Turn Around, It's Different

Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls. If I did…well, I won't go into that. It would take too long. But Jess wouldn't be staying in CA. lol.

A/N: This is sort of an AU fic; it's probably gonna be just a one chapter thing, and it's sort of a songfic.  The song's supposed to be in bold italics, sorry if it doesn't work! FYI, the song is something I wrote—it's partly based on Rory and Jess, partly on a fight I had with one of my best friends. It's Rory's POV. Rory broke up with Dean. She and Jess were good friends before, and they kind of had a fight about Dean, but Rory still cares about Jess…please review and tell me what you think!  ~Arianna

It was so hard. I did it because I had to do it. I didn't love Dean anymore. I had to be honest with myself. But I saw the hurt in his eyes. It hurt me too. I just…have to concentrate on knowing I've made the right decision. My mom doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how I could not love Dean.

I told him we were just so different now…it was true. But it wasn't all. I know it wasn't all. Part of it was the person I talked to about books, the person I've been…okay, I admit it. Who I've been watching at a distance. Who's been staying at a distance. I need someone to understand, and it hurts. Is he avoiding me?

Can you help me get back up Can you catch me when I fall

Can you tell me that it's gonna be okay?

Can you reach out

And dry my tears

And hold me close

And stop my fears

I wish you could

You can't from far away.

I can't figure it out. I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, but I thought he liked me.  If I really think about the truth…I've liked him for so long. I was scared to admit it. I, the perfect Rory Gilmore, was scared to hurt Dean. He was my first boyfriend. The first person I loved, like that.

But eventually I realized that lying was worse than telling truth that might hurt. At least, it was in this case. I should know that. After all, I want to be a journalist.

I think Jess sees—I thought Jess saw beyond the "perfect" Rory. Because that's not all I am. I don't think it's all I want to be. It's hard, it's so hard. I was hurting myself and I thought I was hurting Jess too. But no one else would ever guess it now.

Why are you scared to come closer? Is it just that you're scared of me? Is it that you're scared I'll break your heart? Why are you scared to come closer? When you look at me what do you see? Or is it that loving me's the scary part?

Before…Dean was my boyfriend. I knew he didn't really want me hanging around other guys. But I still went to the diner. And Jess would come by, take my order, ask me what I was reading. And I would grin, and answer, and ask him the same question.

That doesn't happen anymore. Now he'll just clean the counter as quickly as possible and disappear upstairs. He has to have heard that I'm broken up with Dean. News travels so fast in Stars Hollow…and he'd be listening. I wonder…did I do something? Did I hurt him? Did I…wait too long? Maybe he's stopped caring about me. I hate to think this, but maybe he never did. I was so sure, though…

Why isn't it the same? I can't think of any reason. I thought we were getting closer! I think I was—I think I still am the only person who came close to really knowing him. I think in some ways he knew me better than Dean did. I'll never hate Dean, but he didn't defend Hemingway. I never argued with him about Ayn Rand.

I need someone to be there Do you want it to be you? I thought that you could do it Was I wrong? Can't you tell me if you care Can't you see I'm getting scared Come on, please come over

It's been so long.

I did see the way Jess looked at me. I knew he liked me. I really, honestly thought he did. He could be a jerk to people when he wanted to be. But he never acted that way toward me. I didn't get mad at him for stealing Babette's gnome and the "Save the Bridge" money. When I was mad, he only had to fix a toaster to get me to think he was a good guy again.

I liked him too. A lot. I didn't want to admit it because I was scared of doing the wrong thing. Too scared of doing the wrong thing to do what was right. I think I've gotten over that now…so I can admit that I want Jess to come over and talk to me and maybe…

Why are you scared to come closer? Do you like me or do you not? Did you mean everything you ever said? Why are you scared to come closer? I really do miss you a lot Was your affection something in my head?

I know I haven't known him that long, but I always…felt like I could talk to him. I want him to feel the same way! Doesn't he know that I do like him, and I do care about him, and I…do want to be with him? That when I see him moving behind the counter to avoid me I feel like crying? That I want to tell him how much I like him, and that I'm sorry I didn't break up with Dean earlier, and that he was a great friend, and that I just want him to tell me how he feels? I really do. Even if he doesn't like me.

I thought it would take a lot to ruin the friendship we have—had. God, I hate having to say that. I thought breaking up with my boyfriend would be least likely to do it. I thought Jess would at least be there for me to talk to.

I want you close all the time When I laugh and when I cry You're the one I talk to

And I tell you everything.

Don't you know how much I care

I don't want you to leave

I thought we were friends forever

If you left would you remember me?

[next day, so present tense]

I have to do something. I just can't live like this. It's hard, and it's hurting.

I go into the diner. My mom's at the Inn. It's busy; I sit at the counter, looking around nervously, wondering where Luke is. I hear footsteps on the stairs; see a shadow behind the door to Luke's apartment. And I know who it is.

The door opens, and Jess walks out. He takes a few plates from Caesar, sets them down. Then he comes back behind the counter, sees me, and freezes. I look at my hands, unable to face him right now. But he doesn't leave.

I don't look up at him, but I don't leave, either. And I think. Maybe…maybe Jess was avoiding me because he was scared. Maybe because he wanted to be sure I liked him. Maybe he wanted to give me time to get over Dean.

Concentrating on this, I look up slightly. Jess has moved to the back counter and is trying, once again, to fix the toaster. But I am glad he hasn't gone upstairs. I see him, occasionally, ever so slightly glancing at me, and I try to get up the courage to talk to him, to ask him what he's reading, whatever. I think Jess can tell what I'm thinking. He comes back over to start cleaning the tables again.

"Hey," he says quietly.

I smile. "Hey, Jess." I don't know exactly what's happening, or why he said this now, but I'm glad. I really have missed him.

Why are you scared to come closer?

I see you start turning around

It's what I've always hoped for, all along

Why were you scared to come closer?

When I see you my feet leave the ground

I scream and laugh, my tears turn to a song.

"Rory…" he begins.

"Jess—can I talk to you?" I ask.

"Sure," he answers. I follow him up to the apartment. Luke isn't there. I stand, uncomfortably, across from him.

"Jess…" He looks at me, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way I do.

"So…are you okay?" he says at last.

I shrug. "Yeah."

"I mean…"

"I know. Jess—it was me, I broke up with him. It just…" I look right at Jess. "It wasn't right. I should have done it before but I couldn't—"

"I understand," Jess interrupts.

"No—"

"Look, Rory. I should have talked to you. I…just kinda disappeared."

"I know…it's okay."

"No, it's not. I know you better than that!"

"Yeah…but I think I understand," I say.

"Honestly. I wanted to be there for you."

"Jess…I just missed being your friend. I didn't want you to hate me…I couldn't understand why you did."

"I never did!" Jess replies, fiercely. "I just didn't want to hurt you. And I didn't want to get hurt."

"I know."

"Rory…"

"It's okay, Jess," I tell him. And mostly, it is.

"I missed being your friend, too," he tells me. Now I smile for real. It's so good to hear Jess say that. I think maybe I see tears in his eyes. And there are tears in mine.

"What are you reading?" I ask, still smiling.

You finally believed me

Came back here and then you cried

I held you close

Don't want to let you go.

You tell me that you missed me

It's like music to my ear

That's what I wanted to hear.

Just goes to show…

He smiles back, a real smile, unusual for Jess.

"Oliver Twist again," he answers. "What about you?"

"Me too," I say truthfully.

"Ironic," he comments.

"Yeah." I step closer to Jess, then reach out and hug him quickly. To my slight surprise, he hugs me back. Then we both pull away.

"Friends again?" I say softly.

A look of sadness, or maybe disappointment, flashes across his face for a second, but then it's gone.

"Friends," he agrees. We look at each other. I don't know what to say, but I feel a lot better. I'm starting to realize how much Jess' friendship really means to me. And then Jess steps closer, puts his hand on my shoulder, and kisses me. I'm incredibly surprised, but not at all upset. I kiss him back, and it's great. It's incredible and amazing and magical and I feel like I'm flying. Everything's so perfect.

And I'm able to admit to myself that kissing Dean was never like this. Never so exciting and meaningful; it never felt this good.

"Jess," I whisper, when he stops kissing me.

"I'm sorry!" he says, sounding like he's gonna cry. I grab his arm before he can run away.

"Don't be. Really, please don't be."

"Why not?" I can tell he's not looking for me to say I like him. He really wants to know the answer.

"It was great, Jess. Honestly. I think…I've wanted that. Sort of."

"Okay."

I let go of him, knowing he's not gonna leave now. "I love you," I say quietly, hugging him again.

"I love you too." And I know this—this is the real Jess. And it's finally happened. And I'm happier than I've been in a long time.

I knew that in time you'd come closer

I love you, I always will

It wasn't a question of if but a question of when.

We're both hugging, we're both crying

You're telling everything you feel

Both then and now

You are my closest friend.