Week Three:
Everything is the same. The busy looking phone people are now calling expensive 900 numbers and having their fortunes told by Madame Zoya. Apparently she sees a very, very, lonely and depressed aunt. . .
I, this time wearing a long black Morticia Adams style dress, walk into view of the camera holding a cheese sandwich. And a microphone.
ME: Hello. Welcome to the World Domination Fund infomercial, where we inform the wonderful North American public about the plight of small children in poor countries. Without your help, these children may never get to even command their own army. Anyway, you may remember our previous co- host, Boromir. Well, he is no longer with us. Not that he died or anything- (yet, that is) he was simply fired for having a negative attitude, not to mention that he broke our camera. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good camcorder!? I had to sacrifice my lunch hour to go to Radio Shack! Now I'm here, eating a cheese sandwich on air!
RANDOM GUY HOLDING CAMCORDER: Uh, miss? All this talk about lunch is making your new co-host hungry, and I don't like the way he's eyeing me. . .
ME: *puts down cheese sandwich* Oh, sorry- well, send him out. *turns to camera* Anyway, today we have one of the world's most famous literary vampires here to promote our cause- Count Dracula!
COUNT DRACULA: *strides in front of camera* Thank you. And yes, I AM the world's most famous literary vampire. MUCH more famous than that French guy.
ME: I said 'one of the' not 'THE' most famous-
DRACULA: Dare ye challenge me, foolish mortal?!
ME: Well, not when you put it that way, no. So, your thoughts on World Domination?
DRACULA: I was born for it. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
ME: Great! Then you're perfect for helping us raise money for all the little children.
DRACULA: Little children? Where! I can't stand little children! They- cry! *darts behind me, grabbing my shoulders*
ME: THEY'RE IN THE UKRAINE! Get a hold of yourself, man- er, vampire!
DRACULA: The Ukraine? You're sure?
ME: Yes, Count. *peels him off my shoulders* Anyhow, let's meet the next underprivileged child in need of world domination.
SCENE cuts to a little girl, sitting at a table. She is quite happily making Easter eggs.
ME: Olga lives in Kiev. She may seem perfectly content and happy, but she isn't. She has hopes and dreams- hopes and dreams that may never be fulfilled but for your generous donations. Olga wants to rule the world, or at least Russia, Ukraine, and Romania. She may not know it yet, but-"
DRACULA: What? Romania? BUT THAT'S MY HOMELAND! MY COUNTSHIP!
ME: Ain't that nice. Anyway-"
DRACULA: SHE CAN'T HAVE IT! ROMANIA IS MINE!
ME: Too bad. Stop speaking in capitals- IT'S HARD TO READ IN SCRIPT FORMAT!
DRACULA: YOU'D BE SPEAKING IN CAPITALS TOO IF SOME DEMENTED UKRAINIAN KID WANTED TO TAKE OVER YOUR COUNTRY!!!
ME: Ah, never mind. Back to the subject- to take over these countries, Olga needs several MIG 18 fighter jets (complete with several Russian pilots), about 90 spies and mercenaries, and 50,000 dollars. Just think, people, for the small, small price of 50,000 dollars, you can fulfill the dreams of a poor, er, middle- class Ukrainian girl. I hope you can find it in your hearts-"
DRACULA: Don't listen to her! She may have a nice dress, but she's crazy!! And this is all a scam anyway! I have proof! I- AHHH! *gets dragged away by random assistants carrying holy water and garlic*
ME, shaking head: Well, that was interesting. Another fictional character's dreams of co- hosting bite the dust.
*another random assistant approaches, and hands me a piece of paper, which I read*
ME: And in further news, Eduardo, the first child we met, now has sponsors. Thanks to generous donations of kamikaze apples (which went to him as the Chinese govt. wouldn't let them anywhere near Xiang Ming) from Draculena, and some cash and a button from StrawberryChick, he is halfway to ruling the world. The apples are storming the Puerto Rican capital as we speak. Great success, which would not be possible without concerned viewers like you. *smiles what should be a winning but is actually a demented looking smile* Anyway, just as before, the phone lines are always open. Please call, and help another small child nowhere near you conquer the world. Thank you. *picks up cheese sandwich and resumes eating while walking off- set*
CUTS to commercials, with that annoying 'call in' text bar at the bottom.
~A/N: I mean no disrespect to the people who run charities, even though their infomercials strike me as rather a waste of airtime that could be used for horror movies. They have fine morals. *repressed snickering from StarlightWarrior* Also, on the subject of horror movies, Count Dracula was here courtesy of Draculena, our number one donator, and Bram Stoker, who is probably turning in his grave as I type. :] ~
Everything is the same. The busy looking phone people are now calling expensive 900 numbers and having their fortunes told by Madame Zoya. Apparently she sees a very, very, lonely and depressed aunt. . .
I, this time wearing a long black Morticia Adams style dress, walk into view of the camera holding a cheese sandwich. And a microphone.
ME: Hello. Welcome to the World Domination Fund infomercial, where we inform the wonderful North American public about the plight of small children in poor countries. Without your help, these children may never get to even command their own army. Anyway, you may remember our previous co- host, Boromir. Well, he is no longer with us. Not that he died or anything- (yet, that is) he was simply fired for having a negative attitude, not to mention that he broke our camera. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a good camcorder!? I had to sacrifice my lunch hour to go to Radio Shack! Now I'm here, eating a cheese sandwich on air!
RANDOM GUY HOLDING CAMCORDER: Uh, miss? All this talk about lunch is making your new co-host hungry, and I don't like the way he's eyeing me. . .
ME: *puts down cheese sandwich* Oh, sorry- well, send him out. *turns to camera* Anyway, today we have one of the world's most famous literary vampires here to promote our cause- Count Dracula!
COUNT DRACULA: *strides in front of camera* Thank you. And yes, I AM the world's most famous literary vampire. MUCH more famous than that French guy.
ME: I said 'one of the' not 'THE' most famous-
DRACULA: Dare ye challenge me, foolish mortal?!
ME: Well, not when you put it that way, no. So, your thoughts on World Domination?
DRACULA: I was born for it. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
ME: Great! Then you're perfect for helping us raise money for all the little children.
DRACULA: Little children? Where! I can't stand little children! They- cry! *darts behind me, grabbing my shoulders*
ME: THEY'RE IN THE UKRAINE! Get a hold of yourself, man- er, vampire!
DRACULA: The Ukraine? You're sure?
ME: Yes, Count. *peels him off my shoulders* Anyhow, let's meet the next underprivileged child in need of world domination.
SCENE cuts to a little girl, sitting at a table. She is quite happily making Easter eggs.
ME: Olga lives in Kiev. She may seem perfectly content and happy, but she isn't. She has hopes and dreams- hopes and dreams that may never be fulfilled but for your generous donations. Olga wants to rule the world, or at least Russia, Ukraine, and Romania. She may not know it yet, but-"
DRACULA: What? Romania? BUT THAT'S MY HOMELAND! MY COUNTSHIP!
ME: Ain't that nice. Anyway-"
DRACULA: SHE CAN'T HAVE IT! ROMANIA IS MINE!
ME: Too bad. Stop speaking in capitals- IT'S HARD TO READ IN SCRIPT FORMAT!
DRACULA: YOU'D BE SPEAKING IN CAPITALS TOO IF SOME DEMENTED UKRAINIAN KID WANTED TO TAKE OVER YOUR COUNTRY!!!
ME: Ah, never mind. Back to the subject- to take over these countries, Olga needs several MIG 18 fighter jets (complete with several Russian pilots), about 90 spies and mercenaries, and 50,000 dollars. Just think, people, for the small, small price of 50,000 dollars, you can fulfill the dreams of a poor, er, middle- class Ukrainian girl. I hope you can find it in your hearts-"
DRACULA: Don't listen to her! She may have a nice dress, but she's crazy!! And this is all a scam anyway! I have proof! I- AHHH! *gets dragged away by random assistants carrying holy water and garlic*
ME, shaking head: Well, that was interesting. Another fictional character's dreams of co- hosting bite the dust.
*another random assistant approaches, and hands me a piece of paper, which I read*
ME: And in further news, Eduardo, the first child we met, now has sponsors. Thanks to generous donations of kamikaze apples (which went to him as the Chinese govt. wouldn't let them anywhere near Xiang Ming) from Draculena, and some cash and a button from StrawberryChick, he is halfway to ruling the world. The apples are storming the Puerto Rican capital as we speak. Great success, which would not be possible without concerned viewers like you. *smiles what should be a winning but is actually a demented looking smile* Anyway, just as before, the phone lines are always open. Please call, and help another small child nowhere near you conquer the world. Thank you. *picks up cheese sandwich and resumes eating while walking off- set*
CUTS to commercials, with that annoying 'call in' text bar at the bottom.
~A/N: I mean no disrespect to the people who run charities, even though their infomercials strike me as rather a waste of airtime that could be used for horror movies. They have fine morals. *repressed snickering from StarlightWarrior* Also, on the subject of horror movies, Count Dracula was here courtesy of Draculena, our number one donator, and Bram Stoker, who is probably turning in his grave as I type. :] ~