Scene 2:
Deep Voiced Narrator: While Scott Evil and his corrupt cronies plotted privately through the night another meeting was also occurring. We've already met the baddies but what about the story's heroes? This courageous band of wily workers never stop labouring, they never tire of keeping you safe, they never…
Frodo: Right foot red!
Deep Voiced Narrator: [pauses] …pause in their quest for justice. Each hero more dedicated than the next, each more cunning, more handsome, more valiant, more graceful, more charming…
Sam: Oi Art! Get your fat foot out of my face! [whining] Mr Frodo, he's cheating!
Deep Voiced Narrator: I don't know why I bother.
[Lights up. Robin, King Arthur, a dwarf and Edmund are playing twister with Batman spinning the wheel. Robin Hood and Susan are busy competing for the space in front of a full-length mirror. A couple of the dwarfs and Peter and Lucy are playing cards. Frodo is sitting on his own fiddling with a golden ring. Sam is sitting staring at Frodo.]
Arthur: King's don't cheat.
Lucy: Sneezy, have you got any 3's old chap?
Frodo: Left hand green, Edmund.
[He reaches out and the whole group falls to the ground.]
Sneezy: [beams and gets up] The falling's always the fun part isn't it?
Edmund: Sorry comrades.
Sneezy: Go fish. Peter, any 4's?
[The last few dwarfs arrive as does a host of Merry-men. From the other side of the stage appear tow guards complete with walkie-talkies and red tape. They proceed to barricade the Merry-men in a corner of the stage.
Guard 1: Everybody keep back, keep back.
Guard 2: You there, can you stay away from Mr Hood please?
Little John: But…
Guard 1: I'm sure Mr Hood will be delighted to take your questions just as soon as he has the time, but for now I must ask you to keep your distance. Please wait until after the show for autographs.
Grumbles from the Merry-men, guards continue muttering in to their walkie-talkies. Robin Hood finally gets pushed away from the mirror, smiles broadly at his men.]
Robin Hood: Welcome my Merry-men! [The men glare at him and sit themselves around the floor. Robin Hood moves to the front of the room.]
Let's get this meeting started!
[Black out apart from spotlight around Robin Hood's face.]
Deep Voiced Narrator: Robin Hood. As stupid as he is vain. His intrepid band of Merry-men have long since stopped being merry, about 10 seconds after they'd met Robin actually.
[Lights up again. Robin Hood rubs his hands gleefully.]
Robin Hood: Is there any old business? Wait a minute, Where's Snow White?
[One of the dwarfs steps up importantly]
Doc: As Ms White's representatives at this meeting I have to express her deepest regrets that she cannot be with us today. Oh her behalf of Ms White, we would like to show great thanks for the honour that has been done to her, and gracefully accept the Most Beautiful Heroine Award for her work in recent fairy tales. Ms White would like to thank-
Susan: Hang on, hang on old boy, what's all this about an award?
[All turn and look at Robin Hood, who looks embarrassed.]
Robin Hood: [shamefacedly] Just showing my appreciation…
Doc: [continues] Ms White would also like to reciprocate by nominating Mr Hood for the Most Dashing Hero Award…[All turn and look at Robin again]
[Black out during which the other dwarfs also rise and stand next to Doc. The spot light focus's on his face.]
Deep Voiced Narrator: The dwarfs: Doc, [the spot light moves on to the next dwarf, who is glaring at the audience], Happy, [spotlight moves on to next dwarf, who is grinning insanely] Grumpy, [pause. dwarves stop and look at each other. Happy and Grumpy shuffle round and swap places. spotlight moves on and voice continues] Sneezy, [moves to next dwarf, etc.] Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey. [the spot light moves on to focus on the stomach of a rather tall dwarf. It pans up to reveal Vinnie Jones (replace with any other improbable character you like. We had a geography teacher)] And of course the eighth dwarf Shorty who was cut from the movie because the director had certain rather prejudiced ideas about dwarfs, one of them being that they should be...well… short.
[Lights up]
Doc: We also represent Mr Powers who is also absent due to an unforeseen family crisis.
Austin Powers: [offstage] No I'm not! They kidnapped me. They-
[Doc nods to another dwarf, who disappears offstage. The voice stops. Other characters sit in silence for a few moments]
Edmund: Family crisis?
Doc: It was the best we could come up with at short notice. Problem?
Edmund: It's just…it's not very original, is it?
Doc: [angrily] Well, if you think you can do any better…
[Peter gets up and stands next to his brother]
Peter: Leave Ed alone shorty!
Shorty: But I did nothing!
Peter: [to Shorty] Not you. [to Doc] And you-
[Black out. The other children join them at the front.]
Deep Voiced Narrator: Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy: The four school children who quite unexpectedly discovered a magic world through a wardrobe and became its kings and queens. [Pause] Who wrote this? Unexpectedly discovered a magic world? When would you ever open a wardrobe expecting to find a magic world?
Susan: To be fair, lots of people probably do now that they've read Narnia.
[Lights up]
Peter: [calmly] As I was saying, [turns to Doc, raises voice again] You-
Arthur: Peace people, peace. Have you forgotten we are all friends here? Remember, violence never solved anything. It is through love that we will overcome all obstacles.
Edmund: You beastly little…
Arthur: [hurriedly] Remember the fuss the cleaning lady made last time we got blood on the carpet?
[Black out]
Deep Voiced Narrator: King Arthur of England. A notorious bad cook and cheat at Twister, he normally tries to worm his way out of trouble by preaching non-violence. His process in this is hindered by the fact that none of the other heroes can even spell non-violence.
[Lights up]
Edmund: Can he spell non-violence?
Arthur: [defensively] Hey, don't talk to me like that!
Edmund: Why not?
[Arthur thinks for a while, then brightens]
Arthur: Because I am Arthur, wise ruler of Camelot, beloved husband of fair Guinevere, championed by Merlin the Magician, chosen of the Lady in the Lake, leader of the Knights of the Round Table, and wielder of Excalibur! [he brandishes a red and blue plastic sword]
Dopey: [laughing] That's Excalibur?
Arthur: Yes.
Dopey: Wow, your people were advanced. I thought plastic wasn't invented until the twentieth century.
Arthur: Firstly, when has anything in this play made sense? Secondly, it's a magic sword. [mumbling] Plus there have been a few budget cuts, and we had to melt down the swords to make crowns.
Lucy: So why is yours made of cardboard?
Arthur: [shuffles his feet slightly] Well, the budget was cut further and we had to melt the crowns down to make sledgehammers…
Grumpy: Why did you need sledgehammers?
Arthur: Don't ask me. [continues] …and then we had to melt the sledgehammers down to make paperweights, and then we had to melt the paperweights down to make some more rings for Frodo, because he keeps dropping them down volcanoes…
[All turn to look at Frodo. Black out]
Deep Voiced Narrator: Frodo Baggins, son of Drogo, son of Fosco, son of Largo, and second cousin once removed of Bilbo Baggins of Bag End. Heroic qualities even more dubious than his fellows, as whenever confronted by an attacker his first course of action is to fall over. Frodo spends the first book whining about the ring and the second two books in the trilogy being carried by his loyal gardener Sam.
Sam: Hey, don't you say that about Mr Frodo!
Deep Voiced Narrator: [Meekly] Sorry. [recovering] Wait, I don't have to take that from you. What if I don't? What are you going to do about it?
Sam: [mutters loudly] It's just unnatural to have a giant disembodied voice like that.
Deep Voiced Narrator: But of course it's perfectly alright to have giant hairy feet?
[light up]
Arthur: …and then we has to melt the rings down to make one of those executive desk thingies for Guinevere…
Batman: Ok, ok, we get the picture. Didn't it occur to you to…no, forget it.
[Black out]
Deep Voiced Narrator: The daring duo: Batman and Robin. A James Bond wannabe, Batman keeps inexplicably changing his appearance. The other heroes tactfully avoid mentioning this. As for Robin…well, nobody really knows why he's here, as Batman appears to have all the necessary skills to defeat any supervillains on his own. It will remain one of life's great unsolved mysteries, right up alongside how they get the ships in the glass bottles?
[light up]
Lucy: But they don't put the ships in the glass bottles silly, they make them in there. Are you quite done now?
Deep Voiced Narrator: Yes. Apart from if Wil-e-coyote had enough money for huge quantities of explosives, why didn't he just buy dinner? Got an answer for that one smart alec?
Lucy: Well, for a start...ow! [Peter glares at her]
Peter: Don't start him off. Just let it go, or we'll be here forever.
Robin Hood: Good. Right then, any old business? [chorus of no's]
Any new business? [more no's]
Batman: Why do we even have these meetings? Apart from so Robin can award himself trophies of course.
Robin Hood: Well, now that you mention it, I was thinking that we could…
All: [loudly] No!
Robin Hood: Alright, alright, it was just a suggestion! Fine then, how about a game of charades?
Sam: [sulkily] Arthur cheats.
Arthur: Me? I'm as honest as, uh, a person who is very honest indeed.
[Black out]