Scene 5:

[Merry men come and sit on the edge of the stage. spotlight on Little John.]

Little John: [talking straight ahead] It wasn't like this originally, you know. We were all equal- one big group, the Merry Men. We started off small- the usual stuff. Rescuing damsels in distress, cats from trees, etc. But then Nottingham came along, and we started getting a bit more publicity. The whole robbing from the rich to give to the poor thing went down amazingly, and suddenly we had more work than we could cope with.

Cary: It was Robin's idea to hire an agent, of course. Robin could never resist the opportunity to get his face seen- even if it was only on a wanted poster. Anyway, she told us that apparently there had been some new kind of research that proved that groups with a headman sold better than groups without. So we nominated Little John. He'd always been the brains of the group, after all. Plus there had just been that campaign he led against the cafeteria food, which was still fresh in everyone's minds. [pauses] Unlike the food, of course.

Errol: But apparently Little John would sell worse than no head man at all, and we needed someone who would appeal to the teenage element. She suggested that half-witted Hood would be an excellent choice. Looking back, we should probably have been a bit suspicious about that, especially when she suggested he come back to her place for 'talks'. But the fame was new to us, so we agreed.

Brian: I didn't agree.

Cary: No me neither.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Did any of you actually vote for Robin then? [pause]

Will Scarlet: Shut up! We're trying to have a serious moment here.

Deep Voiced Narrator: [sniffily] They started it.

Friar Tuck: So then we were Robin Hood and his Merry Men. And for a while, it was ok. Sure, Robin wasn't the brightest of the bunch, but we had John to do the thinking for him. All you really had to do was point him in the direction of the bad guys, and be there to drag him away before too many teenage girls mobbed him.

Kevin: But before long, everything started to change. We'd always known that Robin would cheerfully declare himself dead if we promised to print a photo of him in the obituary column, but he started to get worse. He wasn't content to be the figurehead any more- he wanted to be in charge. We didn't really realize anything was wrong until he went for that children's TV interview to talk about how he'd saved Friar Tuck. Him?!? He got himself captured, and Little John had to mount a rescue mission. But guess who gets all the credit?

Bradley: He started doing photo shoots and interviews on his own. When we objected, they told us we weren't good looking enough- we wouldn't sell enough magazines. They wanted Robin for the star, and the rest of us were just backup.

Brian: They were lying though because next to the article about us was one about Friends. If David Schwimmer can sell I think we'd probably do alright.

Bradley: Well he's OK in a mopey sort of way I guess.

Brian: If you insist.

Friar Tuck: Hey you two, shut up! We're supposed to be having a poignant and touching moment here!

Brian and Bradley: Sorry. [pause]

Brian: Nope, it's no good. All the atmosphere's gone. [pause]

Will Scarlet: We didn't really need the atmosphere though really did we? We're all here to rant about Robin's incompetence right? And who needs atmosphere for that? Heck, we do it all the time.

Bradley: But this time it's different. Now we're not even invited to this stupid award-giving thing! It's not like we didn't do most of the saving of the world. You think Scott could have included us, its not like I really want the stupid trophy but a little recognition would've been nice.

Will Scarlet: Speaking of Scott Evil doesn't it seem strange, this whole ceremony thing? I mean I believe in our prison's reformation system as much as the next dashingly charming rogue outlaw but to totally change round 180 degrees? It's unnatural.

Little John: I agree. Something smells rotten and for once its not last weeks chips. I think we should try and infiltrate the ceremony and I just so happen to have a rather cunning plan.

[Lights out]