WEEK 2:
Happy Intro music plays
CAMERA cuts to the studio. It looks the same as in the first chapter- still tan, and still with the plaque. The busy looking people are still speaking on their many phones, except this time, they're selling 'World Domination Fund Corrupt- Inside Testimony' headlines to the National Enquirer. Aunt Nina is sitting at home by HER telephone, knitting forlornly.
Again, I walk on camera, tastefully dressed and holding a microphone.
ME: Hello. You may remember how my co-host, Sark, went stark raving mad last week. He is now undergoing therapy at Happy Hills mental institution. We wish him a speedy recovery. But now, I have found a new fictional co- host. Here is Boromir, from Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. *gestures beside me, where Boromir SHOULD be standing, but isn't*
ME *looking around*: Boromir? Where are- no, put that down! It's called a phone! It won't hurt you! You can't kill it!
BOROMIR *appearing very annoyed*: What? Oh, sorry. *puts the phone down on a table*
ME: We're going to talk about World Domination today, the same as we do every day. Boromir, as a new co-host, do you have any thoughts on that?
BOROMIR: World Domination is good. That is, if you're the one dominating the world. It's not so good if you're a peasant, I guess. . .
ME: Anything else?
BOROMIR: Well, I really don't care much for your world, but I personally would love to rule Middle Earth.
ME: OK! That's good. Anyway, last week we met Eduardo from Puerto Rico. We raised exactly $25.63 (plus a squadron of apples, which he enjoyed so much they didn't do much good, as most were eaten, and some money from Draculena's minions, which turned out to be from 1876 and was sold to a museum- but he appreciated it) for him- we still have a long way to go, but, it's progress! Progress made possible by concerned viewers like you. . .
BOROMIR: You raised a paltry sum. I don't think they're that concerned.
ME: You know, it's negative thinking like that that kills a cause.
BOROMIR: This cause doesn't need anything to kill it. The public of your world just aren't as stupid as you take them for.
ME, under breath: There's a sucker born every minute, darling. You just need to know how to play them. *in normal voice* Now, let's meet another child in need of world domination.
SCENE cuts to a young Chinese boy. He is standing outside a Pagoda in what looks like the Himalayas.
ME: Xiang Ming lives in a remote mountain town in China. He is in training to be a monk. Because of all the good things they've taught him about self- sacrifice, his dream is smaller than Eduardo's- Xiang Ming only wants to rule Manchuria. To do this, he will need a similar army of mercenaries, plus several spies and kamikaze pilots.
BOROMIR: Why does he need Kamikaze pilots?
ME: Because they bring in a lot of cash and you don't have to feed them for long. Anyway, to help Xiang Ming, we will have to raise about 300,000 to 600,000 dollars. We can't do this without your help, dear viewers. In fact-
BOROMIR: I told you, they really don't care.
ME: Of course they care. They're extremely gulli- err, empathetic people.
BOROMIR *shakes head and starts filing sword*: Maybe one day we'll earn enough to buy one of those things- what did you call them- chocolate bars?
ME, *to Boromir*: We shall discuss this later! *turns to camera* Well, that wraps up this session. Remember, the phone lines are always open. . .
*Suddenly, all sound and picture is cut off, because, amazingly, a phone rang, which startled Boromir, and he cut the cable to the camera, as he has a tendency to wave his sword wildly when startled.*
Happy Intro music plays
CAMERA cuts to the studio. It looks the same as in the first chapter- still tan, and still with the plaque. The busy looking people are still speaking on their many phones, except this time, they're selling 'World Domination Fund Corrupt- Inside Testimony' headlines to the National Enquirer. Aunt Nina is sitting at home by HER telephone, knitting forlornly.
Again, I walk on camera, tastefully dressed and holding a microphone.
ME: Hello. You may remember how my co-host, Sark, went stark raving mad last week. He is now undergoing therapy at Happy Hills mental institution. We wish him a speedy recovery. But now, I have found a new fictional co- host. Here is Boromir, from Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. *gestures beside me, where Boromir SHOULD be standing, but isn't*
ME *looking around*: Boromir? Where are- no, put that down! It's called a phone! It won't hurt you! You can't kill it!
BOROMIR *appearing very annoyed*: What? Oh, sorry. *puts the phone down on a table*
ME: We're going to talk about World Domination today, the same as we do every day. Boromir, as a new co-host, do you have any thoughts on that?
BOROMIR: World Domination is good. That is, if you're the one dominating the world. It's not so good if you're a peasant, I guess. . .
ME: Anything else?
BOROMIR: Well, I really don't care much for your world, but I personally would love to rule Middle Earth.
ME: OK! That's good. Anyway, last week we met Eduardo from Puerto Rico. We raised exactly $25.63 (plus a squadron of apples, which he enjoyed so much they didn't do much good, as most were eaten, and some money from Draculena's minions, which turned out to be from 1876 and was sold to a museum- but he appreciated it) for him- we still have a long way to go, but, it's progress! Progress made possible by concerned viewers like you. . .
BOROMIR: You raised a paltry sum. I don't think they're that concerned.
ME: You know, it's negative thinking like that that kills a cause.
BOROMIR: This cause doesn't need anything to kill it. The public of your world just aren't as stupid as you take them for.
ME, under breath: There's a sucker born every minute, darling. You just need to know how to play them. *in normal voice* Now, let's meet another child in need of world domination.
SCENE cuts to a young Chinese boy. He is standing outside a Pagoda in what looks like the Himalayas.
ME: Xiang Ming lives in a remote mountain town in China. He is in training to be a monk. Because of all the good things they've taught him about self- sacrifice, his dream is smaller than Eduardo's- Xiang Ming only wants to rule Manchuria. To do this, he will need a similar army of mercenaries, plus several spies and kamikaze pilots.
BOROMIR: Why does he need Kamikaze pilots?
ME: Because they bring in a lot of cash and you don't have to feed them for long. Anyway, to help Xiang Ming, we will have to raise about 300,000 to 600,000 dollars. We can't do this without your help, dear viewers. In fact-
BOROMIR: I told you, they really don't care.
ME: Of course they care. They're extremely gulli- err, empathetic people.
BOROMIR *shakes head and starts filing sword*: Maybe one day we'll earn enough to buy one of those things- what did you call them- chocolate bars?
ME, *to Boromir*: We shall discuss this later! *turns to camera* Well, that wraps up this session. Remember, the phone lines are always open. . .
*Suddenly, all sound and picture is cut off, because, amazingly, a phone rang, which startled Boromir, and he cut the cable to the camera, as he has a tendency to wave his sword wildly when startled.*