Enjoy!
DarknessI don't think I can do this.
Spike is in the eye of a storm. When he takes his hands away from his face, he can see her. She is standing on a precipice. In front of her is he. Behind her is the battle that is to come. He doesn't know which is worse.
"Buffy, I-" he's desperate to find the words. He is afraid, truly, horribly afraid for the first time in his existence. He doesn't want to leave, but everything within him demands that he does. He must leave and not bring her anymore harm. Never again. This isn't safe. I'm not safe.
Buffy is on the verge of screaming. Why, WHY do they leave? Everyone leaves. Mom, Angel, Riley…wh-what is so wrong about me that they-
"S'not safe…you…me. S'not…can't do it." He mumbles, his head hanging low.
Buffy is awash in a river of salty tears. She cannot hear him; she is consumed by her own thoughts. Leaving. Leaving. Leaving.
Spike' s heart, which was full of joy a moment ago, is now a lead weight on his soul. It is breaking, for the last and final time. He must leave the only thing he's ever loved to keep her safe. Her and his little one. But when he looks up at her, he doesn't see the sadness he expected, he sees…he sees…
"Buffy…love…Buffy…breathe." Her sobs are shaking her frame and she is gasping for breath. Instinctively Spike closes the gap between them and takes her in his arms. He wraps himself around her, stroking her hair and whispering in her ear. "Breathe, baby…PLEASE…you're scarin' me."
Buffy isn't aware of what's happening. She is grasping onto Spike's leather, her legs are no longer holding her weight. He scoops her up and lays her on the bed.
"BUFFY! Stop this! Stop! Breathe!" He whispers in screams. He places his cool hands on her face, smoothing away the torrent of tears. He has never known his Slayer to be so affected. It shakes him to his very core. Any thoughts he had of leaving are quickly decimated and he is berating himself for having entertained them. He would not leave her. Not ever. Not even if she-
"Buffy…I'm sorry, babe. So sorry. Please…please calm down. I'm here. I'm here. I promise, I'll always be here. Please." She isn't responding. Her breaths are coming in short hitches. Her eyes are wide open and she is staring past him.
Spike can feel his anger brimming. What did I do? Stupid. Stupid!
"Buffy," he positions his face directly above hers. "Buffy." His voice is barely above a whisper. "I love you…I'll never leave."
Her eyes shift their focus from empty space to him. She blinks and fresh tears slide down her cheeks to the pillows.
"Yeah, that's right, pet." He continues to smooth her hair back, wipe her face. He ventures a small smile. She just blinks, staring at him as if he were something foreign, something unknown.
"I could never leave you, love" he confesses. "You're my whole bloody world, remember?" Buffy swallows hard. Spike brushes his fingers down her throat. Her breathing is almost normal now. "Yeah, that's it. Come back to me, baby."
Buffy blinks several times and tries to speak, but only small sounds escape from her throat. She sits up a bit and Spike stays with her, soothing and comforting her with words and touches. He hands her a glass of water from her nightstand.
"Take a swig." He's gentle and smiling now, oblivious to the turmoil inside. It's insignificant if it means deserting her now. Whatever she wants of him, he would gladly give with no thought of himself. Friend, fighter, trainer…whatever. He is hers to do with as she pleases. And he will never let anything harm her or those she loves as long is he is around.
"Y-you're leaving." She states softly.
"No. Never." He takes the glass from her and holds her hand, bringing it to his lips for a kiss.
"You said-"
"I was stupid, out of my bleedin' gourd. Forget I said anything, ok?"
"Forget everything?"
"Yeah, I'm not leavin' you and the nibblet." He smiles in relief.
She smiles a small smile. "Forget everything?" He nods. "Even the part when you said I-I love you?"
Spike's expression suddenly turns serious. "Not that, no." He touches his forehead to hers. "Never forget that."
They close their eyes and sit that way for a few moments. Hands clasped, foreheads touching, eyes closed. Buffy is the one that breaks away. She looks at Spike and he opens his eyes. She smiles and looks down bashfully.
"I'm…sorry. I must seem…so weak. I-"
"No…no-" he interrupts her, placing his hand on the back of her neck. "You're under a lot of pressure, Slayer. You don't need some stupid git like me mucking things up even more." She starts. "But if you want me around, I'm here for the long haul. We'll fight together, you and me, wha'ever happens."
"Whatever happens." She smiles a warm genuine smile and it warms him like a steady fire. "And never forget I love you."
"That's right, never forget I love you." He reassures her.
"No, William, never forget I love you."
Buffy can't recall ever noting the vast range of human emotions. She is sure that she is seeing a great many of them as her words sink into Spike's brain. Never forget I love you. Whatever is racing through him ends up on his lips as the most radiant smile she's ever seen.
"Wha'? but you…you said…"
"I said I love you. No ifs, ands or buts." She cups his face in her hand.
"I…I…uh…mmmm" he closes his eyes as the tears threaten to spill. Dreamin'. Must be. He opens them again and, yes, she's still there.
"Uhmmm…Buffy…I-" Get it together man. "I thought…y-you said before…earlier…you weren't sure."
"I was sure, Spike." She brushes away his tears. "I just wasn't brave."
"Bloody hell, slayer." Spike is laughing through his tears. He places his hands on her hips. "You're the bravest…most unbelievably beautiful…most courageous…most heavenly creature…ever-" He settles down and looks deep into her. She is obviously overwhelmed by his words, his exclamation. "Ever to walk this earth." He finishes softly.
"Spike, I-" No clever response. She is overcome with the incredible feeling of being loved, truly loved. It's like the dam has burst on a vast river of goodwill and kindness and she is the sole recipient.
Spike has a look of complete awe and wonder and Buffy's heart swells. "You love me." She nods, smiling.
I love this man and together we can get through this.
Yes. He responds to her without words. We can, love.
They smile into each other's eyes. Buffy leans into him and their lips touch. The kisses this time are feather-like and soft like tears. They are honey kisses that last through most of the night.
At last, near dawn, they curl up on the bed and fall asleep in each other's arms. Their intimacy is limited to kisses and thoughts, but it is as close as either of them has ever been to pure ecstasy.
They sleep peacefully, no nightmares to disturb them. No voices from the corners and recesses of their minds. They sleep the sleep of the forgiven.
They know that tomorrow they will wake up from the darkness and into the light and face the world together.
TBC