Authors note: this is a play co-written with polkat for our annual school competition, to be performed by a group of 11-14 year olds. It's our first effort, and from it we've learnt a lot of things the hard way – for example, it's not a good idea to put 40 children on stage at the same time and expect them to concentrate, especially when a large proportion of them are year 7's. All the same, producing it was amusing, possibly because both of us, maybe mistakenly, believe that huge amounts of sarcasm is funny. Rips-off about every comedy I care to think of right now, so maybe it should be on fanfiction or something, but the idea at least is original. If anybody thinks this shouldn't be here, I'll move it. Enjoy!

Scene 1:

[Stage and auditorium are in darkness. Manic laughter starts. A spotlight circles round before lighting on a chair, its back to the audience. The laughter stops and slowly the chair rotates to reveal…]

Deep Voiced Narrator: Yes, Scott Evil. The dastardly Doctor's son had concocted a sly scheme and had summoned a host of hideously depraved villains in order to help him carry out this evil plan.

Scott Evil: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my underground, secret volcano lair. Now as you all know…

Assistant 1: Scott…

Scott Evil: [snappily] Yes?

Assistant 1: Well, we…er…had a bit of a problem with the…

Scott Evil: Underground, secret volcano layer?

Assistant 2: [nods pathetically] We couldn't find one.

Scott Evil: [slowly] You…couldn't find one?

Assistant 2: Not exactly.

Scott Evil: Why do I even bother? Where are we then?!

Assistant 1: We tried really hard, but, well what with funds and all, and that new scientific research that proves the fumes from volcanoes are noxious…[trails off]

Scott Evil: [gives assistant hard look] I didn't ask why. Where are we?

Assistant 2: [mumbles something]

Scott Evil: Speak up. I'm a little hard of hearing.

Assistant 2: [sheepishly] One of the less used classrooms of…er…Yateley School.

Scott Evil: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. [hopefully] Is it an evil school?

Assistant 1: They do have rather hideous school jumpers?

Scott Evil: Just forget it. Go get yourself a drink or something… [shouts after retreating Assistants] some kind of therapy perhaps.

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my classroo- my secret lair. Our first meeting has officially begun. [Scott Evil unveils the white board with the giant word "Bunies" written on it.]

Saruman the White: [Looking up] Bunnies? Please don't tell me that's what we're calling ourselves.

Wicked Queen: [absently] You've spelt it wrong. Bunnies has a double n.

Scott Evil: [sarcastically] So glad you noticed.

Dracula: Ve're calling ourselves Bunnies?

Scott Evil: Of course not. It stands for "Baddies uniting now! An invincible evil society!"

Dracula: Vich shortens to Bunnies.

Wicked Queen: Which is still spelt wrongly.

Scott Evil: That's because it isn't bunnies!

Cat Woman: Can we move on?

Saruman: Can we change our name?

Scott Evil: If we must. And yes, let's move on. As this is our first meeting there may be some people here who don't know each other.

Baddies: [groan]

Sheriff: [whining] Do we have to?

Scott Evil: Yes. You first.

Sheriff: [stand up and rather half-heartedly says] Hello I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham, I…er… enjoy horse riding and taking over England. My dislikes include Robin Hood, carrots…

Scott Evil: Next

Sheriff: But I was just getting into the swing of it.

Scott Evil: [firmly] Next!

Wicked Queen: My name is Esmerelda. I was the Queen of England until that brat Snow White came along. Now I seek revenge!

Scott Evil: Yes… alright. Next!

Cat Woman: I am Cat Woman. [sits down.]

Wicked Queen: That's it?

Cat Woman: Well I'm an easily recognisable figure. People don't need to be told who I am.

Saruman: But you just told us who you are.

Cat Woman: Alright, alright, but you don't need to be told what my favourite vegetable is though do you?

[Everyone turns to look at the Sheriff of Nottingham]

Sheriff: I went first give me a break.

Scott Evil: NEXT!

Dracula: My name is Dracula, Lord of the Dead. I live in a big castle in Transylvania [sadly] or rather I used to until Van Hesling staked me through the heart. [Off other villains looks] It's not as fatal as it used to be.

Darth Maul: I am Darth Maul. I had no lines in Star Wars, and I have no lines in this play either.

Morgan: Morgan le Fae. I am both King Arthur's half sister and the reason his marriage never worked out.

White Witch: Really? How?

Morgan: I slept with him. [everyone else shudders]

Will: [friendly voice] Hi, I'm Will Sarell. Personal nemesis of over a thousand school children. I helped design the jumpers.

[Everyone shudders]

Morgan: You sicken even me.

White Witch: I am the White Witch. [Off their blank looks] From Narnia? Don't you people read?! I made it eternal winter and was eventually defeated by four school children?

[Loud snickering from other villains]

For God's sake! [sulkily] I'm only here because the writers couldn't think of any other female villains.

Bob: I'm Bob. I'm an alcoholic.

Saruman: Saruman the Whit…. [double take] You're who?

Bob: Bob.

Saruman: Oh that's alright th…. What are you doing here? What place do you have in such an impressive circle of evil geniuses?

Bob: Well, I sell insurance.

[gasps of horror from the others] I also mistook this for a meeting of the Rabbit Lovers Anonymous Club. I thought that maybe they'd changed their name.

Saruman: See what I mean?

Scott Evil: Alright, it's gone. [sighs] Is anyone else here for the "Rabbit Lovers Anonymous Club"?

[Sheriff raises his hand hesitantly, but Saruman shakes his head vigorously and the hand is lowered.]

Scott Evil: [to guard] Excellent. Take this idiot away then. [when guard doesn't respond] Ahem? Why aren't you taking Bob away?

Guard: Bob? Oooooooooooooooooh. I wasn't sure which particular idiot you meant. No problemo? [smiles cheerfully.] If you'll come with me sir.

Bob: [offstage] You're a guard right? That's a high risk job. Have you ever considered taking out life insurance?

[Noise of door slamming]

Scott Evil: Thank badness that's over. [Lifts invisible tape recorder] Note to self: get better guards. [Lowers his hand then reconsiders and lifts it again.] Additional note to self: get real reporter's tape recorder. Am beginning to attract strange looks. [Clears his throat loudly.]

I think that's all we need to hear. Obviously there aren't enough evil genius' around now days. Has any one got Bill Gates Number? [silence] No? A shame. He promised Windows XP would be significently different from previous updates and lied to the world. That's evil for you. [silence] But now to business. I suspect I am not the only one who is tired of being constantly vanquished by nancy-boy heroes against insurmountable odds. They never have any resources, they never have a plan and yet for some inexplicable reason each hero triumphs with just his good looks and his band of dim but loveable sidekicks. It's insufferable and it must stop. It is for this reason I have summoned you here today, together we can put an end to this.

[The lights dim]

Deep Voiced Narrator: All night long they talked and in the morning they had settled on their diabolical plot and it was this… [lights up]

Scott Evil: Would you please keep it down, we're discussing something very important here.

Sheriff: Who are you anyway? [loud agreement from the other villains. Slight pause]

Deep Voiced Narrator: I'm the Deep Voiced Narrator. I'm a crucial part of any story.

Dracula: Vell, you're not wanted.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Not at all?

Cat Woman: Not at all.

Deep Voiced Narrator: But how are the audience going to know what's going on in the story?

Scott Evil: They're watching the play. They don't need you either.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Fine. You won't hear me again.

Saruman: I think he's sulking.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Am not!

Saruman: You're talking again.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Just leave me alone.

Wicked Queen: Are we all agreed on our plan?

Villains all except Sheriff: [agree]

Sheriff: Er… no. What're we doing tonight?

Wicked Queen: The same thing we do every night, Sheriff. Try to take over the world!

Scott Evil: [coughs loudly] Excuse me, but I believe I am the head of this evil organisation. That's my line.

Wicked Queen: Be my guest.

Scott Evil: Thankyou. The same thing we do every night: Try to wake over the torld!

[silence]

Scott Evil: [sighs] What she said.

[Black out.]