Friends

Different. Spike thinks. "I dunno...better," he tells Clem as they lean against the bar. "I mean, we're not together anymore, not that we ever really were...but we're...closer."

"Oh yeah," Clem chimes in. "I think I get ya, Spike." He smiles, sighing contentedly. "It's wonderful isn't it, when two people are in love?"

"In love?" Spike looks at Clem as if his skin has straightened out. "Who said anything about being in love?" He stares at the half-empty bottle of Jack in front of him. Clem waits patiently. "Ok, yah I'm in love. S' never gonna change, is it?" He takes a swig and offers some to his floppy-eared friend, who shakes his head. "The girl...I hurt 'er too much, mate," he says softly. "S' never gonna be more than what it is. We're...friends now."

***

"We're...friends, Giles," Buffy says, twirling an unfortunate piece of thread torn from her top between her fingers. On the other end of the phone, Giles is pacing back and forth, annoyed to find himself failing, once more, to form an irrefutable argument for his case against Spike. There is a long, tortured pause and Buffy swears she can hear him remove his glasses and pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Buffy..." he begins, still searching for the words. "I-I think you and I both know that i-it's more...than, uh, than that." He begins pacing again. He feels completely useless 5,000 miles away. Yes, he's found what he's come for: a way to de-trigger Spike and release him from the conditioning of the First. But what is to happen now? Will that all-too-necessary act push Buffy and Spike closer together with a false sense of safety? Spike isn't safe with a chip or without one. With a soul or without one, he is a killer: one with a dangerous obsession with his slayer.

But Buffy isn't really his slayer, anymore, is she? And he doesn't entirely know what to believe concerning Spike's feelings. He also isn't entirely sure he cares.

Ripper wants him gone.

But this is the way, with Buffy. She always lets her feelings prevent her from what must be done for the greater good. She is unable to remove Spike from the equation. Just as she had been unable to remove Ben, which is why- His thoughts trail off. If it were up to Ripper, Spike would be...no more.

He takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, noting a tightness in his chest that he'd been unaware of. He realizes, suddenly, that she hasn't responded to his last statement. He rather hopes that she will contradict him, just this once. Her silence speaks volumes that he doesn't wish to hear.

"Buffy?", she doesn't respond. "Look, I...er...deep sigh...Buffy," he settles onto one of his Queen Anne chairs and into his argument. "I know that you sense the change in him." Giles hears the slayer shift on the other end of the phone, no doubt clenching and unclenching her fists without even knowing it. "We all do, but...but it doesn't change history, Buffy. It only creates more possibilities for...for the future." As soon as he's uttered the words he knows that she will use them against him, which she does.

"I know that, Giles," she snaps. "I'm not expecting any miracles, here, but I know what Spike has been through...w-what he's going through and what he's done to redeem himself to us. Not just to me," she adds before he could protest. "He's done these things for all of us. He wants to be...forgiven." Giles can hear her jaw set in her determination. "And," she continued, "I intend to give him the opportunity to be forgiven and to be the man I think he can be...the one he wants to be.

"He doesn't expect us to forget, b-but to forgive, the way we've forgiven Willow." At that Giles springs up from the chair, toppling it. He feels the anger inside of his stomach churn and travel up his spine until it reaches his scalp where his hair follicles are standing erect.

"Don't you dare place that...thing's...vulgar atrocities alongside what Willow experienced last year!" Giles hisses, his voice low in his rage.

Buffy is startled at the heat emanating from the words. She can't even imagine the look on his face. She's never heard him sound so angry before and is eminently grateful for the miles between them.

Giles regains his momentary loss of control before he continues. "That was quite different, Buffy. And I shouldn't need to point that out to you," he finishes, righting the chair and sits down for emphasis, though no one is there to witness the punctuation.

"Yes of course I know that," she responds, her own anger threatening to peek through her words when all she wants is to calm him down and make him see reason. "I also know that my world changed completely because of what happened with Willow," she admits plainly. "Just as it is changing because of what has...*is* happening with Spike." Giles feels his heart stop for a moment. He is afraid for her to continue, but she does.

"He. Loves. Me." she begins. "And the thing is, h-he's loved me for a long time now," she pauses to think about the implications of what she's saying. As if anticipating his response, she counters.

"It doesn't matter whether I return the feelings or not, he has loved me through it all," she stops to let her next phrase land on fresh ears. "And it began before he had a soul."

Giles makes a sound of disbelief, but doesn't respond. He knows what she's saying, but she can't mean it...can't understand the unbelievable implications...the ripple effect that a revelation like that would have on the order of things. Knowing the way her watcher's mind works, Buffy changes her tone slightly.

"Giles," she sighs. "I didn't believe him, not before. I mean, how could I? Everything I'd known, everything you'd taught me told me that you cannot love without a soul. You can't feel anything without a soul, right?" her question was rhetorical, and he didn't bother to answer. She keeps speaking, mostly for herself, reasoning it out.

"Last year...there was so much wrong about the whole thing, yeah, but it's undeniable when I look back, Giles. Why did he stick around to protect Dawn after I was...gone? You yourself said he was great with her. You said he was in mourning. How could he be if he didn't feel the loss? Why did he take the physical and verbal abuse from us...from me...and still come back? And why did he save every one of us time and time again and fight by our sides? Because of some sick, twisted obsession? Some insane addiction to pain? I used to think so, yeah. But now..." she feels a twinge of guilt when she bitterly recalls the night outside of the police station when he'd tried to stop her from ruining her life.

"You're beneath me."

Giles sits on the other end of the phone in stunned silence. He really has no words, because he is afraid that she is right about a lot of what she is saying. Still, he can't allow himself to be swayed from his convictions. Spike has to go. Period. End of story. He would allow Buffy her last few days with Spike, and then he would confront Spike and ask him to leave...for Buffy's sake. If she is right, and Spike has truly changed, how could he refuse?

Buffy doesn't mistake Giles' silence for agreement. She knows her watcher too well. She knows he would rather finish his argument face to face. He is well aware of his power over her, his parental privilege. She takes the opportunity to build a stronger case.

"When...when mom," she hears his breathing change. "When she…" She can't say the words. "Spike came to me. He came to kill me, shotgun and all." Giles grunts, but she ignores it. "I don't think he would have, even then, but..." she wonders if he would have been able to do it, or more importantly, if she would have fought against it.

"He showed up wanting to kill me. I saw him as he approached, but I didn't let him know. I don't think I cared."

"Oh God, Buf-," Giles tries to interrupt her.

"You don't understand," she stops him from continuing. "I felt so...lost, Giles. I didn't want to be strong Buffy or reliable Buffy or slayer Buffy. I needed to be the-girl-that-someone-would-comfort Buffy. I wanted to cry and scream and tear my hair out. I was numb and frightened at the same time, Giles," she wipes the tear forming in the corner of her eye.

"Spike saw me, sitting on the steps, wrapped up in my grief, and he stopped whatever it was he was planning to do. He came over and sat down with me and...he...h-he comforted me, Giles. He gave me comfort without asking questions about what was next or how I was going to handle it. He was just there for me.

"He's always there for me, even now. And I've never..." her voice brakes. "I've never given him the time of day when it didn't suit my needs. I'm disgusted with myself when I think of last year," she says, again more to herself than to him. "I don't know how he took it."

Punch. Crunch of bone somewhere in his mid-section. Kick as he fell to the ground. Kick. Kick. Kick. The red blood seeping into his blue eyes as she spat those hateful words at him.

"You're beneath me."

Buffy shudders as the memories pour in. She has an overwhelming desire to not be on the phone, to find Spike and to tell him how sorry she is. But she can't do that, can she? Not right now. Not just yet. Giles exhales slowly on the other end. She's almost forgotten he was there.

"I'll..I'll be back shortly, Buffy," he says, clearing his throat as he concludes that he's lost this particular battle. "We'll, uh, continue this then." She doesn't say anything, just nods and hangs up the phone. It's only then that she realizes she isn't alone in the room.

"Oh, hey Dawnie," she says a little too cheerily. Dawn is standing in the doorframe, arms crossed, a curious expression on her face. Buffy hangs up the phone, her back to her younger sibling.

"When Spike said 'I did it for you' earlier...downstairs," Dawn had been turning the words over and over in her mind. She sees Buffy stiffen, waiting for the inevitable question. "What did he mean? He did 'what' for you?"

"Dawn," Buffy really doesn't want to have this conversation right now. She turns to face the icy blue eyes of the young woman.

"Was it his soul?" Dawn's gaze never brakes away from her sister. Buffy can sense the storm within her, the words between her words. Still, she can't bring herself to answer.

"Do you love him?" Dawn asks point blank, her face unchanged. Buffy starts to give her standard-issue response, but she catches herself and answers after a long sigh, settling on the edge of the bed.

"Dawn...I don't know." Buffy hopes that would be a good enough answer. She pats the space next to her in invitation.

"Yes you do, Buffy." Dawns adult anger shakes her adolescent frame. " You know."

The teenager turns and walks away.

Ok, so this story is taking its own twists and turns. Please r/r. I'm a fledgling! :]

Oh and….

TBC