Author: Xionin
Rating: PG [this chapter]
Pairing: Buffy/Spike. Other major characters included.
Feedback: Pretty please?
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN and Fox. **I write with spoilers in mind, so if you want to remain unspoiled, I suggest you wait until the series finale to read this story.**
Thank yous: Welcome aboard to Miss Kitty, the world's greatest beta! Thanks to everyone that's reviewed so far, you're so very kind. Lia – it has been a tough season, hasn't it? And, unfortunately, I don't hold high hopes for Spike in the final episodes. Crazedvamp – I hope this chapter answers your question, somewhat. Wolf116 – glad I could make you smile! Enjoy! ~Xionin
Fall Out
Buffy walks up to her door and opens it, walking through, her steps slowed by exhaustion. She is holding Spike's hand as he follows her, but he stops at the threshold of her door, allowing her hand to tug at him for a moment until she turns back to him, perplexed.
He really wants to step inside, but to cross that line…knowing.
"Spike?" Buffy's voice is weary, it snaps him out of his reflection. "What's up? What happened downstairs?"
"Nothin' luv…jus-" he sighs and forces a smile. "Jus tired, is all." But he still doesn't move. He stands, as if frozen, just outside of his heaven: her room. Her world. Her.
He wants to feel angry, with the witch, with Willow. He understands with painful clarity what the phrase 'Ignorance is bliss' really means. If he could…if he…if only he could go back. A few hours even. Go back in time and not know the vision.
Buffy in Angel's arms. Angel! Always Angel.
"S-Spike…" Buffy moves toward him slowly. He is staring beyond her and she wonders what the hell-"Spike, you're all moody. Don't tell me it's nothing. What happened with you?" He suddenly notices her. "Was it Giles? Willow?" His eyes widen at the mention of the redhead. "It was Willow? What did she- did she hurt…"
"Pet." He has to clear his throat; it's so dry…parched. She crosses over to him, stopping just in front. Her eyes are so soft, her demeanor so gentle, so loving. Spike feels…bitter. He inadvertently takes a small step back. Buffy frowns and her eyes dart over his frame in an attempt to understand whatever it is that's going on.
"Sp-"
"I-I should go, Buff" He is unable to look her in the eye.
"Go?" She reaches up to touch his face but he flinches. "Wh-Spike. What the hell is going on?" Her tone is slightly harder, her nostrils flaring as her impatience stirs.
"Look, pet, a lot has happened. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful-"
"Grateful?" Buffy huffs and steps back from him.
"I mean-" he lets out a deep sigh. "I don't think I could ever express how much it means to me, luv, being here with you." She relaxes a little and smiles, but he continues. "I never thought…I didn't think you and I would ever get to this place, y'know?" She nods.
"Spike, do you wanna come in here and we can talk ab-"
"No…no, bad idea, that." He laughs nervously and ignores the lump of pain building in the back of his throat. She shrugs her shoulders in a question. "Let me finish." She nods, leaning against the doorframe. Her expression is so full of love and patience that he almost gives in. Almost.
"Like I said, I never thought that we'd be in this place…that you'd let me get this close. And yeah, I'm grateful. But my eyes are clear, luv." She tenses up and he runs his hand lightly down her arm and takes her hand. She looks down as her fingers lace through his.
"I'm here for you, Buffy, always." She smiles, but doesn't look up. "I'll always love you…no matter what." At that she does look up and she catches the tears in his eyes.
"Spike." She breaks their contact and raises both of her hands to his cheeks, wiping the tears. "What's this all about?"
"Luv…I know I'll never be enough for you…and I don't want you to settle…for less than you deserve." His voice is faltering, the tears threatening to engulf him. Buffy really wishes that they were in her room and not halfway in the hall.
"Spike, why are you saying this? I thought we…I thought we were better." She tries to make eye contact with him, but he refuses.
"We are…we're better." He chokes out a bitter laugh. "We're better than I ever thought we'd be, luv. Better than I deserve."
Buffy's hands drop and she starts to speak, but no words come. She turns from him, back into the room, mumbling to herself and shaking her head. Finally, she turns back.
"What is going on with you!?" She is clearly annoyed. Spike is suddenly unsure and he shifts from foot to foot, shoving his hands into his pockets. "What did they say to you down there? Huh?"
"S'not what anyone said, luv. I know you. I'm just saying that our friendship is important to me and I don't want to muddy it up by doing something we'll both regret later." Maybe she'll understand, now, and not see how much this is killing him.
"Our...friendship?" Buffy does a perfect impersonation of a codfish. "Is that what this is?" Her shoulders slump, defeated as the air leaks out of her annoyance.
"Not just that, luv," he whispers. "You mean the world to me. I don't want to risk hurting you again." He pauses, taking a deep breath to prepare for his admission, "and…I…I can't risk being hurt again."
Buffy blinks once, twice and then her hands cover her face. The urge to walk to her and take her in his arms is bloody overwhelming, but Spike doesn't move. Buffy calms herself and takes her hands down. The tears aren't falling, but her face is wet.
"Ok. I understand." She offers a small smile. He struggles to return it.
"Well…I uh…better" he gestures over his shoulder.
"Yeah…uh…I'll see you…um…tomorrow."
They stare at each other a few moments, neither wanting to move. Neither knowing what to say. Neither knowing what just happened. Spike turns to go.
"Spike?"
"Yes?"
"When did you fall in love with me?"
Wasn't expecting that…bugger. This is hard enough. Ah well. He clears his throat.
"The first moment I saw you, luv. All tough and soft, and fire and ice." His posture and voice soften as his memories come flooding back. He leans against the doorframe and she takes a few steps towards him. Blue meets green as he continues.
"You…were…the end of me, Slayer. I came to kill you, but you did me in." He chuckles. She smiles up at him, leaning her head on the other side of the doorframe. "You were…are…the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. You melted and reformed me with one glance." He reaches up and cups her face in his hand, his eyes misting again.
"And…" her expression saddens considerably. "When…when did you fall out?" It is almost a whisper, but he catches it. He straightens and brushes his fingers over her brow, which relaxes. He leans in and places a soft, chaste kiss on her temple. "You see when it comes to you, Buffy Summers" he whispers in her ear. "You don't fall out."
Before she can respond, he turns and walks down the stairs. She closes her bedroom door and sits on the floor against it, the tears spilling once more.
"Don't ever fall out, Spike. Never fall out."
TBC