Scene 6:

[The Merry-men walk on from the side of the hall and approach the guard.]

Little John: Hello, we're the Merry-men. We're here for the award ceremony.

Guard: [Looks quickly at his paper.] I'm sorry but you're not on the list.

Will Scarlet: Are you sure?

Guard: [Checks again.] Quite sure.

Friar Tuck: Well can you tell us who is on the list?

Guard: Not unless you're on the list, which you aren't. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Little John: Don't worry men I expected this. Onto Plan B.

[Merry-men troop off. Soon afterwards they return carrying teddy bears.]

Little John: Hi, I'm Peter Pan and these are my lost boys.

Guard: [squints] You look remarkably familiar.

Bradley: Oh no, we're definitely not the Merry-men.

Guard: Some of your boys there have beards.

Errol: So?

Guard: So technically speaking they're too old to be boys.

Errol: I wouldn't say that too loud mate. That's ageist that is!

Guard: Well however old you are you aren't on the list. Please leave.

Little John: I was expecting that as well. Don't worry Plan C is much more cunning.

[Merry men troop off again. Then return wearing saucepans on their heads and wielding cardboard swords.]

Little John: I am Lancelot and these are my Knights of the Round Table.

Guard: Didn't you run off with King Arthur's wife?

Little John: Did I? Oh…yes. Sorry about that.

Guard: You're not on the list.

Brian: Really?

Guard: Yes really.

Little John: Hmmm. Unfortunately for us this guard appears to have more than the two brain cells required as standard for a security guard. It seems we may have to get even more cunning. But don't worry, I have the perfect solution! On to Plan D.

[Merry Men leave. ]

Deep Voiced Narrator: At that moment the writers realised that they had run out of cunning disguises for the Merry Men and jumped through a convenient plot hold, forward ten minuters and onto the arrival of the heroes.

[Heroes walk in from the back of the hall through the audience. Across the stage is a large banner reading "Welcome Heroes to your finest hour"]

Lucy: Gosh! Look at all these people.

[They climb onto the stage and look around.]

Robin Hood: They're here to see me. [Other heroes groan] Funny though there doesn't seem to be the number of celebrities you'd expect to see at such an event. Except me of course.

Peter: Actually he's right.

Frodo: He's what? Robin's not a celebrity.

Robin: [hurt] Hey!

Frodo: Well you aren't. But neither is Simple Simon over there. [blankness.] Robin Hood?

Peter: That's not what I was talking about. Where are all the celebrities?

Sleepy: Maybe they're coming later.

Peter: Maybe.

Edmund: [getting distracted] Golly-gosh, refreshments! Sardine sandwiches, with lashings of ginger beer. What luck!

Arthur: Sorry if I'm getting confused, but isn't it the Famous Five who drinks ginger beer?

Edmund: I don't know. Aren't we the same people?

Arthur: There being only four of you, I should think not.

Edmund: But weren't there only four in the Famous Five as well?

Arthur: In what possible way would that make sense?

Edmund: [thinks] Maybe they just preferred the number five. [pause] Can we have ginger beer anyway?

Deep Voiced Narrator: But just as our heroes were starting to get comfortable…

Grumpy: Look, he's doing it again. He's trying to butt in on the story!

Deep Voiced Narrator: But I'm part of the plot!

Grumpy: But you do this every time!

Deep Voiced Narrator: It's necessary! Can I do my line please?

Grumpy: [sulkily] I suppose so.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Thank you. [pause] But just as our heroes were starting to get comfortable…

Robin Hood: I like the banner but where're the trophies.

Scott Evil: [entering from the side] There are no trophies.

Batman: Are you sure?

Cat woman: Quite sure.

Robin: Then the narrator lied to us!

Deep Voiced Narrator: I did not! I simply read what was on the letter.

[long pause as the heroes try and figure out what's happening. Scott Evil and the villains try to help them out etc]

Arthur: So…

Scott Evil: Come on…

Arthur: The letter lied to us?

Sheriff: In a manner of speaking. [He walks over to the banner and pulls away the word finest to reveal final. Several guards enter and tie the heroes together. Scott Evil pulls a gun from his belt and aims it at Robin Hood.]

Scott Evil: Goodbye Robin.

Robin: [terrified] Goodbye.

Scott Evil: [scornfully] Not you. Why would I execute you first?

Robin: I don't know. How am I supposed to see inside the mind of a criminal mastermind? I'm just a dim but loveable sidekick.

Robin Hood: I thought we agreed that I was Robin.

Sam: No, you're Rob.

Robin Hood: Are you sure?

Sam: To be honest… no. But we had a talk and you're Robin…Rob. When we free ourselves I'll get you a nametag.

Scott Evil: Look whoever you are I'm going to shoot you now so it doesn't really matter whether you buy name tags or not, as you'll be dead in about ten seconds.

Batman: Wait a moment…aren't you going to leave us in an easily escapable situation with one inept guard?

Scott Evil: No I don't think so. I tried that in the last movie with Powers and it didn't work out.

Happy: [hopefully] You could try again.

Scott Evil: No, I don't think so.

Deep Voiced Narrator: Luckily, while Scott Evil was distracted, Robin Hood was thinking up a cunning plan…

Robin Hood: Was I?

Deep Voiced Narrator: Yes you are.

Robin Hood: Oh. Isn't that nice? [pause] What is it?

Deep Voiced Narrator: How should I know? I'm only the narrator. The plan is up to you.

Robin Hood: Oh dear. Ummmm…would something involving spoons work?

Susan: Of course not! How could spoons possibly help us?

Robin Hood: I don't know! I was hoping you could tell me. Maybe we could…

Scott Evil: Your time's run out, Mr. Hood. Prepare to die!

[black out.]

[artificial rewinding noise]

[light up]

Bashful: Oh my god what's that?

Dracula: You don't really think ve're going to fall for that do you?

Dopey: You might. It was worth a go.

Scott Evil: [levelling gun] Prepare to die!

[black out]

[rewinding noise plays again]

[light up]

Deep Voiced Narrator: [pointedly] Luckily, while Scott Evil was distracted, who should appear but the Merry Men!

[enter Merry Men wearing black sheets]

Little John: [high pitched voice.] Hello, we're the nuns from Sister Act.

Guard: But you're men.

Kevin: So? Just because I'm a man does that mean I don't have the right to be a woman if I choose?

Guard: Well…yes.

Kevin: That's discrimination that is! You know what, I've had enough of you, can't be boys you're too old, can't be knights that's not a real sword…

Guard: I never said that.

Cary: You're only making it worse for yourself you know.

Brian: I'm sure somewhere in America there's a lawyer who will take up our case. I want to sue!

Guard: [hurriedly] Er… please go right through sir…I mean Madame…

Brian: Thankyou.

[Merry men hurry onstage and draw their swords]

Little John: Scott Evil, your dastardly plan is foiled!

Scott Evil: No, this isn't right! I could've already killed Robin Hood in at least two alternative dimensions. You're cheating.

Arthur: I always cheat.

Scott Evil: Not you!

Deep Voiced Narrator: Actually yes, I am cheating. Sorry villains, but the rules of storytelling clearly state that no matter what the odds, evil can never win. Good must always triumph!

Sheriff: But that's not fair!

Deep Voiced Narrator: It doesn't have to be fair. It's a story. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more lives to ruin. Dreams to crush. Jumpers to insult…

[in the meantime, the goodies have been untied. Robin draws his sword and holds it to Scott Evil's throat]

Robin Hood: I have defeated you, Scott Evil! You may have thought you had prevailed, but I, with my bravery, wit and cunning, have won through at last!

[Merry men groan]

Scott Evil: Are you going to kill me?

Robin Hood: No, I'm not that kind of guy. Instead, I have thought up a hideous punishment for you!

Saruman: No, you're not going to lock us in a room with "Consider Yourself" playing on a continuous loop?

Arthur: Actually, no. But that's even better. Lets do that!

[cries of Nooooooo etc. from the baddies]

Wicked Queen: [throwing herself to the ground] Please no, not that! We'll do anything! Anything!

Batman: [considering] Too late.

[amidst cries of anguish from the baddies, the goodies turn to audience and proceed to sing and dance 'Consider Yourself'. On closing notes, black out]