WEEK 5
SCENE CUTS TO a studio, no longer like the World Vision one, but VERY posh. In fact, it's starting to look suspiciously like a palace. There are two very comfortable looking plush chairs sitting in the middle of the room.
The phone workers are also in comfortable- looking chairs, complete with arms. They are looking very bored, as their phones are now one way; calls cannot be made FROM them, only TO them. *Author does trademark smirk* Aunt Nina, waving a Ginsu knife and screaming about ungrateful young whippersnappers, is being forcibly restrained right outside the studio.
I, impeccably dressed and holding a microphone, walk into view of the camera.
ME: Hello. As you can see, we have a new studio- it's the natural resources of Puerto Rico- I mean, my own hard- earned money that pays for this extravagance. However, for me to earn my money, YOU have to donate it. Wait, that didn't sound right. . . er, you get the point. I need your cash to help the children; (the children that mow my lawn, that is) so please, continue to donate. They need your support. *I stop and look into the camera sweetly for emphasis*
ME: We have with us here today- well, I'm not exactly sure myself. I missed the briefing. What? My dog ate the invitation. . . he deleted the email, too. . .
*I am interrupted by Dwayne, who was formerly known as 'Random Assistant'. (Buying a name tag can do wonders for you.) He hands me a piece of paper.*
DWAYNE: Uh, this is for you.
ME: Is it a Valentine's Day card?
DWYANE: Uh, no. It's from the managers. I don't think they're sweet on you or anything.
ME: Too bad. Valentine's Day cards make great dart targets. The key is to bean the heart riiight in the center. . .
DWAYNE.*looks scared*:
ME: What? I don't bite. . .
DWAYNE. *recalling the Dracula episode and turning green*: Uh, miss, I'm just going to send out your co- hosts now. *runs off with a speed to rival the Bullet Train's*
ME*watching*: Sheesh. Some people. . .*starts to read letter* Wow. . . today we have a special fictional co- host; again, from Lord of the Rings, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur, son of Elendil, also known as Strider, Elessar, Estel, and The Future King of Gondor! Here he is!
*At that moment, two other random assistants escort Aragorn into the studio. He is seated in one of the comfortable chairs.*
ME: *under breath* Think cynical would- be dictator, not fangirl. Cynical would- be dictator, not fangirl. CYNICAL WOULD BE DICTATOR- *Normal voice* Ahem. Aragorn, thank you for being here. I have a feeling you'll be perfect for promoting our cause.
ARAGORN: Actually, it's my pleasure to be here.
ME: *dazed grin* Really? I mean, what are your views on World Domination?
ARAGORN: What does world domination have to do with heirloom weaponry?
ME: Huh? Oh, yeah, one tiny l'il thing- this *isn't* actually the Heirloom Weaponry Association. Heh heh. . . they must have forgotten to tell you that. *to camera* Donations can help us hire better-trained staff, therefore cutting back on the misinformation floating around!
ARAGORN: If this isn't the HWA, why did you want me to bring Andruil?
ME: Because it wouldn't be charity without sharp pointy objects!
ARAGORN: *stares, making the O_o face* Are you on any kind of medication?
ME: No. . . why would you think that? Anyway, this week we're doing something different. We're going to revisit the children we met in the last episodes and see how far they've gotten since then. Here's Eduardo:
~~~
SCENE CUTS To what looks like a legislature building. Eduardo, the little boy from the first chapter, is sitting in the presidential chair- on the knee of Sark.
SARK *humming to the tune of 'A Day in the Life': I'm going to take over the world today, oh boy-
ME: Sark! We're on air! Quit it with the mangled, insinuating Beatles lyrics!
SARK: Huh? It's not my fault! *points to Eduardo* He's been playing that record from one 'Syth Colbalt' for three. . . straight. . . hours. . . *whimpers*
ME: Sark. . . aHEM!
SARK: *snaps back to attention* Oh, yes- the progress. Eduardo has made *great* progress here. Thanks to your donations, he's gone from being your average poor kid to a pawn in a twisted World Domination Plot.
ME: Sark, you cursed idiot- I mean, now let's check up on our favorite little Chinese boy: Xiang Ming!
~~~~
SCENE CUTS To a room in a Pagoda. A young, decidedly un- Chinese redheaded boy is wearing an orange robe and meditating Buddhist- style. Beside him, in an orange- and- green polka dotted robe is. . . Sark.
ME: Sark! Isn't it amazing how quickly you went from Puerto Rico to Manchuria?
SARK: Not really, considering we're at the Epcot centre.
ME: Sark, darling- you're not at the Epcot centre.
SARK: Yes, I am.
ME: No, you're not. You're in China.
SARK: But we're not! The Chinese government wouldn't let us in! They called us. . . quacks! We had to go to Disney World! *starts bawling*
ME: My, you're emotionally fragile today. Please tell us about the progress Xiang Ming has made.
SARK: This isn't Xiang Ming. This is a just a kid we bribed to do our infomercial.
KID: I WANT MY OREOS!
ME: What did ya do, eat truth serum?! You're a failure to con artists! Your mother would be ashamed to look at you!
SARK's eyes then get more teary. He begins to look rather like an anime character.
CHIBI-SARK: We didn't make any progress. *sniff* Because- because this is a all a corrupt front! It's not right!
ME: Thank you, Sark. But anyway, if you've made no progress, we have to move on to Olga. I hear the viewers don't like non- success stories. Something about associating negative emotions with the show. . .
ARAGORN: My therapist said something like that last week.
ME: Really? We must go to the same one. Dark hair, pointy ears, scar on the cheek? Keeps talking about how women need an expanded role in life?
ARAGORN: Yep, that's the one. *Twilight Zone music starts randomly playing*
ME: Weird. .. heh heh- let's move on to Olga now.
~~~~
CUTS TO a small, dark room. A little blond girl is sitting at a table. Alone. She is playing with a gold coin.
ME: Olga has received many *wonderful* donations- navy bombers from Astrid Tinuvial, who is STILL trying to kiss Aragorn, and um. . .60 pieces of gold and a magic ring from Artemis & Bilbo.
*suddenly, the door to the room opens. In walks COUNT DRACULA.*
DRACULA: So, you think you can get away with trying to conquer Wallacia?
OLGA*in a small, cute, disturbingly evil voice*: Zhes, I can. In fact, mein planes are headed that way now. *smiles sweetly*
DRACULA: NOOOO! Call them off! Please! And why do you have a German accent?
OLGA: Having der German accent makes me zound more like ze villain I aspire to be.
DRACULA: *stares*
OLGA: Anyvay, I vill stop ze planes. . . on vun condition. Beat me at der arm wrestling!
DRACULA*very relieved*: Whew. I thought you were going to make me sing showtunes. MWA HA HA HA HA!
OLGA: *Looks disappointed she hadn't thought of that earlier*
DRACULA*sits down*: OK, little girl. You don't stand a chance against my superhuman, undead arm strength.
OLGA: No, not normally. . . but I can CHEAT! *pulls out the gold crucifix and waves it in his face*
DRACULA: *hastily puts on sunglasses.* Puh-leeze. So cliché.
ME: Hey, didn't we sell that?
OLGA*evil smirk*: Darn. Count, you leave me with no choice. *blinks, sniffs*
DRACULA: No. . . NO. . . NO!!! NOT THAT. . .
OLGA: WAHHHH!
DRACULA: No! No! Make it stop!
*Olga continues crying with a vengeance. The Count covers his ears, and, loudly singing Rogers & Hammerstein bits, backs out the door.*
DRACULA: DO, A DEER, A FEMALE DEER, RE, A DROP OF GOLDEN SUN. . .
ME: There he goes again, SPEAKING IN CAPITALS! *massages temples* Oy. . . anyway, we're going to check up on Anwar now. He has received ONE donation, orcs from Astrid Tinuvial. Of course, we've spread a few of the unspecific donations around. Some went to Anwar, some went to the phone people, some went to the Russian Mafia- here's Anwar.
~~~
SCENE CUTS TO… a very, very odd picture. Orcs and mutant McNugget robots are standing in formation Nazi- style in the middle of the desert, listening to a militant speech given by. . . the Easter Bunny? And not the cute Easter Bunny we all knew and loved (we all love a bringer of chocolate); this is Easter Bunny gone radical. The fur on top of his head is in a buzz cut, and he's wearing a bandanna. He is clutching a rubber ducky.
EASTER BUNNY: Arise, reviled and under- appreciated extras! *squeaks rubber ducky*
ME: Hold on! I thought you were a benevolent figure!
EASTER BUNNY: That was before… do you have any idea what it feels like to bring those little chocolate eggs to children all over the world, day and night, and never *squeak* get to *squeak* try one? Do you know how frustrating that *squeak* is? My only friend was the *squeak*ing TRIX BUNNY! Well, after all those years of mindless subservience, I finally took a little bite… and do you know what I found out? Those eggs SUCK! *squeak* They're AWFUL! My only dream in life was to try one of those delicious chocolate eggs. Now, *squeak* all my dreams are shattered. I have nothing to lose, baby!
ME: My God, the Easter Bunny has gone mad and mobilized a fighting force… ah, well, it's a known fact that if you leave the donations alone, they'll try to take over the world on their own, eh, UPS guy! *disgruntled expression* Oh, yeah, credit time: The wacko Easter Bunny was donated by Sqwonk, the orcs are from Astrid Tinuvial, the rubber ducky is from Armand and Draculena, the McNugget robots are partially from StrawberryChick and partially from Syth Colbalt and Elenea, both of whom donated McDonald's toys. StrawberryChick's insanely intelligent German Shepard somehow got to Egypt and made them ALL into mutant robots. So now it's explained- back to the negotiations.
ME: Easter Bunny-
EASTER BUNNY: No more 'Easter Bunny' for me! I shall now be known as 'The Great Supreme Guerrilla Rabbit!'
ME: Man, you really need help in the naming department. My co- host here has written a book you might find useful in your quest for, well, whatever you're trying to do.
ARAGORN: Darn straight! You can buy 'Strider's Big Book of Names' at your local Price Mart, Wal-Mart, Chapters, or Piggly Wiggly.
EASTER BUNNY, dumbfounded: There's a store called Piggly Wiggly? (A/N: This is true. I kid you not.)
ARAGORN: Well, I suggested they rename it 'The Rooting Pig', but they didn't care too much for that idea.
EASTER BUNNY: No kidding.
ARAGORN: Are you insulting my naming abilities?!
EASTER BUNNY: What naming abilities?
ME: *sniff* sarcasm… I'm so proud of you… but anyway, we're on live TV here. Let me talk to Anwar.
EASTER BUNNY: That's all you want? ANWAR? I'm the one controlling this hostage situation. I'm the one you need to negotiate with. I'm the one- *he suddenly looks quite sleepy and falls over with a thud. Anwar, holding a hypospray, is standing behind him.*
ANWAR*furrows brow*: Why is there a camera here?
ME: The same reason you have a hypospray, honey. . . donations! I mean, thank goodness you're safe! Tell us about how far you've come from being an underprivileged shoeblack!
ANWAR*puzzled*: I was never an underp-
ME*quickly*: Yes you were. The memories must be so awful your little brain repressed them. But I doesn't matter now- the we're going to find a kind, kind person to sponsor you, and this will all be just a bad memory...
*suddenly, a large, fluffy shape with a buzz cut comes up behind Anwar. All feed is cut off.*
ME*nervous*: Oh, looks like the Easter Bunny woke up. *to camera* Anyway, instead of the normal donating, we're looking for sponsors this week. The child with the most sponsors will surely take over the world, so give generously! Like they say, giving is a very gratifying experience, especially when it's to children...
CUTS TO Commercials.
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A/N: This is a redo of chapter 6- we already have two sponsors, Artemis (Xiang Ming) and Elenea (Olga).
SPONSOR GUIDELINES:
- You can sponsor only one child
- You have to state clearly the name of the child, ex. "I want to sponsor Olga."
- Not a guideline, but a request from the author: please say a bit about the story as well as your donation. Thank you.