Title: Canary in a Coalmine (Chapter 20 of Don't Stop the Dance)
My version of some of the events during 'Empty Places' and 'Touched'

I've put the 'Empty places' summary below up to the point where this chapter begins.

Author: Xionin

Rating: R

Pairing: Buffy/Spike.

Feedback: Pretty please! "I-I-I need your love."
Lia – You're making me blush! I'm so glad you're enjoying this. Just-me – If only I could, sweetie. If only I could. ;]

Disclaimer: This chapter brought to you by the letter M and the letter E. So gracious of them to let me borrow their expensive toys.

Thank Yous: Miss Kitty - the Guinness World Record holder for Most Prolific Beta!

Previously on Buffy [snipped from UPN] : There's a mass exodus going on in Sunnydale. Using a little of her magical mojo, Willow helps Giles get information from the police on connections to organizations Caleb might have in California or elsewhere. Buffy drifts further and further away from the group, unable to deal with the sadness and loss. At the school she has another deflating encounter with Caleb. Giles sends Spike and Andrew to a mission in Gilroy to gather more information. After they leave, Faith gets inspired: she takes the girls out for a night on the town. A battered Buffy arrives home to find the house empty of everyone except Giles. They clash again over the subject of Spike when Buffy suggests he sent Spike on the search, hoping he'd be killed. She becomes even more irritated when she learns that Faith took the girls away to let off some steam. At the Bronze, Faith's party is crashed by the cops, there to cart her back to jail. However, they appear to have an ulterior motive when they throw her outside and aim their guns at her. While she's fighting them off, a cop with a big gun keeps everyone inside, until Kennedy steps up and disarms him. The rest of the girls rush outside to help and eventually defeat the cops-from-hell. Buffy arrives in a huff and sends the girls home, berating Faith for leading the "children" into danger. Faith counters that they aren't children, and that Buffy is the one who led them into danger at the vineyard, and look what happened then. Buffy slugs Faith and stalks off. Spike and Andrew with the help of a frightened priest, find out that Caleb came to the mission in search of a plaque that even the priests didn't know existed. When he found it, his temper exploded and he branded the priest, who ran and hid. When the man shows Spike the plaque, the Vamp translates, "It is not for thee, it is for her alone to wield." Later, back on Revello Drive...

Canary in a Coalmine

The handmade 'Welcome Home' banner hangs limply in the archway. It seems to reflect the mood of everyone in the room as they all gather to show their support for Xander. He is visibly moved as he enters the house, glancing around the room at all of the frightened, wounded faces. 'Sorry' was what most of their eyes said. Lots of 'sorry'.

"You guys..." He trails off as the tears threaten to spill again. They lead him to the armchair of honor and he offers weak smiles to the subdued crowd.

"Sorry it isn't...more, y'know, festive." Dawn says, smiling genuinely. It is hardest most of all for her to see Xander this way. Not long ago they'd had their chat about being the 'normal' ones in this group. When she had felt so left out, it was the 'Xan-man' that crashed her pity party and told her that they were special too; That not having super powers was ok because there are other things equally as important like friendship and love and support. How he must feel now, she thinks, now that he's...

"Oh, I dunno Dawn. Being surrounded by a bunch of gorgeous girls does wonders for the walking wounded." He smiles bravely. Arms hug him and hands pat him sympathetically as Buffy steps into the room.

Silence ensues as everyone waits for her to speak to her friend.

"We're...really happy...to have you home, Xan." Her voice threatens to break, but she bites it back. Instead she smiles as warmly as she can but at the sight of him looking up at her with the bandage...she has to look away. She clears her throat and decides that this is as good a time as any to get everyone back on track and focused. It's then that she notices Robin to her right with Faith. Their eyes meet momentarily before he looks away.

"So...since most of us are here...I want you to know that I've figured it out."  Confused frowns dot the faces around the room. "I think we've been wrong all this time...a-about the seal. I don't think it's about the seal anymore." She glances about the room at everyone's expectant faces. They all look so worn, so broken. She knows that this is her fault. That she was the cause for Rona's cast, for Xander's...loss.

"W-well...what have you...er...concluded, Buffy?" Giles doesn't look her directly in the eye, but he is addressing her with respect which is more than she can muster for him right now. Again, there's obvious fatigue in his voice.

"We have to go back. To the vineyard." She waits for the inevitable responses.

Groans, heads shaking. 'No way.' 'Not going back there.' 'She's nuts if-'

"I know..." she interrupts the murmurs. "I know it didn't...go well...last time, but that's because we weren't prepared. We know what we're up against now. And I know we're on the right track because Caleb is trying very hard to keep us out of there. He's hiding something."

"Look...Buffy...do you have any proof?" Willow asks. "Anything to go on other than your hunch?"

"No, Will...I-I-I don't. It's just...it hit me today, when I was confronted by Caleb." Eyebrows arch and eyes sweep over her for signs of damage. "I'm fine...but I realized something.

"If it was all about the seal, why isn't there a legion of Bringers over there protecting it? Why isn't there any activity at all? We need to go back to the vineyard and take whatever it is he's protecting. Tonight."

"Wait, wait wait. I hear what you're saying, B, and it's a cool theory and all but do you really want us to go back over there fighting super-Padre without so much as a plan?" Faith's question brings nods and whispers of assent from the group.

"Yeah," Kennedy chimes in. "I don't want to charge in there again unless we know for sure that something good is going to come out of it. I don't mind risking my neck, but I need a real reason and not just some hunch."

"Look-" Buffy tries to counter.

"Right! Some  of us don't have slayer healing." Rona chides. More assenting comes from the girls. Giles straightens up and faces Buffy.

"I really don't think that it's wise to go back there so soon with no evidence that it will accomplish anything. Your theory is half thought out at best and it simply isn't worth the risk." He does look her in the eye this time.

"Since when did you start questioning my instincts, Giles?" She turns to him. "Oh...I guess that would be about the same time you started trying to handle my problems for me." Her jaw sets in anger. They glare at each other for a moment before she speaks again. "Where is Spike?" She narrows her eyes at him.

"He and Andrew are on a mission." Giles' flat tone poorly masks his indignation at his anticipated reaction from her.

"A mission." Buffy's heart is racing. She feels the fear building from her gut and she channels it into rage.

"Yes." Giles stone-faces her, daring her to explode.

"Is this a mission he's expected to return from...alive?" Her voice is remarkably steady as she glances over his shoulder briefly at Robin Wood. Wood swallows and sets his jaw before he looks away.

"Yes." Giles snaps at her. His voice is clipped, bitter and so low as to only be heard by her. How dare she.
"He'll be back, Buffy." She let's out an inaudible breath, trying desperately to hide her fear that those words may hold no truth whatsoever. She turns back to the group.

"Look...I am the Slayer here and I say that we do this." She scans the group for a challenge.

"And why should we follow you?" Kennedy stands up and crosses the room to stand directly in front of her.

"Because I am your leader. I lead, you follow." She turns to square off with Kennedy, her hands land on her hips.

"Well, I think that role needs to be reassessed." Kennedy places her hands on her hips. Buffy is a little thrown off guard at the remark.

"What? What did you say?" She takes a step forward, her voice raspy. Willow, recognizing the tone and temperament, steps up next to Kennedy.

"Maybe you should back off, sweetie." She says softly. Kennedy flinches and turns to her.

"Why are you always defending her?" She yells.

"I...I'm not." Willows voice is soft but firm. She hesitantly looks at Buffy and then down and away. Dawn stands up and moves beside her sister. Her eyes are on Willow and the witch can feel them questioning her.

"You're not? Will?" It's a whisper as Buffy suddenly finds her voice missing.

"Faith's a slayer too and I say she should be the one to lead us." Kennedy gestures over to Faith who stands up with her hands in front of her in protest.

"Hold on...I ain't no one's leader. I'm just saying that we need to think of a plan before we go back over there all kamikaze."

"No, Faith, I think we should consider handing things over to you." Giles turns to the stunned girl but a hand on his arm stops him and he spins around into Buffy's enraged face.

"You." She hisses. "You did this...on purpose! You sent Spike away just for this, didn't you? To fucking ambush me?" Her eyes are wide with anger, her hand tightening on his arm so much that he wrenches it free.

"You stupid little girl!" Giles spits out the words. There are gasps in the room.

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Wood jumps up to them. "This isn't about your vampire this is about you!"

"You don't belong here, Robin, you need to leave. Now." Buffy doesn't take her eyes off of Giles.

"He's not going anywhere, B. But I think you should get a grip on yourself before things get out of hand." Faith steps closer to her and Buffy realizes that she is pretty much surrounded. Kennedy is inches from her left, Dawn from her right; Giles Faith and Robin in front. She steps back and takes a deep breath.

"You guys...I've been protecting you for seven years." She looks around the room at all of them. "Seven years! I've fought and died and never once have I let anything happen." Her eyes fall on Xander's face as the last few words slip from her mouth. She stops. He smiles a grim smile.

"I'm trying to see your point here, Buff, I really am." He leans his head to the side and squints his eye. "I guess it's a little to my left."

That hits her like a slap across the cheek. She looks around the room and sees not a single sign of support.

"So that's it? I'm out and Faith's in? Do you guys have any..." A wave of fear and fatigues washes over her as her voice falters. "Do you know that I'm the only one that can...I'm right about this. I'm right!"

"No, we don't know that Buffy." Giles says calmly. "And we also don't think you're the only one. Faith is here now."

"No offense but Faith doesn't have the experience that I do." She says exasperated.

"None taken, B, but you're wrong. You're not thinking straight. Now, I don't wanna be a leader, but if that's what everyone wants." She looks around the room and everyone nods, everyone except Dawn who stands silently at Buffy's side. "I'll do what I have to do."

Buffy is stunned. These people...her friends...her Watcher...turning against her.

Don't they know? Can't they see? They're wrong. They'll die. They'll all die!

"How can you expect me to stand by and watch you all die?" She says simply.

"Maybe you should leave." Buffy turns at the sound of Kennedy's voice. She looks to Willow who falls in line next to her new girlfriend.

"Will?" Buffy's whisper is pleading.

"I think maybe you should. Go, Buffy." Willow's gaze doesn't falter this time.

"You ungrateful bitch!" Dawn's shrill voice startles everyone and all eyes fall on her as she backs up away from the group. "How could you say that? And you!" She turns to Giles. "How could you do this to her?" Her face is red with anger and her hands are clenched into tight fists. She is trembling.

"Dawn...i-it's all right." Buffy tries to calm her sister, but she is the next to receive the wrath.

"No! It's not all right, Buffy! They're traitors! They're throwing you out of your own house. Out of my house!"

Buffy steps aside in defeat as Dawn sweeps her eyes across the group. "You're the ones that don't belong here!" Willow reaches for her, but Dawn slaps her hand away with a loud thwack.

"You want her out? Fine." Buffy walks out of the front door without glancing back. "I'm going with her because I trust her. I know she's right." She follows her sister's footsteps but turns before she walks out of the door. Slowly she meets the eyes of Willow, Xander, Faith and finally Giles for whom she summons particular venom.

"I hope you all fry in hell." She growls out as she slams the door behind her.

The group glances around at each other unsurely. Giles takes off his glasses and nearly crushes them in his trembling hands. Tempers are running high and it's a slow descent.

"Ding dong the witch is gone." Rona sing-songs, breaking the silence.

"And she took Toto too." Another voice chimes in. Willow turns to the pair, her nostrils flaring.

"Shut. Up."

-----------------

Buffy is standing just in front of the house when Dawn comes up from behind. Tears are running down her cheeks unchecked, now, and the welcome sight of her younger sister brings the sobs from her throat. The girls hold each other, crying, as the front door opens.

"Buffy." Faith cautiously approaches the pair and they break apart. Dawn glares; Buffy averts her eyes and focuses on the living room window.

"Buffy...I didn't mean-"

"No. It's all right. Really. There's..." She wipes her face with her sleeve. "There's a lot more going on than just you." She looks at Faith now. "Promise me you'll take care of them."

Faith nods. "I'll do my best...make you proud." She attempts a smile.

"Their lives are in your hands now." Another tear slips from her eye. Dawn squeezes her hand and leads her away. Faith goes back into the house to assume her new leadership.

-----------------

Buffy and Dawn walk down a neighboring street, Dawn's arm is around her older but shorter sister's shoulder. She notes the blank look in Buffy's eye. Something was broken back there and she wonders if anyone can ever fix it. She hates them. All of them, but especially Willow, Xander and Giles.

God, how could they!

The only cars on the street are being packed up by evacuees. Everyone knows that something big is coming, Clem had said, and it seems everyone is getting out of dodge. As they pass the houses, Dawn notices one front door ajar.

"Buffy..." She lets go of her sister and walks carefully up to the house. Peering inside the door she calls out. When no one answers she steps inside and looks around in the darkness. Buffy has slowly made her way up the walkway.

"Dawn?" She is startled when Dawn's hand grabs her arm.

"I think the owners have moved out, Buffy, we can stay here." Dawn smiles a bit and leads her sullen sister inside, flipping on a light. "Sit down and rest. It's been a long day." She closes the door and heads to the kitchen to rummage for some food. Just then, the power goes out. Buffy jumps off the couch.

"Dawn!" They literally bump into each other. "Ow. I thought something happened." Dawn rubs her chin and walks over to the window.

"Looks like the power's out all over. I guess it's just another symptom of doom." She attempts a chuckle. Buffy wanders around the living room, feeling for candles of some kind. Dawn feels her way back to the kitchen. Searching through the drawers, she finds a bag of votives from Ikea and a bunch of souvenir matchbooks. She lights a candle and places it on the counter. She then lights another one and walks back into the living room where Buffy has found a silver holder with a long taper in it. Dawn uses her votive to light the taper and soft shadows fill the room.

"That's better." She says. Buffy sighs. "Let's explore." Dawn and Buffy walk through the rancher and discover that it has two bedrooms. "Oooo. We won't have to share tonight." Dawn's attempt at lightheartedness falls flat on Buffy.

It's over. I'm no longer in it. No longer fighting. I just have to...let go.

Dawn pulls her sister along like a child from room to room. "Wow, this bathtub is so huge!" She lets go of Buffy's hand and goes back into the kitchen. She returns a moment later with a handful of votives. "Let's light these, place them around the tub here, and then I can draw you a nice hot bath. Whaddya say?" She looks expectantly at her sister.

Buffy looks into her face and smiles. She knows what Dawn's trying to do. She is so grateful to have her and silently thanks the heavens that she was given this gift.

"Sounds like heaven, Dawn." She smiles, but it's weary.

"Great!" Dawn instantly perks up. She hands Buffy a votive and shoos her into the larger bedroom. "Get out of those clothes and I'll run the water for you." Buffy's tired legs carry her into the master bedroom. It is modest, but comfortable; not unlike her mother's room.

Oh mom, I'm sorry.
I've failed.

She slowly begins to undress to the sounds of the running water. Dawn walks in with a piece of dark fabric in her hands. "I know you don't wanna run around naked, so you can wrap this beach towel around you, k?" Buffy nods her thanks.

She doesn't remember ever being this tired. Her bones ache. Her muscles twitch. What she wouldn't give to just sleep for a week. But then again she can, can't she? She's been relieved of duty. Dismissed. Discarded. Tears sting the back of her eyes again and she blinks them back.

"Buffy, the water's ready!" Dawn's voice travels through the air. "I'll be in the other bedroom if you need anything.

"Thanks, Dawnie!" Thanks for not leaving me alone.

Buffy leaves the votive on the dresser since the candles in the bathroom throw a feint enough glow to guide her down the hall. When she steps inside, the smell of jasmine hits her. Dawn has put bubble bath in the water. She smiles and the tears begin. She backs out of the bathroom and find Dawn sitting in the other bedroom, staring out the window.

"Hey...you're supposed to be soaking." Dawn's voice is quiet. Reflective.

"I just wanted to say thanks. And to tell you I love you. A-and I'm proud you're my sister. I don't think I say those things enough." She gazes down at the beautiful young woman. Dawn's smile lights up the room as she rises and walks over to her.

"I love you too, Buffy. We'll be okay. And maybe when Spike gets back-" she continues, but Buffy doesn't hear her.

Spike. Where is he? Oh God, is he still alive?

As if reading her thoughts, Dawn takes her sister's hands. "He's fine, Buff. I don't think Giles sent him away to die. He'll be back." She smiles. "I wouldn't want to be in their shoes when he finds out..."

"It's for the best, Dawn." She stops her sister's protests. "It is. Now get some rest. I'll go take that bath." Buffy gives Dawn's hands a reassuring squeeze and she heads back into the bathroom and closes the door. She slips out of the towel and tentatively dips her toes into the water. The temperature is perfect as she glides in.

She can't even remember the last time she'd been able to take a bath. It's like coming home. The warmth of the water, the sweet scent of the bubbles and the candles flickering all around remind her of a time when everything was still right with the world. When she had the love of her friends, she could simply slay the bad guys and things made sense.

Now she is in a strange house, cast out from her own...on her own, with the world crumbling around her. At least she still has Dawn. After the distance that had been growing between them, Buffy wasn't sure Dawn would stand by her. But they've repaired some of the damage over the last few days. In fact, there was a lot of healing done between her, Dawn and Spike recently. She had been happy that they were OK again. She wonders now how everything else around her had gone south. Willow. Xander. Giles. All hating her as they surely must to do this.

Has she been so blind? Was their faith and trust in her obliterated? Gone? Without a trace?

Buffy closes her eyes and lets the warm water wash the confusion and bitterness away for a little while. She's not the One anymore. She's no longer responsible. So why does she feel like she is?

---------------------

As soon as the engine cuts off, he can sense something's off. Spike flips the kickstand down as he feels Andrew's weight lift from behind him.

"Gotta pee...gotta pee...gotte pee..." The youngster dances his way into the house. "We're back! And boy do we have a lot of news, but first...gotta pee." With that he rushes up to the bathroom. Spike chuckles low as he shakes his head. He walks straight into the kitchen and notices a meeting going on. The air is immediately hushed, however, and all eyes seem to avoid him.

"Hey all. Where's Buffy? I've got some information for her." Spike addresses Willow who averts his gaze. He turns to Giles, his eyebrows questioning.

"She's..." Giles begins.

"Out." Faith continues.

"Yeah...she...uh...had to go out." Willow stammers nervously.

"She went out." He repeats. She nods. "Alone?" He asks. She nods again. "OK, so when's she expected back?" All heads turn to one another, each looking for someone to speak up. Spike cocks his head and his eyebrow arches a bit more.

Something's not right, 'ere.

"Well...Spike..." Willow command of the English language is severely challenged, but she manages to get out the important details. "There was a....discussion and...it was decided...BUFFY...Buffy decided that it would be best if she...took...a break...right now."

"A break." Again Willow nods. "In the middle of a bloody apocalypse." She nods again and looks to Giles for support. "You been practicing that speech long, luv?" He snarls at her.

"Spike," Giles steps up. "It's none of your concern where Buffy is. Now if you have info-"

"Oh shut the bloody hell up, Rupert!" Giles' mouth hangs open in shock. Spike surveys the room dangerously, his eye lingering a long time on Faith.

"You're a soddin' ungrateful bunch of pathetic losers, the lot of you. A break, eh? Who do you fucking think you are?"

"Now you listen, Spike." Giles hisses the name. "You have no right to come in here and dress us down. We're at war-"

"There's more than one war going on 'ere, Rupes." Spike levels his gaze at the Watcher. "This one's about control. Innit? S'about who's in charge. That's it, isn't it? The student has surpassed the teacher and you've no place here anymore." He squints his eyes and sizes him up. "Pathetic."

"All right, blondie, that's enough." Faith steps up as the two men square off.

"And you!" Spike turns to her. "You got just what you were after, din't you?" Faith shakes her head to say no, but Spike continues. "You got 'er house, you got 'er friends and now you've got 'er job. Must make you feel real good...stickin' it to 'er like that."

"Shut up, you don't know what you're-"

"Oh I know! I most certainly do know." Spike paces the length of the counter before turning back to Giles, Willow close behind him. "She's done everything...all of it...to save your bloody lives. She's killed for you. Died for you. Given up everything for you! She gave up her life! An' I'm not jus' talkin' about her dyin', I'm talkin' about her life. She's retreated from life so that she could be strong enough to protect you. And you lot...this is how you repay her? You sent her out there alone with Caleb on the loose?" At the mention of the Preacher, murmurs are heard. "Yeah, din't think o' that...did ya when you sent her out?"

"The time for lame speeches is over, pretty boy." Faith attempts to assert her authority over the situation. "I think you'd better back the fuck off."

"S' that right?" He turns and faces her.

"Yep." She smiles suddenly. "Don't get me wrong, though, I think it's kinda cute."

"Cute." His eyes narrow and he crosses his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, the way you stick up for her. Follow her around like a little puppy dog when she doesn't even give you the time of day." He tilts his head. "You think I didn't notice that little display downstairs? You think because she's a little jealous that she actually wants you? That wasn't about you, lover, that was about history-"

"Faith." Willow tries to interrupt.

"You think if you keep doin' the good deeds, she'll actually part her dimpled knees and invite you in?" Faith doesn't see the hand until it's too late and she lands hard against the counter. When she straightens up, Spike is glaring at her, his arms at the ready for her retaliation. "Yeah...just like she would do. Truth hurts, doesn't it?"

"You wouldn't know the bloody truth you stupid bint." Spike's voice is dangerously low. The group instinctively moves back as he and Faith face off again.

"Oh no, Spikey? Why don't you tell me? Oh wait, let me guess...she loves you. Is that what you're gonna say? God...you're hot, but not too bright."

This time she anticipates the blow and blocks it, bringing his arm down and forward as she knees him in the chin. He dances back a few steps and growls. When she lunges again, he is ready for her and tosses her into the hallway. Faith pulls herself up and fakes to his left, when he moves she punches him across the jaw, whipping his head around. When he resets, she punches him again, but he goes down and whips her legs from under her and she goes down. She kicks back up and swings her leg around catching him in the side. He doubles over for a moment, but catches her next blow and flips her over and into the wall.

He breaks off the fight and looks up at the group that has followed them into the other room.

"Where. Did. She. Go?" He asks Willow.

"I-I really don't know, Spike." She stammers, fear in her eyes. "But Dawn is with her." Spike's eyes widen and he turns and storms out of the house.

-------------------

It doesn't take him long to track them down, especially since they haven't gone far. His anxiety over telling her what he's discovered is only outweighed by the rage that still buzzes through him over what had occurred in his absence.

He traces them to a nearby house. He heads quickly up the walkway and isn't too surprised to find that he doesn't need an invitation to enter. He quietly opens the door and steps inside.

Buffy.

Her scent is everywhere, as is Dawn's. He walks silently through the house until he sees Dawn's sleeping form on a small bed. Her legs are hanging over the side with her feet on the floor, but she is out cold. He lets his eyes scan over her for any signs of damage and there are none. He gently lifts her and places her properly on the bed, pulling the coverlet over her. He leans over and places a soft kiss on the forehead.

"'Night Niblet." He smiles at her soft murmuring. Closing the door behind him, he scans the house for signs of Buffy. He hears water sloshing in the bathroom and knocks on the door.

"Buffy?" He keeps his voice low.

"Spike?" He hears the relief in her voice and tries to will the door open so that he can see her and see that she is OK. There are quick movements inside and then the door does open and what he sees takes his voice away.

Buffy is wrapped in a towel, her hair swept up in a crude ponytail. The light from half a dozen candles plays gently against her golden skin. There is the feint sheen of moisture on her from the bath. Her eyes, however, are red-rimmed from crying. Spike is broken out of the spell at that realization. He steps back and she silently walks past him and into the living room. When she settles onto the couch, he sits across from her on the coffee table.

"I don't think whoever lives here would want you doing that." She says with a small smile.

"Funny, I don' think they'd want strange women bathin' in their tubs, either." She chuckles softly. All amusement leaves them both, however, when their eyes meet. Buffy immediately begins welling up.

"I went over there." He says to let her know he knew. "Belted Faith a coupla times 'n left."

"You did?" She grins a little. "Doesn't matter." She says resignedly. "It's over. I'm done."

"What do you mean, done? I've got incredible news for you."

"Yeah?" She says wearily. "What's that?"

"You were right...'bout the vineyard. There is somethin' there. Caleb's tryin' to keep it from you." He looks at her expectantly, but there's no response. She stares off into space. "I say we go in there tomorrow night and take it."

"No."

His brow wrinkles with confusion. "No?"

"No, Spike. I mean it. I'm done. Faith is the leader now. If you have information, you should give it to her."

Spike becomes angry, suddenly. This isn't the Buffy he knows.

"Bugger that!" He lowers his voice when he remembers Dawn. "I was over there, luv, they need you." At his words, Buffy does look at him, her face perks up a bit.

"They do?"

"Yeah! 'course they do...i-it-it's a mess over there. They're lost without you." He hopes she doesn't see through his exaggeration.

"Really?" She almost sounds hopeful.

"Oh, yeah. There's no food in the house. N-no one knows where anything goes..." He gives up his tale at her deflated look. "I really didn't see much, pet, but it doesn' matter. You are their leader."

"Was."

"And you can be again. Take it back. They took it from you, we can take it back." Buffy stands up and moves away from him.

"No, Spike, it's over...I'm over. Done. Not needed. Not the One. And I'm tired...so tired." Spike moves over in front of her.

"I now you're tired, luv, but it's not like you to give up."

"Watch me."

"Don't you even want to know what I found? You were right luv. They need you and they don't even know it!"

"You don't understand...I can't! I can't do this. I don't have what it takes."

"Bullshit-"

"I can't handle this power...this responsibility. I say the word and someone dies. Girls die, Spike, people lose body parts." She is trembling now and the tears start to spill again. She crosses back over to the couch and sinks down, her head in her hands. "It wasn't just Faith...it was all of them...and they were right."

Spike exhales deeply and he resumes his spot on the coffee table. He reaches out to touch her, but hesitates and withdraws.

"If we jus' tell 'em, luv. If they could see that you were right, they'd fall in line. They'll believe-"

"Why would they believe me?" She looks up at him with a face that devastates him. She isn't going to go back. She isn't going to fight unless he can make her see. "I don't believe in me. You shouldn't either, God! How are they supposed to believe in me when I pushed them all away?" She gets up again, but this time he doesn't follow. He just watches her.

"I've always done that...push people away. I used the excuse of being the Slayer, not getting too close because I'd put people in danger. That's just a cop out, though, and I know it. I was only protecting myself. I couldn't stand to lose anyone...to hurt like...to hurt..."

"Like you did when Angel left. Like when your mom..." Spike finishes for her.

"Yes." She whispers, the tears falling in droplets from her green eyes. They rest in his blue ones and there complete understanding. "I...can't...do this anymore, Spike. I can't stay disconnected. Unattainable. You of all people..."

"You can connect, Summers. We connected quite a bit." He tries to smile for her, but she let's out an exasperated breath and walks away from him.

"That wasn't connecting, that was fucking." She states bluntly, looking him in the eye again. Her words cut him and he winces and looks away. "That's what made you so hot for me wasn't it? You couldn't really have me? Is that why you don't want me now?"

"Wasn't talkin' about that. But since you've brought it up again...I thought we were past...the past, but-"

"Oh no...no no no no...we are not talking about this now." Buffy turns her back on him.

"No, you brought it up. I've hummed along with your pity ditty long enough, now it's time for a new song." He jumps up just as she settles on the far end of the sofa. He stops in front of her, glaring. "You...are bloody insufferable!"

"Way to cheer me up, Spike." She smirks angrily.

"Not tryin' t' bloody well cheer you up, am I?"

"Then what are you trying to do? I'm tired. I want to sleep." She huffs.

"I'm pissed off, is what. Something pissed me off...unattainable...that was it."

"Fine. I take it back. I'm a freakin' attain-a-thon. Happy?" She leans back and closes her eyes actually wishing that he would go away.

"No, Summers...listen." He crouches down in front of her. "Look at me." She does. He sighs.

"Look, pet...I've been alive a lot longer than you have, and I've seen a lot more than you. Made a lot of mistakes and a lot of bad bloody calls." He smiles a bit and she tentatively returns it. "I've been alive over a hundred years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of...that's you."

Buffy looks away, but he catches her chin in his hand and gently pulls her back to him.

"I love you, Buffy," he says softly. Simply. A tear falls down her cheek. "Not because I want you or because I can't have you. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength...the best and the worst of you." He wipes the tear from her cheek and smiles, his voice softening even more.

"I understand with perfect clarity what you are. You're the most incredible woman I've ever known. You're the One."

Buffy closes her eyes. This is not what she wants to hear right now. She knows he loves her, but she needs more. Wants more and yet she is so afraid.

"I don't want to be the One. Let Faith have it." She says softly, opening her eyes to study the hand that has clasped hers.

"Well...I don't want to be this good looking and athletic, but we all have our crosses to bear." They both smile now. Buffy looks back at their joined hands and Spike follows her gaze. His sudden discomfort causes him to rise and turn away.

Bloody hell. Not a good time for emotional cricket, you soddin' git.

He runs his fingers through his hair and is about to say something when it hits him. He turns back to her.

"You said 'now.'" His query confuses her.

"Huh?"

"Before...you said I don't want you 'now'. What's that s'pose to mean...'now'?" Buffy's face falls. She looks up at him and decides it's now or never.

"I meant...now that...I...you don't want me now that I'm...it was wrong of me to say. I'm sorry." She looks down at her hands.

"Now that you...what?" He watches her stand and move around the back of the couch.

"Now that I want you." She looks up at him. "You don't want me now that I want you, Spike. And I do. Want you." Buffy steps around the couch and slowly approaches him. He is frozen in time and space.

She wants me? She wants me? I-

She stops a few feet from him, bathed in candlelight. Tears dance in the rims of her eyes and she is looking at him in a way he's never seen before. He simply can't bring himself to move or speak.

Buffy studies his face. It's unreadable. She is too tired to reach out to his mind, so she uses his body language to gauge what he may be feeling. The only problem is she's getting nothing. Nothing.

Oh God. He doesn't want me. Not like that. We're...friends.

They stare at each other for what seems like hours. Buffy's heart pounds in her ears as she waits for him to respond to her obvious confession. Either he doesn't realize how hard that was for her to say, to risk rejection from him...or he really doesn't-

Want her? She thinks I don't want her? Of course I want her! But not like this. Not for comfort. Oh God, Buffy, if only-

Buffy sighs and begins to back away slowly, her heart breaking with each small step.

TBC with Chapter 21: The Bed's Too Big Without You

A/N: Of course I had to borrow most of Spike's speech form 'Touched'. My God, how could I not?

That Buffy didn't throw herself at his feet right then and there is beyond me.

;^]

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