Scene 4:
[light up on the heroes. Sneezy is standing at the back of the stage miming 'Batman']
Arthur: One word.
Robin Hood: It's a film.
[Sneezy starts to point at Batman]
Lucy: You?
Grumpy: Man?
Doc: The Invisible Man?
Grumpy: That's 3 words you idiot!
Doc: [pause while he works it out] Hey, you're right!
Robin Hood: Men? Him?
[Sneezy points more frantically]
Arthur: Bat?
Grumpy: Superhero?
Lucy: I told you we're no good at this game!
Arthur: Man in a bat costume?
[Sneezy gives up and changes tactic]
Doc: Two syllables
Grumpy: Second syllable…
[Sneezy points at Batman again]
Lucy: Haven't we done this part already?
Robin Hood: You, me, him, men, man [Sneezy nods] Man! Man!
Arthur: First syllable…
Doc: Sounds like
[Sneezy points at random audience member]
Robin Hood: Ugly?
Arthur: Spotty?
Doc: Tall?
Lucy: Bald?
Grumpy: Fat? [Sneezy starts to nod] Sounds like fat.
Arthur: Something man.
Lucy: Flatman?
Robin Hood: Hatman?
Doc: Catman?
Arthur: Satman?
Robin Hood: Ratman? Come on Batman, help us out here.
Batman: Ummm, Matman?
[Sneezy gives up and collapses to the ground]
Doc: Look, it's no good, we're never gonna get it. You should stop picking such hard ones.
Deep Voiced Narrator: But just as our brave, resourceful, intelligent heroes were just on the verge of cracking Sneezy's dastardly charade, what should they hear but a knock on the door!
[a knocking sound is heard. Lucy goes to the door and returns carrying a letter]
Lucy: There was nobody there, but I found this.
[Heroes gather round. Lucy opens the letter]
Robin Hood: What does it say?
Lucy: Erm, well, the thing about that is…
King Arthur: You can't read, can you?
Lucy: Can you?
Arthur: Well… Batman, why don't you read it?
Batman: Give it to Robin.
Robin: Give it to one of the dwarves. [Offers it to Happy]
Happy: Give it to a different dwarf.
Sleepy: Give it to Frodo.
Frodo: [still playing with the ring] Give it to Sam.
Sam: Give it to the audience.
Peter: Hang on a minute, the audience are clearly the most uneducated of us all! Can't any of you do better than them?
Frodo: Why don't you read it then? You're supposed to be one of the four schoolchildren.
Peter: Have you seen the national curriculum recently? We're not expected to read any more. Besides, I was busy ruling over a mythical land remember?
Robin Hood: So what we're saying is that none of us can actually read?
[general murmurs along the lines of 'well I wouldn't put it quite like that…' etc]
Robin Hood: So…how are we going to read the letter then?
Deep Voiced Narrator: Can I make a suggestion?
Edmund: Go ahead.
Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, I could just read it for you.
Grumpy: How? You're a disembodied voice. How can you possibly see the letter?
Deep Voiced Narrator: That's a little harsh. True, but harsh. Just because I'm only a voice doesn't mean I have no feelings, you know…
Grumpy: So you can't see the letter?
Deep Voiced Narrator: Admittedly no. But I do have a copy of the script. Ahem.
[black out]
[light up on male villains in front of stage on right]
Scott: So you all know what we're doing?
All: Yes
Scott: Good. Now, I have to go practise my evil laughter, but the rest of you can write the letter.
Assistant: Actually, your diary says you're going mini golfing with George Bush.
Scott: [looks nervous] No…that was…er…last week. [leaves hurriedly]
[black out]
[light up on heroes]
Dopey: That's in the letter?
Deep Voiced Narrator: No, that's just so the audience know what's happening. You didn't hear that part.
Dopey: Oh. Ok.
Deep Voiced Narrator: Right, here we go. Ahem.
[black out]
[light up on baddies]
Sheriff: [writing] Dear Superheroes…
Saruman: [reciting] We, the former supervillains, after a course of intensive therapy, have finally realised the error of our ways.
Dracula: [Interrupting] No longer shall ve spend our evenings plotting for a vay to take over the vorld and kill you in a variety of painful vays. Henceforth, ve pledge to become strong and upstanding members of the community,
Will: [excitedly] and help out at old ladies coffee mornings!
Saruman: To thank you for the number of times you have prevented us from achieving our lifetime dreams, we would like to invite you to a special award-giving ceremony in appreciation of the great things you lot have done for us.
Dracula: Please attend in Yateley School's Main Hall on Thursday evening at 7:30 pm, vere ve vill present you vith your Saving-the-Vorld trophies.
Will: [handing tickets to Sheriff] Eighteen tickets are enclosed.
Sheriff: [still writing] Signed,
Scott Mildly Nasty
The friendly neighbourhood Sheriff of Nottingham
The not-quite-so-wicked-as-she-appears Queen
Dracula: Dracula the now strictly vegetarian
Sheriff: Kitty-catwoman
Saruman: Saruman the White hearted
Sheriff: The greatly misunderstood Morgan le Fae
Up-for-a-laugh Maul
Will: Will I-didn't-really-have-that-much-to-do-with-the-jumpers Sarell
Sheriff: And The Fluffy Pink Witch
Saruman: P.S. This is not a trap. Honest. [pause]
[black out]
[light up on heroes]
Deep Voiced Narrator: I'm done now.
Dopey: Thanks.
[Robin Hood looks up from the letter]
Robin Hood: There's something wrong here.
Batman: You think?
[Spot light appears at the side of the stage with Scott Evil and the female villains standing in it.]
Cat Woman: See I told you he'd figure out. He's so intelligent. I like his hair like that.
Scott Evil: Maybe I misjudged him.
Robin Hood: I can't put my finger on it.... Oh wait, they haven't dotted this i. I knew there was something.
Scott Evil: Maybe not. [He walks from the spot light]
White Witch: You know we could probably touch him from here.
[The spot light goes off.]
Will Scarlet: Eighteen? Hey, what about us?
Robin Hood: Well, you're not coming, obviously. Sorry about that chaps.
Friar Tuck: You are not!
Kevin: You're not even listening!
Robin Hood: I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was thinking about my trophy.
Brian: Well we're starting to feel…
Robin Hood: I think I'll put it next to the "nicest smile" award.
Brian: …like you don't listen to us.
Little John: Robin…
Robin Hood: Hmmm?
Little John: Robin, I think it's a trap.
Robin Hood: Didn't you read the p.s? Of course it's not a trap.
Little John: There really isn't one brain cell inside that pretty blond head is there?
Robin Hood: I hope not!
Will Scarlet: Robin, you do know what a brain cell is don't you? It's a good thing.
Robin Hood: [smiles broadly] Ooooooooh, right. Lots then.
Bradley: How many is lots?
Robin Hood: Oh, ten at least.
Little John: Just checking. Come on, I can't be the only one who thinks it's just a tad fishy. The world's supervillains suddenly turn good overnight?
Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, I for one…
Robin Hood: See, nobody is even slightly suspicious.
Deep Voiced Narrator: Actually I did say something. I do have the script here you know people. It might help if you listened to me.
Bashful: Wow, what does it say?
Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, Robin's about to suggest you order pizza.
Both Robins: Am I?
Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, Robin Hood wasn't. But Robin from Batman-and-Robin is hungry.
Robin: That is so spooky. Do you know everything I'm thinking?
Deep Voiced Narrator: No, only what's in the script.
Arthur: Let's go get some pizza. I'm hungry.
Robin: [hurt] That was going to be my line. It's in the script and all.
Arthur: Well I haven't had much to do in this scene.
Robin: I wonder why.
Deep Voiced Narrator: It's ok Arthur, you have a line coming up in a minute.
Arthur: What is it?
Deep Voiced Narrator: You're going to ask where the pizza take out menu is. Then after you've found it under the twister mat you're going to argue for some time before eventually deciding to go out for Chinese instead.
Arthur: [slowly] So, now you've told us we don't really need to do those things do we? The audience already knows what's going to happen.
Deep Voiced Narrator: Technically no but I would suggest … hey where're you going?