****
FRIDAY
Got to spend a little time with Shalimar today. Adam's concoction, combined with more than a full day of mostly uninterrupted sleep, seems to have finally done the trick and, although she's drained by the whole thing, we know her natural recuperative powers will have her up and around in no time. Physically, anyway. Emotionally, I think it's going to take a lot more than her mutated genes or a bunch of chemicals to sort her out.
It seems to me she lost a little bit of her soul when she had to kill Michael to save Adam – and to ultimately save the man from what he'd become. I could see it in her eyes, feel it in the way she pulled back from my hug so quickly, hear it in her voice as she pled fatigue to get out of talking about anything more consequential than what she fancied for supper. It's hurting her more than the aching muscles and slowly healing claw-marks – more even than the knowledge of how close she came to ending up a victim of her own feral DNA.
Emma was right again when she said that we'll never know what our mutations leave us open to, though. I had my own brush with it with the whole Gaumont thing, and now Shal. But we were both lucky – it only really made us a danger to ourselves, and we came through the other side without lasting damage to us or anyone else. But I dread to think about the consequences of Brennan or Emma losing control of their powers, the unintentional havoc they could wreak before Adam worked out a way to fix them. Providing he even could. Like he said on the Helix, he was flying blind on this one, no idea if the antidote he'd worked up was going to work until he tried it out for real. And he needed a guinea pig for that.
Shalimar. This time.
Who next?
At least Adam's learning from the experience, which has to be a positive, but even that's got me wondering. I never thought about it before, seeing his focus on building a team comprising a member from each of the four main mutancy groups as just his way of ensuring the strongest possible force to stand up for the rights of those he was instrumental in creating. But now... all this talk of needing guinea pigs, test subjects... I mean, is that what we are? How he sees us? All of us? Nothing more than lab rats he can study in his efforts to prepare for a New Mutant future that none of us can foresee?
He knows far more than he's saying, that's for sure. Thinking back over the weeks to when our powers went into overdrive, it's only now that I realise he was the only one of us that really wasn't surprised that it was happening. And I think I understand why he was so devastated by Nathaniel's death – he'd been expecting something like this mutant-specific virus to rear its ugly head, and was hoping he'd be better prepared for it. But it looks like he's just playing it by ear, like the rest of us, so could be he doesn't know as much as I'm maybe imagining.
Listen to me - I'm beginning to sound like some sort of conspiracy theorist. He's probably just trying to protect us, like he always does – and, whether we want it or not, I should respect that rather than resent it.
Shouldn't I?
Whatever... it goes without saying, really, how glad I am that we got Shalimar through this one. Well, maybe not totally without saying. I wanted to tell her – tried to, several times. But somehow there was never the right moment, what with Adam or Brennan flitting in and out the room, asking her how she felt, what she remembered. There were a few things I wanted to ask her about myself, but I could see she wasn't ready to do much answering – she can be real evasive when she wants.
There's one question I'll probably never ask her, though, even when she's back firing on all cylinders again. Did she know the difference between the two guns lying there on the ground; Adam's, loaded with the anti-virus, and the other one – Holt's, as I found out after – the one packing the lethal punch? And if so, was Michael's pain just too much for her to bear, his threat to Adam enough to break through the bond she'd developed with him? Or had that bond told her that he'd already gone too far for there to be a chance of redemption? Was that what made her give in to his demand – no, his plea, that she kill him?
I guess we'll never know – not unless she feels like telling us of her own accord. And I can't see that happening. At least, not for a while.
Oh, she's trying to convince us already that she's hunky-dory, but she's not out of the woods yet – and yes, the pun is intentional because I have a feeling a part of her will always be out there. The hard bit will be dealing with the legacy of what she so nearly became, what she shared with that lost but oh so kindred spirit. And while the virus has cleared her system, there's no guarantee it won't be back in one form or another in the future.
But then, as Adam said, there are no guarantees in life – not for anyone, and certainly not for us.
****
FRIDAY
Got to spend a little time with Shalimar today. Adam's concoction, combined with more than a full day of mostly uninterrupted sleep, seems to have finally done the trick and, although she's drained by the whole thing, we know her natural recuperative powers will have her up and around in no time. Physically, anyway. Emotionally, I think it's going to take a lot more than her mutated genes or a bunch of chemicals to sort her out.
It seems to me she lost a little bit of her soul when she had to kill Michael to save Adam – and to ultimately save the man from what he'd become. I could see it in her eyes, feel it in the way she pulled back from my hug so quickly, hear it in her voice as she pled fatigue to get out of talking about anything more consequential than what she fancied for supper. It's hurting her more than the aching muscles and slowly healing claw-marks – more even than the knowledge of how close she came to ending up a victim of her own feral DNA.
Emma was right again when she said that we'll never know what our mutations leave us open to, though. I had my own brush with it with the whole Gaumont thing, and now Shal. But we were both lucky – it only really made us a danger to ourselves, and we came through the other side without lasting damage to us or anyone else. But I dread to think about the consequences of Brennan or Emma losing control of their powers, the unintentional havoc they could wreak before Adam worked out a way to fix them. Providing he even could. Like he said on the Helix, he was flying blind on this one, no idea if the antidote he'd worked up was going to work until he tried it out for real. And he needed a guinea pig for that.
Shalimar. This time.
Who next?
At least Adam's learning from the experience, which has to be a positive, but even that's got me wondering. I never thought about it before, seeing his focus on building a team comprising a member from each of the four main mutancy groups as just his way of ensuring the strongest possible force to stand up for the rights of those he was instrumental in creating. But now... all this talk of needing guinea pigs, test subjects... I mean, is that what we are? How he sees us? All of us? Nothing more than lab rats he can study in his efforts to prepare for a New Mutant future that none of us can foresee?
He knows far more than he's saying, that's for sure. Thinking back over the weeks to when our powers went into overdrive, it's only now that I realise he was the only one of us that really wasn't surprised that it was happening. And I think I understand why he was so devastated by Nathaniel's death – he'd been expecting something like this mutant-specific virus to rear its ugly head, and was hoping he'd be better prepared for it. But it looks like he's just playing it by ear, like the rest of us, so could be he doesn't know as much as I'm maybe imagining.
Listen to me - I'm beginning to sound like some sort of conspiracy theorist. He's probably just trying to protect us, like he always does – and, whether we want it or not, I should respect that rather than resent it.
Shouldn't I?
Whatever... it goes without saying, really, how glad I am that we got Shalimar through this one. Well, maybe not totally without saying. I wanted to tell her – tried to, several times. But somehow there was never the right moment, what with Adam or Brennan flitting in and out the room, asking her how she felt, what she remembered. There were a few things I wanted to ask her about myself, but I could see she wasn't ready to do much answering – she can be real evasive when she wants.
There's one question I'll probably never ask her, though, even when she's back firing on all cylinders again. Did she know the difference between the two guns lying there on the ground; Adam's, loaded with the anti-virus, and the other one – Holt's, as I found out after – the one packing the lethal punch? And if so, was Michael's pain just too much for her to bear, his threat to Adam enough to break through the bond she'd developed with him? Or had that bond told her that he'd already gone too far for there to be a chance of redemption? Was that what made her give in to his demand – no, his plea, that she kill him?
I guess we'll never know – not unless she feels like telling us of her own accord. And I can't see that happening. At least, not for a while.
Oh, she's trying to convince us already that she's hunky-dory, but she's not out of the woods yet – and yes, the pun is intentional because I have a feeling a part of her will always be out there. The hard bit will be dealing with the legacy of what she so nearly became, what she shared with that lost but oh so kindred spirit. And while the virus has cleared her system, there's no guarantee it won't be back in one form or another in the future.
But then, as Adam said, there are no guarantees in life – not for anyone, and certainly not for us.
****