Title: Nothing Achieving (Chapter 17 of Don't Stop the Dance)
Giles and Wood have a little chat.
Author: Xionin
Rating: PG-13 [this chapter]
Pairing: Buffy/Spike. Other major characters included.
Feedback: Pretty please!
Pin – I got your angst right here. I promise it will be a fun ride. Albie – Your words melt my heart. Thank you so very much. Suni – I couldn't agree with you more. I do believe that Buffy loves Spike, but I don't think she is capable of the kind of love he is offering her...not yet, anyway. She needs to finish baking first. ;^]
Disclaimer: I'm so mad at Joss right now. He used up the last of the toothpaste and just left me and empty tube. Doesn't he realize how inconsiderate that is? I know what I'll do; I'll use up all of his Spike just to spite him. So there!
Thank Yous: Miss Kitty a/k/a Super Beta! [soooo glad you're back]
Enjoy! ~Xionin
Nothing Achieving
Motel rooms have a unique scent in the United States.
It's a combination of the smell the sheets have from the linen service, the leftover residue from the expelled air of the vacuum that housekeeping uses, the sickeningly sweet industrial air freshener in the bathroom and years upon years of human occupancy and....activity....in the room veiled by feeble attempts at sanitization.
Giles doesn't notice any of this though, as he sits on the edge of the firm mattress clutching a small glass of brandy. The only light in the room is the one by the door that he'd turned on when he walked in. The only noises are coming from outside as cars pass by on the nearby road. Headlights throw accusatory shadows across the pale paisley walls every 30 seconds or so. More than enough time for Giles to play judge and jury to himself over and over and pass down the differing sentences.
Damn.
It's a thought not fueled by anger, but rather by shame. Giles is ashamed that he allowed his fear and desperation to get the better of him. How had he allowed Wood to convince him to deceive his Slayer? Of course he sympathized with the man over the loss of his mother. And his mother, Nikki Wood, had been a legendary Slayer. Spike was certainly guilty of the crime, but...
Is Spike the same being that killed Nikki Wood?
"Oh God." Giles whispers the phrase as if it will lift the weight of trepidation from his chest. He swallows a mouthful of the brown liquid, willing it to burn away the sickness he feels inside.
"Spike has..." a soul. He cannot even allow himself to say it out loud. It's something that he's barely been able to comprehend. He'd thought, at first, that it was a ruse to get back into Buffy's good graces but the changes are unmistakable. Spike has a soul. Everything that Giles knows from the earliest of his Watcher training to his experience with the only other ensouled vampire he's encountered, Angel, tells him that the soul makes all the difference in the world.
"Spike has a soul. He can't be held responsible for..." He gets up off the bed and walks over to the desk where the bottle of alcohol sits glistening in the ambient light. He sets his glass down beside it and is tempted to refill it. Several times.
"Why do I hold him responsible for everything the demon did?" He pulls out the chair and sits facing the window, watching the world pass by in the yellow street lamps. He exhales deeply and rests on the back of the chair. "It's because he hurt Buffy."
Buffy never told him everything that had happened between them, but he knew. Spike had hurt her. He also knew that Buffy hadn't been innocent in their...relationship. He had been so blind to it all, that's what frustrates him the most. He hadn't been there, leaving Sunnydale because he thought she needed to stand on her own. He loves her so very much and it killed him to leave her, but he'd thought it best.
But now he watches every move that they make. Every glance. Every accidental touch. Even before she'd admitted to caring for the vampire, he'd seen it. She'd dismissed keeping him around as just giving Spike a chance to redeem himself, but Giles knows it is more. He's tried to warn her, but warning Buffy against something is like giving her carte blanche to charge straight into whatever you're attempting to shield her from.
Perhaps a little reverse psychology would have worked with her. He chuckles mirthlessly, filling the glass and taking a deep draft.
I think you've taught me all I need to know.
Those words stung him more than any phrase he'd ever heard. She felt betrayed. Of course she does. He knew that she would be upset, livid even, but he'd hoped that she would see reason. Hoped that she could understand that he had done what he thought was best. What he hadn't accounted for was Wood's failure. Then again, thank God for his ineptness. If the plan had succeeded, who knows what state Buffy would be in to lead them into battle with the First. Liability or no, Buffy only sees Spike as an asset. Wood doesn't care about that, however. Was the man even still alive?
Oh God!
Giles jumps up and grabs his jacket, searching through the pockets for the piece of paper with Wood's address on it. Snatching up his room key he heads out the door, jumping into the first cab that passes.
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When he arrives outside Wood's place, he hesitates. He doesn't want to know, suddenly. Dead or alive, it could change things. If Wood is dead then Spike will have to go down, no matter what Buffy thinks. And she would most likely view Wood's murder as self-defense, since Spike had been lured here.
If Wood is alive it could mean something entirely different.
Giles rings the doorbell. There's no answer after half a minute or so. He rings it again. Slowly the door opens. Wood is standing in a t-shirt and sweats. He is battered. One eye is swollen shut and the other is merely a slit. There's a cut on his lip and a small bandage over his left eye.
"Good lord." Giles mutters.
"Yeah." Wood steps back and allows the older man entrance. "Something like that."
Giles steps through the door and Wood closes it behind him. They move silently to the middle of the room, Giles watching the young man's slow movements. Wood gestures for Giles to sit.
"I'd offer you something to drink, but..." he falters, lowering himself gingerly into a chair filled with various pillows.
Giles raises an eyebrow. "Err, n-no thanks. I understand." He stares at the pillows.
"They soften the weight on the bruises." Wood winces as he finally settles into the chair.
"Ah, I see." Giles sits on the couch, nervously looking around. "Glad to see you're still alive, although I'm not sure why or how. Did Buffy...I mean...did she-"
"Save me?" Wood's lips curl into a sardonic smile.
"Uhh...yes." Giles' confusion at the man's expression tilts his head.
"No. The Slayer didn't rush to my rescue." Wood says bitterly. "Spike spared me."
Giles' eyebrows arch. "Beg your pardon?"
"That's as good a word as any." Wood's laugh turns into a cough. He reaches for a nearby glass and takes a sip. "He pardoned me. Said he would let me live because he killed my mother."
Giles sits in silence for a few moments. Spike spared his life?
"I...I see," he says quietly, contemplating the notion of a merciful Spike.
"Yeah, but that's not the best part." Wood lays his head back on a pillow.
"And er, what would that be?" Giles' head hurts from thinking. Spike spared a human life after he'd been trapped and provoked.
"Nah. The best part was Buffy." Wood waits
"Buffy? What happened with Buffy?" Giles straightens up on the couch, moving to the edge.
"Well, let's see, she basically told me that she would let her vampire kill me if I go after him again." He coughs another laugh.
Giles is stunned speechless. Good heavens! Wait, no...it makes sense. Buffy doesn't think that Spike is expendable. But to allow him to kill...that's...that's just...
"She said," Wood continues. "She said that the mission comes first and that she doesn't have time for vendettas." Both men think on that for a few moments. "She sounded a lot like my mom, or at least I think she did. It's been so long, that I'm not sure I even remember my mother as she actually was or if I just remember her as an invention of my own imagination." He sits up, with much effort, and faces Giles.
"I got quite a lesson from Spike." He looks off as if searching for something.
"How so?" Giles leans his arms on his legs, drumming his fingertips together trying to fit the pieces together in his head.
"He gave me his theory on Slayers. Said they're warriors and that nothing but the mission matters to them, no matter how much..." Wood broke off there.
"How much what?" Giles' curiosity is piqued. Spike with insight on the mind of the Slayer? How presumptuous.
"He said the Slayer can never put those she loves before the mission. Said my mother chose the mission over me, but I don't think that's what he was thinking about at the time. I think he was talking about him and Buffy."
Giles sets his jaw and drops his eyes from Wood's. Spike sparing life when it's laid out before him on a platter? Spike espousing Slayer logic?
"Tell me the truth." Wood says suddenly. "What is it between Buffy and Spike?" He levels his gaze at the Watcher who slowly returns to it. The two men stare at each other for a few moments before Giles speaks.
"I...I wish I could say I didn't know. But I do...know...now." He sinks back into the sofa and removes his glasses, closing his eyes. Robin Wood waits for him to continue.
"There's a...history between the two. I-I don't know everything, but I do know that it was sexual and...violent...on both sides. Buffy never told me the details, but I'm not an idiot. I worked it out. Spike nearly did something unspeakable. But here is where I get utterly lost." He sits up, replacing his glasses and turns to Robin. "Spike went to Africa-"
"To get a soul, I heard that song already." Robin doesn't mask the bitterness in his voice.
"Buffy told you...of course she did. She seems...proud of it...of him." Giles stares at the carpeting. Robin snorts. "She's...there's something between them. A connection, if you will. It's...very strong. She depends on him...and it's more than just an ally in this war. She...they..."
"I've seen it." Robin interrupts. Giles looks up at him. "In the basement when we rescued her friend...whats-his-name..."
"Xander" Giles offers.
"Yeah...we got there just in time. Spike-" each time he says the name there's a hitch in his breath, as if saying it causes him physical pain. "Spike came to the restaurant..."
"Yes, and I don't know how he found you. He said he could track her through her scent, which I've known vampires to do, but not across such great distances and not with all of the smells of a city to mask her trail." Giles slips into watcher-mode for a moment as he tries to process that bit of information.
"Yeah, well, he found her. We went to the school, rescued Xander." He stops to remember. "I cut him down while Buffy and Spike fought the demon girl. That's when I first realized what he was." Anger flashes through him momentarily. "Spike got thrown against the wall. Buffy killed the demon...and...instead of coming to her friend's side..." He looks at Giles.
"Buffy went to Spike first." Giles confirms.
"Yeah. I couldn't believe it. But then I saw it...the connection you're talking abut. It made me wanna throw up. How could you have let this happen? You're her Watcher for Christ's sake!" Wood's body tenses up as he confronts the man across from him. It only lasts a few moments as his energy is spent. He sags back into the cushions.
Giles lowers his head and begins to laugh. He leans back into the couch and lays his head back once more. "If you only knew..." He turns his head towards Wood again, finding his eyes. "Buffy is...she's her own Watcher. I've never been more than a glorified researcher."
"You're her Watcher, man, you should have kept her in line. Or at least taught her that fucking vampires is not in her job description." There's venom in his words, but not energy to back them up. Giles sits up suddenly, glaring at the man.
"Don't. You. Ever." He struggles to contain his rage which he knows is misdirected. "Buffy is the best Slayer the Council has ever seen. Her methods are unorthodox because she is unorthodox. She is...different. From me. From you. From your mother. I've learned a great deal simply by watching her.
"True, I haven't always approved of her methods. Quite often she scares the piss out of me with her antics, but I have always trusted her." He pauses to think about that.
"Until now." Wood says quietly.
"Until now." Giles lets go of a breath he'd been holding. "Oh...oh God." He closes his eyes and his shoulders sag, defeated.
"So 'why now?' Is that what you're asking yourself?" Wood's voice remains low.
"Yes, precisely. Why now? I don't trust Spike, but she does. I just cannot help but feel that their...relationship...is clouding her judgment. And the trigger-"
"No longer works." Wood interjects.
"What do you mean?" Giles looks at Wood perplexed.
"The trigger was broken...during..." Wood declines to tell the Watcher exactly how it was deactivated. "It's just...gone. It's gone. Not a threat anymore."
Giles is stunned but he doesn't comment. "You see...there was another...she had another relationship of which I strongly disapproved. They were...very much in love, but she was so young. He was...another...vampire." Wood reacts audibly, but Giles continues.
"He was also ensouled. He was fighting for good. Then...something...happened and he lost his soul. He turned against her and everyone she loved was endangered. Angel with the soul cared for her. Without the soul, Angelus was a monster.
"We...we were able to restore it...the soul...eventually but it meant that they could never be together. He left...went to LA. He still fights the good fight down there. She was so young...so very much in love. I thought she would crumble, but she moved on."
"You almost sound as if you believe vampires are even capable of love." Wood says, a touch of disbelief in his voice.
"Well, I wouldn't have believed it before I saw it in Angel." Giles pinches the bridge of his nose. "He made her very happy, while it lasted. Fought beside her. Believe me, when it went wrong it went very, very wrong. But when it was right...
"I haven't seen that look in her eyes since then. Only...sometimes, when she thinks no one's watching her...I see it." His voice lowers to almost a whisper.
"You think she's in love with him. Spike." Wood merely watches the older man, curious.
"I think...I think she very well may be, though she doesn't know it. And she would probably deny it. She holds every one of her relationships up in comparison to what she had with Angel. Theirs was doomed from the start, which I'm sure made it all the more intense. And you know...first love." Wood nods.
"But this connection that she has with Spike. I've never seen anything like it. It's...well it's frightening beyond reason."
"So you don't approve?" Wood asks, eyeing the Watcher.
"Hell no! Of course not. It's just...something that Spike said once." He drifts off in thought.
"Which was?" Wood presses.
"Well...er...with Angel his main concern, when he left, was that Buffy have a normal life. Well, as normal as is possible for a Slayer, I suppose. But he wanted her to find a nice young man, preferably human, and have a healthy loving relationship. He didn't want to stand in the way. I suppose he really did care for her. I saw what leaving her was doing to him, but he left.
"But Spike...Spike's stance is that Buffy is the Slayer, that she'll never have a normal life and that she should be afforded whatever happiness she can grasp because the only guarantee that she has is a early death."
"Nice." Wood snorts.
"Yes, quite." Giles nods in agreement. "Yet...not entirely dismissible. True, Spike was really only laying the groundwork for himself, but what he said does have a grain of truth in it. Buffy will, in all likelihood, die very young. She may not even make it out of this battle with the First. She and Spike share...something...no matter how reprehensible we may find it. It obviously gives her strength.
"So imagine how I feel having almost removed that source of happiness...of strength...from her?" He looks up at Wood who stares at him impassively.
"I hope you don't expect me to buy the party line." Robin crosses his hands across his chest, fingers lacing.
"No. Of course not." Giles sits forward, facing Robin directly. "However I do think it would be wise for you to lay aside your...issues...with Spike until we've reached the other side of this war. After that..." He trails off to let Wood interpret what he will.
"Understood. And in the meantime?"
"In the meantime, I think it would be best if you lay low for a while. Buffy is...very upset...and I think she'll need time to settle down. She knows we need you, though, so it's only a matter of time. She's very focused these days. She won't let personal issues detract her."
"Unless the personal issue is Spike." Wood counters.
"Ah, well..." with that, Giles rises and heads towards the door. He gestures for Wood to remain in his chair. "I'll see myself out. Keep in mind what I've told you."
"How could I forget it?" Wood attempts a smile.
"Yes, quite." Giles opens the door and steps through, closing it behind him.
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Giles swipes the key to his motel room and is greeted by the sight of the bottle of brandy glittering in invitation. His head is already swimming from the events of the evening and the information he's learned from Wood, so he forgoes the alcohol for the bed.
He places his jacket on the back of the chair and unbuttons his shirt absentmindedly, kicking his shoes off next to the desk. He slips out of his trousers and stands in stocking feet with his t-shirt and boxers on. He places his glasses on the nightstand and plops down on the unturned bed. Staring up at the ceiling, he tried to make sense of it all.
Spike is no longer triggered. Spike spared Wood. Buffy defended Spike. Spike has a soul. Buffy and Spike are connected. Buffy has turned me away.
I think you've taught me all I need to know.
The look in her eyes. He'd seen it once before, when she'd found out his role in her "test." He'd hoped to never see it again, but he has no one to blame but himself.
He has placed a wedge between himself and his Slayer once more. By acting on what he thought was best, he may have damaged their relationship irreparably.
And what has it achieved? He thinks to himself as the sleep won't come.
Nothing.
TBC
I need to watch 'Dirty Girls' a few more times before I finish the scenes between 'Lies...' and it.
Still don't understand why Dawn and the Scoobies overreacted and threw Buffy out of the house. It seemed a little over-the-top for me.
Anyhoo...til next time.
X