by mere mortals through the grace of the gods, as a promise that what they've done will be remembered in the Afterlife, and may very well tip the Sennen Scale in their favor, when weighed against the Feather of Truth.
Shadi:...Not really. It's just a gold statue in the shape of the Sphinx-as if that represents greatness or something.
Isis: ...It does.
Shadi: ...Not really. Anyway, it's particularly ugly, as is the very first acceptor of this award, Ishtar Malik.
****In audience****
Malik: (obviously shocked) Me?! Ugly.!!?? AS IF!!!
****Onstage****
*pictures of Malik's life flash across the screen as the two presenters narrate*
Isis: Malik was always a special child. He did after all murder our father.
*Picture of Malik covered in blood flashes across screen*
Malik: (in audience) ACK!! Bringing back.painful memories.!!
Shadi: And he used the Millennium Rod to take over the minds of various slaves and form the ever creepy and present Rare Hunters.
*crickets chirp*
Shadi:...Why does that keep happening every time someone says Rare Hunters?
*cricket chirps*
Yami Kajita: (shouting from the distance) Because they're not important! And they suck! Like Teà!
Teà: HEY!
Shadi: Good point.
Isis: But particularly this award is being given for a very unique trait of my brother's. More specifically...the Memory.
*A hushed whisper falls over the audience as a picture of the Memory is shown on the screen behind them.*
Malik: (clutches chest) Memories...threatening...to...overwhelm...me!
Isis: Malik, you've been chosen by the gods to receive this award because of your Memory. The entire Yu-gi-ou series is focused around the contents of what our father carved in your back. However painful it may have been, you're a very important character, for without you, there would be no Yu-gi- ou.
Shadi: ...Believe what you want. And now, for no particular reason, the Mysterious Voice will narrate Malik's life and show some stupid pictures of when he was a kid up until now.
MV: Malik is very hot. His entire childhood he lived underground. This did not stop him from being hot-only added to it.
*Screen shows picture of Malik with his shirt off sweating in the Sahara sun, drinking a bottled water.*
Girls in Audience: *cheer wildly*
Tea: *mouth agape* Malik, when did you get to be shaped like that?!
Malik: That was like a year ago, I was modeling to keep money coming in so that I could take over the world. Those are Guess? Jeans, by the way- another shameless promotion.
Bakura: You don't say. Guess?
Malik: TM.
MV: After a crazed encounter with his father through his Yami, Malik abruptly killed him.
*Picture of Malik standing with his back partially exposed through a shower curtain, hair and skin dripping wet.*
Girls in Audience: *wolf calls*
Malik: ^_^ That was when I was doing Irish Springs-the fresh scent of Malik! TM.
MV: After obtaining the Sennen Rod, Malik's greatest dream was to gather all 3 god cards and take over the world, proclaiming himself Pharaoh over Yami.
*Picture of Malik leaning against his bike, shirt open, blowing in the wind, hair slightly mussed, tight jeans open to reveal snug fitting boxers.*
Malik: Hey, that's one of my International Male pictures! TM.
Seto: These are nothing but shameless self promotions of your products and uses as a model.
Malik: It's about time I got some exposure!
MV: Originally, Malik possessed two of the three god cards-Ra and Sliffer.
*Picture of Malik pops up leaning up against Sliffer, who is curled up in a tight dragon pose, holding up the Ra card towards the camera in nothing but baggy jeans and K Swiss.*
Malik: Oh wow! That's one of my best pictures!
Bakura: I'll say! You've really been working out!
Malik: (sheepishly) Well, I try. It's kind of hard to keep your stomach this flat, but I know how to make sacrifices.
MV: But he gave them both over to Yami for safekeeping, after his spirit was supposedly banished to the Shadow Realm.
Yami Malik: Will...kill...Yami...(laughs maniacally)
Ryou: I think he's really holding a grudge against you Yami.
Yami: (shrugs)
Yugi: (is now quite sober because of Kool-Aid/vodka drink) Is it just me, or is Malik really hot?
All: O.O
Yugi: If I were a girl, I'd definitely date him! He could have my panties anytime!
Malik:...You wear panties?
Joey: O.O You're a girl!?
MV: Today Malik can be seen modeling for various fashion companies, and hopes to one day still proclaim himself King of Egypt. Until that time, he'll submit to Yami.
Malik: Untrue!
Yami Malik: (angrily) A damnable lie!
Shadi: ...That was just pointless. Alright Malik, come up here and get your stupid award.
Audience: *claps, girls whistle wildly*
*Malik approaches the podium*
Malik: (snatches award from Shadi, smiles at Isis) Thank you so very much! I have just one thing to say on such a very special occasion: Shadi is bald! (knocks turban off of Shadi's head, revealing bald globe) That's for calling me ugly. (laughs, walks off stage)
Audience: *laughs as Shadi collects his hat and stomps off stage*
Isis: We'll be back after a word from our sponser.
****Commercial Break****
(Yami Malik's eyes are pasted against a sign in a zoo that reads: "Do NOT feed the animals." He looks around to see if anyone's coming.)
We all do dumb things.
(Yami Malik snatches Seto Lover and throws them over the railing into the pit below, which happens to be the lion's den.)
Seto Lover: AH!!!
Yami Malik: (laughing maniacally) (to guards) You'll never take me alive!!!! (bends over and moons the guards shamelessly and starts running like hell)
Flaming Griffin of Malik and Lady Sephiroth doesn't have to be one of them. Although this has nothing to do with our insurance. Call 1-800-GEICO. A fifteen minute call could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Geico.
****End Commercial****
Bakura: Hi, I'm Bakura.
Ryou: And I'm Ryou.
Bakura: (obviously angry) We're here to do the public a favor by telling you about this limousine service. It will take you anywhere you want-within the whole city block-for a very nice price.
Ryou: -_- It's $$1,000,000,000,000.94 per person. How is that nice?
Bakura: For the limousine driver. That means he can get one billion double dollars to take someone down the street. He'll never have to work again. Unless he's greedy.
Ryou: You mean like you? We're supposed to warn these people Bakura.
Bakura: Really. Well isn't that something.
Ryou: They could be disguised as any car company, and they hold people against their will if you don't pay them.
Bakura: And ultimately, if you don't pay them, they'll take it out of your (omitted).
Ryou: O.O Don't tell people that!
Bakura: I don't see why not. (pulls out bottle of 1993 Sutter Home White Zinfandel and drinks straight from the bottle, but amazingly doesn't look like an alcoholic)
Ryou:...I think you're an alcoholic. Every time I see you, you're drinking. And it's always old. What is that?
Bakura:...Hear that? It's the sound of no one caring about your stupid questions.
Ryou: -.-...*whimpers slightly* How can you be so mean??
Bakura:...Quite carefully, I would hope.
Ryou: O.O Please be careful of the limousines you choose to ride in.
****End Commercial****
Mokuba: (obviously on a sugar high, singing) Yuugi Motou, where are you, the Pharaoh's calling me!
Ryou: (also on a sugar high, singing) Solve the puzzle, transformate into the Duel King and teach me...Yami Yuugi!
Mokuba: Summoning and defending-
Ryou: Come on let's go!!
Mokuba: -Face down, flip affect, fusion is the final key!
Malik: (flatly, showing no emotion) Exodia the Forbidden One e-e-e-entered my possession now the d-d-d-d-duel is done.
All: O.O
Malik: What are you staring at???
Bakura: (not even singing, just talking, and sipping on Haig & Haig whiskey) Yo, Weevil, don't you understand? It's not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.
All except Malik: O.O
Yami: I'm the master of the duel, it's been a pleasure to beat you-
Ryou: Come on let's go!!
Bakura: The faggotronics ensues. I've paid my debt to society.
All except Malik and Bakura: (still singing in background)
Teà: (cheesily) Music Inspired by the Yu-Gi-Ou: Music To Duel By Soundtrack. Come pick up your copy today!
****End Commercial Break****
*Camera focuses on podium, where host/hostesses are now standing*
Monica: Hey now! Did ya'll see them pictures of Malik? I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious! Flirtatious tryin' to show patience! I was lookin' for the right time to flash them keys, you know, and.whatever. Hey, Malik, we should hook up. You got the body, I got the mind-oh yeah!
Malik: ^_^ She wants me!
Yami Malik: (licking Sennen Rod) Very...Hot...
Monica: O.O Uh...just keep yo' Yami away and we'll be fine.
Mokuba: Things are really starting to heat up around here Monica! Like you said, it's getting hot in here!
Monica: So take off all yo' clothes!
Laura: Actually, we'll do you one better. Here to perform his not-so-new single, here's Nelly and the Saint Lunatics, with "Air Force Ones"!
*music starts. Host/hostesses exit, cameraman focuses center stage*
****Back Stage****
Laura: What horror have we unleashed upon mankind?
Monica: Whatchu mean, Nelly?
Laura: No, you! How can you just shamelessly hit on Malik like that?! That's...just disgusting! I'm going to go change!
Monica: Yeah. You do that. I said gimme two pair, cuz! I need two pair, so I can get to stompin' in my Air Force Ones! Big Boys, stompin' in my Air Force Ones!
Mokuba: Monica, I'm gonna go change too!
Monica: Actually baby, I need you to do me a favor. See, I'm trying to hook up with that fine, FINE brotha of yours lookin' like SHAFT and er'thang.
Mokuba: ^_^ Say no more! I know just the thing that'll do it.
Monica: Good lookin' out! Oh yeah!
****In Audience****
Seto: (slides down in chair) This...is too...horrible...
Malik: (sits down in seat) You know, Monica's really hot.
Seto: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, she's scorching. On fire baby.
Yami Malik: (still licking dagger/rod) Sexy...(does primal wolf call)
Seto: O.O That was just creepy.
****Onstage****
*Nelly finishes his performance and exits with the St. Lunatics. Monica, Mokuba, and Laura enter, dressed in matching Los Angeles Lakers outfits: the girls in jersey dresses and Timberland heels, and Mokuba in a jersey, baggy Fubu jeans and Air Force Ones. Around his neck he wears a purple bandana. They approach the podium.*
Monica: Aw Mokuba, lookit'cha! You look so cute-aw, ain't you sweet? Who's your favorite Lakers player?
Mokuba: (proudly) Kobe Bryant! He da man!
Laura: Well I personally like that Yao Ming fellow from the Rockets. (slightly embarrassed) He's rather cute.
Monica: Oh yeah, he fine. Hey, I like Kobe and er'thang, love the Wizards- you know, go Michael-and the Rockets are like numba one in my heart or whatever, but I gotta give my all time ghetto props to Steve Blake.
Mokuba: ...Who's Steve Blake?
Monica: He actually a Maryland Terrapin playa from college. He real good- white dude, got game, great at passin', assists, teamwork. I hear he goin' to the NBA, so we'll be lookin' out for him won't we Mokuba?
Mokuba: ^_^ Sure! As long as something I say later on deserves an Arbor Mist!
Monica: Now you know it will baby. We gone take this show to commercial break, but when we come back, we'll have more awards, and more bad performances hopefully with more bloodshed right after this.
Audience: *claps politely*
MV: There's more mayhem to come on the very first Millenium Awards with your hosts Monica, Laura Croft and Mokuba!
Laura: (testily) That's HOSTESSES!!
****Commercial Break****
(at the tryouts for Snuggle)
Director: Next!
Malik: (walks on to the screen, grinning like a psychopath) I'm snuggly soft, but I can do a lot of other things too. Like this: (throws Sennen dagger at the camera man, which lands directly in the middle of his forehead) Now that's talent!
Director: O.O We'll...call you...Next!
Bakura: (walks onto screen) I just wanted to publicly declare death on all who do not use Snuggle. It keeps your fabric soft; and honestly, who wants to take over the world if your clothes are chaffing you?
Malik: Amen!
Director: O.O This is supposed to be tryouts for Snuggle...you're well aware of that right?
Bakura: (completely ignoring the director) Not that you'll live if you use Snuggle.
Malik: (nods head) We just want to make sure you die in soft clothing. So you'll be comfy.
Director: O_O Um.we'll call you.
Snuggle: (in annoyingly cute voice) What's going on here?
Bakura: (as an automatic reaction to Snuggle's voice, he shoots him in the head)
Snuggle: X_X
Bakura:...Oh well.
****End Commercial****
(Goldfish swimming across screen, cheesy music plays in background)
Tristan: (singing) Did you know they're made with real cheese, even though they look like fishies?
Yami: (singing) The snack that smiles back, Goldfish!
Yami Malik: (comes out of no where and eats Goldfish, then starts eating the camera and crew)
****End Commercial Break****
****
Lady Sephiroth: Don't worry. We won't be gone for long. We shall be back.
Griffin: ^_^ It's nice that Malik won a Deathtime Achievement Award. He really deserved it.
Lady Sephiroth: There will be more achievement awards you know, right after this brief chapter break. And hey, thanks for doing that thing you do!
Dimitri: (in his oh so ever adorable voice) Thank you for that cameo appearance.
Lady Sephiroth: No problem. You know you're my favorite, baby!
Griffin: -.- You just said that to Lookit not five minutes ago.
Lookit: No she didn't, lookit.
Griffin: Liar.
Lookit: XD Lookit! I'd like to thank the following for reviewing: Sen Taro Taisensei, who supposedly is one of the coolest people ever lookit.
Griffin: ^_^ And you're always welcome in commercials and anywhere else Sen- chan!
Lookit: Also thank you seirei queen of darkness, lynx wings, malik's gurl, and Sentine, who's laziness astouneded her, Lookit. Oh, and thank you India, thank you disillusionment, thank you nothingness, thank you clarity, and thank you thank you silence! Lookit!
Griffin: -.- Thank you Alanis Lookit. Flames will be laughed at, possibly retorted, and forgotten. Email any questions to me if you wish. Thanks loyal reviewers!
Lookit: I don't own that song Lookit! I disclaim!
Malik: *Holds up sign that reads "WILL PREFORM FAVORS FOR FREEDOM"* (whispering) It's true.
*Bakura walks onto screen, eyeing priceless jewelry in the window of a store that's closed. He looks around to see if anyone's coming.*
We all do dumb things.
*Bakura breaks the window, automatically setting off numerous alarms. He snatches the jewelry and turns to run, only to find several 6 feet tall guards.*
Bakura: O.O
*the guards beat Bakura mercilessly, handcuffing him afterwards.*
Bakura: I plead insanity!!
Paying too much for car insurance doesn't have to be one of them. Call 1- 800-GEICO. Fifteen minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Geico.
****End Commercial****
Yami: One morning, I woke up to greet my friends.
Bakura: Yami, you're fat.
Malik: It's true. You're overweight You've got love handles. And saddle bags under your eyes.
Bakura:...He's right! For the longest time, I thought you were a bellhop with all those bags!
Malik: You've got a beer gut too.
Yami:...But I don't drink beer.
Malik:...So?
Bakura: Yeah, so?
Yami: I knew I had to do something. So I picked up the phone. And I called Jenny Craig.
*several weeks later*
Yami: I lost 93 pounds on the Jenny Craig program, and I feel great.
Bakura: *tears in eyes from laughing* He only weighed 94!!! If I sat on him, I'd break him in half!!
Malik: *also crying from laughing* No, wait! I've got an idea! Hey Yami!
Yami: *turns around* Yes?
Malik: You're fat! You look like a grandma! Not very fitting of a Pharaoh!
Bakura: Not much of anything fits him now...his clothes...his shoes...his ego...*snorts*
Malik: His hair weighs more than his whole body...meaning his head is empty.
Yami: *walks off* I'll just lose more weight!
Bakura:...If he loses anymore he'll disappear.
Malik:...Who's complaining? I'm not.
Bakura:...He'll be nothing but a pile of bones.
Malik:...True. But like I said, who cares.
*in a sing-song voice* 1-800-97-Jenny!
****End Commercial****
Yugi: *in the middle of Madison Square Garden, holding up gigantic sign* Save Avril! Don't let her death be in vain!!
Yami: Yugi, you can't save her. She's dead.
Bakura: *sipping martini glass full of Beaujolais-Villages Jean-Marc Aujoux wine casually, with his hand in his pocket. He's wearing a black tuxedo with only two buttons of his shirt fastened, and his bow tie is hanging around his neck, untied.* Will you shut up Motou? I could give less than a (omitted) about your loser Snapple.
Yugi: But, we can bring her back! We're trying to get enough money to pay Kaiba for the use of his realistic duel system! Then we can use Monster Reborn!
Yami:...For what?
Yugi: To save Avril!!
Yami:...She's a duel monster?
Yugi: No, but the effects will be the same!
Bakura: *still sipping* She's a monster alright, but I don't think you could duel with her.
Yami:...I think she's a duel monster.
Yugi: No she's not-
Yami: *snatches the mike from Yugi* I have reason to believe Avril was a duel monster. One of a kind.
Yugi: She meant more to me than anything! Please fund our research!
Yami Kajita: (from audience) Who cares?!
Dimitri: (also in audience; with his annoyingly cute voice) Yeah Anvil sucked!
Yugi: It's Avril!
Yami Kajita: He's right! Anvil is what killed Brittany Spears! It was brilliant!
Dimitri: ^.^ Tell it like it is sister!
Yugi: Bakura, could you help?
Bakura: I wouldn't fund this if Monica was dancing naked on a piano wearing absolutely nothing but a Playboy Bunny bow tie. TM.
Yami: Preach it.
Ryou: Don't give up Yugi! Someone out there agrees with you.
Yugi: You're right! I'll always have you and Teà and Tristan to back me up!
Ryou:...Nah, I'll think I'll sit this one out.
Yugi: WHAT?!
Ryou: (calmly) People die everyday. I certainly can't help you. What's done is done. Here have a cookie. Yugi: *takes cookie, throws it into audience* That's for you, Avril! And so is this! *jumps off of the stage, hoping to be caught, but only winds up tasting cement, landing flat on his face.*
Bakura: *still sipping drink* And if you'll turn to your right, you'll see this nice fresh personal pan pizza...which is in the shape of a midget. TM.
Yami: What's TM?
Bakura: Trade mark.
Yami: No, I mean what's trade mark.
Bakura: My midget crack on Yugi.
****End Commercial Break****
Laura: (cheesy smile plastered on her face) Welcome back!
Monica: Yeah, they got that blood off the floor finally. I hope the guy that slipped in it and broke his spine isn't like *dead* or anything. That'd be a mess to clean up.
Mokuba: Not really. They'd just toss him in a big trash bag and burn it.
Audience: *laughs*
Mokuba: ...That wasn't supposed to be funny.
Monica: Yeah, uh...I don't think they care.
Laura: We've come to our first big event of the evening, the presentation of the very first Osiris Deathtime Achievement Award.
Monica: Deathtime achievement? That sound kind of final right there.
Mokuba: O.O
Laura: Yes, well, to tell us about this award is our very special, very honored guest, everyone's favorite owner of the Sennen Tauk, Ishtar Isis. And to help her at this glorious moment in her life, Shadi.
Monica: ^_^ Oh yeah, he fine!
*host/hostesses exit, presenters enter. Giant screen lowers behind them.*
Isis: (in her ever creepy voice) You know, Deathtime Achievement is much better than Lifetime Achievement. The Osiris Deathtime Achievement Award is bestowed upon by mere mortals through the grace of the gods, as a promise that what they've done will be remembered in the Afterlife, and may very well tip the Sennen Scale in their favor, when weighed against the Feather of Truth.
Shadi:...Not really. It's just a gold statue in the shape of the Sphinx-as if that represents greatness or something.
Isis: ...It does.
Shadi: ...Not really. Anyway, it's particularly ugly, as is the very first acceptor of this award, Ishtar Malik.
****In audience****
Malik: (obviously shocked) Me?! Ugly.!!?? AS IF!!!
****Onstage****
*pictures of Malik's life flash across the screen as the two presenters narrate*
Isis: Malik was always a special child. He did after all murder our father.
*Picture of Malik covered in blood flashes across screen*
Malik: (in audience) ACK!! Bringing back.painful memories.!!
Shadi: And he used the Millennium Rod to take over the minds of various slaves and form the ever creepy and present Rare Hunters.
*crickets chirp*
Shadi:...Why does that keep happening every time someone says Rare Hunters?
*cricket chirps*
Yami Kajita: (shouting from the distance) Because they're not important! And they suck! Like Teà!
Teà: HEY!
Shadi: Good point.
Isis: But particularly this award is being given for a very unique trait of my brother's. More specifically...the Memory.
*A hushed whisper falls over the audience as a picture of the Memory is shown on the screen behind them.*
Malik: (clutches chest) Memories...threatening...to...overwhelm...me!
Isis: Malik, you've been chosen by the gods to receive this award because of your Memory. The entire Yu-gi-ou series is focused around the contents of what our father carved in your back. However painful it may have been, you're a very important character, for without you, there would be no Yu-gi- ou.
Shadi: ...Believe what you want. And now, for no particular reason, the Mysterious Voice will narrate Malik's life and show some stupid pictures of when he was a kid up until now.
MV: Malik is very hot. His entire childhood he lived underground. This did not stop him from being hot-only added to it.
*Screen shows picture of Malik with his shirt off sweating in the Sahara sun, drinking a bottled water.*
Girls in Audience: *cheer wildly*
Tea: *mouth agape* Malik, when did you get to be shaped like that?!
Malik: That was like a year ago, I was modeling to keep money coming in so that I could take over the world. Those are Guess? Jeans, by the way- another shameless promotion.
Bakura: You don't say. Guess?
Malik: TM.
MV: After a crazed encounter with his father through his Yami, Malik abruptly killed him.
*Picture of Malik standing with his back partially exposed through a shower curtain, hair and skin dripping wet.*
Girls in Audience: *wolf calls*
Malik: ^_^ That was when I was doing Irish Springs-the fresh scent of Malik! TM.
MV: After obtaining the Sennen Rod, Malik's greatest dream was to gather all 3 god cards and take over the world, proclaiming himself Pharaoh over Yami.
*Picture of Malik leaning against his bike, shirt open, blowing in the wind, hair slightly mussed, tight jeans open to reveal snug fitting boxers.*
Malik: Hey, that's one of my International Male pictures! TM.
Seto: These are nothing but shameless self promotions of your products and uses as a model.
Malik: It's about time I got some exposure!
MV: Originally, Malik possessed two of the three god cards-Ra and Sliffer.
*Picture of Malik pops up leaning up against Sliffer, who is curled up in a tight dragon pose, holding up the Ra card towards the camera in nothing but baggy jeans and K Swiss.*
Malik: Oh wow! That's one of my best pictures!
Bakura: I'll say! You've really been working out!
Malik: (sheepishly) Well, I try. It's kind of hard to keep your stomach this flat, but I know how to make sacrifices.
MV: But he gave them both over to Yami for safekeeping, after his spirit was supposedly banished to the Shadow Realm.
Yami Malik: Will...kill...Yami...(laughs maniacally)
Ryou: I think he's really holding a grudge against you Yami.
Yami: (shrugs)
Yugi: (is now quite sober because of Kool-Aid/vodka drink) Is it just me, or is Malik really hot?
All: O.O
Yugi: If I were a girl, I'd definitely date him! He could have my panties anytime!
Malik:...You wear panties?
Joey: O.O You're a girl!?
MV: Today Malik can be seen modeling for various fashion companies, and hopes to one day still proclaim himself King of Egypt. Until that time, he'll submit to Yami.
Malik: Untrue!
Yami Malik: (angrily) A damnable lie!
Shadi: ...That was just pointless. Alright Malik, come up here and get your stupid award.
Audience: *claps, girls whistle wildly*
*Malik approaches the podium*
Malik: (snatches award from Shadi, smiles at Isis) Thank you so very much! I have just one thing to say on such a very special occasion: Shadi is bald! (knocks turban off of Shadi's head, revealing bald globe) That's for calling me ugly. (laughs, walks off stage)
Audience: *laughs as Shadi collects his hat and stomps off stage*
Isis: We'll be back after a word from our sponser.
****Commercial Break****
(Yami Malik's eyes are pasted against a sign in a zoo that reads: "Do NOT feed the animals." He looks around to see if anyone's coming.)
We all do dumb things.
(Yami Malik snatches Seto Lover and throws them over the railing into the pit below, which happens to be the lion's den.)
Seto Lover: AH!!!
Yami Malik: (laughing maniacally) (to guards) You'll never take me alive!!!! (bends over and moons the guards shamelessly and starts running like hell)
Flaming Griffin of Malik and Lady Sephiroth doesn't have to be one of them. Although this has nothing to do with our insurance. Call 1-800-GEICO. A fifteen minute call could save you 15% or more on car insurance. Geico.
****End Commercial****
Bakura: Hi, I'm Bakura.
Ryou: And I'm Ryou.
Bakura: (obviously angry) We're here to do the public a favor by telling you about this limousine service. It will take you anywhere you want-within the whole city block-for a very nice price.
Ryou: -_- It's $$1,000,000,000,000.94 per person. How is that nice?
Bakura: For the limousine driver. That means he can get one billion double dollars to take someone down the street. He'll never have to work again. Unless he's greedy.
Ryou: You mean like you? We're supposed to warn these people Bakura.
Bakura: Really. Well isn't that something.
Ryou: They could be disguised as any car company, and they hold people against their will if you don't pay them.
Bakura: And ultimately, if you don't pay them, they'll take it out of your (omitted).
Ryou: O.O Don't tell people that!
Bakura: I don't see why not. (pulls out bottle of 1993 Sutter Home White Zinfandel and drinks straight from the bottle, but amazingly doesn't look like an alcoholic)
Ryou:...I think you're an alcoholic. Every time I see you, you're drinking. And it's always old. What is that?
Bakura:...Hear that? It's the sound of no one caring about your stupid questions.
Ryou: -.-...*whimpers slightly* How can you be so mean??
Bakura:...Quite carefully, I would hope.
Ryou: O.O Please be careful of the limousines you choose to ride in.
****End Commercial****
Mokuba: (obviously on a sugar high, singing) Yuugi Motou, where are you, the Pharaoh's calling me!
Ryou: (also on a sugar high, singing) Solve the puzzle, transformate into the Duel King and teach me...Yami Yuugi!
Mokuba: Summoning and defending-
Ryou: Come on let's go!!
Mokuba: -Face down, flip affect, fusion is the final key!
Malik: (flatly, showing no emotion) Exodia the Forbidden One e-e-e-entered my possession now the d-d-d-d-duel is done.
All: O.O
Malik: What are you staring at???
Bakura: (not even singing, just talking, and sipping on Haig & Haig whiskey) Yo, Weevil, don't you understand? It's not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.
All except Malik: O.O
Yami: I'm the master of the duel, it's been a pleasure to beat you-
Ryou: Come on let's go!!
Bakura: The faggotronics ensues. I've paid my debt to society.
All except Malik and Bakura: (still singing in background)
Teà: (cheesily) Music Inspired by the Yu-Gi-Ou: Music To Duel By Soundtrack. Come pick up your copy today!
****End Commercial Break****
*Camera focuses on podium, where host/hostesses are now standing*
Monica: Hey now! Did ya'll see them pictures of Malik? I was like, good gracious, ass is bodacious! Flirtatious tryin' to show patience! I was lookin' for the right time to flash them keys, you know, and.whatever. Hey, Malik, we should hook up. You got the body, I got the mind-oh yeah!
Malik: ^_^ She wants me!
Yami Malik: (licking Sennen Rod) Very...Hot...
Monica: O.O Uh...just keep yo' Yami away and we'll be fine.
Mokuba: Things are really starting to heat up around here Monica! Like you said, it's getting hot in here!
Monica: So take off all yo' clothes!
Laura: Actually, we'll do you one better. Here to perform his not-so-new single, here's Nelly and the Saint Lunatics, with "Air Force Ones"!
*music starts. Host/hostesses exit, cameraman focuses center stage*
****Back Stage****
Laura: What horror have we unleashed upon mankind?
Monica: Whatchu mean, Nelly?
Laura: No, you! How can you just shamelessly hit on Malik like that?! That's...just disgusting! I'm going to go change!
Monica: Yeah. You do that. I said gimme two pair, cuz! I need two pair, so I can get to stompin' in my Air Force Ones! Big Boys, stompin' in my Air Force Ones!
Mokuba: Monica, I'm gonna go change too!
Monica: Actually baby, I need you to do me a favor. See, I'm trying to hook up with that fine, FINE brotha of yours lookin' like SHAFT and er'thang.
Mokuba: ^_^ Say no more! I know just the thing that'll do it.
Monica: Good lookin' out! Oh yeah!
****In Audience****
Seto: (slides down in chair) This...is too...horrible...
Malik: (sits down in seat) You know, Monica's really hot.
Seto: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, she's scorching. On fire baby.
Yami Malik: (still licking dagger/rod) Sexy...(does primal wolf call)
Seto: O.O That was just creepy.
****Onstage****
*Nelly finishes his performance and exits with the St. Lunatics. Monica, Mokuba, and Laura enter, dressed in matching Los Angeles Lakers outfits: the girls in jersey dresses and Timberland heels, and Mokuba in a jersey, baggy Fubu jeans and Air Force Ones. Around his neck he wears a purple bandana. They approach the podium.*
Monica: Aw Mokuba, lookit'cha! You look so cute-aw, ain't you sweet? Who's your favorite Lakers player?
Mokuba: (proudly) Kobe Bryant! He da man!
Laura: Well I personally like that Yao Ming fellow from the Rockets. (slightly embarrassed) He's rather cute.
Monica: Oh yeah, he fine. Hey, I like Kobe and er'thang, love the Wizards- you know, go Michael-and the Rockets are like numba one in my heart or whatever, but I gotta give my all time ghetto props to Steve Blake.
Mokuba: ...Who's Steve Blake?
Monica: He actually a Maryland Terrapin playa from college. He real good- white dude, got game, great at passin', assists, teamwork. I hear he goin' to the NBA, so we'll be lookin' out for him won't we Mokuba?
Mokuba: ^_^ Sure! As long as something I say later on deserves an Arbor Mist!
Monica: Now you know it will baby. We gone take this show to commercial break, but when we come back, we'll have more awards, and more bad performances hopefully with more bloodshed right after this.
Audience: *claps politely*
MV: There's more mayhem to come on the very first Millenium Awards with your hosts Monica, Laura Croft and Mokuba!
Laura: (testily) That's HOSTESSES!!
****Commercial Break****
(at the tryouts for Snuggle)
Director: Next!
Malik: (walks on to the screen, grinning like a psychopath) I'm snuggly soft, but I can do a lot of other things too. Like this: (throws Sennen dagger at the camera man, which lands directly in the middle of his forehead) Now that's talent!
Director: O.O We'll...call you...Next!
Bakura: (walks onto screen) I just wanted to publicly declare death on all who do not use Snuggle. It keeps your fabric soft; and honestly, who wants to take over the world if your clothes are chaffing you?
Malik: Amen!
Director: O.O This is supposed to be tryouts for Snuggle...you're well aware of that right?
Bakura: (completely ignoring the director) Not that you'll live if you use Snuggle.
Malik: (nods head) We just want to make sure you die in soft clothing. So you'll be comfy.
Director: O_O Um.we'll call you.
Snuggle: (in annoyingly cute voice) What's going on here?
Bakura: (as an automatic reaction to Snuggle's voice, he shoots him in the head)
Snuggle: X_X
Bakura:...Oh well.
****End Commercial****
(Goldfish swimming across screen, cheesy music plays in background)
Tristan: (singing) Did you know they're made with real cheese, even though they look like fishies?
Yami: (singing) The snack that smiles back, Goldfish!
Yami Malik: (comes out of no where and eats Goldfish, then starts eating the camera and crew)
****End Commercial Break****
****
Lady Sephiroth: Don't worry. We won't be gone for long. We shall be back.
Griffin: ^_^ It's nice that Malik won a Deathtime Achievement Award. He really deserved it.
Lady Sephiroth: There will be more achievement awards you know, right after this brief chapter break. And hey, thanks for doing that thing you do!
Dimitri: (in his oh so ever adorable voice) Thank you for that cameo appearance.
Lady Sephiroth: No problem. You know you're my favorite, baby!
Griffin: -.- You just said that to Lookit not five minutes ago.
Lookit: No she didn't, lookit.
Griffin: Liar.
Lookit: XD Lookit! I'd like to thank the following for reviewing: Sen Taro Taisensei, who supposedly is one of the coolest people ever lookit.
Griffin: ^_^ And you're always welcome in commercials and anywhere else Sen- chan!
Lookit: Also thank you seirei queen of darkness, lynx wings, malik's gurl, and Sentine, who's laziness astouneded her, Lookit. Oh, and thank you India, thank you disillusionment, thank you nothingness, thank you clarity, and thank you thank you silence! Lookit!
Griffin: -.- Thank you Alanis Lookit. Flames will be laughed at, possibly retorted, and forgotten. Email any questions to me if you wish. Thanks loyal reviewers!
Lookit: I don't own that song Lookit! I disclaim!
Malik: *Holds up sign that reads "WILL PREFORM FAVORS FOR FREEDOM"* (whispering) It's true.