A Different Shade of Gray

"Ok, " Buffy sighs. Xander is sitting next to her on the step. His anger has given way to disbelief and he is mumbling to himself, shaking his head to clear it. "Look...Xan." Her voice is calm but firm. "First of all...what the hell and secondly...what gives you the right?" Xander snaps around to look at her. He can't believe she's angry with him. I'm the one that gets to be angry here.

"What gives me the right?" He glares at her, his mouth hangs open in an 'as-if' expression.

"Yes! What, d'you think that that was okay?"

"I what, questioned your sanity? Too damn bad, 'cause right now, I'm still questioning, Buffy."

"You were eavesdropping!"

"I was – was WHAT?" His nostrils flare and the heat is rising from his neck again.

"Xander, this is my house – MY house and I am entitled to have a private conversation with whomever I choose."

"Ssspike" he hissed, "is NOT a whom." He's barely a 'what'. "I don't care if he has a soul, Buffy. He's a killer. Plain and simple. And you of all people shouldn't be alone with him. He shouldn't even be here, in this house. He's evil."

"Oh really?" Buffy still can't believe Xander's world could be so black and white. Even after Anya, he has no room for the gray.

"He can't help it, h-h- he's a vampire, Buff...a demon!" Xander doesn't understand why the hell she can't see that.

"A demon."

"Yes, a demon." Maybe she gets it? Not betting on it.

"You mean like Anya?" Buffy knows she's hitting below the belt, but she doesn't know how else to get Xander out of this delusion that life is so cut and dry.

"N-no that's different." Whenever anyone reminds him of Anya's past, Xander finds it tough to come up with a plausible defense. "That's not who she is anymore."

"Exactly." Buffy thought her point was well made.

"Don't try to tell me that she and Spike are alike, Buff. I won't sit here and listen to that crap."

"Why is that so hard for you to understand?" Buffy is running out of arguments, but she's determined not to lose her friend.

"Why?" Xander holds out his left hand. "Anya – EX-demon. Ex, get it? And Spike?" He holds out his right hand. "Hmmm...let's see, yep STILL a vampire. Any questions?"

Buffy resists the urge to get up right then and walk away. She can feel Spike on the other side of the backdoor and she wants nothing more than to go to him. Xander has worn her patience thin, but she decides to give it one last try.

Go upstairs, babe. I'll meet you there shortly. Alright, pet.

She takes Xander's hands into her own and places them on her lap, forcing him to look at her full on.

"Xander." She searches for the right words. "You love Anya...still, right?" He hesitates and then nods slowly. Pain alters his expression a bit, but it doesn't quell the anger and frustration. "Did you love her when you left her at the alter?" At that he tries to pull away, but Buffy carefully uses her slayer strength to keep him there.

"Yes, I did." He answers reluctantly, defeated. "Do you have a point here that doesn't lead to 'I love Spike'"? Buffy squeezes her eyes shut and smiles bitterly.

"No, I don't" she says looking directly at him, her chin raised in determination. Xander does break away from her then and resumes his head shaking. It's not clearing him up, though. She smoothes her hand across his back, trying to soften what she is about to say. He's painfully aware of how much he loves the girl beside him and is relieved to find that she feels the same. He was beginning to think that her friends had become inconsequential.

"I do love him, Xan." His eyes close as he suppresses the urge to shout at her again. "I know you don't understand it. I don't really understand it myself," she says more to herself than to him. "Well, maybe I do." She smiles, but then realizes that Xander doesn't know the man that's upstairs in her room. "He's done a lot for me, Xan."

She reflects on her earlier conversation that took place on these very steps. They had become her confessional.

I know that it hasn't been easy for you, Spike.

"Phht...never been one to take the easy way."

Oh please, yes you were.

"Yeah, I was...but not with this. I'd do anything..."

I know. You've done everything.

"And we haven't?" Xander looks at her. "Your friends? Y'know, the ones that really love you and not for any vicious, self-serving reason?" He is desperate to get through to her, as much she is to get through to him.

"What selfish reason does Spike have for loving me, Xan? What reason could he possibly have for saving my life? Dawn's life? Giles? Will's?" She hesitates, exasperated. "Yours, Xan?" He turns his head away, letting out a stunted laugh.

"Mine?" He looks at her for confirmation. He begins to recall the blonde vampire swinging to the rescue a few times, but quickly dismisses it. "When did he ever..."

"More times than I can count, Xander." She smiles because she knows that it's beginning...beginning...to seep in: that gray.

TBC